How To Talk Dirty To My Boyfriend - Well, Your Boyfriend Actually!

I had a friend a while ago, a lovely girl by the name of ..... no, second thoughts let's leave her name out of this poor girl.

I had a lovely friend a while ago who told me how she and her boyfriend had been merrily romping away one night when he'd stopped what he was doing, looked her straight in the eyes and said "There's something I want to ask you but I'm a bit nervous."

My friend said she almost weed herself because she thought "Oh my God – he's going to propose whilst I'm naked and, well naked!!"

Clearing his throat, looking as scared as an owl with wing cramp flying over an electrical substation – he muttered "Would you talk dirty to me?"

My friend said she didn't know what to do first – cry, laugh, go for that wee or just thump him. In the end she said that she muttered a strangled yes and then thought - "What????"

She didn't have the faintest idea how to start, what to say or how to know if ehat she started to say was any good or not.

She panicked – big style.

But when she realised that she couldn't stay hidden in the bathroom all night – she tentatively went back to bed and tried to talk dirty to her boyfriend.

She couldn't. She just couldn't.

As she reported to me the next day – what the hell could she say without knowing what to do, how to do it.

So I asked her a simple question.

"When you are in bed and your boyfriend is stroking you, how does it make you feel, how does your body react?"

"It tingles and fizzes"she replied. "He makes me feel happy and wanted and ever so slightly moist!"

"So once he's done that and got you like that – what would you really like him to do to you?" I asked

"Oh easy," says she "go down on me and lick me."
"If he licked you – what would that make you want to do for him?"

Her eyes clouded over at this point and she went ever so slightly red!

"Whatever he wanted" she replied, a little weakly.

"Would you moan, and groan and cry out as he did all this to you and for you?" I queried

"Oh god yes, I'd scream the bloody house down" she laughed.

"There you go then" said a smug I "you have just worked out what to say to him when he asks you to talk dirty next time."

She looked a tad puzzled, then amazed, then sly all in a few seconds. Relieved too.

I understand from follow up reports that the next time he asked her to whisper sweet nothings into his shell like, she blew his socks off – as well as other parts to a happy completion.

She said she just talked about what his hands were doing and what she'd like him to do and that was it – no more time for talk!

She enjoyed it too if the smile on her face was anything to go by!

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