Desperate Wings (Complete)

DESPERATE WINGS
SUDHA VIDYARTHI

THIS NOVEL IS DEDICATED TO RAM PRASAD VIDYARTHI

IN THE SUMMER OF 2008, MY GRANDMOTHER, SUDHA VIDYARTHI, TOLD ME THIS STORY, AND AFTER 2 YEARS OF TRYING, IT IS FINALLY READY. I, HER GRANDDAUGHTER, TRANSLATED HER STORY FROM AN IDEA TO A NOVEL.
A GIFT FROM A GRANDMOTHER TO HER GRANDDAUGHTER AND FROM A GRANDDAUGHTER TO A GRANDMOTHER.

Dearest Nanu...
Hope this story is a good enough translation for the very beautiful one that you told....

Your granddaughter,
Meeth Srivastava.

CHAPTER 1:

Nandita checked herself one last time in the mirror before heading off to office. She had reduced a bit of the flab, especially at her waist. Unlocking the garage she extracted the Santro out. The clouds looked ready to pour. She made a mental note to scrub the car hard on the coming Sunday. All the rain and the sludge had made a mess of her car. Nandita remembered a file she had been asked to analyze. She left the ignition on and went inside to fetch her file. As she returned from her room she saw her mother in the dressing room. "Nandita!" her mother better known as Mrs. Das, said in her high pitched voice, "I'm having a kitty party tomorrow, I think I'll need a bit of help from you. . . ." Nandita mumbled her unwilling reply and walked off quietly out of the house and into the rain. Somehow the warmth of her house did not envelope her but the cold touch of the drizzles that had just began encased her in a world that she thought was hers. The goosebumps on her skin felt warm and welcoming. Thinking about the day ahead, she sped towards her work place, her solace.

The Das family was considered a broad minded and rich family in their locality. They had a bungalow in Vile Parle, Mumbai. Nandita was the only child of Mrs. and Mr. Das. Somehow the city's pace left Nandita's childhood scattered, her adolescence lonely and teenage loveless. Most of all, it was the restrictions she was to live with which made her insecurities suffocate her. Her lack of brightness and her tendency to think of herself as someone unloved was quite understandable. Only she had no one to understand her. She was the only one who knew about herself. Her father had been very busy working when he was young and drinking when he aged. On the contrary, her mother was blossoming into the youth that had left her in the reverse gear. She had always been like that. Kitty parties, fashion wear, latest models of jewelry were her thing, not bringing up her child or attending her annual days.

Nandita knew her mother had a troubled past but why punish her for that? Nandita grew up to be a self dependent and reserved individual. She completed her studies and became an engineer. Her father got her a job in Wipro. She was glad to have found a new friend circle, people who shared their problems with her. They trusted her, confided in her and for all the time that she was away from her house saw her troublesome insecurities fly out of the window. People spoke of homes; she spoke only of a house- that meant as a shelter to her nothing more and nothing less. Nandita missed her parents as a young girl during her Board Exams, as a teenager when all other girls were gleefully talking about what their mothers said about their crushes, as a graduate when she saw no one to cheer for her when she threw her graduation hat into the air. She was twenty nine years old and still not married or even in love. She didn't know her crushes and neither did she know her deepest desires. And even if she did, she locked them and kept them aside for fear of losing her already distanced parents.

Earlier she remembered some incidents when she had loved her mother so. She could recall herself and her mother eating in a restaurant when her father was out on a tour. She recollected the way her mother had patted her to sleep before an exam in perhaps 7th standard. Her father had been very supportive about her getting a good job. She knew his efforts had brought color to her career. It was he who had given her the first car of her life, how special that birthday had been! But that was about it. . . .

Her huge office building came into view as she turned around the corner. It seemed to tower over the whole area. 'Churchgate', a jungle of cement with just business class people streaming in and out of huge buildings. Nandita parked her car in her daily slot and stood waiting for the lift. She had prayed for a good day and the mere sound of the words- kitty party had pissed her off. She kept thinking about her frustrated mood until someone placed a hand on her shoulder. Nandita twirled around; "Oh Aaradhna! It's you!" Her friend grabbed Nandita's hands and said excitedly, "You remember the guy I was telling about the other day?" Seeing Nandita's confused expression she explained, "The boy who had come to see me last week, well we decided to give it a try. . . I'm going on an introductory date today with him!" Nandita joined in her friend's happiness and asked with a naughty tone, "Where is the date?" Aaradhna blushed shyly and said, "Hiranandani Gardens." Her eyes widened in awe as she said, "He must be really rich to be going on a date to Hiranandani!" Aaradhna nodded and added in low tones, "I'll tell you more about him during lunch." Nandita patted her back and both of them vanished into the cavity of the lift.

