Funny Short Sayings

Everyone likes a good laugh, so here are a few funny short sayings, handpicked to tickle your funny bone.

• 'Money talks…but all mine ever says is goodbye!'
  Anonymous

• 'The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.'
  Abe Lemons

• 'A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.'
  Burt Bacharach

• 'I'm in shape ... round's a shape, isn't it?'
  Anonymous

• 'He who laughs last didn't get it.'
  Helen Giangregorio

• 'I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?'
  Anonymous

• 'All power corrupts, but we need electricity.'
  Haythum R. Khalid

• 'If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.'
  Anonymous

• 'A gas station is a place where you sometimes fill the car, but more often drain the kids.'
  Anonymous

• 'He's got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed.'
  Leopold Fechtner

• 'If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.'
  Sam Levenson

• 'Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.'
  Anonymous

• 'Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.'
  Finley Peter Dunne

• 'I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.'
  Johathan Raban

• 'Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.'
  Jim Davis

• 'The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.'
  Franklin P. Jones

• 'A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.'
  Anonymous

• 'When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.'
  Gracie Allen

• 'Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time.'
  Anonymous

• 'I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.'
  Anonymous

• 'You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.'
  Anonymous