How Long is Forever? Full Chapter 14

It was my Mother again, stressed out from the Jennason wedding that she was becoming ridiculously stern, even when there weren't any reasons for being that way. I'd come home to find her locked in her office, and when I'd pick up the receiver, a conversation about the prices for wedding gowns and catering companies or a conversation between her and a client could be heard from the other line. Laying down the receiver, I sighed, looking over at the sticky note stuck on the refrigerator saying that dinner was in the freezer and that all I had to do was slip it into the oven.

Mom had been a number one believer that a full on, sit down dinner with your family was the perfect way to end a busy day, or so she used to, anyway. Not once did she ever let us eat frozen preservatives such as TV dinners. When Dad was still here, she stressed to us how important it was to bond, catch-up, and share a delicious meal with family after ever day, busy or not. Also to never forget who mean the most important to us, even amidst all the work weighted on our shoulders. But that was in the past, lately, she'd come home from the office a little over nine or ten. By then, the kids would already be asleep, and I would be getting ready for bed with her food lying covered, cold, and alone in the dining table downstairs.

"Destiney, did you put the kids to bed already?" She'd say to me, her hand cupped over the receiver to block out anything that the person on the other line could've heard.

"Yes, I did." I'd answer flatly against the silence of our dark hallway as I made my way to my bedroom. I heard Mom get back on the phone with her client, but stayed outside the door of her office.

"Yes, can we finish this tomorrow when I get to the office? Ok, no, thank YOU. Ok, bye bye." Her tone was different from usual. "Honey, can you come here for a second?"

I was reluctant to walk back, eager to wash off the clay that had crept through my fingernails after a day in pottery class. But I turned around anyway, walking back as I made soft thuds on the carpet. When I was finally standing in front of the double doors to her office, she held the door open for me. Uh-oh, this can't be too good, I thought. I walked in, sitting down at a chair in front of her huge, cherry oak wood desk, my sweaty, clay infested hands gripping the leather exterior until my knuckles gave off a pale shade of white. She closed the door behind her, walking back and sitting herself down on the other side of the desk before placing the receiver back.

"I wanted to discuss," She started, her hands clasped in front of her chest. "A schedule that I will be giving you."

My eyebrows instantly shot up. "A schedule?" I repeated, already sensing a ridiculous reason behind it. "What kind of schedule?"

"The Jennason wedding will be coming up soon, the location will be in Warwick. I'll be driving back and forth there now, which means that I will need you to be there at all times for Serena and Caleb. I've come up with a sched-"

"Mom, I take care of them all the time. I know what to do and I certainly won't be needing a schedule to keep up." I said, already feeling my cheeks flame up.

"Destiney, I know that," She looked at me just as sternly. "But I'm sensing that you seem to have gone...astray, lately. And I just wanted to remind you where your priorities stand."

Amazing. This was insanely ridiculous. "You think I've gone astray? Explain, because I'm still the Destiney that cringes at the thought of leaving her siblings alone, especially since their Mother can't even be there for them." The words had come so fast, so sudden. Before I knew it, my Mother was speechless.

"Destiney," Mom took a deep breath, closing her eyes. "I am stressed out. Right. Now."

"Mom, I understand everything you're going through, trust me." My voice became soft. "Don't worry about me, you've got work to take care of. The kids are in good hands, when have I let you down?"

"Destiney, just listen to me."

"I am."

"Then please, let me introduce to you the schedule that I have written out." She opened her drawer, pulling out a stack of what looked to be fresh print outs of the schedule, which looked more like a calendar. She pushed it towards me, looking at me intently. I scanned through the boxes and days in which little statements were written inside.

I read them aloud. "Wednesday, 12:30 PM. Caleb gets dropped off at Carla's while Destiney picks up 50 dozen roses for-"I stopped, reading the lines printed inside each box. "Mom, this has nothing to do with where my priorities stand, you want me to run errands for your wedding?" I looked up at her, feeling ready to burst, but contained myself.

"Destiney, please." She looked at me, her stressed expression making the wrinkles and folds around her eyes crinkle. I didn't say anything for a while, but stood up, finally giving in.

