How Far Would You Go?

So, how far would you go? Love is a tricky creature, just when you think you've caught it, you are only grabbing air. If it was easy, everyone would have it, everyone would be happy right? What if it wasn't so easy? What if to obtain the greatest joy, you would have to go to hell and back? And I meant that most literally.

We have all been there I'm sure. Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl. Girl cheats on boy, boy is sad. But boys are dumb and still want to be with the girl. Mistakes are made right? Besides we all have our reasons, and there's always more to the story. Forgiveness is the first step to becoming truly close. If we never made mistakes that needed forgiven, then did we really live?

Well this is my story of sadness, of mistakes, of forgiveness and most importantly of love.

You'd be amazed at how old one can feel in your mid twenties. Your body is just beginning to lose that bounce of youth. When you fall you don't get up as fast, your knees don't quite flex like they used to. And your midsection likes to stay a bit more round than it used to. But the one great thing about the mid twenties is you are past that youthful ignorance on emotions. Hopefully a bit more responsible in life and that's right where I was. I never really had much of a 'home,' don't get me wrong. My home life with my folks was amazing. I had a sibling rivalry, a few pets; all in all, it was pretty good. But it never felt like home. I turned eighteen and moved out almost immediately. College, life, where ever it took me, that's where I slept. With that comes the lack of friends, but when you are anti-social you only need a few. And internet dating makes the rest easy.

So I'd spend my nights sending out the endless emails to girls, fishing really. You have to use a lot of bait to get one bite. Play the statistics, there's a few of them and a lot of us. I got one really lucky bite, this girl was beautiful. She had curves in all the right places, a most excellent bust. And the best part was her eyes, absolutely endless. Yes we all hear those stories of being lost in someone's eyes, blah blah. But when you finally meet that someone where that happens, it all makes sense.

Our first date, coffee and a movie, pretty standard and harmless for an internet based date. Never know who you meet and being in a public place increases your odds of making it home alive. So we have some Starbucks at the mall, I've already purchased the tickets, so we walked right into the theatre. Cute little kid's movie, which turned out to be the most depressing and happy movie I've ever seen. Hell I almost cried, she sure did. She was so cute; it was hard to watch the movie and not her. I get to hold her hand, so very soft. The end of the movie, the crowd begins to filter out, and we are just sitting there for a second. I lean in to tell her something, "Not a bad way to spend a first date." But instead of leaning back in my chair, I go in for the kiss. The softest, fullest lips I've ever had the joy of tasting. The kind you still feel well after your lips part. Well I was hooked, that's for sure.

We have a few lunch dates, a few good times, some kissing. But alas my work calls. I have to go up north a few hours with my ship that I'm stationed on. Yes, I'm in the Navy, don't judge me. But it was only a few hours, and for whatever reason the ship decided they wanted to stay there over the weekend. We weren't working; we were just going to stay up there instead of coming home and going back out on Monday. As soon as liberty went down on that Friday, I ran to the closest and only car rental place in the area. Luckily I got the last car. Even luckier was the group of people I worked with that didn't get a car. So the deal was, they pay for the car, and they drive back south. Win situation for me to say the least.

And my situations got better at home too, see she was going out with friends and invited me out with her. Her friends were a group of marines. Pretty nice guys, one looked like my friend from college, even acted the same. It was fun watching them run around trying to find girls to take home. I just acted the friend at the bar, I gave her space, we all laughed. Closer to the end of the night, she was returning from the bathroom, she gets stopped by a fellow bar patron, as most cute girls do. Her friend turns to me and asks if I'm going to go say anything. I just shake my head, and tell him to watch. She brushes the guy off, and walks straight up to me. Ah this girl is amazing! She's very independent, anything she can't handle, I'll jump in without hesitation, but she doesn't need me for the little things in life.

Well closing time, I'm sober, well mostly anyway, so I drive her friends home. Then we get her car and she is going to come to my place since I lived just down the street. We are on the couch, talking, and then kissing. And then well. This isn't a steamy romance novel. All I will say, is no girl has ever made me feel so good in one night than this girl.

So here I am, with the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, the girl that makes me want to climb mountains, just to say I could. I'm totally hooked. But like all stories, there's a sad time too. There were things about this girl I didn't know yet. She's been through quite the troubling life and gets dealt the short hand. She did well, some poor choices, but can't say I wouldn't do the same. We talk less and less, doesn't answer texts very fast or even the same day. So I went and tracked down her favorite champagne. I have the bottles at my house for a few days, still can't seem to get her out or get me in so we can enjoy them together. Figured she's having a terrible time with what is going on in life, so what the hell, I pack them up and bring them to her house.

