Discovering Goodbye
Scott finds the video suicide note from his best friend. Finding it hard to watch, he spends time reminiscing the past before she left without saying goodbye.
The moment I pushed the play button, she was there, in a blue summer dress, golden hair falling down in ringlets, a smile that lit up the world, it was exactly how I remembered her.
She was so close, so real, I hadn't even heard her speak and the tears had already begun to fall. She laughed. The best laugh I have ever heard. The only laugh I have heard in a long time. I miss her so much.
"Hello world." She said. I can't remember the last time I heard that voice. But here it was, talking to me. Here she was, looking at me. No it wasn't in person, but that was good enough for me. It would have to be. This was the closest I would be to her ever again. "My name is Eleanor. If you knew that, if you knew me, I miss you. I miss seeing you. I miss talking to you. I miss knowing you. I hope you don't miss me too because I am already going to miss. Even as I sit here now, I'm not here. I'm living and breathing and in the flesh but I'm dead inside. I have been dead for a while now," she said to me.
I paused the video, should I go on? Could I go on? I was not sure if I were strong enough for this. She was wrong; she was alive, more alive than she was right now. And I did miss her, I missed her so much.
I decided to continue the movie, to be with her as much as I could before I realized she was gone and I would never really be with her again. She was smiling at me. Looking like she had no care in the world. But she did have a care, a lot of care in the world. That is what got her down so much. She thought that everything bad that happened was her fault. She believed so much in the world that she thought it would be a better place without her in it. But it was not. The world was much colder. There was not enough care here without her.
"Sorry that I started out the movie pretty darkly. I didn't mean to. I understand if you want to stop watching. Take the DVD out and throw it away, give it to my parents, or give it to my best friend, Scott. They would like it, well like is not the right word. They would appreciate it."
I flinched at the sound of my name. "Best friend." That's how much I meant to her. I wasn't sure. I mean, I knew I was in love with her, but I had no idea what she thought of me.
It was only the second minute of the movie and she was already talking about me, how long was this movie? What else would she say about me? I was nervous but excited at the same time. I was still shocked she called me her best friend.
"First, dear mom and dad, I did it this way to keep you from having to clean up the mess. Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. Nothing was your fault. I loved you. I still do. Thanks for always being there for me. You were the best parents I could have ever asked for. Please take care of Sparkles, the cat."
I remembered how we first met. I was new in town, she worked at the coffee shop. She was good about remembering regular customer's orders. And even better at figuring out what kind of coffee drinker you were. I was so amazed. However, when it got to my turn she frowned, "Honey you don't belong in here," she said. I ordered a large coffee with nothing in it anyway, then took a seat, enjoying the show of her guessing other people's orders. Finally when the place slowed down, she made a couple of drinks and walked over to my table. Without saying anything she gave me a dark brown cup and sat across from me with an identical dark brown cup. I slowly took a sip. It was the best hot chocolate I had ever tasted. My facial expression must have said it all because she then took a sip of hers. That's how it started, a friendship, without any words.
"Second, I want to thank Scott. But I can't do that yet so we'll get back to that. Third, I want to tell you a story. I want to tell you how often I self-harm. I want to tell you how many times I throw up my food. I want to tell you how many suicide attempts I've tried. I want to tell you that I have depression. I want to tell you that my mind isn't right. I want to tell you how much I hate myself. I want to tell you how many times I've tried to reach out for help. But I'm not going to tell you any of that. I am, however, going to tell you how much you can affect someone's life. Yes, you, listening to this and watching this. You might not feel like much in this world. But you are. You are beautiful."
The chair I was sitting in flew across the room. Papers scatter everywhere. Eleanor continues to talk but I'm not listening. Anger is all I felt radiating through my body. How dare she just throw this information out at me weeks after, it's too late to save her. "I wanted to save you," I yelled at the screen. "I tried so hard. You never let me in. You never told me your secrets." I'm crying. I'm screaming. There goes the table. I've never felt so lost.