"I'll look over them tomorrow." And with that, I picked up the schedule, darting for the door. I didn't feel like being in the position to argue, it had been a long day.
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"Did you look over the schedule last night?" Mom said before picking up her coffee mug and taking a sip.

"Yes, I did." I said, across the table.

"Today, I will be going to Warwick, Dave is going to be picking me up." She looked down, folding her napkin before laying it down in front of her. "So, Destiney, you do know that today-"

"I will be picking up the invitations, I know, Mom." I cut her off, finishing her sentence for her. We were having breakfast that morning and she was reminding me of the schedule she had made for me the night before, which I was strongly against.

"Good."

Just then, the telephone rang, I was surprised to see my Mother bolt out of her chair and run to the counter where the phone rang away.

"Hello?" Mom breathed into the receiver. "Dave? Yes, yes, I'm ready. Five minutes? Alright, ok, bye bye."

Mom was still smiling as she turned around to face me. "That was Dave, he'll be here in five minutes."

Within minutes, the door bell rang, and my Mother seemed more than willing to get the door. Wondering why she was so jumpy, I sat down on the stairs, peering through the wooden bars to see if this man was really worthy of being fussed about.

"Hello, Nova." A man walked in, suitcase in hand, wearing a crisp, clean white polo which was tucked underneath his black trousers. Around his neck was a black neck tie. A halo of light brown hair wrapped around his shiny bald head. Although his hair surely didn't indicate that he had once been good-looking, I saw in his face that he still had a young look about him, as if old age had not tarnished his youth-like appearance.

"Hello, Dave." Mom smiled just as wide, hugging her co-worker back as he held his arms out to her.

I haven't seen the sparkle glowing in Mom's eyes at that moment since the trip we took to Hawaii when Dad was still here. I was only seven at that time and the only child, the hotel that we were staying in was having a luau that night. So I sat there as a child, watching my parents sway to the soft, Hawaiian music that the band was playing. I was tired, exhausted. I was sitting down in one of the big, white round tables that took up most of the courtyard's space which overlooked the beach right next to it. The warm breeze made the Christmas lights and lanterns that hung above the metal sticks and poles sway gently. The fire flies were dancing, the moonlight shining.

Through child-like eyes, I laid my crossed arms on the table, letting my cheek rest upon it while I watched. Other couples were there as well, but my gaze was in full attention to that of my Mother's and Father's swaying, twisting, and turning. I don't know what it was that made it feel so peaceful and serene even with the laughter of the people in the air and the smooth rhythm of the band, all I knew was that I saw love. My mother was laughing, her face as happy as a child's while my Father planted a light kiss on her cheek. His arm was wrapped around her slim waist while his other hand was intertwined with hers. And the twinkle in her eyes, which was similar to that of the ones I saw in her eyes right now, they were so bright, so vivid, as if all the joy in the world was at her feet.

It's funny because they looked so peaceful and whole that time that I forgot that even the strongest, toughest people in the world could break open as well. Even a heart that was as strong as a bull's is capable of hurting too. And in this case, even the strongest families had a heart-wrenching story to it that would later on, eventually, break them in two if they weren't careful. If there was a story as to why my father left, I didn't know, and I didn't want to. I was afraid that whatever the truth bared, it couldn't be good, and I didn't want to go on with life hating my Father.

It was a bit overwhelming seeing this woman come to life again, weird, even. My gaze watched her intently, observing her angle, her laugh, and her voice. I didn't know whether to feel good or feel confused. Or maybe I was even confused right then and there. What did my Mom really want in life? As of right now? With no husband and only three kids to keep her company. I wonder if she was complete with her life, or did she go around wondering like I did? Feeling that there was something missing, and there had to be something, maybe something that would eventually fill the gap? Before, it had been easy to say anything to her, to let myself fall on her, let my emotions run wild with her. What was so different about now?

