Don’t punish yourself for others’ errors!

Think of your friend for a moment, a friend that knows you and trusts you, a friend you have often times shown that you really care about. Now, if your friend comes questioning your decisions and asking reports about every little thing you decide to do and not do, how does that make you feel? In my opinion, that friend wants to control even if in his/her eyes it may seem like just being willing to help. There is a limit between genuine care and control.

Each person has a certain need of freedom, some have it more than others and when it comes to friendships, this line should be marked pretty clear so as not to lead to major conflicts. It is not wrong if you nicely tell your friend that he "trespassed" the line when he does it for the first time. However, I have to admit that for the first, second and third time of "trespassing" I personally give him the benefit of the doubt "maybe he didn’t mean it, it was just a slip-up, it can happen to me too". Yet…most of the times the fourth time comes…when I realize that if I don’t set the margins clearly, I might not be able to continue the friendship in such terms.

That’s why, I pray I am very calm when I plan to talk about it. First I have to find a good moment to start the conversation. Usually it is good to keep in mind that due to other pressures, you and your friend as well might react differently in different times of the day. For instance after a difficult day at work or at school, you might not get the results you expect from such a conversation. It is said that the first 2 hours after returning from work is the time when most conflicts sparkle. Right, so after you found your good moment … depending on each case, the second step comes.

The second step which is also very important is to make sure you are ALONE with your buddy; by being alone with him/her I mean that NO ONE else should hear your conversation. What you need to say should stay between you and your comrade, especially if it is an issue concerning solely your relationship.

Now, don’t forget to start with a positive attitude and in a manner that your friend can genuinely perceive that you really appreciate his qualities and his/her friendship and that you value this relationship. It is actually because you value the relationship that you have to discuss these itchy issues. Tell him that you appreciate/love him, but it is this particular issue that concerns you. Don’t fall into the temptation of generalizing "You always …" etc.

To help you keep your calm - especially when the case is really annoying and makes you boil inside (and these cases occur quite if not most often) - think about this: it is not worth it to get annoyed with anyone. Really, why would you punish yourself for the others’ mistakes, lack of intelligence/knowledge and so forth? Why punish your own being? Oh yes, you do punish yourself because it is your head that gets to "enjoy" the headache, not the others’!

Besides, this is probably the way your friend has been raised or treated and this represents normality in his family, therefore he has no clue how bad his actions/attitude aggravate you.

Right, it could also be something more to this. Sometimes we are the ones in the "blind spot" where we don’t perceive ourselves as being on the wrong side. For that reason tell your friend how YOU feel when he acts that certain way. It is not beneficial for you, him or your relationship to emphasize "how stupid he/she is" to have behaved in such a manner. After all… all humans make mistakes. Tell the truth but covered in a blanket of love, tell it the way you’d like to hear it if the situation were the other way around…which will eventually be, never knows!

To conclude with, I’d like to underline that there is no such thing like "the perfect relationship". You have to make that relationship work for you! That’s why, never worry if conflicts appear – they occur in every relationship, they are imminent - it is your ability to work your way out of it, the most profitable way for you and your partner/friend and especially when you greatly value that relationship. The relationships most dear to us will bring the happiest moments in our lives but also, they have the greatest potential to bring the greatest amount of pain. And we surely don’t want that, that’s why let’s apply the good old English proverb "Let the good be better and the better, best" in our friendships as well.

I wish you only great, valuable and healthy relationships. Once again keep this in mind: do not punish yourself for others’ mistakes!