Diaries of Pain

The pain was not the usual type of pain. It was the type that heightened the senses; that left you wanting more. It was like a sweet remedy on the tip of your tongue. Nothing in my mind could replace this tingling amazement. No one understood this sort of taboo, until I met Damien.
Damien was the type good girls wanted but couldn't have. He defined the word mysterious. He never talked and always seemed far off. He had violet irises and dark chocolate hair. He was the first to get me.
Of course, you don't understand me. You're here to "help me". If only you'd see that I've been here more times than I can count, countless times. Sitting on this couch; not spilling my inner most thoughts. You sweating... waiting for me to drop pathetic tears so you can wipe them up and put an invisible band-aid on it. You and I both know once its wet it fails and slithers off. Band-aids never permanently stick to your problems... they fail miserably. Like everything else in my life.
I remember last Christmas I let the pain pull me under again. Mother had made this huge dinner, but father being the jerk he is... didn't have the decency to show up. Well, unless you count 2 A.M as appearing. I heard dishes clatter and shatter. My mother's strangled screams still play, over and over in my head. Endless echoes of pure hatred. No, there is no love. Not in my house; while others' homes are usually filled with warmth and calmness, mine happens to be filled with fear and discomfort. I don't even know what love is... all I see is miserable hate. My life had never been what some would call perfect.
I know you want to hear this and write it down. But what makes you so damn special! What makes you eligible to know my past! You and your blank look of fake sympathy. I mean me talking about my problems is what gets me here. If I tell you all about Damien you'll deem me insane, mentally diseased.
You see Damien wasn't quite normal at all. He went against the norm completely and fully got rid of all reality. He was my mysterious killer of the night; my dark lover of sorts, my obsession. When he walked through the halls; he didn't just walk, he floated. His gait was so smooth it was as if he were hovering over the dingy carpet. He fascinated me from the start of high school year; he was my way of getting through the school day. I would attend school just to watch him be a ghost of sorts. How I could watch him move for hours! We never really had a conversation till we were forced to by our language teacher; Mr. Haviss. He wanted us to partner up and he happened to sit next to me. I was so nervous to work with him let alone speak words to such an interesting creature. I finally got the guts up and talked to him, but it took a lot of will power.
"Hey." Words barely filtered through my chapped lips. I couldn't think properly and he obviously hadn't heard me say anything.


I obviously had to speak louder, but how could I without looking stupid. Ugh! This whole thing was harder than I thought it would be. I never imagined I'd be talking to him. I figured I'd just watch from afar or peak through my veil of dark hair in the classroom. Okay, I had to speak up. He had to notice my existence for this project to work.
"Hi. I'm Stella." I held out my hand like an idiot and yes I even stuttered. I cringed at the thought of the action I had just made.
"Uh... hi. I'm Damien." He gave me a weird look and was very mindless when he spoke.
I couldn't believe he had actually said something back to me; mostly because I have no self-confidence. Through our whole project we interacted pretty well and I even made him chuckle a few times with my morbid humor. I never could tell him about my secret obsession with him. He would think I was crazy and a bit on the creepy side. No, he had to see the Stella that was true; the real full-blown me, not some cheap imitation.
You're still sitting there; although, as I peer at the unending time; it is almost time for me to get up and leave. Leave this crappy office that's trying so hard to be a homework area with comfy couches, candy and books full of knowledge. You can't fool me though; I'm too smart for this foolery. I know exactly where I am and how your mind molding works. I've heard the tears and the pain even though you try to hide the sounds of agony. I've heard people speak of fears, pasts, and regrets. I've listened to unloved souls full of pain of being abused. Who couldn't hear this mistreatment when you're stuck in a Hell hole full of mentally disturbed people; although, you doctors call it being mentally diseased, just because you doctors put a more okay feel to it doesn't mean we need it. What if we enjoy being called mentally disturbed and ill? Some see their scars as ways to remember; like windows into distant pasts so we can feel again. Remember what it was like to be scratched on the surface and of it digging to the depths. We enjoy that inner most pain; Damien was the one to dig my wounds deeper and I loved every minute of it. It became our pain and entertainment. When I come to look at you and your refined dressing I know that I shouldn't speak of this either. Now that I think about it nothing is safe to say around you. Nothing comforts me and makes me trust anything about you.