It's like waiting for time to pass, when everything seems good, so good that you can barely contain yourself for the fear of missing out on anything that could've happened without you, time seems to go by in the blink of an eye. You watch it go by, and it's there. You close your eyes and open it, it's gone. Time is long when things are different, when a part of your life has changed, shifted. When things don't go the right way, when you're frantically trying to find the right path but there's just nowhere to turn, time seems to dwell upon us, torturing us. Mom as a happy, carefree person was so easy, so gentle and caring that I never really saw her there long enough, to take notice, to appreciate who she was at the time because I thought she'd always stay. Stay the way she was and never change. Unfortunately, I was wrong; she passed on too quickly to stay for the bad. And now that Dad's gone, it seems that time had taken her away from us too. Time was slowly blurring. I know I'll always be attempting to catch it, and that's part of the thrill but also a risk, nonetheless; whether I'd be able to succeed or not.
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I stared at the schedule tacked up on my bulletin. I breathed in, and then out. This is ridiculous, I thought to myself as I took it, looking at it more closely. I had just got back from dropping Caleb off at Carla's just as it said on the schedule, it was Thursday and Mom was in Warwick, yet again.

"Pick up reservation cards at 549 Montrreal Avenue." I read aloud, pushing the schedule closer to my gaze. The faster I get this done, the faster it's over with, I thought.

The car wouldn't start. What is wrong with you? I silently asked the car as if it had a mind of its own, its engine being the brain and somehow, it'd just magically read my mind and tell me the answer to my question. Suddenly, I looked up to find that the light had been on the whole time, slapping my forehead, I realized.

"Battery," I whined, "please, don't die on me!" But it was already too late, it wouldn't start. Mom would be pissed to find out that the invitations were still sitting inside cardboard boxes at the paper card shop, packed nice and tight, leaving no sign that it had been touched, or in this case, picked up.

After two minutes of sitting inside the car, frustrated and a little hot, I stepped out. I leaned against the door, feeling the cool, black surface press against my hot skin. Last night, I couldn't doze off to sleep, regardless of my 'no tossing and turning' policy in order to eventually drift off to sleep. I laid there, my eyes shut but my mind still ticking like the engine of a clock. Eventually, when I managed to finally doze off, I found myself in a dream.

It was my father. He and I were at a carnival, everything felt hazy but clear. Weird, as with all dreams. Flashing lights and the spinning of rides and everything else felt new to me, as I was a child in my dream, walking hand in hand with my father toward what looked to be like giant tea-cups in different patterns and colors. Once my eyes were on them, it never lurked anywhere else.

"Should we try that one, princess?" His voice felt far-away, sounding not at all like my father, but in this dream, I just knew it was him.

I remember nodding, absent-minded as I stared at a giant tea-cup. Then, as if time had moved in the blink of an eye, he had me in his arms, lifting me up into one of the giant tea-cups. I recalled taking the handles in my little hands, my tiny fingers unable to wrap around it. I looked back to see if my father was going to climb in as well, but I only saw his back, walking towards something else, only I didn't know what. I quickly scrambled up, reaching up for the brim of the cup then pushing myself up so only my head poked out of the brim. I watched, wondering where he was going.

"Daddy..." I whispered, still puzzled.

I watched, my knees starting to ache from the hard, plastic surface of the tea-cup. I remember my breath becoming rapid as a little girl who looked similar to me only with blonde, spiral locks ran into his arms, the arms that had just lifted me up into this tea-cup, which had simply no effect on me anymore. In fact, I felt like getting out of there and running away, feeling so alone inside the tea-cup, its emptiness enveloping my tiny body as I stayed there by myself. It's space served no more purpose of having someone there to fill it up, or at least someone, just someone to take your hand to reassure you that even with the ugly truth of this cold, dark, cruel world you were living in, there was still hope, a light at the end of the tunnel even with the open space that held nothing but hurt.

Who was this girl? I remember asking myself as I watched some more. He repeated doing the same for her just as he had done to me, lifting her up onto a giant tea-cup, only this time, he did not walk away and leave, instead, he climbed in once she was already settled inside. He took her onto his lap, their hands intertwined as they placed them on the handle bars. Suddenly, my palms became slippery and sweaty against the brim of the cup, feeling helpless, my vision became blurry. Breathing heavily, I quickly swiped my arm through my watery eyes, the blurriness becoming clear again as I saw him kiss her on the cheek as she giggled.

"Daddy..." I muttered again, coming out more between a whisper or a whimper. No one had warned me when the engine roared, just as no one had warned me that I would be alone, belonging somewhere but struggling to feel like I did, whether it be inside the tea-cup, or life itself, there was no difference in the matter. As soon as I felt the engine of the cups start to chug underneath me, I held on tight, trying once more. "Daddy!"

