Funny Random Quotes

If you have a life which is too loaded with responsibilities and too busy to inculcate programs to de-stress your mind and body, then you are far, far away from leading a happy and healthy life! I am kidding! Simply, laugh out loud whenever you get an opportunity! Laughing is truly, the best medicine for the soul. It is prominently apparent that people who laugh like crazy, have stronger immune system, are more energetic and suffer less from pain and the damaging effects of stress. Not only does laughter trigger health physical changes in the body, it binds people together and increases happiness and joy. Above all, this magical medicine is completely 'Free' and requires the easiest of methods to be harnessed.

Funny Random Sayings

"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials." - Ronald Knox

"When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!"
- Unknown

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
- Albert Einstein

"If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum."
- George Muncaster

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils " - Louis Hector Berlioz

"There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart." - Melanie Griffith

"Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off." - Ralph Bus.

"Always remember that true beauty comes from within - from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes." - Peter's Almanac

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." - Robert Orben

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers". - Homer Simpson

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
- Lily Tomlin

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- A. Whitney Brown

"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal - You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done." Homer Simpson

"Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the backyard without the neighbors seeing." - Sean Williamson

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse." Unknown

"Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head." Carol Burnett

"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure."- Murphy's Law

"If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side." - Unknown

"On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key." - Unknown

"In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out." - Joey Adams

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told, I am with you kid. Let's go!" - Maya Angelou

"In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular." - Kathy Norris

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." - Fred Allen

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia." - Charles Schulz

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." - Bill Watterson

"Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad." - P.D. East

Some More Quotes
I thought the above quotes are enough to make you drunk with laughter! But then, I thought again, why not give you a hangover. Here are some more funny quotes from my favorite, 'Homer Simpson'.

"I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES."

"Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own."

"Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?"

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."

"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

"Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!" (looking at Uruguay on the globe).

"If God is so smart, how come he is dead!"

"I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb."

"I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!"

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

"Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!"

"Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?"

"Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them."

"I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four."

"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."

"All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one!"

Well, that would be it for some funny random quotes which I have for you for now. When you have exhausted this dose of laughter, you can drop in and get some more of this medicine. Before I sign off, try solving this puzzle..."Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"
- Lily Tomlin.