Fall - Chapter 1
On the outside, Annabel doesn't look special, just another skinny girl spiraled out of control. But her mind is a swirling mess of delusions, and characters. Jake is the loner music freak with a hero problem, but can he possibly help a girl who might be beyond repair? New author - Anna Tandy.
This is How Things Look:
Cold, wet driveway, slick with rain and dark with winter evening, Harmony and I sitting at the curb in black hoodies watching the cars go by. Cars fleck spray into my face, smelling like asphalt and burning my eyes. Lights glitter across the street, happily shining for the holidays. A Santa blow up doll hugs a plastic snowman and two little girls run out into the cold, waddling around in snow pants and parkas.
This is How Things Sound:
The little girls laugh and scream and run to their garage. Harmony sighs and shifts, her lighter making a soft click as she lights up the butt of the cigarette glowing orange in the dim light. The cars crunch over the gravel thrown onto the road.
"Annabel! Harmony! You’ll freeze out here! Come inside!" Mama calls from the door.
"Crap." Harmony quickly stubs out her cigarette on the wet sidewalk, it sizzling.
This is How Things Are:
Lonely.
Tired.
Starving.
Lost.
**************************************************************
Chapter One - This is How Things Seem
When I was a real girl, Christmas meant ginger cookies, hot chocolate, and the scent of a Christmas tree in the air. It meant that Mama and Dad wouldn’t fight for a day or two and Michelle wouldn’t threaten to leave me for another day. Gramma might come and maybe even Nana too. Those were the days I thought I knew they’d live forever and Christmas would always be polishing heavy silver on a wood chair, and lying on the couch watching Frosty the Snowman. They died.
Dad left, and Michelle did too.
Mama’s on the verge of her third breakdown this year.
I just got let out of the clinic for the second time.
Nothing is the same.
Last year, Harmony and I made a pact. It started as a joke.
"Ugh I am so freakin’ fat!" I groan, flopping back on my bed.
"Al, you are so much skinnier than me! Hey, check this out." Harmony runs over to my computer, and, before checking Mama wasn’t near the door, types ‘pro ana pro mia’ into the search engine.
"There, look. She is so skinny!" She points at a picture.
"Oh my god. Do you think I could do that?"
"Not you." She scoffs, "I could. I could be the skinniest girl in school!"
"Why couldn’t I?"
"You don’t have the will power."
"Oh yeah? I could totally be the skinniest!"
"Oh yeah? Let's make a deal! Whoever can get the skinniest wins."
"Fine. But I’ll be skinnier."
"I’ll be skinniest."
That was a year and two months ago. This body was 120.00.
110.00
100.00
99.00
98.00
97.00
96.00
95.00
Danger zone.
That was the first time I was sent to the crazy shack. They pumped me full of crazy candy and food, and kneaded my brain like dough until I was a zombie.
Or so they thought.
I became a part of the secret society deep inside the institution. Secret girls secret exercise secret everything. Performing taboo sit ups and pull ups against the rules.
They pumped this body back up to 110.00.
Michelle left.
The next time I made it to 87.40. Dangerland. Firecrackers locked up in a small metal box.
This body is now 99.00. Goal one.
See, everything can be fooled. People, the scales, the doctors.
People: Heavy clothes, push your food around, hide it.
Scales: Strap on the weights.
Doctors: Avoid them at all costs.
"Annabel, hon, want some dinner?"
"No thanks Mama."
"Are you sure? I haven’t seen you eat all day."
"I said I’m not hungry!"
"Okay." She shrugs. "Harmony your mom is here!" She calls upstairs a moment later.
"Bye. Stay strong." She bumps my fist and runs downstairs.
I log onto my computer, back to that secret society built of girl's whispers.
I feel so freakin' fat! Need a text buddy!
Does anyone know how many calories are in 10 M&Ms?
(3.44 x 10= 34.4)
Stay strong ladies! Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!
Need to get down to 99.00 in two days? How long do I need to run and how many calories? If I'm 100.5?
(Starve. Run as long as you can both days.)
I type my own support.
You're all beauties! Love, love stay perfect!
"Annabel! School!"
She doesn't know I've been awake all night on the treadmill hidden in my closet.
"Want some eggs (170)? Toast (120)?"
290? Ew no.
"I'll get breakfast at school." I lie as I walk out the door, combat boots clunking on the damp pavement.
"Okay, but be home by five! I need to drive you to Dr. Montgomery's!" She calls after me as the door slowly swings shut.
Dr. Montgomery - noun - (dock-tor mont-guhm-ery) - the greatest annoyance in my life as of now. She is the outpatient therapist recommended by Dr. Parker, my Inpatient therapist.
"Did you hear? Melanie is going out with David." Girls snicker around the bathroom mirrors, smearing on grotesque lipstick and clown makeup. BMI: 28-27.5. I straighten proudly, my skeleton body ten times more beautiful than their stuffed animal figures.