But we were spinning now, faster and faster, I sat back down, my hair flying like furious curtains. My eyes started to well up with hot tears, I felt it escape my eyes and float up and off my face as it vanished against mid-air.

"Daddy!" I yelled some more. But I couldn't be heard, everything felt like light years away as I spun around and around, the world deaf to my cries. The cup was moving so fast that I thought it would just swallow me whole.

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" I was yelling now, feeling like a lost soul, stumbling on stubs and the roots of tall, skinny trees inside a forest. "Daddy!" I tried again, but nothing. It was useless. It kept spinning, faster and faster. Everything became hazy again as all the colors of the surroundings blended in together. Feeling frustrated, I shut my eyes. Tight. Holding onto life, holding onto my fears. Just like I have all these years. Without my father, without the giant tea-cups stopping for even just a second to allow me to breathe. Life was going on, spinning even, and my father wasn't there, even with his presence still existing in this world.

I took a big breathe in, letting it fill up my lungs as I felt a lump rising in my throat. Everything in that stuffy garage went blurry as I gasped for air, quickly swiping at my face with my hands, trying to hide the evidence of my emotion. My weakness. For a quick second, I thought I'd be a baby for just a little bit and stay there in the garage, letting my emotions run wild for once. Maybe even cry myself a river, who knows? I let myself feel sorry for myself as I stood there, stopping all of a sudden as I heard a bark from the other side of the closed garage door. Feeling startled, I quickly straightened up.

Only one thought. "Lucky?" I ran outside, only to find Noel's car parked on the driveway, Lucky's tail wagging as he ran around the lawn.

"Just came here to pick up the brushes I accidentally took last time." Noel called from inside of his car. "Don't worry, not gonna take long."

"Oh, it's fine, take all the time you need." I was secretly kind of glad actually, because for one thing, a thought had occurred to me right there. I bit my lip as I sorted out in my head how I was to put them in words. Nervous as I was, I stuttered as I let them out. "Are you...busy, by any chance?"

"Not really," He eased himself out of his car, taking quick strides to the side of the house, "Why?"

"Oh no, they're not over there." I quickly walked back into the garage, which I left open, and grabbed a white bucket filled with his paintbrushes that were sitting in front of our metal tool desk. But apparently, he didn't hear me because when I stepped out of the garage, he was frantically searching for them.

"Hey do you know where-" But stopped as he saw me standing in the driveway, waiting for him to catch on with the white bucket in hand. "Oh."

"So what were you saying?" He asked once everything was packed in the trunk of his Chevy.

"Feel like being an angel?" I asked, praying to God this would work out.
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"So," Noel looked at me as he handed back the schedule printed out for me, "this is all basically cut out for you, isn't it?"

I sighed, "I guess."

"How does she even know that you'll get all of these done? I mean, no offense, you probably will, but how is she so set on making you do all this?"

"It's been that way ever since Dad left, I guess I've learned to live with it."

He looked at me disapprovingly for a quick second before asking, "Alright, where to?"

"It's the last stop," I said, scanning down the whole schedule, "1853 Lenard Street, to pick up...oh my God, my Mother's dry cleaning. Great."

"Her dry cleaning? She's even got you running her own errands?" He asked.

"It's fine," my voice sounded frustrated as well. "The quicker we can get this done, the quicker it's over with."

As Noel backed out from the parking lot of where we picked up the invitations from, I extended my arm towards the back until I felt the soft fur between my fingers, my mind totally blank. Once I knew what I was doing, I slowly looked back at the sleeping Lucky that I had been stroking. I never noticed the dog whenever he was around Noel and I, which surprised me because I didn't usually pet dogs, much less to the ones that I didn't even notice. I just stared down at Lucky for about a minute or two, feeling a smile slowly emerge from my face. I looked up at the rear view mirror to find Noel's face looking back at me, and then slowly smiled back, and for a moment, I had to sort of catch my breath before breaking into a smile as well. And for the time being, we rode like that, in silence.

