How to Flunk your First 50 Dates - Chapter 1

"Hey Sam, umm.. I just wanted to tell you I finally know what to write about, anyway when you can, come over and check it out. Talk to you later," I hung up the house phone and put it down onto my spoiled wooden desk. Where was Sam when you needed him, normally he would always answer his phone but lately he had been ignoring me. Maybe I shouldn't have told him he was too clingy, I missed my best friend but he kind of was. I looked at my laptop screen, in it there was a blank word document, it had been like this for a few days now but I finally found out what to write about, it had stuck me like lightning. The painful thing was it was all true - even though the stories dated back years. Might as well start.
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Oh My God! I, Amy Midnight Daydream White, won this fab "advice column" competition (obviously, that's why I'm writing this book), and now I get to write about any topic of my choice - as you have 'guessed' by the title it's about flunking your first 50 dates. Don't get me wrong, I won't be giving you steps on how to make your date pay - I don't want to be sued by millions of boys worldwide. No, I am writing about my experiences and, no matter how emotionally scaring this will be for me, I will add all the detail, including the guy's names. So you guys be prepared, cause all secrets are coming out.

Before I start with all the gory stuff (and believe me half of these will make you wonder why I'm:

a. Not in a padded white room, wearing straight jacket so I do not harm people
b. Not behind bars
c. Have piles of restraining orders
d. Am not in serious depth of medical bills. I will say no more.

Quite basically I had no idea what to write about until my brilliant sister Topaz Love Sunbright White told me jokingly to write a warning book to boys to stay away from girls like me with all the bad luck but after some consideration I decided to write this book and you know the rest so enjoy.

*Yes my parents are hippies.
First I'll start with 5 dinner dates. Enjoy.

My first dinner date was with an unimaginably cute guy called Daniel. His bright green eyes totally made his dark brown hair make him fit the description of tall, dark and handsome (TDH for short, there is also SDH, TLH, SLH, SFH i.e. small fat and hansom). Anyway our date was going fine until the food came. Sometimes my bladder gets weak and I hadn't gone to the toilet the whole day so I excused myself but also accidentally knocked the waiter so all the food landed on Daniel (I also ordered soup). Just to make things worse he ran out screaming and cussing me and I was left with 3 tables worth of food to pay by myself. Talk about unfair. So my advice is:

1. BRING MONEY and lots if you're a klutz like me.
2. Always go to the toilet beforehand
3. LOOK where you're going.

My second and most embarrassing/shameful date that will probably make you wonder why I still have dinner dates was with my soon to be boyfriend Adam (well he was at the time). Well it seemed that in the morning of my date I realized that I had a stomach bug. A bug so ferocious I was going to the toilet at least 5 times an hour, each time doing something. But just because it was me I forgot or didn't cancel the date. Telling myself I was fine I made it into the dinner bit of the date (an achievement for me at the time). So once we had finished our conversation things started moving. My stomach started to hurt but I took nothing of it cause I thought it was just butterflies because of how things were working out (and they were working out SO GOOD). Long story short he leaned in for a kiss and just when our lips touched I did the most repulsive thing in the history of my date. I vomited. Yes vomited. In his mouth, on him, on the table. On everything. I expressed myself. Adam let's just say was unhappy, he screamed at me and walked out. Apart from feeling healed from my stomach bug (ironically) I was left to pay for the bill but I pretended to be contiguously ill I got let out. Ha, ha, go me. So my advice is:

1. Always tell a guy if you feel ill, he will understand.
2. Bring some cash, just in case you don't become as lucky as me and get charged for all the damage.

