Gone With...

I was going back home from work by bus. It was a normal day, like everyday. I knew that no one was waiting for me and no one was coming in the evening. What’s new? I’ve been alone most of my life.

My parents were so strict. I was not allowed to watch TV which was in my father’s study and I was not allowed to use the telephone. I was not allowed to have friends. I actually never had an intimate relationship with anyone. I never went to a school trip or camping. I was not allowed to read anything except what my parents approved. I was not allowed to have a life of my own.

I was bullied at school and couldn’t stand up for myself because I was so naïve and vulnerable. I was extremely shy and my attitude attracted victimizers to me. Now, I’m forty years old and single. I never had any kind of relationship with any man whatsoever. No man approached me or even tried. I never felt wanted. Sometimes I touch myself in front of the mirror to make sure that I’m really there and not invisible.

My parents died in car accident fifteen years ago. Honestly, I was very happy. My heart was dancing from joy in the funeral. I was free at last. My tormentors had gone forever and will never come back. I went home after the funeral surrounded by people gazing at me sympathetically. All of a sudden everybody was gone and I was utterly alone. Surprisingly, I felt lost and confused. I was like the nation which was ruled by a dictator for a very long time and after he was gone, they couldn’t practice the freedom as they got used to bondage. I was so insecure although I was longing for freedom.

I went to my father’s study. I was never allowed to enter it in his life, now he’s not alive to stop me. I walked in like a victorious king who conquered a new territory. There was a desk, a computer and a TV and large number of videos and DVD’s. I sat in front of the computer, pressed the power button and waited for it to load. The desktop background was a naked woman with a dog collar around her neck. I was taken aback for a moment by what I saw. I never saw a naked body before and I even avoid looking at mine. I began an exploration journey through the files and folders. Click. Click. Click. Pornographic pictures, movies and clips everywhere. I was shocked and disgusted by what I saw. I puked and after few hours I went to watch again, with pleasure this time. Hours and hours and hours I spent watching the pornographic movies. Soon after, I turned to a pornographic addict. They took control of me.

A blonde man came and sat next to me in the bus. He looked at me with a flashing smile while he sat down. My cheeks turned pink and I felt my temperature going high. His deep grey blue eyes gave him fatal charms. He was wearing a sleek black jacket and blue jeans.

"Do you know that you are very beautiful?" he said. I was tongue tied and couldn’t speak. It was the first time in my life a man approaches me and says sweet words. My heart was pounding. I looked at his hypnotizing eyes and lost my sense of the world around me. I slipped my fingers in his hands. He tightened his fingers on mine and squeezed my hands in reassurance. That was good and very very sweet. I felt wanted. I felt safe for the first time in my life. I wanted him beside me forever.

"Come closer, closer." he whispered and kissed me one long very romantic kiss. A kiss I waited all my life to have.

"I have to go now." he said after our lips were parted.

"No, please stay." I said in a begging tone.

He put a folded piece of paper in my hand and whispered "that’s my number" and vanished. My heart was filled with great joy. At last the man I was waiting for came. At last, I will have a life.

I reached home, opened my bag to get the keys. I felt that the bag was lighter than usual. I looked inside it to check. To my horror, the keys only were lying there at the bottom. Everything else was gone. I smoothed out the piece of paper with shaking hands and it was a white, empty piece of paper.