Hot Flash -- Who Turned Up The Heat?

Psalm 139 reminds us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." Every fiber in our being is a testimony of that fact, and with the Psalmist I praise God for His marvelous works. Even with that spiritual truth reverberating in my heart, I discovered I needed a touch of down-to-earth humor to get through a mid-life crisis that attacks nearly every adult female (and, believe it or not, some adult males). Although some women have a number of symptoms during menopause, the crisis I’m referring to is neither emotional nor mental, but the totally physical phenomenon of the "hot flash." I say "phenomenon," because it is a wonder and curiosity that a wee fluctuation of one or two tiny, little hormones can throw the body into such chaotic disorder.

Within moments of experiencing that first flash of heat, a highly descriptive ditty simmered in my brain – one that captured the sensation in a nutshell. I wiped the steam from my glasses and penned these timeless words:

A sudden heat wave grabs me,
I’m flushed from head to feet.
I think I’m going to melt away.
Who turned up the heat?

I remembered the Apostle Peter’s prophecy that "the elements shall melt with fervent heat," and wondered if his wife might have been about my age when he wrote those words. Of course, I know Peter wasn’t actually referring to a woman experiencing a hot flash in those verses, but…his description was pretty accurate.

As with many negative aspects of life on this earth, I tend to point an accusatory finger at our ancestress, Eve, and ask, "Why didja hafta do it, Girlfriend?!?"

This is where the admonition, "Just say, ‘No,’" should have kicked in.

If not for Eve’s major mistake in the Garden of Eden, we women would be basking in perfectly climate-controlled bodies (sags and bags - we won’t even go there!). Since we can change neither the past, nor our female hormonal make-up, we must deal with yet another of those female "curses" that resulted from the fall.

Don’t get me wrong – I love being a woman in spite of some of those uncomfortable curses. It’s worth it all and, thankfully, hot flashes are not considered life-threatening. We are not expected to expire from this condition – merely perspire. Proverbs 17:22 reminds us that, "A merry heart does good like a medicine." I love that verse which reminds me that a twist of humor always helps.

Reality Events:

Here are a few observations that many women will find heart-warmingly (pun intended) familiar:

Where is a hot flash when you need it?

Last summer I went to the grocery store wearing typical summer attire -- cotton capris and a short sleeve shirt. I should have worn insulated snow gear and gloves, since the manager had apparently decided he wanted to refrigerate the entire store. I walked along the aisles, my teeth chattering (not an exaggeration!) and yearned for one of those dreaded hot flashes to hit.

"Come to my rescue," I silently begged. "Flash through my body like a wonderful, heat-inducing fireball and for once, just once, I will be grateful!"

Cooperation from a hot flash? Not in this lifetime!

If hot flashes could be timed to heat the body when warmth was needed, they might actually be useful, but more often they hit when you have just showered, applied make-up, and put on a dry-clean-only dress!

Warm and Toasty

Remember when the phrase "warm and toasty" had delightful connotations? You curl up under a soft blanket in front of a blazing fire, a cup of steaming, hot cocoa in your hand. Glowing firelight shimmers across your face, as the hot drink infuses your body with warmth….

Whoa! Hand me a fire extinguisher! Just imagining such a warm, fuzzy scene cranks up my inner thermostat nearly a dozen dreadful degrees.

Gone are the days when I come in from the cold, snuggle up in something cozy, and stay that way for more than two minutes. No sooner does my body begin to thaw, before its heating system revs upward, rising to temperatures way beyond warm and toasty into that black hole of hot and sweaty.

Iced tea, anyone?

Too Young for Hot Flashes? Just Wait, My Pretty!

Not long ago, my daughter, Sara, was a varsity cheerleader at her high school. One night when I attended one of the basketball games, that oh-so familiar feeling of molten lava swiftly poured through my veins. I immediately realized I had made two mistakes -- wearing a wool pullover sweater and neglecting to bring a fan.

As I sat on the bleachers with a Sahara-like heat enveloping me, I searched for something -- anything to get the air moving around my flaming face. There was nothing. Desperate, I began to wave a hand in front of my face and discreetly flap my sweater for a bit of air. I may have resembled a giant hummingbird in flight, but I didn't care. I was fearful that like the witch on the Wizard of Oz, I would soon find myself uttering the phrase shared by both the witch and most menopausal women, "I'm mel…ting."

After the game, my daughter confided that she and her friend, Kristin (who were well-aware of my frequent hot flash discomforts) had observed my fanning and flapping with hysterical laughter.

While I pretended to shrug off their amusement, inwardly, my thoughts were in the same wicked tone the witch had used with young Dorothy, "Just you wait, my little pretties, heh, heh, heh! Just you wait!"

Low Heating Bills

Winter means heavy clothing and furnaces blowing hot air – both of which bring on hot flashes like the plague – a condition that can easily be avoided by wearing thin cotton clothing as well as flipping the thermostat wa-a-ay down. As a result, heating bills in the homes of menopausal women are often the lowest in the country.

Aren’t we glad there is a silver-lining to our plight? In fact, I’ve heard it said that the bill for one hot-blooded woman dipped so low the utility company called to see if the house was still being occupied. Guess we could call it pennies from heaven – are you listening, Eve?

Weather Alert

Some years ago, I read an article in which a writer stated, "In the debate over global warming…the cold hard fact is: The heat is still there."

Well, yes! The heat is still here. That’s what I’m talking about!

The article quoted a former secretary of energy, listing four "cold, hard facts" about the problem. But not once in those "cold, hard facts" was there even a hint that body heat might have any impact on the earth’s rising temperature. I, for one, am amazed that no one has considered that possibility.

With so many baby-boomer females hitting the mid-life point together, hot flash syndrome has begun to reach epidemic proportions. As meteorologists scratch their heads, mystified at occasional surges in temperature, we of the female gender can smugly consider a perfectly plausible explanation – millions of women experiencing hot flashes at the same time have created moments of global warming.

Perhaps I should write a letter to the current secretary of energy informing him of that possibility – or better yet, I’ll send the letter to his wife.

Alternative or Attitude?

So, what it all boils down to (sorry, I just can’t resist these puns!) is -- Alternative or Attitude?
While hot flashes are not my idea of a good time, I’m reminded that the alternative to reaching this stage and age in life is not reaching this stage and age. And, in spite of hot flashes, the positives far outweigh the negatives. Life is an adventure that grows richer with every year – I love it! Therefore, I say with the Apostle Paul (even though he probably never endured a hot flash in his life!), "…for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." (Phil. 4:11).

We are fearfully and wonderfully made, and I am thankful that God has his finger on every tiny hormone inside our bodies. Who turned up the heat? Well, I guess that would have to be our Creator.There is a purpose to every aspect of the life God has given us. He delights when we depend on Him for all things – even "keeping our cool."

With a warm chuckle, I grab a fan and a cool drink, and content myself with that encouraging verse: "…this too shall pass…"