But the silence wasn't the kind where it was dreaded, because the right words couldn't be found or that there wasn't anything left to say. It wasn't the kind of silence that an empty house bared because of something that happened, causing everyone to close off into their own daze, too hurt to even share their feelings or the fact that they were, indeed, hurt. Or the silence from an awkward situation, either. But it was more like the kind of silence that you just understood, so that there was no need for words to complete the moment because in its own way, somehow, everything was in its right place already. It was the kind of silence that played a soft lullaby, not an awkward screech, where you waited for something to rescue you from something you knew would get even more horrible if you weren't saved in time.

I hung Mom's leather trench coat and creme colored pencil skirt in the back of the car, relieved that we were coming to the end of our journey of running my Mother's errands. I got into the passenger seat, breathing in a sigh of relief.

"Thank you," I looked over at Noel, who was fiddling with the radio. "Really."

The sun was setting as we drove our way through highways and roads, and eventually, the gas tank went empty. It had already been dark by the time we pulled into the gas station. Noel parked the car right next to a gas pump, jumping out as soon as the car stopped to pay. As I sat there motionless for a while, my eyes fell upon a deck of worn out cards sitting snug inside the console between the two front seats. I picked it up, examining the faded red elastic that held it all together, indicating that it had been put to good use sometime in the past. I questioned its existence inside his car but put it back down as I decided to stretch myself out, finally realizing how dead beat tired I had become. As I stepped out, it was warm outside, the breeze gently playing with my hair. The stars were visible since the gas station was in the middle of nowhere, only a few buildings visible from a distance. I sat down on the curb right next to the car, resting my forehead on my knees. I rested there for a while until I felt something furry brush up against my legs. I looked up to find Lucky lying at my feet. Guessing that I wasn't the only one who was worn out, I reached down and stroked his back, my fingers following the traces of his brown fur. When I looked to my right, Noel was already inserting the gas pump into the tank.

"Noel," I mumbled, still looking down at Lucky.

"Hm?" he murmured, concentrating on the gas pump.

"Why," I asked, suddenly remembering. "Do you have a deck of cards in your car?" I finally looked up at him.

"They're handy," He said as he stared down at me. "Trust me, at a time of boredom, they're super handy."

I giggled. "Then you must be bored a lot, since they looked pretty worn out to me."

"Yeah, I get so bored all the time that I love love love...to play cards all day." He smiled, his sarcasm kicking in again. "No, but I'm serious, even my king of spades is missing. It's been used so much that it got lost somewhere." He finished, pulling out the gas tank.

Studying him, my eyes fell upon his worn out jeans, which was specked with a few hints of white paint. Never was there a moment where his clothes weren't at least dotted with some amount of paint. I began questioning his personal life and how he lived it as I let my eyes linger for a moment. With each realization, he became like a book where in order to unfold the facts and find out more about the storyline, you had to keep turning each page to get there. And more and more, I was learning more about everything each day. Learning him each day. With this, I knew he was an artist, a painter. But no matter who you are, everyone has a way of relieving pressure or discomfort, something to confide in when all you could do to shut the world away was to get lost in something you were passionate about. Predicting he painted constantly, other than the fact that it was his life, I began to wonder what kept him going, what made him keep on going to do it and who he did it for? But I was unveiling him each day, slowly. The answers were bound to lie in front of me eventually.

Just as he sat down next to me on the pavement, he pulled out a tiny green and brown paper box with mint leaves and chocolate chips spotting the whole box metallically from his pocket, it gave off a beautiful glow.

I gazed at it, curious. "Mind informing me?"

He looked at me, following my gaze, "Gum."

"Gum?" it was one I had never seen, or heard of before. "Choco Nilla Mint," I read aloud from the box, my eyebrows crinkling.

"Not just any gum," He eyed it like it held the world's deepest darkest and not to mention funniest secret in the world. "I've been chewing this since I was a kid, can't find it anywhere else but this gas station. I guess you could say that this is what I come here for." He shook the box before opening it, pulling out a neatly wrapped stick of gum to give me. With no questions, I took it and unwrapped it from its shiny silver covering. Sure enough, it was a stick of gum that looked exactly like Neapolitan ice cream, except the pink was replaced by green so one section was brown, the middle was white, and the last was green.

