Funny Monologues for Women

You, you and you! All of you looking for monologues. But, not just any monologues, you are looking for funny monologues for women. Well, here I am with them, what were your other two wishes? So check out the Top 5 funny monologues for women below and choose whichever ones you prefer.

Funny Monologues for Women # 1
This first one is hilarious but you need to make sure that you carry out the right expressions with it as well. It is from "Cinderella in New York", of the "fairy Godmother" who is actually a wise old homeless woman.
"Now what’s that sound creeping into my old ears? Ah, it’s just as I feared, a sound this old gal has heard all too often, knows all too well, in fact. Ain’t nothing quite like the lonesome wish of a young, helpless heart. Child, you got a look on your face like you spent the whole day crying tears the size of huckleberries. Am I right? You look like a girl who is crock-full of dreams, and all of them have gotten squished one way or another. And now you, you just don’t know what to do. Yes, indeedy, child, I’ve been watching out for you, little Cinderella Fitzgerald, and why you ask? Well, think of me as your fairy godmother, but without all that magic and witch-craft. I don’t need a crystal ball to know that all of your trouble starts with the phrase, "I met a boy." Well, honey, your story is older than the pyramids."
When enacting this monologue, make sure you have a slight southern dialect.

Funny Monologues for Women # 2
Well, this next one is hilarious as well. More so, expression is the key. It is from a play called "Promedy", delivered by a bookish 17 year old, Beatrix.
"That’s not true. Young women need the Prom. It’s a rite of passage as sacred as getting your driver’s license or buying your first bra. There are only a few things in life that are guaranteed to be glorious and memorable and sparkling with gowns and cummerbunds. Prom is the quintessential teenage experience. Think of the unlucky grown-ups and the elderly who lament the day they decided not to go to the Prom. It is a key ingredient to a happy and meaningful life. Prom is short for Promenade, a slow, gentle walk through a shady glen, and this beloved ceremony symbolizes our journey from the shadows of adolescence to the bright sunshine of the adult world with all its freedoms. And it may be the only chance I’ll ever have to dance with a boy. Maybe I’ll never have someone get down on their knee and offer me a diamond ring. Maybe I’ll never walk down the aisle with a smug look of bridal triumph. But it is my right, and the right of every plain, frumpy, book-wormish, soon-to-be librarian, to have one night of Cinderella magic. Even if we have to go with our cousin, or our gay best friend from tap class, we will have a Prom. And you will help me."
One thing, this monologue can be funny but only if you make it. You need to be crafty while delivering it!

Funny Monologues for Women # 3
This one is funny but in a subtle way. It is from a play called "Tomorrow's Wish" about a teenager telling her cousin of her first and only kiss.
"I kissed a boy once. At least I tried. I don’t know if it counts if they don’t kiss back. But I tried to kiss a boy and it almost worked. Most of the time Grandma and I don’t get to see folks much, but we go into town. Sometimes. And Grandma says I just have to be careful to mind my manners, and Grandma says I’m real good at being careful, but sometimes I get so bored in that little town. Only one video store. Only two churches. And the park only has two swings and a pool that never gets filled up anymore. But in our little town there is a boy named Samuel. He's a bag-boy at the grocery store. He does it just right and never squishes the eggs. And he has red hair and green eyes. And… (Laughs at the memory.) freckles all over his face! And Samuel is so nice. So nice to me and Gram. He would always smile and always say "thank you" and "your welcome." If he says, "Have a nice day," then you do. That’s how good he is at his job. And I always wanted… I always wanted to be close to him or to talk to him, without Gram around. And one day when Grandma had a really bad cold I got to go to the store all by myself. And I bought some oyster crackers and some medicine. Then I got to watch Samuel all by myself. Watch him do his bag boy job. I just stared and stared, trying to count all of those handsome freckles. Then, he asked if there was anything else I wanted. I just whispered "Yes." (Pauses, closes eyes in remembrance.) And then I grabbed him by the ears and MmmmmmmMM! (Pretends she’s grabbing and kissing him.) That was my first kiss. It was the most romantic
moment of my life. Until the manager pulled me off of him."
Be as expressive as possible while delivering this monologue. More so, don't over-express, it could be disastrous.

Funny Monologues for Women # 4
This one is a hilarious rendition of how the operator of Neverland 911 deals with "emergency situations".
"Neverland 911, what’s the emergency? You are being kidnapped by pirates? Can you be more specific? Which pirate is kidnapping you? Well, if he’s limping on a peg-leg then it’s probably Long John Silver, but if he has a hook then it’s probably Captain—oh- He’s got a hook and a pegleg? Oh dear. Please hold. Neverland 911, what’s the emergency? Being harassed by mermaids? How dreadful. Please hold. Neverland 911, how can I help you? Trapped in Skull Cave? The tide is coming in? Oh my! Please hold. Neverland 911, what’s your problem? Your rowboat’s falling apart? And you’re being attacked by a tick-tocking crocodile? Oh you poor dear! Please hold. Neverland 911—Hey Thumbelina! How you doin’ girl? He did?! Why, you need to dump that Tom Thumb. Uh-huh? Uh-huh? No, I’m not busy. You tell me all about it!"
Well, I am sure no woman would have a problem enacting this one. So, be as feminine as you can with this one.

Funny Monologues for Women # 5
This one is the last, but definitely, not the least. Its of a snooty librarian, who is ambitious, hates fairy tales and plans to rearrange the library.
"Young man, I am very busy. Would you please take your gawking eyes and your bubble-gum belabored jaws elsewhere? When you return next week, you’ll find some significant changes have been made. As the new librarian, I have been placed in charge of reorganization and redistribution. And in the process I am removing a few unnecessary novels. Too much fantasy and folly can spoil a child’s mind. This library needs more science and less Dr. Seuss. More history and less Hogwarts. Children need academics and not adventures. One doesn’t get into a university by studying unicorns. Take this one for example. "Treasure Island!" It’s a loathsome tale of filthy dirty pirates. Certainly not a book for respectable students. And what about this one? "James and the Giant Peach"? Preposterous. Even with modern agricultural techniques, fruit simply cannot grow to that extreme size. Silly, silly stuff. Guaranteed to warp young minds. Now shoo!"
For this one, make sure that the utter disgust for fairy tales is visible while you deliver. More so, don't forget to keep the high class, etiquette-centric and smart look on the face and in the body language at all points of time!

Anyways, this is where I sign off! I delivered my promise, so now you have 5 of the best funny monologues for women with you. Take your pick and have a nice monologue!