Hardened Heart - Chapter 1

This place holds shadows, too many to count. They loom over my day-to-day endeavors, relentlessly feeding on anguished memories. I have finally come to understand that there is no running. Experience has taught me that much. Facing them head on is out of the question. For now I live with the burdens of the past, some days restricting me as though I were shackled. I seek the peaceful solace of a hidden cove when it all becomes too much. For me it's an escape, a brief period in time when the world eludes me. As I get to the first batch of rocks providing the path to my haven, I feel relief begin to wash over me soothing me from the inside out. With each step I feel as though I can breathe again. It is here that my lungs fill with the sweetest air. My mind is free. Reaching my favorite spot, I am calm and once again collected. Closing my eyes I feel the kiss of the breeze on my face. The few stray hair, I failed to catch, caressed the sides of my face the breeze neglected. It is breath-taking, an endless view at natures finest.

Just as the grass dances as the wind tickles its tips, the sand rolls eager to follow. The waves crash towards the beach, each wave closer to the one in front of it than before as if racing to the finish line. The sky is painted brilliantly. It's as though the delicate hand of an artist had taken the time to perfect it with a serene water color effect. A hint of purple highlighted the variations of pink shades blending it into a master piece to behold. Looking at this, I wonder how the world has gotten the way it is. No one stops to take in the simple wonders anymore. It's in these wonders I feel I truly find myself. As the sun fades on the horizon I take in one last magical breath. Just that little time spent there I am far more grounded and at peace than I have been in a long time. The evening air is refreshing as I make my way back down the rocky path. The shadows are gone for now. A tranquil feeling is all that is left. It's a welcomed change, more so knowing that I am going to be spending time with friends tonight.

I have never really been a social butterfly, always staying to the outer rim of the event looking in. I talk to close friends. Politely meet new people here and there, nothing that would make me stand out or be a focus. A year ago my boyfriend of five years and I broke up. I am in not hurry to get back out on the market. My girlfriend Caydee continues to invite and or drag me to social gatherings and parties. "Overcome your fear of commitment," she tells me. "It's worth it... You need it." I need it alright, about as bad as I need a broken bone. She knows how I feel about it, but she insists. I can't honestly say I don't enjoy getting all dressed up and meeting new people. It's just more of a bother at times. Who gets all dolled up, heads out to get drunk and make a fool of themselves, and then looks forward to doing it again the next day? Caydee tells me "It's all part of the fun. Get loose and have a nice time." That and a hang over the next morning. That doesn't sound like a great time to me, but what do I know. So I go if nothing else but to appease her. No intention of meeting someone, just to have a good time, at each one of these affairs she ushers me to for the majority of them I do. Tonight will be the same as most are.

Standing in front of the mirror, I size myself up. Nice dark pair of skinny, light colored under tank, and an over shirt. My dark brown hair is pulled back in a pony, as usual, bangs brushed to one side left to do as they please. Which means they'll cover some of my face at some point in the night. Everything as I like it. *Well here we go again. Maybe tonight I'll meet someone who can hold a conversation.* With a shrug, as if to answer myself, I grab my purse and head out the door.

"You made it." Caydee runs at me as though she hadn't seen me in days. *Don't I always* I think to myself as I return her embrace. "So, what's on the agenda for tonight," I remark mockingly, "O, stop it, By the way the MM is very nice tonight." She snags my arm pulling me in and toward the crowd of people. 'MM' is our code for 'Man Meat'. An amusing way of saying 'there are hot guys', it fits better at clubs and bars than house parties. I will admit she was right about the men in here. They are better looking then the last place she carted me off to. The one I spoke to, there, had attempted to converse with me, but he seemed to fail at it the more he tipped his glass. There's nothing more attractive than a drunk that uses big words out of context. Just at the thought I can't help but chuckle to myself. Time before that it was the 'can hold a conversation but too touchy, feely guy'. You know the kind always has his hand on your arm or the small of your back as he talks, sometimes among other things. All the while you smile, wishing you had some object with a point.

That way you could get your point across. Safety pins do well, easy to conceal and funny when you prick them. They pull away thinking they were bit by an insect. You play along giggling inside, wondering how many times till he gets the point. For the few smart ones they catch on fast, but there are the ones that finally enough is enough. You grab your drink and in the sweetest way possible, more of an in your face sweet, you shoot him down and walk away. Every girl has met them some time in her life. Nah, tonight's bunch looks promising. If all else fails I always have my rescuer. You could say we use each other. If he has an annoying or ugly brood attached at his hip I come over with the save, just as he does for me. We spot each other and smile, rolling our eyes at our luck in being here. He, just like me, is not interested in getting out there. The occasional friendly flirt and humor is enough to satisfy us for now. We both know what it's like to be burned by allowing someone to close. No Alex and I are a pair we pity those with a lease. If we need a date, cuddle, or an ear to talk to pieces we call the other.

"Ok so, you can have your pick. I suggested the one in the corner he looks smart." She gestures at a decently tall fellow by the back door. Light brown hair, clean cut, and he doesn't look to far in the bottle. "Alright I'll go talk to him, BUT this is your one push for the night. I play it my way for the rest. Deal?!" She squishes her face in disapproval, but quickly gives in. "Fine, but you have to give it an honest go. A ten to fifteen minute conversation isn't an honest go..." Her trail off lets me know there's no other way to make the deal but to agree. "Fine... I'll give it sixteen." Teasing, I leave her and head to the makeshift bar. I'm going to need one in case he's a winner like so many others. I am pleased to see Michael is the bartender of the night. he is a decent looking guy and sweet, but not my type. He doesn't like drinking a lot though he makes a killer absolute stress. "Hey Cam. How's the night treating you?" "Fairly well, Caydee is at it again. You know her she's the match maker." Michael softly laughs at my stab. "So what will it be?" "Vodka cranberry.