Nandita sat in her cabin, wondering what her first date would be like. Aaradhna was 26 and already getting married. She had heard her parents had even bought a lovely diamond set for their daughter. What about her? Luckily, before she could drift any further into her world filled with sadness to the brim, a peon knocked and said, "Nanditaji, Mr. Venugopal has asked you to please meet him after the tea break." He was her boss. A kind-hearted and extremely chivalrous person, he had been the boss of Nandita's unit from the past five years. She wondered what would have made him call her individually. Nandita was so nervous that she did not care to find Aaradhna in the tea break. She sat by herself in the office sipping tea. 'I just hope my files are all in order!' she prayed as the clock struck 11o' clock. Pretty soon, she was standing outside Mr. Venugopal's office. She took a deep breath and knocked politely. She heard his accented voice, "Come in, please." She looked at the door mat and stepped inside, her palms clammy and cold. Only after he asked her to sit down did she look up at him. He was smiling.

She was about to open her mouth to ask him why she had been asked for when he said, "So, it's been three years since you got your last promotion," She nodded and thought, 'Don't give me demotion now, I'm already tired of disappointments!' He paused for what seemed like eternity and then said, "Your new cabin will be on the eighteenth floor. I'm calling the interior decorator today, you can get the room designed by the evening. . ." She sat there stunned, what was the man in front saying? She opened her mouth and closed again. Her boss laughed softly and said, "I hope you have enough cash to treat your friends to a lavish lunch today. . . Congratulations!" She smiled like a hundred watt bulb and exclaimed, "Thank you sir! That was good news indeed!" She left his office almost trembling with joy. She got promoted. A rise of 10,000 in her salary, a better cabin and many more benefits! She had to call her parents and inform them about her shining luck. No one picked up the call when she called at her father's number. The land line was busy, her mother must be arranging for the kitty party. Her happiness unaltered, she sent a message to her father - 'Papa! I got promoted today. Will go out for a treat tonight.'

That afternoon she spent almost thousand rupees giving treats and ice creams to her colleagues. Aaradhna pulled her aside after most of them had retired to their tables, "He called me up twice!" She was squealing with joy and Nandita smiled with her. She continued, "He is going abroad after two months; so, if we hit it off, I'll go too!" Nandita squeezed her hand and said, "I'll pray for you and your life to be full of joys!" Aaradhna walked with her to her room and left when the interior decorator came. Her kind boss had sent him to her first! She talked animatedly about the desired decorations and decided upon the wallpapers. She chose a purple background with a floral print. Her afternoon was spent completely in deciding how her new room would look. She completely forgot about the layouts she was supposed to make! Ah! That could wait. Her promotion and the adjoined happiness were more important.

Evening squirmed its way up the humid air, battling the uncaring local trains of Mumbai and the people it carried. Most of them were in a hurry to get to their destinations. Hence, the men could be seen in the ladies compartment. Some driven teens traveled hanging on the door rails to impress sincere and the not so sincere college girls. Nandita crossed the railway station thanking God in a seven second prayer for the luxury of a car. Honking her way all the time to Vile Parle, she finally reached home. Her face seemed darker and shone slightly with sweat. Parking the car inside she walked with high spirits into the house. "Arey Anand babu!" She called the servant to get her things into the room. Her father came from the room adjoining the main hall. He smiled and said lovingly, "So? You look happy to me..." She smiled back and answered, "Of course! I hope you'll come with me papa!" Her father caught his breath and even before he could utter a word her smile saddened; "It's alright papa, I'll go there with my friends." Her father looked at her- she hadn't taken it badly. The same thing had been happening at every promotion, none of which he could attend.

Nandita dumped her purse and files in the study adjoining her room. As if any of her friends had a evening to spare! Her eyes were filled with tears. She choked back lonely tears lest her contact lenses would slip off. She looked at herself in the mirror. It was a habit to do this every time she felt bad, every time she needed encouragement. Her colleagues used to call her beautiful, she had brown eyes, shoulder length wavy hair and a tall well built frame. She turned away, sobbing. Her best friend was getting married and she didn't want to spoil her Hiranandani date by telling her the sorry tale of her promotion evening. She opened her wardrobe and peeked at her party dresses, all of a sudden she had this crazy thought of freaking out, 'Why not go on a single date with myself?'

Encouraged, she snatched her bath robe and stepped into her bathroom. She avoided thinking of anything but how she was going to enjoy hard the whole evening. She gritted her teeth and chanted, 'I won't be back before 11....' As she dressed up, Nandita applied a bit of kajal to her eyes for two reasons; to hide her dark circles and to look enigmatically beautiful. She dried her hair with the blower and puffed it up slightly. Arranging her purse for a nice evening outside she unhooked the car keys and said to anyone who was listening; her father and mother were in the next room, "It's my promotion day and I'm going to treat myself..." as a last chance she peeked in the next room and said hesitatingly because she knew what the answer would be, "Anyone care to join me?" Her mother who was busy calling up friends for the party said, "Are you going so early?" She nodded and said, "Do you want to join me, mum?"