I approach the mirror on the other side cautiously and peer into its depths. Curlyish dark brown hair surrounding beautifully hollowed cheeks and bruise like marks underneath Mirror Girl's green eyes. Mirror Girl smirks at the Stuffed Animals and whispers bad things.
"God, do you think she's anorexic?" Stuffed Animal #2 whispers to the other, pulling out a piece of gum (15) and stuffing it in her mouth.
"Annabel? She's been in the nut house twice cause of it!" #1 whispers back, her clown face leering at me. Mirror Girl hisses and tries to cross the boundary to real life, to kicking those girl's butts. I stare defiantly back at them, and their lipsticked smiles dim.
"Do you think they realize we can hear them?" I whisper aloud to Mirror Girl.
"Jesus she's freakin' crazy!" Stuffed Animal #2 says.
"That's not very nice. Do you think so?" I ask the mirror.
"You should be locked up!" #1 spits at me.
"Ooo. Try another? That was kind of weak." I say matter-of-factly.
"I'm outta here." Stuffed Animal #2 announces, and leaves the room. The stuffed animal left crosses her thick arms and stares at my bony hands, laced with thin blue veins and the beginnings of lanugo hair.
"I am not a zoo." I say steadily, then gaze back at Mirror Girl. She snickers softly, then holds up her fingers to remind me of the next weight goal, (95.00. 95.00. 95.00. 95.00) fangs glinting in the green-blue light of Mirror world.
"There you are!" Harmony runs into the bathroom, dyed red hair flying out behind her.
"Freaks." Stuffed Animal #1 says.
"If you don't want to look at freaks, I'd suggest you leave. After all, there are two of us now!" Harmony says cheerfully. Stuffed Animal glares at us, then leaves.
"Anyway, I made it down to 98.00!" Harmony says happily.
"That's great." I lie, the edges of the words tinted green with envy. The bell rings, slow and purposeful, as if carrying the weight of all the, F students, the slackers and the stoners.
"See you in Harvey's!" She waves, then segues smoothly into the current of students. I fight my way through the school (of bass, teehee.) and get to Dr. Cassidy's health class. I find a seat near the back, and watch the rows fill up with puppets and their puppeteers. You can always tell which is which.
1. The puppeteer always has a smug or defensive face.
2. Their puppet nearly always looks defeated or confused.
3. They always sit together.
Aiden speeds in last, lanky body hunched over, just before the bell and takes a seat two down from me. No one wants to sit next to Crazy Annabel. Or something. I never was good at coming up with taunting nicknames.
"We're moving on to our nutrition unit today!" Dr. Cassidy claps her hands twice at the front of the class, almost everyone's eyes drawn to her hot pink cowboy boots.
"Are we asleep today class?" She asks.
"No!" Everyone shouts, careful of the water gun in her hand. She's a very odd health teacher, choosing to shoot kids with water instead of yell at them, put them in a high chair if they act like kindergarteners, and pretend to cut their heads off with fake chainsaws if they fall asleep. I hate her. She turned me in last time, and I just KNOW she's starting the nutrition unit just as I come back to spite me. Or 'Help' me apparently. I don't even know how Harmony slips past her radar. She's good.
"RRrrr..." The chainsaw buzzes in my ear. "No sleeping!" Dr. Cassidy calls over the roar of the chainsaw. The class stares at me and laughs. "Up all night texting, Miss Annabel?"
"Or something." I mutter.
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"You know how I hate mumblers. What did you say?"
"I said 'or something'. Happy?"
"Only if you tell us what this something is."
"No thank you."
"No really, we're riveted."
"That's an invasion of privacy I believe."
"Right you are. Now stay tuned into my lecture this time."
"Yes'm."
"So, as I was saying, we have a new project! For two weeks, you are going to log, every single thing you eat, and then put everything into a food pyramid. Then we'll see what needs to be beefed up, and what needs to be slacked off on."
I bet she woke up in the middle of the night and said, Eureka! A new way to torture my first period! Or something.
I am so tired I have forgotten how to sleep.
I am so hungry I have forgotten how to eat.
I'm so lost I have forgotten how to get back home.
All I need to do is light up the neon signs in my brain, wake up my body, buckle on my smile and everyone will love me again.
My ghost opens my skull and climbs inside, tears out the wiring and screams holes in my brain.
Hear it say everysinglething that's wrong with you (me).
"This assignment is especially important for you Annabel." Dr. Cassidy says quietly at my desk as everyone scribbles down their breakfast. Somehow I can just barely hear her over the screams of rage from my ghost and Mirror Girl.
"Hmm?"
"I said it's very important." She lifts her facade of temporary happiness, "We're all very concerned for you Annabel. How are you doing?"
