Goodbye to You

It's bad when something doesn't hurt you till years later. By then things have come to you in that visible southern philosophy. The Southern philosophy in the small town of Center, AL is: get married by the time you are twenty-three, have two kids by twenty-five, and be a stay-at-home mom. Well that wasn't my philosophy and never has been. I was married at twenty-five for the third time and I had a child at twenty-six. But something happened between all that.

To begin with how my addiction came to be, I'll start off when I was sixteen. A lot of people do not know this about me. I suppose some do not care. I met a boy by the name of CJ. I won't go into his real name because that wouldn't be fair to him. I'm not trying to protect him, just his name. I have forgiven him by now and that's how I want it. Well I had a party at my friend's house in the town over from Center. I let him take me of course. We stayed for a little bit and then left. By the time I had gotten ready to leave, CJ turned to me and told me to take a drink with me because he didn't feel like stopping between Center and Piedmont.

I took a sip of my Sprite every now and then and continued to sit back in the seat and listen to the classical music being played on the stereo. I began to get dizzy by the time we hit the outskirts of Ellis, a community near Center. CJ turned off the car and I blacked out. When I came awake I was in the back of the Blazer with my pants down and I felt dirty. I asked CJ what happened and he told me nothing, just what I wanted to happen. I went home and spoke to no one. I went into my room, gathered up some clothes, and told my mother I was going to take a shower.

I went to school the next day and told CJ I knew what happened, that he had raped me. I put two and two together to come up with the idea. I felt like it was my fault and blamed it on myself. He said it was my fault that he had gotten out of control and told me not to tell anyone or he would deny it. And I kept it to myself of course. I told no one for years after that. Something that you keep to yourself that long can lead to anger and frustration. It learns you to trust no one.

It's the way I've always been since then too. I began to cut, finding relief in making small incisions across my skin. Everything that happened in my life from then on, was my fault. Not that it really was, it was I just had the problem of blaming something and everything on myself. I thought people would look down on me for certain things. Well it happened that way over the years. Through my first marriage and then my second. Then I met Jon. He was a member of a rock band. He was everything I had dreamed of.

I am a musician myself and meeting him was a godsend, or so I thought. Jon was an addict in more ways than one. He drank, smoked, cussed, popped pills, cut, and I thought it was ok at the time to do all that. When you've been taught that all those evil things, are actually alright, what else do you do? I found a way out of life by being with Jon, cursing,drinking, cutting, and popping pills. My main drug was pain pills called Lortabs.

Sometimes I would take two of those and drink a half container of Vodka before passing out. It was my way of coping with the past and with things that went on in everyday life. I hated life until one day I looked at myself in the mirror. Too by this time I did something called roleplaying on myspace. It was one of my getaways from life. On there I had met a guy named Nathan. Nathan helped me cope with being an addict and told me flat-out I had a problem. Of course for a while, I denied things and continued with my way of life.

At the time I didn't know God or anything about him. I knew about Christians but I didn't want to be one. To me, they were all too hypocritical. But one night after cutting and sitting on the floor of the bathroom till blood ran down my arms and legs and lay at a pool at my feet, Nate talked to me. He told me I didn't need to do this to myself. He told me to look in the mirror at myself and see who I really was. See beyond the girl I had become. So I did.

After looking in the mirror, I threw the whiskey and vodka bottles away. I flushed my remaining pain pills down the toilet and found God. I will tell you one thing. I was Pagan until this point. When Jon and I were together I did a spell. I took all Jon's pain and made it my own. Do I believe in the paranormal? If I didn't, I did after this. After I had done the spell, I began the drinking and such. I cut again more so than I ever had. I was in pain with life. Then one day I couldn't take it anymore.

I was in my bedroom and couldn't take my way of life any longer. I got up, looked at myself in the mirror and prayed to God for him to deliver me from the evil that was plaguing my life. God was there and heard my pleas and prayers. Life began to get better. I got help for my problems. Nate and I dated for a while. Life was becoming better and I was on the road to recovery. I went to church after that and this made Jon mad. He stalked my every move, called me everyday, and even threatened Nathan.

Nate ignored him and life continued on till January of 2008. One evening I was on my way out the door to go to church when Jon came on my instant messenger. He started cursing and telling me I was going to stay with him and talk. I told him no. He continued to try to persuade me. I said a small prayer for God to give me the strength to leave. Normally I would have stayed and talked to him but somehow I remember this conversation on the screen:

J: You won't go.

S: Yes I will.

J: No you won't! You ARE to stay right here with me and talk to me. We need to work things out Stacey.

S: No you need to learn who God is. You should be in church with me.

J: Fuck God, and Fuck church! Don't go! Stay!!!!

S: No. I'm going.

J: No you aren't.

S: Watch me!

With that I got up from the computer and left. I took my Bible and left. I never looked back and I remembered the saying as I went to church. My Sunday school teacher Mrs Coogler once told me when I was fourteen if I would actually say the words, 'Get behind me Satan...' when I was tempted it would work. I had done that. I felt victorious and things in my life would change. And things did. I met a guy in from high school and we began to date.

He was a good Christian guy and funny. We married one month later and then I got pregnant with my daughter Samantha. He and she, are my everything. That's how I said goodbye to my old habits and addictions. It's how I said goodbye to Jon...