As I calm down, tears streaming instead of gushing, I pick up what she's saying again. "...To breathe. It's simple. It's effective. Don't make any rash decisions." She pauses. I wonder if I should go back, hit rewind, but I don't want to lose control again.
"Fourth, I would like to say I'm sorry. I didn't purposely hurt you. But I'm happy now, that's all I've ever really wanted. Aren't you happy for me?"
I push pause again and walk out the door. I'm gone in seconds. Hands in my pockets, I scuffle onto the streets. I just needed to get away for a moment.
Although it wasn't what I was hoping for, my mind threw me a memory. It was a Saturday and Bobby was having a party. She looked great in a mini skirt and a swimsuit top. Her long legs were a turn on. Too soon, too fast, I had too much to drink. I don't remember a lot other than how much I wanted her. At one point I remember kissing her and at another point I remember her telling me I wouldn't want her if I were sober and knew what I was doing. Honestly, that wasn't true. If I had been sober, I would've wanted her more. But I didn't tell her that. Of course I didn't.
That night I woke up shouting again. My nightmare made me miss her more. I didn't even know that was possible. It always starts out the same, Eleanor in a box, a glass box. She's laughing, she's twirling her hair, I'm trying to break the glass. I just want to say goodbye.
Suddenly the glass shatters, it goes everywhere, cutting my skin, burrowing into unknown places. She's bleeding, not badly, but all over. Little pricks of blood splotch her flawless skin. I try to reach out to help her but she flinches away. She looks terrified, a little girl who lost her mommy. Then her expression changes to disgust. She is horrified I'm even there, so much so that she turns and runs. She's fast, so much faster than me, she always has been. As she runs, and I running after her, she begins to fade away, getting lighter and lighter as she goes. Soon she is nothing but a memory and I wake up shouting out her name, begging for her to come back.
It's three in the morning, there is no way I'm getting back to sleep tonight. I decide to turn the video back on. There she is, again. There, but not really. Gone, always and forever gone. She's so close but she is so far away. I push play.
"Now, back to my second thing, Scott. He's my best friend. He's my only friend. I just wanted to personally take the time to say goodbye. So..." She wipes her eyes. It's hard to see her cry. I wonder when she made the video. Did she step in front of the train as soon as this video was over or did she see me again afterwards and still decide this goodbye was enough? Well it wasn't enough for me. I wanted a real goodbye. I wanted a goodbye in person. Who am I kidding, I didn't want a goodbye at all.
I wish I could have saved her. I wish I would have been enough. I wish I would have realized how unhappy she was before it was too late.
"Dear Scott, I love you. Can I say that? I know you're not going to watch this until after I'm dead so I'm sure you probably hate me. But I couldn't live anymore. Don't you understand that? Being alive was killing me." She paused to laugh.
"That was funny, I hope you enjoyed that. I guess I just want to let you know that none of this is your fault. Believe me, I've thought a lot about this, I've cried a lot over this, this is what I have to do to save myself. But Scott... listen... do you hear that heartbeat you have? Keep it. Treasure it. It's yours and no one can take it away from you. And you have a huge heart, you should show it to the world," She was going crazy with her hands. And I noticed, as I've noticed other times when she was excited, that she leans forward when she talks.
"Please Scott, just because I'm gone doesn't mean you should do anything rash. I want you to promise me you will stay alive and you will complete your bucket list because I know you want to. Promise? Come on you loser, promise me please," I nodded and whispered a promise just as she asked.
"Thank you, I love you, my best friend. You have no idea how much you have saved me. You are my hero. Stay safe. I'll be watching you," After she said that she winked at me and laughed. I smiled, God I love her laugh.
"Now go get yourself a hot chocolate, you deserve it. And Scott, look at me before you turn this off. I hope this is good enough," she said. Then she got really close to the screen. Her face looked like she was about to touch it. Her round blue eyes were at the top of the screen and her thin pink lips were at the bottom. I had to look at her, she was forcing me.
