Examples of Talking Dirty - How Not To Dry Up At The Wrong Moment

Why is it when we get hit by a request that throws us for just a minute – our mind goes completely blank?

We sit there and look gormless.

Brain cells free wheel, thoughts stagnate in the middle of our little grey cells with nowhere to go and no way of getting out.

Suddenly we manage to get a grasp of normality back and we lurch forwards again, speech slowly returning to us as we mumble something incredibly intelligent like "Wrmufrum?"

I had this the first time my girlfriend asked me shyly to "talk dirty to her"

Was I embarrassed or put off by the request?

Hell no – just a little bit lost of what to actually say. "Kiss me" felt just a bit lame but screaming out "spread your **** whilst I *** your ******* with this ***** baby" was also way to far the other way.

There she is lying there, expectantly watching me, waiting for the magical uttering of intense passion and lust she was sure was about to spew forth from me like some geyser gone terribly wrong, broken and leaking 'gush' everywhere.

Now, I'm not the first to say that I have a passion for words. I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't, would I!

I read a lot, learn a lot and am warm and glowing in the depth and breadth of understanding I have for my mother tongue.

But I couldn't think of one single dirty thing to say the love of my life. Not one.

The closest I came to anything was an urge to mention how dusty her bedside cabinet was – but thankfully my over subscribed sense of self preservation kicked in and glued my mouth shut before my stupidity could lead me to the slaughter!

Finally I managed to squeak out something along the lines of how flipping sexy she looked in her flannelette pyjamas and how I was looking forward to kissing her bajingo!

Thankfully she took pity on me and let it pass – although I'm not sure I remember her every caressing my nuts with quite so much elbow grease and, well, pain before!

Make sure you don't get your nuts handed to you on a plate by learning the tips and tricks of talking dirty, including a host of examples of talking dirty at http://www.howtotalkdirty.info/