Feelings and History

Love.
That's what you two 'ad.
At least that's what I'm readin' in these pages before me.
I've never 'ad these strong of feelin's.
I've never received these strong of feelin's.
Maybe I never will.
But you 'ave.
Both of ya.
There's so much hist'ry an' soul written in these pages,
The red ink of the page is the blood o' his heart.
Screamin' the contrast o' colors,
An' o 'feelin's.
The red ink on the page burns fire red,
Even though the feelin's 'ave turned blue.
The two-a you will never be rid o' each other.
Ya've built feelin's an' a hist'ry that'll always be with ya.

Y'all started in high school.
He loved that ya made him work for you.
He loved that it took two months to get that first kiss.
Y'all had a lot o' your first together.
Dances.
Datin'.
An' later on ya had more firsts.
Ya broke up with him a couple o' times.
It was high school.
The reasons would prob'ly make y'all laugh nowadays.
Second time really hurt him.
Ya got a new boy.
He got a new girl.
It just wasn't the same,
Was it?
Not the same as it was with him?
It wasn't for him and her.
It was nothin' with them.
The two-a you got back together.
'Cause you'd already built feelin's an' a hist'ry that'll always be with ya.

So now there was passion,
So much passion.
There'd never been anythin' like this between the two-a you before.
He still remembers what ya told him.
"It isn't luck,
It's fate."
Ya had him go on a scavenger hunt through his neighborhood,
All to find a mix CD.
Ya called it "Our Journey."
He cried when he listened to it.
'Cause that journey had already built feelin's an' a hist'ry that'll always be with ya.

Summer came an' went after ya senior year.
Ya'd lost ya drive for softball.
An' watchin' ya give up on somethin' ya loved,
Made him lose his drive for basketball.
Y'all went to college.
Started off great.
Bein' his roommate,
We hardly ever saw him first term.
He was always at your room.
Most the time we just assumed he was gone.
Ya seemed to really care for each other.
'Cause ya had built those feelin's an' history that'll always be with ya.

Somethin' changed over ya Freshman year.
Ya had a sudden int'rest in bowling,
An' with it an int'rest in drinkin'.
The older bowlin' guys were there for both int'rests.
At first ya really loved it.
He was supportive.
But then those bowlin' guys came in,
An' took a special int'rest in you,
Out of the entire girl's team.
You're a nice girl.
So obviously you were friendly.
He trusted ya to be 'round these guys.
Then they'd buy ya drinks,
In a public place.
Ya'd drink it,
Whether out o' desire to drink or to not be rude,
I can't be sure which.
Ya stared goin' out with these guys every Thursday,
Drinkin' ya senses away,
'Round a bunch-a guys over 21.

He was worried.
He didn't know these guys.
He didn't know how well you knew these guys.
An' he found out you were pretty much the only girl with 'em.
He'd ask where ya were,
If ya wanted a ride home.
Ya always told him no.
He wasn't allowed to go to a party either,
To meet these guys,
To see if he should really be worried or not.
Not much of a confidence builder, kiddo.
Ya wouldn't let him be at ease.
An' then ya told him he was smotherin' you.
He smothered ya 'cause ya wouldn't let him in, anymore.
He wanted to know he had you still.
Ya wouldn't let him.
Even with all the feelin's an' hist'ry that'll always be with ya.

After winter break,
Ya were never really the same.
He says his Abby got lost on the way back to college.
We told him to end it.
It wasn't gonna work out.
End the heartache before it builds,
An' crushes ya.
He couldn't.
He loved ya too much still.
'Cause of all the feelin's an' hist'ry that'll always be with him.

Y'all got into an argument.
At the end ya were just sittin',
Holdin' on to each other,
Cryin'.
He told ya he didn't just love ya,
That he was in love with ya.
He wrote eight little words to ya:
Falling once,
Falling still,
Always have,
Always will.
In the end it wasn't enough.
Ya kept doin' the same things.

The same arguments kept comin' back.
Y'all did the deed,
In some last ditch effort to reconnect.
Didn't work.
Ya still didn't come back to him.
The old you was still lost on those winter roads.
Ya forgot who he was.
Ya didn't realize ya weren't the same,
Or maybe ya did and just didn't get the significance.
He had to end it,
Still in love with ya.
As he walked to your door,
He had to push through all the feelin's an' hist'ry that'll always be with him.

"If you let me walk out this door right now,
I'm not comin' back."
That's what he said to ya then.
I was there talkin' to him as y'all were textin' afterwards.
I kept sayin' that ya stilled loved him,
That ya just weren't in love with him.
Then you said it.
Everythin' I'd told him since the beginnin' of your troubles was instantly validated.
'Cept you didn't seem to realize what it meant yourself.
It meant that as soon as you realized that,
Ya shoulda broke up with him.
Ended the pain,
The sufferin'.
Ya may not have been in love with him,
But if ya still cared for him ya should've done what was best for him,
An' let him go.
Ya didn't.
He had to.
Under the weight of all the feelin's an' hist'ry that'll always be with him.

Over the summer y'all still had a back an' forth.
Feelin's still there.
Well as I've been sayin',
Prob'ly always will be.
You're firsts.
You're real.
Ya had a break down back home,
An' he was the only one there for ya.
Prob'ly always will be.
Ya said ya loved him.
I'm not sure ya know what that means anymore.
But interactions faded with ya,
An' school came again.
Ya went back to your old self,
An' ya old friends,
An' the bowling guys.
He knows it'll just be the same ole song an' dance if ya get back together.
An' you were actin' like there wasn't,
Like there ain't,
All those feelin's an' hist'ry that'll always be with ya.

Ya say he broke your heart.
That's a fuckin' joke right there.
He had to break up with ya,
While still in love with ya,
An' you're standin' there playin' the victim?
Know your role, kiddo.
Know your part.
From what I hear y'all have talked it out.
How well an' what 'xactly that means I dunno.
I imagine time will tell.
Usually does.

Y'all are friends again.
I hope y'all are real friends again.
An' that this back an' forth ends.
It's ok to go back.
I can accept that.
But this little game of catch y'all are playin',
Is annoyin' the fuck outta me.
Prob'ly him, too.
A nice li'l question for ya,
Why is it always him ya come to?
When the world comes tumblin' down?
When the darkness of loneliness closes in?
When a physical sensation,
Devilish temptation,
Urges you for a connection?
I'd bet my money on all those feelin's and hist'ry that'll always be with ya.

If ya don't want a relationship with him,
Or ya think the relationship wouldn't go well,
Even if it's just at the moment,
Stop tossin' him the ball.
'Cause neither of ya really know what to do with it,
Even if ya only dunno what to do at the moment.
Then until the moment passes,
Stop passin' the ball.
These games are childish,
Confusin',
An' end in disaster.
I'm speakin' from personal experience an' observation at this point, too.
'Cause these games could very well overwhelm and bury any future chances.
Ya'd never forget.
But ya'd never get back,
All those feelin's an' hist'ry that'll always be with ya.