Emotional Abuse in Marriage

We tend to be too extreme when it comes to talking about emotional abuse. Emotional abuse, to most of us, stands for one spouse beating another, bruised eyes, swollen lips, bleeding noses and an uncensored hurling of invectives. Abuse comes in many shapes and forms. Sometimes the symptoms of emotional abuse are obvious, while at other times, it may take a subtle form. Often the victim fails to realize that he/she is Infact being emotionally abused or even traumatized. Emotional abuse is often the precursor of physical and sexual abuse. The perpetrator most of the times suffers from a chronic sense of insecurity and a vicious tendency to be in control of everything, so far as his/her marital life is concerned. He/she goes to the extreme to control the life style, behaviour patterns and personal choices of the other partner.

Infact, the perpetrator often stands justified in his/her own conscience and tries to sabotage the self esteem of the other partner to an extent where he/she stands willing to accept the entire responsibility for his/her ordeal and takes everything without any resistance, like a rag doll. Most of the times the victim and the perpetrator tend to respond to the reality at a subconscious level and are unaware of the fact that they are resorting to or are a victim of emotional abuse. What is necessary is an open discussion about the symptoms of and remedies for emotional abuse.

One of the primary symptoms of emotional abuse is that the abuser tries to completely isolate the victim. He/she tries to control the entire gamut of the victim’s social life. It is the abuser who decides, whom the victim will see, where can he/she go, what kind of friends can he/she make, to whom can he/she make phone calls, what type of job will he/she do, what type of guests can he/she receive and everything. The abuser has an underlying urge to socially isolate the victim and deprive him/her from forging any meaningful social support system. Often the abuser resorts to tantrums, deliberate withdrawal, false mood swings and open disapproval to get his/her way. This leaves the victim totally dependent on the abuser to satisfy his/her social and emotional needs. The abuser tries to justify his/her acts by explaining them as caring for the victim and love for him/her. The abuser may openly criticize, deride and insult the victim’s friends and family members, so that they stay away from him/her. In extreme cases, the other family members of the abuser may cooperate in restraining and spying on the victim.

This is often accompanied by verbal and financial abuse. Predominantly the abuser may act outright aggressive and will resort to yelling, shouting, blatant insult, name calling, blaming and abusing the victim and the people who are close to him/her. The abuser may also try to break all sort of communication with the victim, leaving him/her in a state of emotional void and confusion. Sometimes the abuser is diabolically sophisticated and may resort to mildly insulting and critical remarks and vicious bantering to torment the victim. The underlying spirit is that of a total disrespect and disregard for the victim’s personal views, feelings and emotions. Financial abuse is an essential component of any type of emotional abuse in a marriage. The abuser uses the money as a weapon to exercise his/her will over the victim. He/she may deny the victim, any sort of financial security and freedom or may leave him/her responsible for all the household expenses and financial responsibility. The abuser often acts financially irresponsible and may force the victim to support his/her extravagance at all costs.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, then it is a high time, you accept your responsibility in the scheme of things. If your partner is abusing you, then you too are to be blamed for it to some extent. Act proactive and change your routine and behaviour patterns. Openly but tactfully confront your partner and tell him/her that you will walk out of the marriage if the things don’t change. Renegotiate your marriage and discuss with your spouse, the things that bother you and how they can be changed. Opt for marital counseling, if necessary. If your partner refuses to cooperate and continuously insists on and justifies his/her behaviour towards you, then a divorce may be the only way out. Doing so, you may destroy your marriage, but, it will save your self esteem and self respect. You too deserve to be treated with courtesy.

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you want to find out more about a solicitor managed divorce see http://www.managed-divorce.co.uk