Even though Damien and I had talked; I still didn't know a thing about him and neither did we finish our project. It was quite a portion of our grade too. I didn't have a last name, a phone number, or even an address. I had no idea how we were going to finish this humongous assignment in time for its due date. I'm not going to lie I'm really worried about my grade slipping in that course because it's my best yet. Its something I can do and understand unlike mathematics. I never could do that right. So, I ended up going home with the fear that I'd lost all hope of keeping that grade at an average. I really needed to broaden my socializing skills so I could properly deal with these situations.
I went to school the next day clutching my books close avoiding every corner and turn in my path. Damien could be anywhere as far as I was concerned; he was quiet and always sneaked around. No one even knew how he got into class so easily when the final bell rang to signal being late. I put my heavy mass amount of books in my locker all except my math book.
"Boo!" Damien's smooth voice came like a soft wind into my ear as he wafted in from behind my open metal locker door.
I jumped, in the process dropping my very heavy book on my exposed toes. Damn it, why had I worn flip flops today! I knew I should have picked different shoes. I sighed to myself and went to bend over to pick up my text-book when Damien did the unthinkable.
"Here sorry for startling you." Damien actually bent down to pick it up for me before I could and had a genuine smile on his lips.
"It's all good. Just try not to lurk in from the shadows when I'm carrying heavy books of torture", I smiled back. I mean what else could I do. He was actually being a gentleman for once. "Although... maybe I like your startling features."
I walked away swaying my hips feeling good about looking back for a peek to see his jaw on the floor. Yes! I had finally gotten Damien's ultimate attention and I was damn proud. I bit my lip pressing my book close to my chest as I walked into math class; my own torture chamber.
I'm sitting in my room if that's what you want to even call it. The room pretty much consists of a broken spring filled bed, white walls, and tile flooring. There's nothing gorgeous or fashionable about it. It's lonely and you can hear through the paper-thin walls; the sounds of tears, screams, and non sleep. The first night is always the hardest for new victims turned in here, but you grow to get used to it and gain the ability to hum it out. In a few months you learn to call this haven of flames your home. And new hatchlings in other words get to learn and embark on your mind filled joy ride called therapy.
"Stella." Stephanie steps into the room and sits on her bed she's tie dyed to try to be colorful and cheery.
"Hey, Steph. How was group today?" Great my roommates back in the room. I always like when she leaves because I can write in my institutionalized approved journal. Otherwise she's always over my shoulder reading or asking me dumb questions I don't want to answer.
"Um... it was good. I talked about my... well you know... I don't like to speak about it. But Marcy finally talked about her family and the abuse today!" Stephanie seems more excited than ever which is odd for her.
How could one girl get so excited about someone telling about their abuse? It's absurd; I mean that should disturb people. I guess that's how it is here, you get so used to people and their disturbing problems that it doesn't even faze you. Marcy would bother anyone; she didn't just have the memories on the inside of her abuse, but on the outside as well. She had burns all over her body from her father getting angry at her, cuts rising all the way up her sides. She was in bad shape; no one could really stare at her. It was hard for not just her, but all of us who had to see her from day-to-day. My story begins because not only was Damien not normal, but he was something that no one felt existed. He was my vampire, a creature that over centuries; people either feared or immortalized in history.
I watch Damien once again through my veil of dark hair since we no longer got to work together. I had done this long enough to know I could get away with it; well so I thought.
"Stella..." Damien sighed pinching the bridge of his nose peering down as his hair fell into his eyes, "You mind not staring for a bit, it's getting on my nerves and when that happens all hell breaks loose because I can't near damn focus. Plus I have a monstrous headache today."