"It's like mint chocolate chip gum, except it has vanilla," He gazed at the stick of gum with me which did look rather appetizing. "Party in your mouth and you'll never go back."

Putting it in my mouth, I chewed until it became soft, the flavors incredibly blending together into a minty, chocolaty, vanilla sensation that had captured my heart as well with each chew. "This..." I said in between chews, "Is really good."

"Keep it," He insisted.

"I couldn't, you said this is what you come here for and this place is pretty far from where you live, I'm guessing."

"Destiney, take it," He gently pushed my hand back as I held it out to him. "This is your first time having it, and I want this to be your very first box." He said, blinking down at it. "I've had it thousands of times."

I finally accepted it, not feeling too bad for keeping it now. The taste was amazing. I admired the box in my palms, running my fingers along the edges before I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I turned to him and watched him nod in approval before getting up and walking to the side of the dusty road where I sat inside the bus stop.

"Mom?" I breathed into the receiver as I stuffed the box of Choco Nilla Mint gum in my pocket.

"Honey," Her tone was weary. "It's almost eight, where could you be?"

"I was running your errands."

"Oh good, then that's fine...just make sure to get back in time for dinner," Relieved, she let out a huff of breath. "Are you alone?"

I swallowed for a moment, looking down at the dirt where I had made numerous circles with the tip of my right sandal. "I'm with Noel," I think my voice cracked a little. Jesus, help me.

"What was that, honey?" She asked her tone very much oblivious.

"No-Noel, Mom," I said more clearly. "I'm with Noel."

And for a few seconds, there was silence over the line until she breathed in and out heavily. "Just get back here with the stuff safely... and I won't question you."

I didn't say anything else.

"Well," she said, breaking the awkward pause. "I have to tuck Caleb into bed, I'll be waiting out for you."

"Alright," As I got off the phone, an unpleasant tingle rose from my stomach. My head was down, concentrating on the lines on the sidewalk leading to the gas station as I walked back.

"Des," Suddenly, something grabbed my wrist, causing an ear-splitting scream and a slight stumble out of me. Once I gained my balance back, I turned quickly around to find Noel's car parked right on the curb leading out of the gas station where I had been walking. I was too speechless that all I could do was gaze upon him with bewilderment, breathing hard with my eyes curving into slits as I watched his child-like smile turn into a sorry look. His eyes seemed to apologize for his own self and I knew I got him with this one.

"Destiney," He looked at me with regret. "I didn't realize just how much..." He swallowed before finishing his sentence. In hopes of not giving myself away, I stood there, not uttering one word while the only movement my body was making was the heaving of my chest. Two can play at this game.

"I'm so sorry, will you come in now?" All of a sudden I felt him tug at me. I looked down before realizing that his fingers were still closed over my wrist from grabbing it out of nowhere.

I smiled up at him slowly before giggling, "Gotcha."

He let go of my wrist and settled into his seat, a smile emerging from his lips. "Oh wow...okay, alright, you got me. You know, you're getting good at this stuff."

"Well," I walked to the other side and pulled open the door before climbing into the passenger seat. "It's what I get for hanging around you for so long, only learned from the best." I smiled out onto the open road before us as we headed further and further away from the gas station.

"I think you made me worry alone...I didn't mean to scare you."

The smile on my face turned into a confused look, "Really?"

"Well I parked near the bus stop because I knew that's where you had gone so I thought of waiting for you. " He explained, rubbing his chin with his hand. "And then you walked out and started walking toward the gas station...called your name for about, uh, I don't know, five minutes but you still didn't look up...looked like you were concentrating on something...well you had your eyes glued to the ground so it seemed that way to me."

I turned scarlet. "...Re-really? Oh..." To lighten up my embarrassment, I added in, "And here I was thinking I was a hot shot and all for getting you back when all the while it was really only because you were trying to get my attention." I shook my head and looked out onto the street lights as we entered the urban side of Providence.

"Really, now."

"Really," I said just as flat.

"Cause I thought it was pretty genius," Suddenly, Lucky's barking filled the back seat. "And apparently, Lucky agrees."

I smiled as I turned around and extended both my arms out to the dog, I had one eye closed, with my face scrunched up due to Lucky's excessive licks to my cheeks. I looked back into the rear view mirror to find Noel's reflection smiling at me that it was hard not to laugh. As soon as I let it out, the both of us engaged into a fit of laughter as Lucky continued to lick my face.