My next dinner date was with Nick but personally what happened was 50% to do with me 20% to do with him, 5% to do with the chicken and 25% to do with the cook. We were eating and having a lot of really good conversations. Well I just so happen to be quite funny so I was making him laugh. So this time it just so happened that I made him laugh while he had a piece of chicken in his gob so he started choking. At first I didn't notice but it soon dawned on me that my date was practically dying slowly before my eyes so I called for help (more like screamed). Someone came and did the Heimlich maneuver (thank god) and I presume it worked as this massive piece of chicken did acrobatics as it twirled in the air and landed in my face. Nice, I guess I did deserve that. So there we were he was getting all this attention from everyone and I was wiping chicken juices from my face. Soon the crowd went back to their seats and it was just me and a helpless handsome boy still coughing from the repercussions of the incident. I did ask him if he was ok but being the gentleman he was he said he was fine, paid the bill, said goodnight and left. I called for a taxi and spent my time in the ladies toilet for obvious reasons. My advice:

1. Well, you could just not eat.
2. Don't make your date laugh.
3. And choosing to go the toilets to get away from people is a bad idea because once in the toilet you will hear the main item of news will be you.
*The above advice is complete rubbish; follow at your own accord.

Well my next date didn't last long at all, technically it didn't even start. Basically I met Alex outside the restaurant and if I may say he looked hot. Once reaching the front door of the place I walked through the door, maybe a little to quick and he got hit in the face with the door. Let me just say he didn't look so hot with a busted nose. My advice:

1. Be careful, don't rush in to whatever place you're going to, you might get hit in the face.
Lastly to end my 5 dinner dates was my date with Kevin. The thought of his face still scars me to this day. I'll give you some background info first. Kevin, if I do say so myself, was my soulmate. He was amazing, almost as funny as me, caring and just embraced life. So now you know that I'm sure you'd understand our choice to go to this random French restaurant. We ordered the food - which we had no idea what they were - and when they arrived they smelt pretty nice. So we ate and talked, it was amazing. After a while I noticed Kevin's eyes were swelling up but then again I thought nothing of it at that time. So we talked and talked until he couldn't speak anymore, well not properly, he also couldn't breathe and he looked like a fish with the puffy eyes and the fact he couldn't breathe. Ironically I found out later he was allergic to fish, he didn't tell me of cause, I heard rumors, he just blanked me. My advice:

1. Check out the ingredients in your food, especially if you have a known allergy
2. If you don't think your allergic to anything but you suddenly become sick or start to swell go straight for a hospital/ clinic and get your self checked out.

I wrinkled my nose as I reread what I'd written, it was so shocking that this had actually happened to me. It had all started when I was 12 and I was 16 now, mum had called it bad luck, I called it crap fate/ destiny. I didn't understand where I had gone wrong or where I went wrong, it just happened. It wasn't that I was this goddess that had loads off dates but because of this advantage they failed. Actually I thought off myself as pretty average looking. I had my mom's fiery hair and freckles. Dad's blue eyes, slim body and height. I looked at my work again. Why me.

Feeling a bit bored I walked out of my room, down the stairs and into the kitchen. Mum was hard at work making some raisin bread. Her never-ending curls of auburn fire moved in rhythm with her as she punched the dough and then massaged it. Roaming about in the fridge for anything edible my mind drifted back to Sam. Who would have thought after years of longing for some space away from the guy when he actually gives me space, I miss him like crazy. Not saying I loved him or anything, not at all, I just needed someone who had some interest in me to be here, help me with my book. I had known Samuel J Turner for 5 years, since I stared high school. I was the only person from my primary school to go to Dellwood High and he was the first person I met. He was so friendly and I will admit pretty cute with his luminous blue eyes and jet black hair, can people get black hair? I don't really know.

Anyway his hair was a jet black color and it still is, looking as good as ever. Ok, I can admit he's nice - I saw his six pack - plus he's got a lot of girls crushing on him, his girlfriend is one lucky girl. She doesn't go to our school but I see her daily, she's really nice. Rosemary, cheesy name but it matches her strawberry long blond hair and vixen like cat green eyes. Anyone could see she was crazy about him and him for her; they made such a cute couple. They are like the people you dream of being because their relationship is perfect, I know I did. There I go again, I sighed and pulled myself out of the fridge. In the end I got nothing from the fridge and headed back upstairs, it was about 4:50pm but sleep had grabbed me by its claws and was pulling me in and I had to comply