Her mother smiled gently and said, "Sorry honey, mum's got work to do... maybe next time!" that could be called breaking a heart with a buttered knife. She held back her emotions and said, "I've asked Anand babu not to make dinner for me tonight. I'll be eating outside today and I won't be back before 11." Nandita didn't even stop for a reply, she began stomping off the stairs when her mother came running, "Nandita! Our new neighbors were asking about you, it's still early for an evening out so...." She shut the door of the car with as much control as possible and said, "Thanks mum, I'll go meet them now and make quick work of that." Her mother said softly, "You'll feel better... I'm sorry honey." Nandita nodded and backed out into the evening with her car.

She parked her car outside and thought about her parents. Her father had no other work other than drinking. And her mother, it was all just social life and fashion. She walked with these things in mind to the next nearest house, it was across the street. Only its huge walls were visible from her house. The architect must have put lots of effort into making the house. It was beautiful. The pillars carved from the walls looked like the highlight of the front wall. Lost a bit in the architecture, she rang the bell. A few seconds later someone appeared at the door. Nandita checked herself, just in case. She plastered a smile on and managed a small 'Hi!'
She wondered how that evening would turn out...

"Uh... Hello!"

Obviously she was expecting to know who was at their door. Realizing that, Nandita said, extending her hand, "I'm Nandita... Nandita Das."

The lady's eyes shone with recognition. "Ah! Please come inside...."

Nandita wanted to say yes but she heard herself saying, "I guess you are busy with the unpacking and stuff..."

The lady who hadn't yet said her name continued insisting, "You must come. We'd love the company. I was just preparing some evening snacks."

Nandita felt herself being pulled inside by the lady. 'Maybe it wouldn't be as bad', thought Nandita. The lady talked about how beautiful that place was. How lucky she was to have settled here. Nandita seemingly forgot how sore her mood was. The door was like the rest of the house, ornately designed with modern art. Nandita heard a small baby's cry. It rang in her ears; she loved babies, their smiles and cries.

A male voice from inside came, "Natasha! Someone's crying for your attention." There was humor in that voice and care. "We have a guest, Viren!" they entered the house. There was bright light flooding the huge drawing room. The male voice was Natasha's husband. Natasha- Viren. And a one year old baby. Lucky folks.

Natasha said to her husband who looked on, the baby nestled in his arms, "Viren, this is Nandita, the Das's daughter."

He smiled and spoke politely, "Please, have a seat. Natasha, get us all a hot cup of coffee, please..." she glared mockingly at him so he said, "It's a beg!".

She cheered and gave a thumbs up sign and was about to turn when Nandita said, "No really, it's alright. I'm on an evening out so..."

Viren said urging Natasha to go on, "No... no... the coffee's for us, you'll just get your share." He laughed at his own joke and then motioned for Nandita to feel comfortable.

Nandita sat gracefully, taking care to avoid hitting any of the cartons lying around.

"Forgive the mess. We started unpacking some time ago...."

Nandita said with a wave of her hand, "Oh don't worry I see this all the time! Mostly in the houses on the outskirts." Somehow she was starting to like this family. Their openness and frankness made her comfortable. Natasha came in with a tray. On it were arranged beautifully designed tall cups and a bowl of chips. Modern art. With a dip of her head she placed the tray on the side table and worked her way to the sofa to sit next to Viren. The baby had quietened down and was now smiling at Nandita's attempts to make her laugh. Nandita said accepting the coffee from Natasha, "My parents said you had asked about me so I decided to drop in." She shrugged and said with a tight smile, "Sorry for not informing beforehand."

Natasha chimed in, "Hey! Neighbors don't have to give prior information, whatsoever!"

The coffee was really good. The chips were a formality, a hastily opened packet of 'Lays' decorated in a bowl. She had never served snacks to any of her friends... they had never come over... because every time she had wanted them to come over, her mother's friends were due to come. Alas! She wondered if she would ever get a chance to be a simple wife like Natasha- with a newly painted house and a husband and a baby... a family.

Viren was a wonderful host, he kept both the ladies and the baby entertained with his witty remarks and cool dude attitude.

"How is it going with your architecture? Your parents said you were really good in planning malls and museums. Um... I guess one of the Radiant Hindustan museums, the one in Pondicherry was designed by you..."

Interesting, did her parents tell them that? "No... no... it was a partnership thing...."

Natasha said softly, "You are just being humble Nandita...."

Time passed quickly with Natasha and Viren. It was almost 8:30 p.m. in Nandita's watch. Her evening out- alone, empty. "I'll take my leave, thanks for your time. You are welcome to my house... anytime." Nandita said. 'If mum's friends don't end up before you guys!' She waved to the baby and then smiling, left in her car. The couple waved back from the doorway as she left. Viren's arm was wrapped around his wife who held their baby. Ugh! Why was she thinking of them as a dream she had wanted, and not as the very normal people there.