But I can't hear her anymore, the ghost has bored one too many holes in my brain and I fall into the black hole of exhausted sleep.
Cold, wet driveway, slick with rain and dark with winter evening, Harmony and I sitting at the curb in black hoodies watching the cars go by. Cars fleck spray into my face, smelling like asphalt and burning my eyes. Lights glitter across the street, happily shining for the holidays. A Santa blow up doll hugs a plastic snowman and two little girls run out into the cold, waddling around in snow pants and parkas.
This is How Things Sound:
The little girls laugh and scream and run to their garage. Harmony sighs and shifts, her lighter making a soft click as she lights up the butt of the cigarette glowing orange in the dim light. The cars crunch over the gravel thrown onto the road.
"Annabel! Harmony! You’ll freeze out here! Come inside!" Mama calls from the door.
"Crap." Harmony quickly stubs out her cigarette on the wet sidewalk, it sizzling.
This is How Things Are:
Lonely.
Tired.
Starving.
Lost.
**************************************************************
Chapter One - This is How Things Seem
When I was a real girl, Christmas meant ginger cookies, hot chocolate, and the scent of a Christmas tree in the air. It meant that Mama and Dad wouldn’t fight for a day or two and Michelle wouldn’t threaten to leave me for another day. Gramma might come and maybe even Nana too. Those were the days I thought I knew they’d live forever and Christmas would always be polishing heavy silver on a wood chair, and lying on the couch watching Frosty the Snowman. They died.
Dad left, and Michelle did too.
Mama’s on the verge of her third breakdown this year.
I just got let out of the clinic for the second time.
Nothing is the same.
Last year, Harmony and I made a pact. It started as a joke.
"Ugh I am so freakin’ fat!" I groan, flopping back on my bed.
"Al, you are so much skinnier than me! Hey, check this out." Harmony runs over to my computer, and, before checking Mama wasn’t near the door, types ‘pro ana pro mia’ into the search engine.
"There, look. She is so skinny!" She points at a picture.
"Oh my god. Do you think I could do that?"
"Not you." She scoffs, "I could. I could be the skinniest girl in school!"
"Why couldn’t I?"
"You don’t have the will power."
"Oh yeah? I could totally be the skinniest!"
"Oh yeah? Let's make a deal! Whoever can get the skinniest wins."
"Fine. But I’ll be skinnier."
"I’ll be skinniest."
That was a year and two months ago. This body was 120.00.
110.00
100.00
99.00
98.00
97.00
96.00
95.00
Danger zone.
That was the first time I was sent to the crazy shack. They pumped me full of crazy candy and food, and kneaded my brain like dough until I was a zombie.
Or so they thought.
I became a part of the secret society deep inside the institution. Secret girls secret exercise secret everything. Performing taboo sit ups and pull ups against the rules.
They pumped this body back up to 110.00.
Michelle left.
The next time I made it to 87.40. Dangerland. Firecrackers locked up in a small metal box.
This body is now 99.00. Goal one.
See, everything can be fooled. People, the scales, the doctors.
People: Heavy clothes, push your food around, hide it.
Scales: Strap on the weights.
Doctors: Avoid them at all costs.
"Annabel, hon, want some dinner?"
"No thanks Mama."
"Are you sure? I haven’t seen you eat all day."
"I said I’m not hungry!"
"Okay." She shrugs. "Harmony your mom is here!" She calls upstairs a moment later.
"Bye. Stay strong." She bumps my fist and runs downstairs.
I log onto my computer, back to that secret society built of girl's whispers.
I feel so freakin' fat! Need a text buddy!
Does anyone know how many calories are in 10 M&Ms?
(3.44 x 10= 34.4)
Stay strong ladies! Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!
Need to get down to 99.00 in two days? How long do I need to run and how many calories? If I'm 100.5?
(Starve. Run as long as you can both days.)
I type my own support.
You're all beauties! Love, love stay perfect!
"Annabel! School!"
She doesn't know I've been awake all night on the treadmill hidden in my closet.
"Want some eggs (170)? Toast (120)?"
290? Ew no.
"I'll get breakfast at school." I lie as I walk out the door, combat boots clunking on the damp pavement.
"Okay, but be home by five! I need to drive you to Dr. Montgomery's!" She calls after me as the door slowly swings shut.
Dr. Montgomery - noun - (dock-tor mont-guhm-ery) - the greatest annoyance in my life as of now. She is the outpatient therapist recommended by Dr. Parker, my Inpatient therapist.
"Did you hear? Melanie is going out with David." Girls snicker around the bathroom mirrors, smearing on grotesque lipstick and clown makeup. BMI: 28-27.5. I straighten proudly, my skeleton body ten times more beautiful than their stuffed animal figures.