A knock at the door later and a random girl answers her door, I ask for her, and I see the glare of a guy on the couch from beside her. I know you've already figured it out, but me, not so much. She's talking in whispers, about why I'm there. That I should have called. All the reasons, why I shouldn't be there; I still didn't add it up. Then the guy comes to the door, I introduce myself, shake his bastard hand. Then it dawned on me. This was the other guy. It all made sense then. So I give her the bottle, wish her a nice life and walk away. Not the manliest thing to do. And I regret not kicking the living shit out of him every day.

A few months go by; I'm for the most part over this girl. I mean I had to right? But some thing tells me to call. We talk for a bit. Decide to have one last night out as friends to just get closure. I don't know what I wanted; maybe I just missed her and wanted to be near her one last night. I wasn't over her. There was nothing I wanted more than to hold her in my arms and keep her forever. But I don't say anything, the night ends; she's getting out of my car, but leans in and kisses me before getting out. I'm completely dumb struck by this. The girl who I thought was over me, who I figured didn't want me given that fateful night. What the hell do I do now! I know I love this girl. I know this to my very core. That was a very long drive home.

So there you have it, I'm completely hopeless, I love this girl, and I don't know the extent to how much she cares for me. I know she has trust issues. That guy apparently was an ex-boyfriend; the abusive type. Yes I saw the bruises, and yes the more I regretted not pummeling him that night. So it's time to call her and set up another date.

I don't know how many days I called her, there was no answer. Might have been just under week had gone by and the phone picked up. But it wasn't her. I of course asked for her. Thinking it was her friend that picked it up for her. But it was her sister. That was very odd since she lived a few states away. I was given the unfortunate news then. She had taken her own life. She went quietly, just over-dosed on pills and went to sleep. I don't really remember what happened after that. I know there was a lot of anger, and sadness. I remember I cried a lot. And I'm pretty sure I broke my hand on the wall.

I knew she was troubled, but she knew I'd always be there for her. I promised her, I'd never let her down, that no matter what I'd always be there. Always. Ready for the great dilemma? If you are a Christian and you kill yourself you go to hell, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. Or you are atheist and you just stop existing. So what happened to her? Did she just go to sleep and that was it? Or is she suffering somewhere alone now; victim to another poor decision. I sat there for a few days, I read a few books in the past explaining the whole death vs hell bit. What gets you sent to where in hell. The worse the sin, the closer you go to the middle of hell. Suicide puts you pretty far in apparently.

So how do I get to hell? Last I checked there wasn't any highway for it. And yes I'm seriously considering driving there if need be. There's really only one way, I need to die. But where would I go? I know I tried to lead a good life, so heaven would be a bad thing, well considering my goal anyways. There's always suicide. That in theory should get me right to where she went. But how do I kill me self. Does it matter how you do it. Is over dosing considered worse than say a knife, or a gun; so I do the only logical and illogical thing I could think of. I overdose as well. It worked for her; let's see where this rabbit hole goes.

I decided the bathtub was the best place to do it, less messy; didn't want to vacate my bowels in my bed. I have some dignity. I took everything and anything in my bathroom. All the pain killers, Tylenols, vitamins, you name it, I ate it. I'm assuming it was the bottle of Nyquil mixed with the codeine that made me drowsy. I just fell asleep in the tub. Wasn't so bad really, no different than falling asleep any other day, at least until the nightmare. Now I've had nightmares, and night terrors. But this was like no other. Imagine your darkest fears, now prison raping your mind. That would get you close to what it felt like. Then total blackness consumed everything.

I woke up, wearing tattered jeans an old tank top and some sneakers with one hell of a headache. I stood up, fighting the pounding in my head. Looking around I didn't really know where I was. My eyes were still focusing; the background noise was just that, noise. I couldn't make out if it was bad music, or a lot of people talking. As my eyes came in to focus, I can only imagine how wide they got. I definitely made it in to hell. The 'noise' was thousands of people in every direction. Covered in filth wandering aimlessly around, some naked, others brutally beaten and in some cases missing limbs.

Welcome to hell, yes it's hot. Yes I had second thoughts of what I had done. No I wasn't going to run now. I achieved what I wanted. Now all I had to do was find her. Time apparently means nothing in hell. You don't age, there is no day or night. You just exist. I guess you could call it existing. I felt tangible, I had legs and didn't float all ghost like. But where do I start? I guess any direction was a good place to start. So I headed for where I could see the most people. Passing people crying and screaming, cursing and mumbling for what seemed to be days. Some of it I could understand, other things not so much.