As the Santro turned the corner and the Taj hotel came into view, she saw herself standing in the doorway of a beautiful house, smiling, with lipstick and a bindi (a small dot placed between the eyebrows), waving goodbye to her husband. Her husband was fair and handsome and was missing her as he left for office. A car horn from behind brought her back to the unwanted reality she was living in. Sighing, Nandita gave her keys to the valet who had come to park her car. She yanked out her purse from the glove compartment and strolled towards the hotel. The designs on the walls, on the pillars no longer mattered to her. All she saw was the road, the gravel which was beaten into place by the millions of Mumbai. Not one stone was out of place like the village roads. 'In cities,' she thought settling in a corner of the hotel on a table for two, 'one has to fit in the society, those who don't fit in, are kicked out like that loose stone on a highway road....'
Two hours and a hundred miserable thoughts later, Nandita left the hotel. She had ice-cream, salad and keeping her health in mind, fried rice. Nothing special for her special day.

Late that night Nandita sat by her table, working on the layout till 2: 30 a.m., she had to leave early next morning, for her new office.

"Nandita! Wait up...." Nandita was about to go up by the elevator when Aaradhna caught up with her. She said animatedly, "You know what! He gave me a gold bracelet! He said it marked the beginning of our friendship!"
"Hey wow! That's awesome..." Nandita looked at her friend's hand - the thin gold bracelet dangled beautifully. It had a small moon attached to it. She stared inquisitively when Aaradhna piped up, "He said he wanted to be the moon in my life. To give me light when no one could.... Nandita? Nandita... hey! What happened yaar?" Nandita shook her head. She knew hot tears bejeweled her eyes but there was nothing she could do to avoid them. She said a soft sorry and left for her new office.

FROM NOW ON IT'LL BE NANDITA'S (POINT OF VIEW):

I tried.
And I failed.
Wish I would have behaved properly with her. Poor thing, she's getting married... courtship... why should I trouble her? I won't. I don't have the right or even the heart to spoil her lovely moments.
Mum asked me for the salary today. I told her it had increased by 10,000. And she said in a laughing way that she needed the extra 10,000 of this month to buy a chandelier for the drawing room. Why? I don't mean that I don't want to give it to her. Whatever I earn is all hers. But still, such wasteful spending?

The carpet towards my office is beautiful. Violet. Hmm... there's a coffee stain near the corner. Someone must've spilled coffee over the corner and forged a friendship or a foe... when I don't talk, my mind talks. A bit too much. I keep talking to myself... is it because I'm feeling low? Probably.
The key is in my hand and there's nothing that can stop me from entering it but yet there's no happiness in me. Why am I so alone? Why?
As usual I'm enjoying my own pity party. The peon is looking at me with his squint gaze. God! I pushed open the door and walked inside the freshly painted room. There was a huge glass window behind the desk. All I have to do to get a better look of the town is swerve in my chair....

I submitted my project report after editing it a total of 3 times. Mr. Venugopal said that a new hotel was to be built in Khandala. Its construction would start within six months. Great! That'd be something to wait for. I've been to Khandala before. It's a very romantic place. But the roads and the scenery oh! It's all too beautiful. I've to start working for that project. It's a huge project.
Huge.
Like the world with us humans as tiny specks of emotional bundles. Why are we so chained to emotions? I wish....

I laid out the chart papers and observed the rough idea. Modifications were needed. A lot of modifications. And I had to call in the other architects, form a team, visit Khandala, and stay there for god knows how many days.... thinking about all this seemed to be a sweet break from reality. Yes... I would do my best for this hotel. As best as I could.
It was almost lunch time, I searched the floor below for Aaradhna. She was talking on the phone. Of course. My gaze went through the floor, I had stayed here for the past three years. And it was going to be a new beginning and all that came to my mind. Positive feelings. I'm not a negative person just that I've no one to tell my sadness. I want a friend. I should make one.

And immediately a picture of Natasha popped up in my head.
She was really very sweet. I wondered if she was a house wife.
Aaradhna joined me on the way to the cafeteria in a few minutes.
I asked her politely, "Hey, did you feel bad this morning?"
"Come on! Nandita, i'm your friend... you know you can talk to me...."
I just nodded and told her about my new neighbors and she kept nodding and once again got into the banter of the Hiranandani guy. God! I know her so well.
I returned home earlier than usual. Work was over fast. I saw Natasha locking the gate and hurrying outside. The baby, whose name I didn't know was crying in her arms.
I stopped my car next to her gate and asked, "Hello Natasha! What's up?"
Natasha looked worried, alright but why was she so upset?

"Hi Nandita, you see, last night Sasha had snuffles and a bit of cold. I tried everything but now she has indigestion and fever and ... oh! I'm just going to the clinic next lane."
I opened the door of the car and said, "Get in fast, I'll get you to the hospital straight. I know a pediatric friend there. Sasha will get better in no time."
I crossed my home and sped a few lanes away while Natasha calmed the baby down (whose name I now knew). A huge hospital stood there.
We rushed inside as fast as possible. I lead her towards the pediatric. The hospital staff knew me well. I was on the team which constructed the west block. A smile at the receptionist and she was handing me the registration forms.
Natasha dictated the details as I filled it up. She signed it, we got the registration card and rushed towards the doctor's cabin. I checked the queue for the head doctor, which was very long. So I took her to my friend, who was an assistant doctor. After a few minutes, we were inside and my friend was examining Sasha.

