Environ(mental)
The crazy things I'd do for love....
I arrived at the lecture at 7:40pm. The man at the sign-in desk informed me that the lecture had started at 7:00pm and that it was ridiculous, not to mention very rude, for me to show up forty minutes late and expect to still get in. I informed the small man in a threatening voice that I was carrying a concealed, loaded handgun and wouldn't hesitate to use it on him if he didn't let me in. Then I slid my hand in my jacket pocket and pointed my finger towards the man, giving the appearance of a pistol.The frightened doorman hastily let me through the large wooden doors, imploring me to "please enjoy the presentation". I laughed at the look of sheer terror on the man's face and pushed my way past him.
I walked into the presentation hall, the large double-doors slamming loudly behind me. The hall went silent as every person in attendance turned to look at me. The blood rushed to my face.
"Is it just me, or are there a lot of attractive women in here tonight?" I joked loudly, "If I wasn't such a gentleman, I'd make every last one of you my wife!"
I chuckled nervously and slid into the nearest empty seat. I pride myself on keeping my cool in awkward situations.
After what seemed like hours, everyone turned back towards the front and the speaker continued his presentation.
For at least thirty minutes, the man on stage babbled on and on, informing us to please refrain from littering, and to separate and recycle our trash. He also rambled a bit about the atmosphere and some nonsense about a greenhouse. This person was the most long-winded and dramatic human being I'd ever encountered. His teary-eyed, bleeding-heart presentation was making my stomach turn and I erupted callously into a fit of horrible gas, which stung my nostrils and made the other members of the audience around me gasp and cover their noses with disgust. Bored to tears and unable to listen the man's horrible blather anymore, I pulled out my binoculars and carefully searched the hall for Tracy. There was no sign of her anywhere. Disappointed, I pocketed my binoculars, slouched into my seat, and waited for this atrocity to end.
When the ridiculous coward on stage had completed his dreadful presentation and the crowd had silenced their useless clapping, I moved towards the back of the hall for complimentary doughnuts and coffee. At least I'd get some tasty treats out of this terrible experience. I pushed my way through the crowd of people, who were all filing out of the hall to exit the building. I fucking hate large crowds of people. They infuriate me, so as I moved through the crowd, I intentionally stomped many toes, kneed many groins, and even lifted some unfortunate fool's wallet. After rifling through the contents of the wallet, pocketing the cash and credit cards, and stealing a photograph of the man's wife, I threw the near-empty wallet back into the crowd and continued making my way towards the awaiting coffee and doughnuts.
I selected three large doughnuts from the box and placed them onto a napkin. Then I took a cup from the table, filled it with delicious coffee, filled my pockets with as many creamers as possible, and turned to leave. Suddenly, from behind, someone bumped into me, knocking me forward. I felt a blinding pain cover my chest and stomach. I could feel the skin burning and bubbling and for a moment I thought I would surely lose consciousness and crash through the refreshments table like a dying bear. I looked down in agony and saw that my coffee was covering my torso. I screamed in pain and looked up from my steaming chest with rage. I found that I was looking directly into the tree-hugging face of the detestable speaker. Swift and terrible vengeance was the only thing on my mind at that moment. I wanted to do all that was in my power to bring this cowardly man to justice.
The man gave a surprised laugh. "Hey buddy, you should watch where you're going. That coffee could really burn somebody."
I couldn't believe my ears. Not only was it his fault that I was now covered in my own piping hot coffee, but he was laughing at me. With a violent scream of rage and hatred, I smashed my doughnuts into the mans face, mashing the sticky bread into the man's eyes. I took delight in his sorrowful wails and pleas for mercy.
"SOMEBODY HELP!! GET THIS CRAZY NUTCASE OFF ME!! SECURITY!! PLEASE!! KICK THIS MAN OUT!! SECURITY!!!"
Before I knew what was happening, I was being carried out by two large security guards. They roughly dragged me to the back door, me shouting profanities and attempting to escape all the while, and heaved me out into the night and directly into a large pile of garbage. I climbed to my feet, and after being robbed at knife-point by a homeless gentleman, I headed towards home.
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I rose early the next morning, bitter anger and hatred eating away at my brain like a ravenous leech. The terrible environmentalist speaker deserved to pay severely for his crimes against me. I had to find a way to avenge myself and destroy this man. His blasphemous rhetoric and propaganda regarding recycling and the environment was still fresh in my hate-filled mind. It was enough to make me nauseous. I sat down at my table, a notepad and pen in front of me, to devise a plan for revenge. Even before I had opened the pad or written anything down, I noticed the words printed at the bottom of the cover: "Made from recycled paper" Murderous rage pulsed through my veins as I tore the notepad to shreds. As I tore through the pad and then even as I chewed and swallowed the bitter paper, I felt good. I felt that by destroying something that the stupid tree-hugger believed in, I was destroying a little piece of him. Then it hit me. I knew what I had to do...