Its weird scrutinizing everyone you see, maybe just maybe one of them would be her. Did she get hurt somewhere? Was she one of the many maimed or decrepit laying in piles? What seemed to be weeks passing turned to months. Of course it didn't matter; I really had all eternity to find her. Not to say that sooner wouldn't be better.

Now you'd think that being in hell would be bad enough, but I've been wrong before. There were gangs for a lack of a better word. Groups of people dominate over a group of land that I assume was less suffering. Or maybe it just gave them purpose. I got pretty good at seeing them before they saw me, and more so at running away. Now I could fight them. But then I'd spend more time fighting than I would be looking for her. Not really sure if wounds even healed down here. I wouldn't think so myself. Seems like that would add to the suffering. After a good sprint away from the last group of hell scum I wondered into a group of seemingly peaceful folks.

Looks like a small community of people together that helped fend off the more aggressive types. Makes sense I guess; grouping up for defense. They were weary of my intentions, but who wouldn't be. They let me in nonetheless. I made my way down this alley of run down buildings, a few people here and there. I was looking for a place to catch my breath and just relax without worrying about someone else wanting to either chase or fight me for being there.

Here's the really crazy part. I saw her. Down the street and turning a corner, I knew it had to be her. Who else could it be? Her raven hair, those big brown eyes and lips had to be hers. What was a bit more running at this point? When I made the corner of course she wasn't anywhere to be seen. Screaming her name over and over, running wildly through the streets. Finally after a few blocks, I caught up to her. I don't think she recognized me when I grabbed her arm. Can't blame her, I was covered in filth. Well so was she, but she was still the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen. After recovering from the mean left hook she has. I think it dawned on her. Pretty sure she would have been crying if our tear ducts weren't dried up. She couldn't stop saying how she couldn't believe I was there.

A few hours later, many hugs too. I finished telling her how I got there. Of course she yelled at me for being stupid and irresponsible; hard to take her serious when she's hugging and yelling at me. When she asked why I did it, I could only respond, 'I made you a promise, to always be there." I guess most people don't really mean their promises, or have secret little clauses to break them of their oath. I won't promise you anything unless I absolutely mean it under every condition.

So now what do we do, we are stuck in hell, haven't seen any elevators that bring you up to some cooler weather, let alone pearly gates. We did the only thing we could do; we kept walking; together this time. Hand in hand, probably the only happy people in hell.

Get this; you aren't supposed to be happy in hell. Seems that really upsets the powers at be and I'm sure some cosmic balance was thrown off with it. Up until this point I hadn't seen anything that resembled demons, corrupted angels, let alone Lucifer. But we started being chased by these winged creatures, they were black humanoid creatures. Scales and slimy fur covered bodies, and a wing span at least as wide as they were tall. Of course they had weapons, because the odds weren't enough in their favor being huge muscular demons that could fly. Silver lining to this, they weren't the brightest bunch. Hack and slash type. I couldn't keep dodging them forever. So I figured a trap would be best. I found a small run down building with small frames that they would have to stoop to get through. Sure couldn't fly let alone open the wings full spread. I gathered the sharpest rocks I could carry without hurting myself when I would throw them. And we waited. I made sure she was far enough away from danger, but close enough for me to get to her should something happen.

If this was the movies, this plan might have worked. Alas, this is not the movies. Rocks don't really hurt demons; they do, however, really piss them off. That and they just plow through the buildings; apparently stooping isn't how they walk through low passages. So now I got this armed demon, which's really pissed off at me, plowing through the building at me. Well this is just peachy. I managed to dodge the first swing, and managed to slow his fist down with my chest. Unfortunately it did nothing for my now limp body flying into the adjacent wall.

I could feel every bone in my body shudder from the impact. To say the least, it freaking hurt. You ever hit you head so hard even your heartbeat makes it hurt? That's where I was; fading from consciousness, my muscle on fire and my bones aching. As my vision started to blur and fade I saw what easily the worst possible outcome was. Instead of finishing me off, which in retrospect, how do you kill what is already dead? The demon turned to her. She sat there calling my name, screaming it over and over in between sobs. The demon stopped to look at her, then me, I swear it smiled at me then. It raised its sword above its head, still staring at me with its toothy grin. Turned to her and brought his sword down.

This time, however, it was like the movies. The hero manages enough strength to stand 1 last time. I managed to run and intercept the sword. Maybe not so movie like as the sword pierced through my back like it was air. But she was safe, for a little while longer. The look on the demons face was almost as priceless as hers. I laid there on top of her. My body being engulfed in heat, I still can't move, but I figured I was bleeding to death. Did you know you don't bleed when you are dead? Makes sense I guess lack of a heartbeat and all. That warm feeling wasn't my blood and entrails. It was light. Blinding white light poured from the wound. The demon staggering back as the room started to be filled from this unknown light. When the light was cast on the demon, it growled in disgust and tried to get away from it. But the light started to burn and boil the demon where it stood. Only a few seconds did it have a chance to suffer before combusting into flames and shortly after blowing away as dust. The light faded as fast as it showed up.