She said to Natasha, "There is nothing to worry. It's just a mild infection. Some hot water and keep her bundled up. Don't let her be cold. Here are the medicines...." my friend scribbled them and handed me the prescription. Sasha was feeling drowsy and Natasha was cooing her to sleep as we walked slowly towards the car.
"I don't know how to thank you...." she told me.
And I heard myself saying the age-old line- "what are friends for?"
I turned the heater on for Sasha and said, "That is one of the best hospitals around. And every time you need to get Sasha checked just take the registration card. Even the pharmacy is close by. You wait here, I'll get the medicines."
Natasha was about to say something but I silenced her by pointing to the baby. I closed the door softly and in five minutes I was back with the medicines. It felt so good to be helping her. To be a friend to someone.

I stopped at Natasha's house for them to get down and once again she dragged me inside the house. She told me that Viren was leaving for Canada for a business meet. And that she had to work on the unpacking and stuff.
"Do you need any help?"
She smiled and said to me before going to get the tea, "Nah! I'll manage it. And not much is left to unpack. Only the baby's room and the other small details."
We had tea and I left for my house. My face was shining with sweat and I looked down right flustered.
I didn't care to look at my mother's friends but stepped directly into the drawing room, and all those ladies were staring at me. No smiles. I bowed my head politely and continued with my steps. I reached my bed and flopped down.
I was tired and I fell asleep just after taking a bath. Dinner was a haze of colors in front of my eyes. Finally I fell asleep by 12 in the night.

'Thank you for helping us out. Thank you so much. Viren Natasha.
That was the first message I saw on my mobile. Which was followed by a bunch of others indicating that I was needed in the office. I slid deeper into the quilt as the alarm went off, ringing right next to my ear. Sighing, I proceeded towards the bathroom, very groggily brushed my teeth and took a quick shower.
My dresses were always a bit to the formal side, and today too it was a navy blue suit. My hair was messy, unusual. So I pulled it back into a pony, with half my hair wisping outside. Anyway, breakfast was eggs and bread. I avoided the butter of course. My heart felt heavy as I walked towards the car. Then I brightened up thinking about the Khandala project....

Two hours later, I was sitting in my office, the massive plans for Khandala right in front of me. There was a lot of work to be done and the joy pulsed through me, the joy of creation.
And all of a sudden I was filled with the spirit of a young child, and I ran around gathering the phone numbers of the assistants I was supposed to work with.
Perhaps I'll regret this day the most. I made a mistake- I left my mobile in my cabin.
And only returned in the evening, just before leaving for home....
I bade Aaradhna a nice evening out and climbed into the sophisticated interiors of my car. My mobile was ringing inside my purse. I left the key hanging and picked up the call....
"Hi Maa, what's up?" I half expected her to ask me to get her some things from the market.
"You'd best come home fast. There was an accident."

"Maa! Who? Where what happened?"
"Can't say, just come back fast." And she cut the line.
I checked my mobile, there were seven messages from my father to return home fast. Those messages had been coming from the afternoon. I know I was going freaking mad, but somewhere I was preparing to face the situation. I didn't know who to pray for. Papa and mumma were alright. I had absolutely no idea what was going on.
***
When I reached my home, people were moving in and out of the beautiful house I had so liked. Where a sweet family lived. Natasha's home.
I parked my car and ran inside the house and asked Anand babu what was going on.
"The lady of the neighboring house was killed in a car accident. She died on the spot. Poor thing. The baby was unhurt and is in the hospital...."

I picked up my purse and went to check on mum. People were still going in and getting out in a few numbers. Sasha. I prayed to God to keep her alright. I still had a lot of sense, and I knew i'd cry later for her. But for now I had to check on Sasha.
Mum was sitting with an old lady, she was probably Natasha's mother or mother-in-law. I took mum aside and asked her, "Maa.... what happened to the body? Where is Sasha? And where is Viren?"
Mother looked like she had cried. She replied in low tones, "Natasha was going to the market, and just when the car hit her, Sasha fell off her grip and on the road. The traffic police held the driver for rash driving, drunk driving. The traffic police handed the baby and Natasha's body over to the government hospital. Sasha is still there. Not much injured. Viren canceled his flight and went directly to the hospital. We're waiting for him to come back. With the body."
I had a sudden appreciation for my mother's calm. I analyzed what all she had said. And before I was out of the gates, my hands clutched the car keys from my purse.
***
In less than ten minutes I reached the hospital. I rushed to the receptionist and asked, "Hi! Can you tell me where is the baby who was brought in this morning, with her mother?"
The receptionist's eyes widened as she said hastily, "The S.V. road accident case?"
"Yes, yes!"
"The baby is in the pediatric ward, her father is with her. But the mother was a brought dead case."
I nodded and ran through the familiar ward. Only yesterday I was here with Natasha. Tears threatened to flow, but no, I had to check on Sasha and Viren. Control. Control.
I peered through the glass panes as I walked across the long department.
And I found them. Sasha sleeping in the cot and Viren was sitting slumped over the chair. A man stood near him trying in vain to explain.
I entered the room and stood by the bed. What should I say? What should I say?
"Viren, I'm so sorry."

