Divorce: What next?

The decision to divorce can be painful. An individual ought to reach this decision only after careful deliberation and professional therapy. If a couple does decide to divorce, then they have to make many choices. Modern technological world is filled with choices. Even the divorce decision is accompanied by varied choices.

• What type of divorce – is it going to be a contested one or an uncontested one?
• Should we save money and time and opt for mediation or collaborative family law?
• What divorce method – the traditional solicitor method, the divorce online method or the DIY way?

These choices enable the couples decide about various divorce issues including:

• Child Custody and Maintenance – is it going to be single custody or the concept of shared parenting – who is to be the primary caretaker – what about child maintenance – who is going to pay for the child’s education and other interest activities?
• Financial Settlement – division of joint matrimonial assets – what happens to the matrimonial home – who repays joint debts? What happens to the beneficiary names of insurance and pension policies?

Everything has to be decided with deliberate precision. Usually, contested divorces are argued with the aid of a solicitor. Uncontested cases, on the other hand, are described as painless and quick. However, most modern couples are opting for amicable divorces through mediation or collaborative family law. The focus is on reaching a mutually acceptable separation compromise and to part on civic terms. Thus, the aspect of mutual respect and amicability is the overruling factor. But the pain starts after the divorce decree has been granted to the couple.

Marriage counsellors and social psychologists believe that the road after the breakdown of a marriage is uphill and arduous. Whether one sees this road as a punishment or blessing lies in the hands of the individual concerned. Thus, divorcers can be classified into two categories – their ability to embrace a new life depends on their personality and perception.

• Type 1 personality opting for uncontested divorces. These individuals view the divorce as the beginning of their new life. They believe that the road after divorce is one of their liberation and personal joy.
• Type 2 personality who opt for contested divorces form the major chunk of divorcers who believe that divorce is an end to their happiness and security. They wallow in depression, developing several behavioural disorders.

Accordingly, it is suggested that divorcers belonging to either category go in for professional personal counselling to help them view their new life with eagerness and confidence. After divorce, one immediate advice to be strictly followed is to feel good about yourself. Professional help enables one to view their own strengths and weaknesses. It helps them to introspect and feel satisfied with the divorce. Other steps which ought to be taken after divorce include:

• Changing your residence: This is extremely important to get away from painful memories. One can never be able to move ahead with fresh vigour and confidence if the past and ‘golden memories’ continue to haunt and taunt them. If the matrimonial home is decreed to be the residence of the kids, one can consider the option of selling the house and dividing the proceeds.
• Changing your lifestyle: One needs to have a complete makeover to herald the new chapter of life – change your way of dressing, change your hairstyle and manner of behaviour. Take charge and become extrovert. On the other hand, you should realise that you have to bear the financial burden alone. Thus, avoid wasteful expenditure – control extravagant and luxury spending. List all your expenses and see whether you can apply for Child Support. It is time to stop blaming yourself for the divorce and give yourself a mental shake.
• Pursue your interests – take up a new job – pursue academics or fulfil your desires
• Develop a social network but do avoid meeting your ex for a few months after the divorce. Try not to think negatively that life was better when married. Try and change your perception.
• Become involved and active in community activities. Join neighbourhood clubs or associations and make new friends. Try and participate in your child’s school activities.
• Try maintaining a friendly and respectful relationship with your ex for the sake of the children. Do not place them in an awkward position by asking them to play ‘middleman’ or ‘spy’.
• Avoid dating immediately after divorce but give time to yourself. Build your confidence and resilient spirit. Avoid engaging in any kind of sexual relationships with anyone. It will be emotionally depressing for you and your child to see different friends all the time.

The decision to divorce is not easy, but once decided, it is time to move ahead. You have to accept the facts and move on.

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. For more information on getting a Divorce see http://www.quickie-divorce.com