First, I approached my neighbor, and after violently threatening him and his family, he apprehensively agreed to let me borrow his massive SUV. SUV's are said to be notoriously bad for the environment. Score one for me. Then, I went to my local bank and withdrew all of my money, which came to around two thousand dollars. After that, I traveled to the store and purchased a dozen large gas cans, forty quarts of motor oil, thirty huge bags of fertilizer, and all the foam cups, plates, and bowls that they had in stock. I then filled all the gas cans with gasoline at the filling station down the road. Finally, I went back home for the evening, my SUV filled with the supplies for the next day.
The following morning, I rose early, fixed a sack-lunch, hopped in the SUV, and took off to pay a visit to the local dump where I collected as many bags of filthy, stinking garbage as I possibly could. I loaded them up onto the trailer (which I also forcefully borrowed from my neighbor), and drove to the lake.
Lake Dorothy is a peaceful location, frequented by fishermen, swimmers, campers, and people just looking to relax. The water is crystal-clear and some say that it's one of the few unspoiled pieces of nature in our area. It's truly a serene location. As I pulled the SUV right up to the lake, I could see the morning sun dancing off the ripples on the surface. Every few seconds, a fish would break the surface and jump, possibly to catch some elusive insect that was unfortunate enough to have fallen in.
I promptly hopped out of the vehicle and unloaded my cargo. Into the sparkling lake, I poured all forty quarts of motor oil, tossing the empties into the water as well. Then, one by one, I slit open the enormous bags of fertilizer and dumped them all into the gleaming water. Those were followed by all dozen gas cans, hundreds of dollars worth of gasoline flowed beautifully into the lake. I thought of the tree-hugging lecturer and laughed long and hard. Then I ate my sack lunch (ensuring that the remaining leftovers and trash went directly into the lake of course), hopped back into the SUV, and sped off.
I drove for roughly an hour until I found a secluded road that led into the forest. I took the road deep into the woods and parked in a small clearing. I hopped out and proceeded to dump every last scrap of garbage off the trailer. I emptied every trash bag onto the ground and then meticulously spread the garbage out evenly so it covered as large an area as possible. I then made a huge pile out of the foam plates, cups, and bowls I had purchased the day before. After soaking the pile with lighter fluid, I proceeded to set it ablaze. The rancid black smoke billowed into the morning sky as I chuckled with glee and reached into the back of the SUV for my new chainsaw.
It was 4:30 in the afternoon. The pile of styrofoam was still smoldering a bit in the distance. I had cut down many, many trees with my new chainsaw and I was exhausted. I was also very satisfied with what I had accomplished. If only the foolish speaker who doused me in coffee could see me now, standing in a garbage-filled sector of forest, surrounded by fallen trees, with a huge pile of smoldering, toxic styrofoam in the distance and a lake to my north that I'd personally filled with chemicals and pesticide. Yes, today had been an amazing and victorious day. I hopped back into my neighbor's SUV and drove off, my front bumper slamming into and killing a small, baby deer as I sped away.
A few days later, I was crouched naked in the bushes outside the campus cafeteria when I overheard someone say that Tracy had been hospitalized. I was devastated. I leaned further out of the bushes and strained to hear. Apparently, Tracy had gone swimming at Lake Dorothy and come home with several crippling bacterial infections, as well as mild brain damage caused by exposure to a certain pesticide. Although it most certainly was just a coincidence, I couldn't shake the feeling that it was somehow related to my activities the week before. Foolish, I know.
I burst from the bushes where I was hiding and demanded to know the details. The startled students stared at me in disbelief, and then turned and walked briskly away. I shouted menacing and threatening words after them, but they only quickened their paces and disappeared around the corner of the building. Cowards.
A week after that, Tracy fell into a deep coma. Deeply saddened, I purchased a card, a bouquet of beautiful flowers, and a dozen balloons from the gift shop down the street. After several hours of enjoying my card, flowers, and balloons, I decided that may be I should go visit Tracy. After all, she was (upon full recovery) the woman I was surely meant to marry and spend my life with. I drove to the hospital and asked the robust nurse on duty where I could find Tracy. I easily found the room and nervously peered through the window. There was a man sitting next to her bed, holding her hand. Jealousy coarsed through my veins... I reached angrily for the door handle, but a woman's voice stopped me.
"I'm sorry Sir. Only close friends and family are allowed."
I whirled around. A small Hispanic nurse looked up at me, a box of latex gloves in her hands.
"Oh yeah?" I grunted fiercely, "Then who the hell is that guy??"
I pointed viciously towards the man at Tracy's bedside, my finger tapping hard against the glass. The man turned his head and I gasped in shock and horror as I realized I was looking at the environmentalist nutjob speaker who had caused me to scald myself with coffee.
"Sir, that's her husband.", the nurse replied, starting off down the hall.
"I see..." I said with a scoul. "You wouldn't happen to serve coffee around here, would ya?"
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