"Goodbye," she whispered. And then the screen went black.
She was so close, so real, I hadn't even heard her speak and the tears had already begun to fall. She laughed. The best laugh I have ever heard. The only laugh I have heard in a long time. I miss her so much.
"Hello world." She said. I can't remember the last time I heard that voice. But here it was, talking to me. Here she was, looking at me. No it wasn't in person, but that was good enough for me. It would have to be. This was the closest I would be to her ever again. "My name is Eleanor. If you knew that, if you knew me, I miss you. I miss seeing you. I miss talking to you. I miss knowing you. I hope you don't miss me too because I am already going to miss. Even as I sit here now, I'm not here. I'm living and breathing and in the flesh but I'm dead inside. I have been dead for a while now," she said to me.
I paused the video, should I go on? Could I go on? I was not sure if I were strong enough for this. She was wrong; she was alive, more alive than she was right now. And I did miss her, I missed her so much.
I decided to continue the movie, to be with her as much as I could before I realized she was gone and I would never really be with her again. She was smiling at me. Looking like she had no care in the world. But she did have a care, a lot of care in the world. That is what got her down so much. She thought that everything bad that happened was her fault. She believed so much in the world that she thought it would be a better place without her in it. But it was not. The world was much colder. There was not enough care here without her.
"Sorry that I started out the movie pretty darkly. I didn't mean to. I understand if you want to stop watching. Take the DVD out and throw it away, give it to my parents, or give it to my best friend, Scott. They would like it, well like is not the right word. They would appreciate it."
I flinched at the sound of my name. "Best friend." That's how much I meant to her. I wasn't sure. I mean, I knew I was in love with her, but I had no idea what she thought of me.
It was only the second minute of the movie and she was already talking about me, how long was this movie? What else would she say about me? I was nervous but excited at the same time. I was still shocked she called me her best friend.
"First, dear mom and dad, I did it this way to keep you from having to clean up the mess. Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. Nothing was your fault. I loved you. I still do. Thanks for always being there for me. You were the best parents I could have ever asked for. Please take care of Sparkles, the cat."
I remembered how we first met. I was new in town, she worked at the coffee shop. She was good about remembering regular customer's orders. And even better at figuring out what kind of coffee drinker you were. I was so amazed. However, when it got to my turn she frowned, "Honey you don't belong in here," she said. I ordered a large coffee with nothing in it anyway, then took a seat, enjoying the show of her guessing other people's orders. Finally when the place slowed down, she made a couple of drinks and walked over to my table. Without saying anything she gave me a dark brown cup and sat across from me with an identical dark brown cup. I slowly took a sip. It was the best hot chocolate I had ever tasted. My facial expression must have said it all because she then took a sip of hers. That's how it started, a friendship, without any words.
"Second, I want to thank Scott. But I can't do that yet so we'll get back to that. Third, I want to tell you a story. I want to tell you how often I self-harm. I want to tell you how many times I throw up my food. I want to tell you how many suicide attempts I've tried. I want to tell you that I have depression. I want to tell you that my mind isn't right. I want to tell you how much I hate myself. I want to tell you how many times I've tried to reach out for help. But I'm not going to tell you any of that. I am, however, going to tell you how much you can affect someone's life. Yes, you, listening to this and watching this. You might not feel like much in this world. But you are. You are beautiful."
The chair I was sitting in flew across the room. Papers scatter everywhere. Eleanor continues to talk but I'm not listening. Anger is all I felt radiating through my body. How dare she just throw this information out at me weeks after, it's too late to save her. "I wanted to save you," I yelled at the screen. "I tried so hard. You never let me in. You never told me your secrets." I'm crying. I'm screaming. There goes the table. I've never felt so lost.
