Flicker of Hope- chapter 16

Emily had made herself busy in the internet searching for work. Ever since she had confessed her feelings to him, he had slept outside, on the couch. She had regretted screaming at him the way she did, but she couldn’t even apologize to him. He hadn’t said a single thing to her when she had screamed at him. She had said some things she hadn’t meant, and she felt very guilty.

This was the perfect way to win his heart, she though sarcastically.

She had ruined what little they had left, and she was willing to do anything to go back and take back what she had said to him. It was plain mean and wrong. She had hurt the person she had truly loved.

He had been even more distant, making her feel worse for what she had done.

It had been more than a week since they had last talked. She had continued looking for a job, and by the end of the week, she had found a perfect job at the coffee shop. The good part was that it was very near from the apartment. Even though the salary wasn’t much, she wanted to take the job. It wasn’t just about money since John had filled her account with enormous cash to last her a lifetime and more. But it wasn’t just about money, she just needed a job. She couldn’t just sit at the apartment, doing nothing, especially when Tanner didn’t even look at her. She felt almost invisible.

It was morning, and she had dressed herself in a khaki pant, and a well fitting red blouse. She had hoped that Tanner would notice her, but he only glanced at her once, and looked away.

He had made two sandwiches for breakfast, and he was eating one of them very quietly. The other one was for her; there was no question about that. Ever since the day she had screamed at him, he had made breakfast for them, and she had always prepared the dinner. She usually ate lunch alone since Tanner had work but she made sure that they ate together since there was always a possibility that Tanner will finally talk to her.

Tanner finished his sandwich quietly, and threw the wrapper in the garbage. When he was half way through the door, he paused. She was watching him like she always did. Before their marriage, she had thought that husband kissed their wife before going to work, but their case was different in so many ways. It wasn’t that he hadn’t kissed her before; it was just that he hadn’t said anything to her after that awful day.

She waited for him to say something. Say you love me Tanner……. She shook those thoughts away. They were impossible, and maybe it was impossible for someone to love her, she thought. All those thought insecurities flashed back at her. Was I that difficult? Maybe there just wasn’t supposed to be love in my life. How could there be love in store for me when I didn’t even deserve it?

Please prove me wrong Tanner. Talk to me. Say you love me.

"I….." He looked uneasy. "I am not coming for dinner tonight. I will be late. You don’t have to wait for me. Just eat." He started walking away not meeting her gaze.

He might as well have slapped her. Dinner was the only time they were really together, and there was always the possibility that everything will be alright, but he was ruining it all. He couldn’t do this. Does he hate me so much? She thought. I don’t even do anything to him. I am giving him the space that he needs and he can’t do this to me!

She quickly walked towards him, and grabbed his arm, making him turn his head towards her.

"You can’t do that. If you don’t like sitting opposite me, at least just come for dinner. I promise I won’t even sit opposite you at the table." She looked down, hoping that he wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes.

"Its not you! Stop blaming yourself! It’s my entire fault! Don’t make this harder for both of us. I am not supposed to love you! When will you get that in the thick head of yours?" He hadn’t realized he was this mad at her. How could he explain it to her that all those times seeing her, and not talking to her was killing him. And if he did talk to her, it was going to be impossible to keep distance between them. He was falling for her- hard and fast, and he had to stop himself before things got out of control. Maybe showing his anger was the only way to make her hate him. He didn’t deserve her. She was just so innocent, and he didn’t want to hurt her with love. Love hurt, and it was hurting them both.

This time she didn’t bother to stop her tears. A tear slid from her cheek, and she quickly wiped it away. "I am sorry Tanner. I shouldn’t have said all those things to you. I promise it would never happen. I will do as you tell me, but please don’t leave me." She wiped the tears roughly with her fingers.

Seeing her tears, and knowing that it was all because of him- dropped his resolve.

"Emily, please don’t cry," his voice was soft, and Emily looked up to meet his eyes. "I am sorry that I am acting like such a jerk. I really don’t deserve you. You are just too good for me. You shouldn’t love me." He was whispering without even realizing it.

