Disturbed Mind

I woke up in the morning to the feeling that if there was a powerful force controlling my life, it was doing everything to pull me down. Most areas of my life were unmanageable and every few hours I wallowed in self pity. In such periods, everywhere I turned I saw people who were content and most of all getting what they wanted, except me.

My wants are never ending by the way and I am like a monkey who wants to get his hands on everything that is new and shiny. Just to help you understand, I went to great lengths, even borrowed money to get the latest mobile phone and when I got it my joy knew no bounds nothing could knock me off Cloud No. 9.

A few months passed and I was sitting in a street side cafe when a beautiful angel came and sat on the table next to me. I was thinking of the world's best pickup line when an ugly (exaggerated) looking guy walked in and chatted her up. My unrealistic mind flew into a comparison frenzy and the only reason it could come up with was, that the girl fell for this guy just because he had a better phone than me.

Discussing this incident with a friend who happened to be a counselor was an eye opener for me. When I narrated my heart-wrenching story, he patiently listened. When it was his turn to talk, he told me about the inner workings of a disturbed mind. He knew a guy who was a borderline schizophrenic and he narrated in detail how this guy's mind worked because of the condition.

My friend once offered this mentally challenged guy an apple, this guy let's say his name was 'Tom' accepted the apple. Tom then took a bite out of the apple and flung it as far as he could because he thought it was a grenade. After he threw the apple he started crying and pleading that someone please save the baby which he just flung over the bridge. When no help was forth coming, he started stripping and that's when my friend intervened.

I had lot of identification with 'Tom' because my own thinking is just like him, moment to moment what I think and I feel changes and so do my reactions. Everyday I get up I want something new and think of something new to do.

All I know about my disturbed mind is 'Feelings are not Facts', what I was feeling was that the girl went to that guy because of his mobile phone, which I know now for fact that it wasn't so. There are many examples like this where my mind tricked me into feelings.

Remorse, Resentment, Guilt, Jealousy, Anger, Self Pity are feelings and not...