My body started to react to my desires again. I sat up and faced her; holding her tight in my arms. We sat there; eyes closed just holding each other. I found it really hard to open my eyes then, not that it hurt, but the room seemed to be really bright for no reason. As it came into focus and my pupils stopped having a seizure from the change. I realized that I wasn't in that room. And even worse, I wasn't holding her anymore. I was sitting outside in the grass. It was really nice out, warm breeze in the air, but it wasn't hot out.

I gathered what little bearing I had anymore and stood up, decided as I did the last time, to just start walking till I found her again. Luckily I didn't have to go far before being found by others. Instead of being filthy and battered, these people were clean and decently dressed. Not quite toga's but not really sure what it was. If you mixed a toga with board shorts and sandals, you'd have it. After a few introductions to people who I'd never be able to pronounce their name, I was informed my presence was requested else where. Not like I really knew where I was, or where I was going, so why not.

It didn't take long at all before I was standing before a rather large man, he definitely had a toga. Ironically he had a name tag on. One of those hi my name is types. By this point it all made sense, the clean happy people, the lack of tormented souls. This had to be heaven. And the guy in front of me was Peter, or Pete he preferred.

Pearly isn't quite what I would use to describe the gate to heaven. Massive golden bars as far as the eye could see on both sides, and equally as high. Like a giant bird cage. Seems the big guy was watching what I was doing. Yes suicide is bad, but killing your self to chase another, and ultimately sacrificing your self in hell, was enough of a get of jail free card. He handed me my 'Book of your life.' All the little details you would have like to have forgotten, thoughts of how people felt about you, all your happiest days were logged in this book. You don't read the book though, you turn the page and the book reads your memory into your mind, really creepy if you ask me. Pete informed me all I had to do was walk through the gates and eternal happiness was mine.

Not one to look eternal happiness in the mouth, I stepped forward. I hesitated though; I had to ask him one question before I walked in. Was she there? Pete leaned over his little podium and shook his head, she wasn't on the list, she would have to remain in hell where she was. She didn't earned what I had.

I gave a little sigh, handed the book back to him and politely declined. If heaven really was the place for eternal happiness, then she would be there waiting for me. He asked me if I was sure of my decision. I just nodded and told him, 'I was happy in hell with her, why would heaven be without her?'

I expected him to be angry with me. Or get stuck by lightning. Something other than him smile at me and say 'Good answer.' To say I was a little confused, would be an understatement. He motioned behind me and there she stood. All cleaned up, new clothes, hair all done up with that little smile she likes to tease me with. I get the feeling I was set up. After holding her tight in my arms yet again, I'm sure I was crying at this point, but if ever tell anyone that, I'll definitely deny it. Pete gave a little cough and we both turned to him. He said that I can go in to heaven as I wish, but she, however, could not be. She still committed suicide and they still have a 'business' to run. They did give us option three.

Next thing I remember, I'm waking up in my bed. The sunlight is creeping through the window. My cat is sitting on my chest wanting breakfast. There's no way all of that was a dream. Could I have been? I looked at my watch; it was the day of her suicide. I'm sure I have the neighbors a nice show as I ran out of the door still getting dressed hopping to my car. I raced down the highway, ignoring all the cars, and speed limit. I was really glad there weren't any cops on that stretch of road. I made it there in record time. I ran up to her door and pounded as hard as I could, I'm really surprised the door didn't give way. She opened the door a crack; my heart skipped at least 3 beats. I could tell she just got out of bed; her hair was a mess, her pajamas still on.

"Why are you here?" I didn't really have an answer for her. I just told her I had a terrible dream that felt so real I had to prove to my self that I was just that. She looked at me all confused. I didn't really know what to say after sounding like a crazy person. I just looked away, sighed, and apologized. I started walking back to my car, when she grabbed me from behind and held me close to her. She whispered in my ear that she had the craziest dream about being in hell and me chasing after, all to end up back in heaven with her. I turned to her, lifted her chin to face me directly. "I promised you I'd do anything for you remember?"

This story continues to write itself more each day, not quite your happily ever after, but I'm seriously working hard at it. She's getting over her trust issues. And we talk a lot more about everything. It's not like we have many secrets from each other now. The only thing I'm certain of, our lives are definitely tied together somehow. I'll gladly spend my time figuring out exactly where that together begins and hopefully never ends.