"Please don’t say that!" She put her fingers into his lips to stop what he was about to say.

He looked at her, as if seeing her for the first time. He hadn’t paid attention to the way she looked at him, and now he knew. The tenderness, love in her eyes was directed towards him. She loved him.

He hadn’t realized how much he had wanted someone to love him. In the years after being away from Angel, he had never felt someone loved him, and that was probably the reason why love meant so much to him. And this beautiful, sincere woman who was standing in front of him, who couldn’t see him sad and only wanted to make him happy, was his wife, and the only woman who loved him despite his faults.

His heart filled with something strange and pleasant for her. She had come to mean so much to him, and he gazed at her in a way he had never done before.

He kissed her fingers, and when she tried to move away, he pulled her close, and held her to his chest. "I am sorry. Please forgive me for behaving the way I did." He whispered, and he could feel her stiffen in his arms. He slowly pulled away from her, and watched her as another tear slid from her cheek.

He kissed the tear from her eyes, and she stopped crying. Even after he had kissed her tear, he kept kissing her cheek softly, and warmly. He kept lingering there, and kissed her tenderly and………… lovingly? She couldn’t believe the way she was feeling. She raised her face, letting him kiss her jaw, and her neck. She gasped as he kissed her skin below her neck, and slid his hand under her blouse.

I love you Tanner. I love you so much.

He kept touching her soft skin, and giving her tender, sweet kisses everywhere. He lifted her face, and kissed her softly on the lips. She pulled him close to deepen the kiss, and lingered into the feel of his lips.

He slowly pulled away, leaving them both breathless. She could only gasp for air as his lips came crashing down at her again, kissing her more deeply. The kiss itself spoke the things they were not able to say to each other.

Tanner pulled away for the second time, and whispered breathlessly. "I should go now or I am going to be very late." Even as he said this, he didn’t pull away from her completely. His arms were still wrapped securely around her.

"Yes, you should. You are getting late," she whispered, her voice sounding strange even to herself. This was the voice of a woman when she was in love with a man, she smiled with her heart warm, and filling complete. And she mentally corrected herself, a wife in love with her husband.

This person in front of her was her husband, the only one that was made for her. She didn’t want anyone other than him. This was the feeling that felt right, true, and lasting. This was how it was ought to be even from the very beginning.

Her expression changed, and she wasn’t willing to leave him. "No, don’t leave me." Suddenly she was afraid of loosing him. She felt herself need him now more than ever before. "I love you so much, and I need you. I don’t think I can even stay away from you, not even for a minute. Please don’t go, don’t-" He stopped her with his lips. She pulled him closer and kissed him hungrily, desperately. Passion matched for passion. They both lingered into each other as if they hadn’t seen each other in ages. The intensity of the kiss was more than they could both take in. They were both desperate with need and desire. It was nothing like the way they had ever felt before. The need hung in the air, and there was nothing more than each other that they wanted.

Tanner was kissing her everyway, giving her pleasures in all the places she had thought weren’t possible. He made her feel beautiful, cherished, and loved. Even if he didn’t love her, she could pretend that he loved her. It was so easy to pretend that he loved her, especially when he was kissing her like that. She stopped, and Tanner could feel her freeze.

He hesitantly pulled away. He had loved the feel of her soft skin, and he loved kissing her. Nothing he had ever experienced had felt so right, and good. He couldn’t imagine anything about her that he didn’t like. She was filling his senses, and he was completely into her. He had no idea how far it would have gone if she hadn’t stopped him. He couldn’t think straight when it came to her. Truth be told, he couldn’t think at all when he was kissing her, and when she was responding to him like that. He couldn’t understand what she was doing to him.

He stooped himself short, and realized what had just happened.

He had lost this game, and she had wined it all. At that moment he realized that he had lost everything he had to this woman, but he wasn’t going to let her win this easily, at least not without a fight.