The Good Old Days: Taking dating lessons from our forbearers

Living in a college town where the mean age of the residents is approximately 23, it is inevitable that the subject of dating and marriage frequents, if not dominates, nearly every conversation. If we aren’t lamenting about the lack of good, quality men available, and the utter ridiculousness of modern dating habits, we are receiving another wedding invitation in the mail and left to thoughtfully examine the newly engaged couples’ faces and wonder: How is that they managed to survive the singles scene? What was/is their secret? How did dating help them find each other? How (and when) on earth am I ever to make my departure from this dating game? Truth be told, I have come to my breaking point. I am inching toward it the edge, ready to fall over into the black abyss only to forever loiter in the dreariness of my imposed single-hood. While I am happy with who I am and have a relatively good, healthy self-image, I am choking and suffocating as I attempt to understand and master the dating came; to devise a tactical approach to beating the system and thus find my eternal companion where, at long last, I will no longer have to attempt to understand societal pressures forced upon us by the media and by modernity. I have my own ideas of what I want in a spouse, without popular culture spoon feeding me what the so-called social norms are for proper, acceptable dating and courtship. Frankly, I rather take a few lessons from the past in order to determine what works best for me, and my situation; taking into account my personal beliefs about mature dating, love and happiness, and real love, as opposed to folding under the inundation Hollywood so freely and liberally exports. After all, history is our greatest tutor.

In a society that believed in Gods such as the Goddess Aphrodite of Love; mother of Cupid, courtship was viewed by ancient Greeks as a means of finding a person to marry. Men pursued women they found sincere, compatible, and likewise desired a long-term, committed monogamous relationship. Marriage was about love and happiness. Hence, the word agape and the word "Eros" were coined. Eros, referring to a man’s carnal nature (or lust) and the word agape meaning spiritual love (or "real love"). While the ancient Greeks, as well as the Romans, held to this belief, unfortunately, many other countries did not. It was not uncommon that marriage occurred by capture. A man would survey a village in pursuit of a wife, and after picking her out would either he himself, or a group of summoned warriors, would kidnap the future bride from her home. After which, the bridegroom would take his new bride go into hiding. This period of seclusion usually lasted until the wife became pregnant or it was sure that the couple was "safe" from the pursuit of concerned parents inquiring about the location of their missing daughter. By the time, the couple was found, if found, the marriage would have already been consummated as evident by pregnancy. Needless to say, it is fortunate that dating and courtship rituals are no longer based on capture or force. In the modern day scene, men have other means of finding a spouse. It is called dating.

Incidentally, many of the traditions we come to associate with dating actually come from the medieval period. The Dark Ages, they may have been, but the idea of chivalry—men opening a door for a lady, the man buying the woman dinner, men being the one to make the first move by "calling on" the lady and planning each outing—came from this time period. Such practices primarily stemmed from an increased distaste for arranged marriages, which up until then were common if not prevalent. In attempts to protest against tradition, men would woo their intendeds with serenades, poetry, letters (marriage proposals were, in fact, often written). Today, it is rare to see men publicly pining for women through flowery sonnets and poetry, but men, typically, are still seen presenting tokens of affection whether it is buying flowers, candy, or jewelry. And it is noteworthy to mention that the idea of exchanging phone numbers came from the Victorian era, when men, finding a woman of interest, would give his card to her (or her friend to pass along). To which, the lady would respond, if interested, by giving him her card in return which was a sure sign that he, indeed, could call upon her. We perform the same sort of ritual in our day. It is called "getting their digits." (No quite as romantic or elegant, if you ask me; however, the concept is the same nevertheless).

That said; let us examine dating habits and practices in American history. Still a relatively new country struggling to break free from England and declare our independence, early American settlers were few in numbers. In attempts to establish ourselves, and populate the colonists (to compensate for the shortage of people in relative comparison to the workload), men were pressured, even harassed, to take a young woman to wed and immediately start families. Romantic love had little to do with marriages that occurred during the early part of American history; rather men pursued brides out of practicality; necessity and survival. And dating? Dating consisted of a man calling the parents of a young lady, whereupon the parents would schedule (chaperoned) meetings for the couple to meet and [very quickly] marry. Men faced overwhelming scrutiny and belittlement if they were not actively pursuing marriage, for such men were seen as shirking their duties as the principle provider and supporter of a family.

It was not until the early 1900s when dating was primarily based on romantic love and marriage was seen as a means for men and women, who sincerely cared for each other, could strengthen and deepen their relationship through affection, intimacy, unity, and interdependence. Interestingly enough, this is the time when formal engagements were announced and the exchanging of rings became increasingly popular.

Conversely, dating practices here in the United States have dramatically changed over the past 200 years. From speed dating, to blind dates, to group dates, to singles dances, to online dating, there are myriad options available to us as we journey on our quest for love and happiness. While many of the dating rituals of yesteryear may seem astonishing, if not barbaric, the examples of our forbearers reveal to us the importance of our traditions - Many of which, in one form or another, still thread the fabric of our current societal practices and views. The lessons they teach also provide us with increased understanding, and thereby greater freedom and choice when it comes to finding our one true eternal real love. (Perhaps, dating practices and ideals, today, aren’t so odd and torturous, when all things considered! I ought to consider myself fortunate I live in 2006 A.D. and not 2006 B.C.)

Author Bio: Danielle White is a client account specialist for 10x Marketing, which represents Heavenly Matched. Heavenly Matched.com is the premiere site for online dating providing you with the keys and tool for mature dating; helping you find real love and thereby achieve lifelong love and happiness.