I approach the mirror on the other side cautiously and peer into its depths. Curlyish dark brown hair surrounding beautifully hollowed cheeks and bruise like marks underneath Mirror Girl's green eyes. Mirror Girl smirks at the Stuffed Animals and whispers bad things.
"God, do you think she's anorexic?" Stuffed Animal #2 whispers to the other, pulling out a piece of gum (15) and stuffing it in her mouth.
"Annabel? She's been in the nut house twice cause of it!" #1 whispers back, her clown face leering at me. Mirror Girl hisses and tries to cross the boundary to real life, to kicking those girl's butts. I stare defiantly back at them, and their lipsticked smiles dim.
"Do you think they realize we can hear them?" I whisper aloud to Mirror Girl.
"Jesus she's freakin' crazy!" Stuffed Animal #2 says.
"That's not very nice. Do you think so?" I ask the mirror.
"You should be locked up!" #1 spits at me.
"Ooo. Try another? That was kind of weak." I say matter-of-factly.
"I'm outta here." Stuffed Animal #2 announces, and leaves the room. The stuffed animal left crosses her thick arms and stares at my bony hands, laced with thin blue veins and the beginnings of lanugo hair.
"I am not a zoo." I say steadily, then gaze back at Mirror Girl. She snickers softly, then holds up her fingers to remind me of the next weight goal, (95.00. 95.00. 95.00. 95.00) fangs glinting in the green-blue light of Mirror world.
"There you are!" Harmony runs into the bathroom, dyed red hair flying out behind her.
"Freaks." Stuffed Animal #1 says.
"If you don't want to look at freaks, I'd suggest you leave. After all, there are two of us now!" Harmony says cheerfully. Stuffed Animal glares at us, then leaves.
"Anyway, I made it down to 98.00!" Harmony says happily.
"That's great." I lie, the edges of the words tinted green with envy. The bell rings, slow and purposeful, as if carrying the weight of all the, F students, the slackers and the stoners.
"See you in Harvey's!" She waves, then segues smoothly into the current of students. I fight my way through the school (of bass, teehee.) and get to Dr. Cassidy's health class. I find a seat near the back, and watch the rows fill up with puppets and their puppeteers. You can always tell which is which.
1. The puppeteer always has a smug or defensive face.
2. Their puppet nearly always looks defeated or confused.
3. They always sit together.
Aiden speeds in last, lanky body hunched over, just before the bell and takes a seat two down from me. No one wants to sit next to Crazy Annabel. Or something. I never was good at coming up with taunting nicknames.
"We're moving on to our nutrition unit today!" Dr. Cassidy claps her hands twice at the front of the class, almost everyone's eyes drawn to her hot pink cowboy boots.
"Are we asleep today class?" She asks.
"No!" Everyone shouts, careful of the water gun in her hand. She's a very odd health teacher, choosing to shoot kids with water instead of yell at them, put them in a high chair if they act like kindergarteners, and pretend to cut their heads off with fake chainsaws if they fall asleep. I hate her. She turned me in last time, and I just KNOW she's starting the nutrition unit just as I come back to spite me. Or 'Help' me apparently. I don't even know how Harmony slips past her radar. She's good.
"RRrrr..." The chainsaw buzzes in my ear. "No sleeping!" Dr. Cassidy calls over the roar of the chainsaw. The class stares at me and laughs. "Up all night texting, Miss Annabel?"
"Or something." I mutter.
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"You know how I hate mumblers. What did you say?"
"I said 'or something'. Happy?"
"Only if you tell us what this something is."
"No thank you."
"No really, we're riveted."
"That's an invasion of privacy I believe."
"Right you are. Now stay tuned into my lecture this time."
"Yes'm."
"So, as I was saying, we have a new project! For two weeks, you are going to log, every single thing you eat, and then put everything into a food pyramid. Then we'll see what needs to be beefed up, and what needs to be slacked off on."
I bet she woke up in the middle of the night and said, Eureka! A new way to torture my first period! Or something.
I am so tired I have forgotten how to sleep.
I am so hungry I have forgotten how to eat.
I'm so lost I have forgotten how to get back home.
All I need to do is light up the neon signs in my brain, wake up my body, buckle on my smile and everyone will love me again.
My ghost opens my skull and climbs inside, tears out the wiring and screams holes in my brain.
Hear it say everysinglething that's wrong with you (me).
"This assignment is especially important for you Annabel." Dr. Cassidy says quietly at my desk as everyone scribbles down their breakfast. Somehow I can just barely hear her over the screams of rage from my ghost and Mirror Girl.
"Hmm?"
"I said it's very important." She lifts her facade of temporary happiness, "We're all very concerned for you Annabel. How are you doing?"
But I can't hear her anymore, the ghost has bored one too many holes in my brain and I fall into the black hole of exhausted sleep.
Post Comment | View Comments