He nodded in acknowledgment, of my presence or my condolence, I did not know.
The man near him fell silent and Viren stared at his sleeping daughter. She had a small bandage on her leg and one on her elbow. I said softly, "Viren... I think you should go to the house and... proceed with the... uh...". I stopped thinking about what to say.
He nodded again. The man who was probably his friend went out as he received a phone call. I said again, "Viren... go home. I'll take care of Sasha. Please. Come on. Let's get out of here. Sasha should get some proper sleep. And some food too. Lets go Viren. Please."
I hesitated at first, but then firmly picked up Sasha's bag, asked the nurse for the discharge sheet and promptly made Viren sign it. He was in a state of shock. Sasha stirred as I held her in my hands and cooed her back to sleep. Viren stared absent minded towards me. His eyes held sorrow and the expression of one who just realized he was lost. So totally lost.

I heard the other man making arrangements for the transport of Natasha's body. I winced at her name, even though I had taken it. I opened the back door of my car and asked Viren to get inside. He wasn't even talking. I laid Sasha carefully next to him and his hands automatically took her from there and into his lap. I started through the gates of the hospital. At a short distance, the friend was monitoring the transport of Natasha's body. Again I winced.

Viren held his daughter close and cried silently. Sasha's cotton dress soaked his tears. In the mirror I saw that he was sobbing softly, and his daughter who was awake said nothing or made no effort to stop him. Best that he cry. Better than being so shocked. I felt a lump in my throat. I still had to get to their house and take care of Sasha. I don't know why I had this urge to protect Sasha from all the aunties in their house. Maybe because I was never good at being comfortable with them.
I stopped the car a few blocks before the house where we were supposed to go.
"Viren, get a hold on yourself. There are many people at your house."
He said softly, "I don't want to go their. I don't want to see her... her face this way. I want to remember her the way I saw her before leaving the house."
I sighed and said, "But Viren, you've to face it. Accept it. Please. Do you want me to wait or shall we go to your house."

His attitude was like a child. Like he wasn't in the correct sense of mind, "But I don't want to go there.... there are too many people there."
"It's alright to say that you don't want to go there. But see, the faster you get it over with it, the faster all those people will go."
He said in the same tone, "But I want to be alone. I don't want to meet all those people. I don't know anyone among them other than perhaps your family. And three of my friends are there but how will I manage? She was the social one...."
And again he broke into tears.
I told him firmly, "Listen Viren, this is not a social party. Everybody's going to understand. Just stay there. I'll take care of Sasha for you. And don't worry. Everything will be alright. In three days time you'll be just fine. I know Natasha would also do the same. Just know that you've a daughter who knows nothing of this wicked world and its charms. For her Viren, please be strong. Please."
I think we sat in the car for a long time with only Sasha's babbles to show that time hadn't stopped, but was moving on, and on.

Viren was much in control of his head by the time we reached their house. My mother was offering water or tea to the people there. Viren went over and thanked her politely. My father and some of his friends were sitting around the body, which had arrived while I was waiting in the car.
Some people were sniffling while others were whispering to each other. I didn't feel like going near her body. At least I could have the privilege Viren couldn't. I didn't have to remember her in the horrible shape she was now. I would remember her as the sweet lady who made me feel worth a lot just because I helped her.
Before leaving the hall, I whispered a silent farewell to my friend promising her I'd take care of her daughter.
Goodbye Natasha. You will be missed.
And I didn't see her after that.

I stepped towards the kitchen where I found Viren looking around, I don't know for what though. I walked up to him and took Sasha from his hands; she was pretty well adjusted to me, and luckily came to me easily. Viren said in a voice meant for no one else's ears, "I don't want Sasha in the presence of so many people. Get her out of here. I will manage these people. And then I'll take her back. Sorry for the inconvenience."
I snapped back immediately, "I'm your friend," but then remembering his condition I continued a bit politely, "I mean you don't have to worry. I'll take care of her. And I'll be in and out your back door if I need anything. Now go get changed."
My mother and some of her friends were looking suspiciously at us. Mum came up to me after he left and I too was about to go to the kitchen. She said to me in a weird way, "What did he tell you?"
"Nothing, I just told him that I would take care of Sasha for him till all this gets over."
My mum nodded and went back. She reported her findings to the inquisitive ladies and I felt a pang of anger, but Sasha's hand on my neck reminded me she must be hungry.
***
The kitchen was beautiful. My architect head got the better of my sorrowful heart and I relaxed a bit, letting my mind take over for a while. I spoke softly to Sasha and she looked at me with her baby eyes as if she understood everything. Meanwhile I got busy filling a teddy printed bag with Sasha's food and stuff, two milk bottles, one big flask of boiled water, and some other stuff. But all I knew was I had to take care of her as best as I could.
"Oh! You're in here...." I heard Viren exclaim. He had changed and was looking fresh, minus the puffy face of course.
"May I take Sasha out? I've got her supplies with me. I'll be back in a few hours."
Viren nodded and said, "Sure. Be careful. She had cold yesterday. Don't let her catch it again. Take care, and Nandita, thank you so much."