I heard the click of his pencil tap his side of the desk as he set it down only to use his hand to massage his temple. I could tell he was in a lot of pain. That's when I began to dig in my purse. I know you're not supposed to have drugs on campus, but what girl doesn't.

I quickly found a pill and grabbed his hand making it palm up and slipped it into it, "Here, take this, it'll make you feel better."
"Thanks but I don't need it. I'm sure it will subside soon enough. Don't worry about me. Just go back to your work." Damien quickly put his hand down and picked up his pencil once more.

I couldn't help, but notice him cringe as he worked, like he couldn't care less, he was suffering. One of my pet peeves is if someone won't end their suffering. That's one thing I can't stand and to see mystery guy over there in agony was nearly intolerable. I really wanted to help him, I did, but he wouldn't have it.
"Damien... please just take, the small itty bitty pill," I held it out once more trying to be as cute as I could, "At least for me? Please..."
Damien sighed, aggravated with my persistence, "Fine give me the damn pill."
The next thing I knew he threw out his hand for me, "Thank you." I curled his palm around it as I searched for my water bottle I always carried.
"Although, I will tell you this won't solve all my pain, so it's really a waste of your time, Stella." Damien swallowed it down and handed me my water without an expression on his face.
I won't lie I was a bit startled by what he said. What did he mean that it wouldn't solve all the pain? I gave him Tylenol, it should solve everything! What pain can't be stopped by that medicine? Wait, what if he had cancer? What if it was some brain tumor that couldn't be stopped and he had several months to live? Okay... get a hold of yourself Estella, everything's fine. Go with the flow, if all else fails, just ask!
"What kind of pain can't be solved Damien?" Innocent enough question right? Wrong! Damn it!
The only thing after that, that I could hear was him breath out a bit angry and frustrated. "You really want to know?"
I looked at him a little frightened into his coal-black eyes that were like two black holes. I couldn't get words out, only a nod.
He got in my face and huffed in fury, "You really want to know Stella?"
I had never seen him so furious in my life. It was like my mysterious sweet ghost had disappeared and had been replaced with a demon of some sort. I managed to stutter a quiet, "Yes..."
"Look up for me, will you, online when you get home; Mountain Springs. You got that sweet Angelique au Sang?" Damien gave me what seemed to be an innocent wink, but what did I know.
"What's sweet Angelelala au slang...sang mean exactly?" I didn't get that, was it a random language I was expected to understand? I had no idea what had been said and if it was good or bad.
"Ah... you'll learn soon enough, but it's French." Damien gathered his stuff and headed out the door before I could say anything, "Au revoir."
I picked up my books and writing utensils and left the classroom as well and walked to my car.
It's group time and I have no idea what I'm going to share today. I'll probably just sit back and stay quiet. Of course that always got them to pick on you, but isn't that the point, to make the most ruckus by not talking. It was like a game and everyone was in on it, but the group leader, Tina. She was the middle, the one who listened to us complain or not complain that is. It's not like I can open up out of my shell and speak about what I'd been through because none of it made sense. Nothing seemed logical to anyone, but me and Damien, no one understood the closeness we had. And I'm beginning to think no one ever will.
I sat at my computer at home after I had set all my school notebooks and other educational materials down. I needed to find out about this Mountain Springs. I went in the local search engine and typed in 'Mountain Springs'. Tons of matches filed in, but nothing that remotely explained anything. There was only one that stood out, Mountain Springs Funeral Home. They were local and marked number one. There was no way this was what he wanted me to find, plus why would he want a funeral home. Who the hell looks for those kinds of creepy crawly places? Although, Damien is kind of strange, nah... he wouldn't take interest in this, would he? I decided to sit back and take a break for a while. I needed to breathe and take a look at the whole situation. I decided to go back to my basic searching grounds and scroll down a few. Nope; I still kept getting funeral homes around the world. What kind of sick joke is this? I was going to hit Damien tomorrow during English. Fine, I'll go see if he's there today. I wrote down the address, grabbed my coat, and left to my car to head off to Mountain Springs Funeral Home.