Make sure it's cold anything warmer and it tastes like shit." My last comment brought a smart-alec expression to his face. "Of course it does, it's vodka." "Hey... just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's not someone elses' cup of tea." Taking a sip I gave him a smile. "You know, for someone who doesn't like vodka you make an ok vodka cranberry." With that I turned back to the man by the door. He looked like he was having a good time. My plan was to ask simple questions about him, answer very few about me, and make a clean exit. Simple enough in, out virtually painless. *Here goes nothing.* I took another sip of my drink as I started toward him. He was holding himself well, maybe had an important job one that would be interesting to hear about. I hadn't gotten very far when out the corner of my eye I noticed a pretty blonde with two drinks headed his direction. Slowing my pace just in case, that way I could make a turn like I meant to do it if needed. Smart choice to, she was with him. Yes thank goodness for that. No awkward conversation starter.

"Awww to bad. I'm sure he would have loved you." Alex always had a way of making me glad when things didn't go as Caydee would have liked. "Yeah... I truly lost out," shooting back my half-hearted sarcastic reply. I turned around to face him and as always this six foot something figure of a guy was waiting to look me in the face. He was the kind of guy that looked well-defined in a shirt, but you preferred him without one. Add that to his dirty blonde hair and green eyes. Yeah. Fabio eat your heart out. "You know Cam one day you're going to think different. One day there's going to be some guy and he's going to have you drooling." "Fat chance, I have seen my future and I like it. Me in a grand house, pool, hot tub, exercise room, and all. Best part... No really the absolute best part... No cats. I am going to be a happy single old lady with everything she has worked hard to earn. That my friend is my wonderful future." We both couldn't help but laugh at that. "Yeah that sounds about right. Not me though.

One day, no time soon mind you, I am going to find the one. But I have plenty of time. And so do you. There is someone out there for everyone." I scrunched my nose at him in a goofy distaste. "If I didn't know any better Alex I'd say you, deep down bought into all this love smoochy-smoochy stuff." Rolling his eyes he took a sip from his glass. "Yeah I'm so into it I think I'll go find me someone right now. I can't stand not having someone to hold. I'm getting so depressed thinking about it. I have no one Cam please hold me..." Over the last few words he had wrapped his arms around me. Holding on lightly rocking back and forth. I laughed do hard I almost spilled my drink.

What nuts I had for friends. One trying to hook me up Just to have the satisfaction of saying she broke me out my shell. The other a goofy, comic relief that knew just what to say to get me out of ice princess charade.

Spinning around, I grabbed hold of him. "Yes you poor, poor thing. There, there you'll find her and the both of you can be miserable together." No sooner than I finished he turned me loose and laughed. "You say that now, but one day Cam you're going to be just like those people you make fun of. Then someone else is going to make fun of you." "Why do you insist on cursing me? What have I ever done to you?" Hugging my neck and trying to hold his laughter in, "Nothing my dear, nothing. So where did Caydee run off to?" "Not sure. She made a deal with me, that blond released me from and went off that way." "Lucky you." "Yeah, well hey I'm tired. I'm going to go home." "Alright hun, drive careful." "I will." I gave him a quick hug and headed on my way.

Driving home my thoughts drowned out the radio. Alex still hopes for love. He still hopes that one day she will come into his life, someone to warm his heart and make his existence have meaning. I believed in that once. I believed he was out there too, the man that would give me that. *Staring into his eyes he arose a feeling deep inside. Not knowing where it came from I embraced it, savoring the pure raw emotion. Tasting the feeling as though it were on my tongue, it burned through my being. Sending my body into a frenzy of endless pain and desire. He can do all this without a touch. Closing my eyes I drink it in, thirsting for more, never satisfied. Opening them his nearness pushed me into overload. His eyes pierced into my soul. With feelings already running ramped causing physical symptoms, there was a strange sense of some calm presence devoid of any angst. So many emotions physical and not, I was trapped by him. By his mere existence I thrived.* The dream is so vivid, that for so many years I wanted it to come true, to be true. Reality crashed down on me like a ton. There was no man of my dreams out there. No eyes that with a glance could make my knees weak and heart skip a beat, feeling as though for a brief moment it had stopped.

Reaching my front door a tear ran down my cheek. Opening it and peering inside I embraced the truth. I could no longer deny to anyone or myself no matter how I fought it. No one could love someone like me. There was no hope. The sayings 'dead amongst the living', 'breathing but not truly alive', and 'a shell of my former self' each one hit my mind and rang too true. For when it came to love and the possibility of love that was how I felt. I am inept to the concept. To feel you have lost the ability to love, to give or receive it in any way is the emptiest and most hollow feeling one could experience. I have quit hoping. I finally came to expect it. My new self awareness gave me a sense of dread and strength, gratitude and hatred, a new understanding of life, and the knowledge that I was finally coming to terms with the past. But is it a constructive acknowledgment or a submissive.

Crawling into bed, I snuggled deep in my covers. Knowing two things were certain either I was right, if so I wish I had come to this point sooner. Or maybe, just maybe by some miracle there was someone out there who could thaw and mend my frozen, hardened heart. My eyes moist from crying and beginning to burn I nodded off. Uncertain of my dreams, but welcoming the chance to rest.