I picked up the teddy bag and walked out of the back door towards my car. Sasha was babbling about how we were to sit in the car and she went on asking about her teddy bear. I asked a servant of their house to get it down for her. After he got the teddy, Sasha and I went off to the mall. I just felt that she would be distracted by the things there. I didn't feel all that tired.
Somehow, I admired Viren's calm. I knew he would be upset if left alone. But there was nothing much I could do. The most I could do was take care of Sasha till the place had calmed down. I tried my level best to keep Nandita out of my head. Her desperate eyes when Sasha had been ill. I remembered the way that family had treated me so well when I went to meet them. And now that same family was shattered.

I looked at Sasha who was thrashing two small toys together. Her chubby cheeks were paler than usual. But she seemed sound other than that. As I stopped the car at the traffic signal, I looked at her. Little did she know what she had lost. How would she manage? And her mother was so nice to her. Tears came to my eyes. I loved my mother no matter what. But still, losing your mother at this young age was bad. It must be worse for Viren. I wondered how things were going there.
We reached the mall in less than half an hour. I parked the car, grabbed my purse and stuffed it into Sasha's baby bag. The valet, seeing I had parked my car left with a bow. I gently picked up Sasha and got out of the car. Is this what it felt to hold your child?
No.... this wasn't my child. It was Nandita's child. And Viren's child.
Not mine.

I wished I could be a mother. I wish I could hold babies like that. I wish I could smile like Nandita.
It wasn't jealousy. Just despair at having to live the way I did. All I ever did was work and work and work more. Because I didn't feel like belonging. Maybe because I didn't want to belong.
A thought came to my mind... what if I had met with the accident instead of Nandita. A daughter. A mother. A lover.
And I felt sorry for Viren. Yet there was nothing I could do. This helplessness. I didn't like it.
Sasha's mumbles pulled me out of the vicious cycle of despair. She pointed at her fallen toy keys. I held her tightly and bent to get it. I realized how much effort that little bend took. Holding the baby and doing anything else. I washed it under the tap from the cafe and gave it back to Sasha. She jingled it all the way to the kids' section. Once there I went with her to let her enjoy. Had Natasha planned on bringing her here? To show this maze of colors to her. Or to just spend some time with her daughter?

We had a snack in between and I held her in my lap feeding her with newborn affection. I was so lost in this world. There was so much I felt in that one day. So much.
I was also relaxed. My work at office didn't bother me at all. All I saw was Sasha's smiles and her lost looks when she tried to look for someone.
Her mother?
I hugged her when we were leaving the place and whispered softly in her ear, "Your mumma will always be with you. Don't worry. She's here at this very moment. For you. With you."
A tear escaped my eye. Perhaps she didn't understand what I had said. But I hoped the message was conveyed.

CHAPTER 6:

I woke up very early the next day. My eyes hurt. I had been crying at night. I wasn't even that attached to her... Natasha. Maybe I was crying for Sasha and Viren.
I called Aaradhna to tell her about yesterday. She seemed excited... it had become the normal expression for her. She told me about the date for engagement. And I congratulated her non heartily. She could feel the sadness in my voice.
I visited Viren before going to office. They were all getting ready for the funeral. I didn't want to attend it. Sasha was being pampered by the aunties. I wished with great intensity to steal that baby from them. But sadly, I could not. And I left for office.

Isn't that very insensitive of me? My mind went on rambling about a million things while I drove rather sluggishly to office. I hadn't checked myself in the mirror properly before going. I took the liberty in the elevator where I combed my hair quickly and wiped my face with a wet tissue. By the time I reached, with my puffy face and dull look, I had scared half the staff into not coming any closer to me. Aaradhna followed me to my office and took my bag from my hand and put it on the couch.
"Nandita... you shouldn't have come..."
"I... I didn't know what to do there... the funeral... Sasha... I didn't want them to... what the hell am I supposed to do?" My shoulders shook as Aaradhna patted my back.
I pushed images of my neighbors from my head.
I had cried enough on my friend.
It was as if I wasn't crying for them, but the pent up frustrations I had in me too.
"Why don't we go shopping? Girls' night out?"
Aaradhna tried to cheer me up. I nodded slowly and pulled out a napkin from a box. Even the tissues were running out. I really did need to go shopping. Both for my office and home.

