He Was My Everything - Part 2

Sad. That is how I would describe life after a break up. Being in pain, and getting ridiculed if you turn to others for help.

And he's not there. The one person who stood with me through everything. He just wasn't there. And my friends were driving me so crazy. They took me to see breaking dawn, after my break up. You may ask, "What's the big deal?"

Well, I'll tell you what the big deal is. Not only is breaking dawn an incredibly romantic movie, but Andrew had proposed me with the words, "Let's be Edward and Bella." And my friends? Why the hell would they understand!

So I am sitting in the hall, feeling super sad inside and so fake on the outside. But my acting skills weren't as bad as I thought. My friends completely bought it. When I saw Edward and Bella together, I couldn't help and miss my Edward. Andrew really was so much like Edward, so complex and yet so... genuine, kind, and admirable. I was so lucky.

I gave a huge sigh. Was. He and I are past tense.

Edward and Bella were getting married, and as they said their vows... they promised to be with each other in sickness and in health. But Andrew had left... he wasn't with me during this sickness. I know that it really isn't the best thing in the world to be around someone who's sad and has no wish to live. But I was depressed, fine.. I had been having problems in college and at home! It was just a phase, I didn't know that being so sad and all. But being the sane one, he should have understood... that I would have gotten over my misery. And I did, for him. And I never told him that, and believing that I was finally ok, he had broken up.

But he really is a great guy. I stick with that, despite what everyone says.

I felt better after the movie. Somehow.

I went home, acted all happy again. Andrew had given me a big stuff toy, it was a lady bug, a real beauty and it smelled just great. He had given me the gift three months after we had started going out. It had been his first gift to me and it really was priceless. I went to sleep holding it, wishing for everything to be fine. But this is the real world, not a storybook.

And I'll never know what really happened. Confused?

I don't know the actual reason why we broke up, I can only guess that it might be a family thing, and he just won't tell me. So that leaves me nowhere. I keep worrying about whether he is fine or not. And if he ever misses me, or regrets what's happened. The couple of times I have called him, he sounded so happy, as if he was... relieved, joyful at being free again.

My heart filled with happiness on hearing his voice sound like that. I had always wanted to see him smiling big. But then my heart tore into pieces, because it seemed that the only way he could be happy was by being separated from me. I cannot love him so much after he left me nor can I hate the person who stood by me at tough times.

So I was stuck. And I was in love with the one person who probably didn't love me anymore. The one person who had once taught me so much about love and life, now seemed to be a stranger to those very thoughts.

I got a message from him... "I am sorry. But you can never know why all this happened. I would put my life on stake before telling. And that's not an option for me." He was in another town at that time.

I instantly became anxious, what if something happened to someone in our family?... his family... tears rolled down my eyes. I went to sleep again, too tired to do anything else.

When I woke up, I was in pain, and I wanted to rush to my Andrew, protect him from everything that was bad and keep him as happy as I could. The last months I had begun to doubt not him, but myself. He was my knight in shining armor, protecting me... and now I just wanted to go... see him, make him smile, comfort him, love him.

My friends got very impatient, they felt I was being stupid and that he won't even receive me at the airport. I couldn't believe them. I would go to another town just to see him, and he is so good... how could he not come? I was restless the whole day, I didn't concentrate on the lectures, I just wanted to plan my trip.

Then suddenly I remembered a conversation Andrew and I had once had.
"Hey sweety," I said. I loved our long talks on the phone!
"Hi baby, how are you?" He whispered.
"I am good.. I miss you!" I squealed. He laughed, I loved the sound of his laughter... it made the world seem like a beautiful place to live in.
"I miss you too, my darling. You sound a bit upset."
"Oh, I am." He knew me so well!
"What happened?" He asked, clearly worried.
"Andrew, how do you know whether you are doing something wrong or right?"
"Oh, that's simple. You just have to think whether your actions are affecting you, your friends and family or anyone else, badly. If they are... it is the wrong thing to do."

It is the wrong thing to do, I muttered to myself. My parents would be devastated if they knew I had left for an unknown place to see a person who might be a stranger now. And my friends were already unhappy with the thought.

I called him that day. I told him that I wanted to meet him. But also that I had changed my mind.
"I wouldn't have come to the airport," he said, point-blank.
"Wh-what?" I asked. Did I know nothing at all? Wasn't he the same person I knew for four years and had dated for 15 months?

I don't really remember the rest of the conversation.

I just know that the next day, in the bus ride back home, which takes around two hours, I cried non stop. Because I felt sorry for myself, and because I knew it was time to get over him.

The next day mom and I got into a huge fight.

She didn't want me to meet Andrew's friends. And after a while I didn't know what to say to her. She was hurt as well.

I love Andrew, but he should have thought things through... I wasn't ok, and neither was anyone around me. He might have stood with me for a long time, but when he left... I wasn't the only one feeling betrayed.

I missed college that day, and went to the church. I sat there for hours, remembering each conversation, each date... and erasing them from my mind. It was time... time to let go. I prayed to God to give me strength. To keep Andrew and his family happy and content.

I had called Andrew from the church too. It could have been our 16th month anniversary that day, but instead it was the day I left our little world too.

He was busy, and asked me to take care, have fun. I started at my cell phone disbelievingly... didn't he know what had happened? Couldn't he understand the pain I was going through?

He always talked to me like I had done something bad, as if I were the one who left. As if I had hit him, tried to kill him or something. Didn't he think, for even one second, that he was literally my whole life, the time he walked out. After that it felt like I didn't have a life.

As I sat in the church I thought about how I had let my problem hurt others around me. I had to get better, if not for me, for them. For him, so that one day... maybe... I'll hear that laugh again... I'll see that smile again... meet our family, his family... again.