I couldn't believe how easy it was whenever I was around him. How easy it was for him to brighten me up or even make me feel any emotion whatsoever. Even with the unpleasant tingles I had felt inside my stomach earlier, it felt so easy to belt out even just a tiny shrill of laughter right then and there. Well the wonders and amazement had never really come to a halt, ever since that first day in Newport. I couldn't believe how simple everything could be, and things always seemed that way in the times I spent with Noel.

I made choices around him like it was mine to cherish and make use of, and he gave me the opportunity to, like always. Maybe months before, everything would have been different, maybe I would've let anyone else choose where I should be going or how I should be living. But the amazement and the choices never stopped, they kept going and going the same pace my struggles were unveiling before me, and it felt as though they were both clashing with each other and trying my hardest to make it all work is what I've being juggling. Furthermore, I amaze myself at how everything else was changing, or so it felt that way...and strangely, all I ever seem to do about it is to let it...let it change, that is. And I watch as the world alternates around me.

It was around nine by the time I got back, tucked Serena into bed while my Mother stayed locked in her den sorting out the arrangements for the wedding. Usually around this time, her stress would kick into high gear since the wedding was only weeks away. She would be on the phone constantly, papers scattered all over any furniture with a flat surface, and samples of objects that would be used for the wedding hidden anywhere it shouldn't be. Usually this drove me crazy as it would eventually start interfering with anything that I did daily, take for instance just moving papers out of the way in order to gain some space on a table, she would go mad if she never found it, claiming that 'it was where it should've been.' This time would also mean that she wouldn't be relaxed in any position she was in, complaining that something always had to be done and that the work doesn't end here. Even sitting still would be an accomplishment for my mother a few days before a wedding. And even when I saw her meditating with eyes closed, her fingers were counting and checking off all the tasks that she had covered days before and what was next.

Before she had Serena or Caleb, she and I would take drives to the beach and walk along the shore while she whispered to me how breathtaking the scene appeared to be, maybe it was the layering of the horizon, with its vivid colors and straight lines since it never failed my mother as if the view never seemed to get older, only much more exquisite with each visit. It was then that she kept work separate from her personal life, where she eventually bothered with work after we had all gone to bed. And strangely, I was missing something somebody else would have never noticed in their lives, like their mother actually acting like one. I missed my mother. The mother who was about the world, appreciating all the things that were in store for her, good and bad. I knew before my Dad left that casual ferry rides made everything clearer for my mother whenever things got blurry, it made everything she forgot come rushing back to her head within five steps out of the boat, anything that could settle any troubles my mother dwelt in, the boat was there to perform miracles. She hadn't been there or hopped on the ferry for a long time, because now, for the last two years, coffee was her number one stress reliever and keeper of her sanity. And the old tickets from the ferry she never got rid of are packed and stored away in a box hiding somewhere in the dark in a corner of our garage.

I was thinking of asking if she needed anything before I'd gone to bed but as I stood out in the hallway in front of her door, I could overhear her having a heated discussion on the phone with her client, the thin doors revealing another stress-factor she was working so hard to resolve as she made an effort to compose her tone of voice to avoid any disagreements that could arise between them. Their discussion seemed to be about why switching theme colors were impossible to do at this place and time of the wedding. I decided to turn in for the night and climbed into bed eventually. Lying down tucked in my comforters and staring out into the pitch black ceiling, my mind was racing with flashbacks of earlier on today. Suddenly remembering, I reached to my left side, opened my night stand and reached for the box until my fingers came in contact with it. Once I felt my palms close over it, I took it, running my fingers over the smooth surface while trying to contain a smile that emerged from my face from growing any wider. I opened the box, pulling out a stick of gum before I put the box back inside my night stand. After unwrapping it and putting it in my mouth, I chewed slowly, cherishing the strange but favorable taste.

I then realized just how many things in this world go unnoticed. And when it was revealed, it so easily captured the discoverer's heart like lightening. Noel shared a secret of his with me that night. One that he knew of himself, only. If it reached me like it did tonight, then the world was bound to gain knowledge of it as well. Someday.