By the time I arrived at the funeral home, there was no one in site. There were no cars and no light. I didn't know what to expect, but it definitely wasn't the darkness. This place hadn't existed or been run in years. Which; was odd on account of the fact that it was labeled number one on the web. Maybe, I was at the wrong place.
"Well... well, you made it!" Damien appeared out of the shadows holding his arms out smiling cynically.
"Um... uh... I made a mistake." I stuttered as I backed up against the brick wall of the building as he walked closer to me.
"Don't worry..." That's when the light hit his bleach white teeth that I saw the sharp points of the scariest weapons I had ever seen in my life. "I don't bite... much."
"Damien you're...you're scaring me!" Tears fell down my cold dead cheeks. I had no idea this would happen and I had never been so scared.
"You find this scary?" Damien chuckled a bit and shook his head from side to side before he returned his eyes to mine, "You don't know the half of it, babe."
I felt his presence keep me to the rough wall, his hand on my throat, felt his breath on my neck, "Okay, stop, Damien just stop!" I begged hearing tears shake my voice.
"You still will never know the pain I suffered, never!" Damien shoved off my throat to stand on his own feet, "You people have it so easy; you know that?"
"What are you talking about?" I whimpered braced against the wall still my breath coming in pants now.
"Your people!" Damien glared at me with vengeance, "they hunted us, and they brought us pain and suffering!"
"Well that's not my fault is it?" I had cold hatred on my face. How dare he blame me for his cultures misfortune? It's not my fault, I wasn't there!
"You don't know the half of it, Angelique au Sang!" Damien about snarled at me baring his teeth.
"And another thing, what the hell does that mean?" I had the courage to finally poke him in the chest with my index finger and shove him. "This time you better tell me straight!"
Damien rolled his noir eyes, peered cynically into mine, got close to my body as our body heat meshed together, and whispered in my ear, "Angel of Blood."
Right then as if by flipping a switch an icy cold shiver rolled itself up my spine. Angel of Blood, why would he have called me that? I don't get any of this, none of this was logical. Nothing made sense to me anymore. I guess if I really thought about it; he never made logical sense. He never made my senses tingle with knowledge because the point was, was that, he was unknowable. He hid to hide from the world, so in reality no one knew who he was or what he was.
I guess as I sit here back on my cot of a bed, I could tell my roommate. I really could, but what would be the point of that. It was meant to be a secret, so it should be kept as one. A hidden passion between me and Damien, a taboo of sorts. I get letters every so often throughout the months from him still. They come in every few days. The institution employees have to read them before I can open them and see them for myself. They have to make sure their safe, so who knows how many I haven't received from my love. Stephanie doesn't know me like she thinks she does. She feels like I've told her everything about me and my past, when I haven't told her an inch of information.
"Can you guess what I am, Estella?" Damien gravitated close to my face, his lips barely brushing against mine, "Hmm, can you, do you understand!"
I swallowed my saliva that was invisible to my senses. My throat was raw and dry from panting in fright. This wasn't the Damien I wanted, but for some reason I couldn't get enough of him. Something about this situation made me feel amazed and very excited. It was a Damien I had never been subjected to.
Damien chuckled, breathed out, and began pacing in front of me, "No, I suppose you don't. I should have, known you didn't have the intelligence to comprehend my situation in life." He shook his head and held his hands formally behind his back.
"Hey, who said I wasn't smart!" That was all it took to break my solitude. That was way out of line of him to have called me that. "I know exactly what you're telling me. I hope you will actually see that I have a brain and it's at a very high level for our age!"
Damien let out another chuckle then waltzed over to me. He put his hand under my chin and swiped it gently from under it. "Ah... you are much too naïve. It's not our age, Stella."
"What?" I was baffled at what he had just spoken. He was my age, if not, older by a year.
