Emotional Divorce

Marriage is a sacred institution, wherein two individuals take the wedding vows of love and cherish and respect each other for life. Many times it so happens that these two individuals discover they were never meant to be together and file for a divorce. There are innumerable marital problems that lead to a divorce, but it always has an emotional and mental repercussions on the man, woman and children involved. Marriage involves physical, emotional, mental and financial investments and letting it all evaporate in thin air is not a very easy process. Yet, 50% of the marriages end in a divorce and 67% of second marriages too end up in a divorce. It is seen that the rate of divorce in America is the highest in the world.

Divorce is a stressful event that usually means a loss of family, love, dreams and feelings of betrayal and loneliness. Marriage is a major relationship in society. Ending this important relationship and reasons for divorce lead to an emotional upheaval in the lives of the individual's seeking a divorce. The emotional divorce is more stressful than the legal divorce. Let us understand what is an emotional divorce and look into the details of stages of emotional divorce.

What is An Emotional Divorce?
Emotional divorce is separating yourself from all the emotions involved in the marriage before or after the divorce. For many individuals, emotional divorce is similar to the grieving process during the death of a loved one. It is a traumatic experience for both or at least one of the individuals, that fills their minds with chaos and contradictory emotions. The initiator of the divorce feels fear, relief, impatience, resentment, guilt, doubt and the other party feels betrayed, losing control, victimized, low self-esteem, insecure, angry and tries to 'get even' with the initiator.

Emotional Divorce Process
A divorce is not a single event, but three distinct processes lead to finalization of a divorce. These three process are the legal divorce process, the social divorce process and emotional divorce process. The process of legal divorce involves divorce lawyers and judges. The spouses argue, fight, negotiate and work out a mutual parenting plan through their divorce attorney in the court of law. This is where the property and debts and financial support extended is finalized. This may turn out to be the most expensive process of all the three processes in terms of finance.

The social divorce process is basically coming in terms of your single or divorces status in the society. The social divorce involves family and friends, who help you go through the difficult process of emotional divorce with dignity and help you accept the sudden turn of life. The social divorce can continue for a long period after the divorce and as it may take a long time for the divorced party, family, children and friends to come to terms that the divorce hasn't really taken place. Also, all the people you know may not get the news of your divorce for a long time and may ask you about your spouse making one go through the process of trauma all over again, even after many years.

The emotional divorce process is the most difficult of the all the three processes of divorce. The emotional divorce process is when one is gripped by the fear of separation and the physiological process of viewing oneself as a separate and distinct individual. Emotional divorce process involves both the partners to deal with the situations at different levels. One becomes the 'initiator', who wants to get over with the divorce as soon as possible and the other turns out to be a 'left' who wants to cling on to the last hopes of reconciliation after divorce. This is a natural process of emotions that involves the 4 stages of emotional divorce.

Stages of Emotional Divorce
The emotional divorce process is coming to terms with the divorce and working through the painful feelings. One experiences a range of emotions as the breakdown of a marriage results in change in way of life and reconfiguring life from a couple to an individual. The 4 stages of emotional divorce are as follows:

Stage 1
The first stage of emotional divorce involves the feelings of 'shock and disbelief'. It takes sometime for the idea of separation and divorce to sink in. It involves physiological issues like facing reality, self-esteem and inadequacy, letting the world know about the event and seeking support and help from family and friends.

Stage 2
The second stage of emotional divorce involves the adjustment and adaptability of an individual to accept the new phase of life. This involves mustering the life back together and managing the practical changes of life that include functioning as an individual and taking up responsibility. It also involves facing the reality of life practically and taking care of legal matters and controlling emotions.

Stage 3
This stage of emotional divorce involves actively reorganizing ones life, coping with divorce and the issues of suddenly begin single. This includes management of lifestyle and redefining relationships. One also needs to reconstruct personal values and beliefs and follow-up of the concluding legal procedures.

Stage 4
The last stage of emotional divorce involves rebuilding of life and getting over the divorce. This involves emotional issues and life choices that helps one move on in life. Here, individuals reconstruct new relationships after divorce, take up new interests, accept the new life and personal responsibility.

The first stage of emotional divorce is in fact, the quickest of all four. Many times, it comes in a form of a shock wave that their marriage is over. The second stage of divorce involves legal matters and third stage is mostly the emotional changes involved as the shock of divorce sinks in. The fourth stage is rather the most important stage, as all the legal formalities are more or less completed and it is now time to move away from the divorce and the partner emotionally. It is in the fourth stage, one starts picking up their life and getting used to the new single life.

There is no stage of emotional process that will have a formal end, as it depends on an individual capacity to get over and start afresh. The emotional divorce process depends on how deeply you were involved in your marriage. You will go through a mirage of emotions and therefore should talk to someone like a counselor, divorce recovery groups, a friend or family members to let out your emotions. You should not dwell on the idea that you have been let down by your partner or the divorce was your fault.

One cannot change the past and clinging on to the past will affect your future. Learn from your mistakes and make sure you do not commit them again. You may feel miserable and find no interest in life. Thus, make it a point to have something to smile about and laugh to let go of all the negative thoughts in your mind. Remember, laughter is the best medicine.

Once all the divorce formalities are completed, stop cribbing about the past and move on to the future. Take up a new job, socialize, pursue a hobby and start life afresh. What's done is done, now you need to reconstruct a new life that will help you live to the fullest. Do not hold a grudge against your partner, as it will only make your life miserable.

You need to start taking care of your children as they are the ones who will face a lot of emotional trauma. You need to take steps for helping children cope with divorce. Never say anything bad about your ex-spouse to your children, let them decide what's right and wrong. You may have gone through a lot of pain during your marriage or may have experienced the best years of life with your partner. During the process of emotional divorce, let go of all the feelings that give you pain, as this will help give you the strength to live life in the future. Divorce may sometimes be an inevitable event that may fill your life with darkness. Finding the ray of sunshine to brighten up your life and may be your children is the real challenge.