Falling Apart

It was a multitude of lights and sounds, from what I could observe from outside. Serpentile coils wound themselves around the trees, illuminating them. I got out of the car, but I didn't want to go inside. Why would I?
The barat wasn't here yet, but I could hear the bad songs and the trumpets from a distance. Or maybe I was it was all in my head. I tend to hallucinate a lot nowadays.
I didn't want to go in. I swear I didn't. But the place was pulling me towards it, and somehow I found myself at the entrance of the venue.
Aunty stood there smiling. I plastered a smile on my face and folded my hands in greeting.
"Are you from the groom's side?" she asked as she covered my head with a red cloth and marked my forehead with roli.
I nodded.

Immediately, I was escorted inside, into a lawn through a hallway covered in orchids, roses and tulips. I grimaced. He prefers carnations.
In the lawn, a number of people of all ages were socializing. Every woman there had her head covered with a red cloth just like mine and a turban adorned every male head.
I looked around for a face that I might recognize.
And there she was, laughing at a joke that her companion had cracked. I wondered who he was. But then, I shouldn't care. She makes friends easily.
She spots me and waves. I smile and wave back, but suddenly I don't feel like socializing. I sit down on one of the chairs and observe my surroundings.
On my left was the elaborately decorated dinner stand. Most of the people were hanging out there, eating one thing or the other.

Waiters were going around, serving snacks. One came over to me and offered me Chicken Tikka. I scrunched my nose and shook my head, all the while wondering why there was non-veg present. He was a vegetarian.
From my right, the guests are pouring in, greeting one another, laughing.
I shut them out as I looked front.
It was a stage on which two thrones were kept. Red and gold- the theme of the 'event'. I sneered.
The backdrop was a red curtain with tulips, orchids and roses sellotaped all over it. But it didn't look gawdy. It could never look gawdy with Ruchika Di as the event manager.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned to look.
"Are you okay?" Swati asked, seating herself beside me, without taking her eyes off my face.

"Do I look okay?" I smiled bitterly.
Swati was silent for a few minutes.
"You look really beautiful today. You'll put the bride to shame." Swati smiled at me.
I laughed out loud.
"Looking beautiful at an occasion when it doesn't even matter..." I grinned at her.
She saw right through my grin.
"Smita, why are you here?" Swati asked. Her face betrayed her calm tone. She was distraught.
"I need to see it with my own eyes to believe it." I said in a low voice.
"But-" she bit her lower lip.
"But what?"
"It's killing you."

I laughed again and patted her cheek affectionately.
"I've never been afraid of dying, honey."
"You'll find someone better." Swati said resolutely "You will. In fact, I bet if you ask that girl right over there for her number, she'll give it to you!"
I looked over to where she was signaling.
A woman, medium heighted, slender with a pretty face and a prettier smile was slowly sipping her beverage, looking around.
"She's pretty" I commented dryly, but then I turned to look at Swati, "But you know as well as I do, that it doesn't matter anymore."
Suddenly, she hugged me. I hugged her back. God, I was going to need a lot of support to go through this.

We sat there quietly for quite some time. The bad music was getting louder. I asked Swati if she could hear it too.
"Yes. Why? Can't you?"
"I just wasn't sure if it was real or in my head." I smiled wryly.
"Why would it be in your head?"
"I've been hallucinating for some time now."
"Smita-"
She couldn't say anything. Partly because she didn't have anything to say and partly because the barat had arrived.
I gripped her hand tightly.
It'll be over soon, I told myself.

Soon the groom was seated on (his) left throne. He was wearing a golden sherwani. I chuckled. He finally took my advice.
And then it was time for the bride to come out.
She walked so slowly that time seemed to hold still. She looked breathtakingly beautiful and was glowing like the full moon that night. Her smile went deep into my heart and I looked away, trying to hide the tears that were trying to escape.
She slowly walked towards him, her brothers holding a net of flowers above her head.
She seated herself right beside him. They looked like a match made in heaven, I told Swati.
"They only look like it. You two would have BEEN a match made in heaven."
Then, she hesitated.
"There's still time Smita, if you-"
I interrupted her.

"It's their wedding swati. How can I?"
"Well, maybe if you'd told earlier, it would've been you up on that stage!" she burst angrily.
"You know that could never happen." I whispered "I could never be up there Swati. Never."
Tears leaked out of Swati's eyes.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
Her voice was so raw that I had to look away to hide the anguish on my face.
"I'm sorry" she said, after a while.
"Don't be. It's not your fault. It's not my fault, or his or hers. No one is to blame." I said quietly.
"You unselfish moron." She said affectionately, patting my cloth covered head, "I hope you know that I love you."
"I love you too." I smiled.

I could always count on Swati to be there for me. And so she held my hand for the next two hours.
I don't know if people noticed my misery clearly etched on my face. I don't know how those two hours passed by. All I know is that I was staring at the, my sorrow eating up my soul.
They exchanged garlands and everybody was applauding, including me.
Phase one over, I said mentally to myself.
Then, we all went to another area in the lawn for rest of the wedding rituals.
He slowly filled the parting in her hair with vermilion. Or maybe I was seeing it in slow motion, as my heart threatened to burst out of my chest.
Then, he tied the mangalsutra around her neck. The mangalsutra was supposed to be talisman which would prevent the husband from any harm or misfortune, as long as the wife wore it.

Now, it was time for kanyadan. The bride's father gave her away to the man she loved. His eyes said that he loved her too. Then why was I melancholy? I had no right to be...
The couple circled the holy fire and with each round that they completed, I was breaking slowly. Finally, they completed the 7th round.
I couldn't stop my tears then. They had been flowing for the past fourteen years, but this time, they'd taken everything- every hope- I had clung to, with them.
They took blessings of all the elders, grinning stupidly all the while.
As I watched them drive away to their new home and towards a new day, a part of me died. I wouldn't love -I COULDN'T love- anyone else. And I regretted never telling him that he had been my EVERYTHING for the past fourteen years, but the regret was thrown into the wind with just one smile of his.
And before my eyes, my world fell apart.