Damien sighed rolling his eyes. "Have you not read the legends? Which, are far fetched mind you, but I am at least in my nineties." He walked away from me and leaned against a street light.
I was so confused because he was at school in my grade, let alone in my class, yet here he was trying to tell me he was in his nineties. There was no possible way that he could be that old. I mean he looked like he was merely eighteen if not a bit younger!
"If you're in your nineties..." I looked at him quizzically trying to make sure he was what he said he was.
"Yes..." Damien crossed his arms over his chest and rolled his eyes as if he's been questioned before.
"Then what happened in 1918?" I knew the answer and I wanted proof of his so-called age.
I thought I had stumped him when he gave me the answer and a good story along with it. Which; by the way, completely ruined my point that he couldn't possibly be that age.
"Let's see..." Damien looked up at the stars and thought good and hard, "I was a child, so it's hard to remember, but that was when the Influenza Epidemic broke out over the world. My father passed away from it when I was six years old."
He really was the age he claimed to be. I couldn't believe it. How could he be, you'd have to be... and that when I realized what was going on.
"You're immortal." I blurted out my eyes growing wide.
"You seem... so surprised by that." Damien got up from the light pole and walked over to me.
"Well wouldn't anyone be, I mean seesh! That's not an everyday thing there, Damien!" I gave him a no crap look and slipped away from the wall and him, "So, let's say you are..."
"A vampire?" Damien rolled his eyes, "I thought we already had that down. Apparently, you really are that incompetent."
"Because I can't see you as a vampire? You're going to call me a lunatic because I find it a little bit hard to believe that you're a blood drinker?" I glared pointing my hand at my chest to infer than he has to be kidding. Anyone would react the way I did.
I hate how you stare at me and think I don't know what I'm talking about. How you can't seem to grasp that something else could be out there; that we're not alone on the planet. I guess for people in reality they can't see these types of things. Or the fact that everything I do in here is in the dark. I never see the light, yet that little aspect seems to pass right past your mind. I guess you doctors really don't know what is right under your noses. I guess I could change that, flaunt my new assets and show off my proof, but to do that would be out of code. You would probably just deny you'd saw it. Say the patient must have gotten plastic surgery. Let me inform you, plastic surgery can never feel half as good as this transformation did, never!
"Want proof?" Damien stepped closer to me pushing me once again back to the wall.
"Sure, why don't you prove it!" I crossed my arms and glared up at him pouting my lips.
"You asked for it!" Damien leaned into me and tilted my head up to him.
He kissed me on the lips, "You know you're too pretty for this life."
"Awe, well I'm not asking for compliments, show me." I kept my glaring eyes on his.
"Fine, I was just trying to make up for what I'm about to give you." Damien's lips whispered close to mine.
His soft lips moved like butterfly wings down my jaw to my ear, "I'm about to show you my way of life, sweetheart."
In a quick movement before I could push him away; he flung my head to the side and bit my neck with vengeance. All of his anger and frustrations went into taking my neck into his mouth. I had no chance to scream and no chance to react. The most I could do was open my mouth and pant. I won't say it felt like excruciating pain, but I will say it was not like anything else in the world. If I were to be honest I would say it was the best feeling I had ever been subjected to.
I woke up feeling faint and barely being able to breathe. My lungs could barely take in any air. I'm not sure if I'm going to live after this. The one thing I am sure of is that Damien is holding me... and singing?
"You'll be okay, here, drink this, Angelique au sang." Damien bit his wrist and I could feel it's coldness against my lips. He cringed as I took small sips of it feeling much better.


I know that if my story is told over and over, I will be stuck here in this Hell of a place for years more. I'll never be free to fly with Damien again. I'll never feel the cool night on my wings; forever to not lie in the grass of Mountain Springs and stare up at the beautiful stars. I know I'll never see the night again with my love, but I know one day I'll be free when this old place closes down. I will be with my beloved again and never see people once more. I'll be without bars and old springs, without roommates and therapists, and problems; I'll be in nirvana with Damien.