As I calm down, tears streaming instead of gushing, I pick up what she's saying again. "...To breathe. It's simple. It's effective. Don't make any rash decisions." She pauses. I wonder if I should go back, hit rewind, but I don't want to lose control again.
"Fourth, I would like to say I'm sorry. I didn't purposely hurt you. But I'm happy now, that's all I've ever really wanted. Aren't you happy for me?"
I push pause again and walk out the door. I'm gone in seconds. Hands in my pockets, I scuffle onto the streets. I just needed to get away for a moment.
Although it wasn't what I was hoping for, my mind threw me a memory. It was a Saturday and Bobby was having a party. She looked great in a mini skirt and a swimsuit top. Her long legs were a turn on. Too soon, too fast, I had too much to drink. I don't remember a lot other than how much I wanted her. At one point I remember kissing her and at another point I remember her telling me I wouldn't want her if I were sober and knew what I was doing. Honestly, that wasn't true. If I had been sober, I would've wanted her more. But I didn't tell her that. Of course I didn't.
That night I woke up shouting again. My nightmare made me miss her more. I didn't even know that was possible. It always starts out the same, Eleanor in a box, a glass box. She's laughing, she's twirling her hair, I'm trying to break the glass. I just want to say goodbye.
Suddenly the glass shatters, it goes everywhere, cutting my skin, burrowing into unknown places. She's bleeding, not badly, but all over. Little pricks of blood splotch her flawless skin. I try to reach out to help her but she flinches away. She looks terrified, a little girl who lost her mommy. Then her expression changes to disgust. She is horrified I'm even there, so much so that she turns and runs. She's fast, so much faster than me, she always has been. As she runs, and I running after her, she begins to fade away, getting lighter and lighter as she goes. Soon she is nothing but a memory and I wake up shouting out her name, begging for her to come back.
It's three in the morning, there is no way I'm getting back to sleep tonight. I decide to turn the video back on. There she is, again. There, but not really. Gone, always and forever gone. She's so close but she is so far away. I push play.
"Now, back to my second thing, Scott. He's my best friend. He's my only friend. I just wanted to personally take the time to say goodbye. So..." She wipes her eyes. It's hard to see her cry. I wonder when she made the video. Did she step in front of the train as soon as this video was over or did she see me again afterwards and still decide this goodbye was enough? Well it wasn't enough for me. I wanted a real goodbye. I wanted a goodbye in person. Who am I kidding, I didn't want a goodbye at all.
I wish I could have saved her. I wish I would have been enough. I wish I would have realized how unhappy she was before it was too late.
"Dear Scott, I love you. Can I say that? I know you're not going to watch this until after I'm dead so I'm sure you probably hate me. But I couldn't live anymore. Don't you understand that? Being alive was killing me." She paused to laugh.
"That was funny, I hope you enjoyed that. I guess I just want to let you know that none of this is your fault. Believe me, I've thought a lot about this, I've cried a lot over this, this is what I have to do to save myself. But Scott... listen... do you hear that heartbeat you have? Keep it. Treasure it. It's yours and no one can take it away from you. And you have a huge heart, you should show it to the world," She was going crazy with her hands. And I noticed, as I've noticed other times when she was excited, that she leans forward when she talks.
"Please Scott, just because I'm gone doesn't mean you should do anything rash. I want you to promise me you will stay alive and you will complete your bucket list because I know you want to. Promise? Come on you loser, promise me please," I nodded and whispered a promise just as she asked.
"Thank you, I love you, my best friend. You have no idea how much you have saved me. You are my hero. Stay safe. I'll be watching you," After she said that she winked at me and laughed. I smiled, God I love her laugh.
"Now go get yourself a hot chocolate, you deserve it. And Scott, look at me before you turn this off. I hope this is good enough," she said. Then she got really close to the screen. Her face looked like she was about to touch it. Her round blue eyes were at the top of the screen and her thin pink lips were at the bottom. I had to look at her, she was forcing me.
"Goodbye," she whispered. And then the screen went black.
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