Aaradhna left after promising to go shopping after office. The Khandala project lay in front of me. I had to set a date for the meeting with the owner, Aman. I checked the calendar and set a date a week away.
I pushed in the drawer and grabbed the office phone.
After two rings, a voice answered the phone, "Hello...?"
"This is Nandita Das, can I please talk to uh... Mr. Aman...?"
"Yeah, speaking."
"Hi... I'm the architect of your Khandala plot... would it be a bother, if we meet to discuss the layout etc?"
"Would you mind if I call you back in sometime?"
"Yeah sure...."
The line at the other end crackled and Aman replied, "Alright Nandita... I'll call you back after dinner. Would it be alright with you?"
"Yes that'd be fine. Bye."
"Bye."
The lack of enthusiasm and the irritation I felt resounded when I gritted my teeth. Now I'll have to wait for after dinner to fix the meeting.

"Nandita, you ready?"
Aaradhna stepped into my room just as I was getting ready to leave the office.
"Yeah... I'll drive and drop you to your house...."
"Nandita, I was thinking of introducing my best friend to my fiancée. Would you mind meeting him?"
I couldn't stop the smile, it just came naturally, "The Hiranandani guy?"
She nodded shyly and said, "He asked me to bring you over for dinner at the Centaur."
"Centaur! Wow... hmm... I'll ask mum and message Viren if they need anything from the mall and get going. Let's go."
I backed my car out of the parking and waited for Aaradhna to get in.
We got down at the mall. I called my mother, "Maa, I'm out for the evening... yeah, dinner will be outside... do you want something from the mall?"

Next I texted Viren... I wondered if he would check his mobile.
'Me at mall. Message me all that you need, I'll get it after dinner.'
We plunged into the crowded mall and stashed things into the trolley. Aaradhna threw in a dozen tissue papers into my trolley. I stood in the kids' section and wondered if it'd be appropriate for me to take something for Sasha.
Aaradhna dragged me to the bridal wear section. My heart was crying for the dresses there. When would any of that adorn me?
The red of the material and the beautiful golden embroidery beckoned me and it drove me crazy to not be in Aaradhna's place. Time and again, Sasha's sleeping face swam in my mind. She must be lonely... was Viren alright?

We shopped around for a bit more and headed for the Centaur. I slipped into the washroom while Aaradhna waited for her fiancée.
I wiped off the kajal and reapplied it properly. A finishing touch with a lip gloss did just fine. I had to talk to Mr. Aman for the project, and once the date was finalized, send the dates and the schedule to Mr. Venugopal. Work. It kept me distracted. The Khandala project was indeed turning up at a good time, I needed a break from this place.
Was I feeling guilty for thinking of leaving Sasha behind for a week, wouldn't she be lonely?
The flush from one of the toilets brought me back to reality. I hurried back to see Aaradhna sitting hand in hand with a handsome, fair, and 27 something guy. They looked good together. I said a small prayer for the two of them and graciously walked up to them.
Aaradhna was flashing her sweetest smile and with blushing cheeks she introduced me to Sameer Bharadwaj, -'Sam'.

I introduced myself wondering if I should start using Nans or Nandi or some other apparently cool sounding abbreviation for my very traditional sounding name.... Nandita... I liked the way it sounded. My name.
'Sam' and Aaradhna were very polite to me, it was so obvious, the way they were peeking at each other and suppressing their huge love filled smiles. I felt... loveless. Well, when have I not pitied myself for that?
The waiter arrived with our order. It was delicious. The chat was for me to know who was this stranger marrying my best friend.
"So... Sam!" I said, trying not to irk myself unreasonably by the acronym, "I think you owe me a proper bio data considering you're going to steal my best friend from me and my likes...."

He laughed softly and Aaradhna looked on proudly, if I might add. I'm being such a hateful, scornful person, is what you are probably thinking.... think as you wish, I won't ask you to stand in my shitty shoes and understand me.
"Well.... the only thing you actually need to know is that I really truly love Aaradhna and I will not be able to live if she is not by my side.... the other aspects, you can ask from Aaradhna."
I nodded as Aaradhna took her cue and began, "Sameer is the vice president of Bharat Textiles, he resides in Mumbai in the rains and winters and runs off to Pune in the summers. Both of us hadn't expected that a match made by our parents would actually work."
"Wonderful! It's all so perfect...."

"Not really," Sameer said, "I wasn't sure initially, and I refused the proposal but I met Aaradhna accidentally and we realized fate had brought us to the same party, partnerless and knowing only each other in the gathering who appeared free, we danced away our worries and ended up exchanging numbers by the time we parted. Followed immediately by a six hour phone call. Then more and more phone calls consecutively leading to more and more meetings and dates and finally we refused all other proposals for each other... yeah... that's the twisted story to the same story which would have been had we accepted each other in the first place...."

I said with reverence, with respect to fate, "The magic you both share wouldn't have been the same...."
Aaradhna nodded. The evening seemed to get more and more interesting by the hour. We waited for desert.
"It's my life! I know it's now or neve...."
My phone sang wildly in my purse, I pressed the speaker of my mobile and stood up hurriedly, "It's the client for the Khandala project, I've to take this call.... excuse me!"
I heard Aaradhna as I ran towards the balcony, "That project will be a good break for her...."

The cool air in the balcony chilled my bare arms. I sat facing the world, with my back towards the balcony door.
"Yeah... Mr. Aman? I'm sorry for the delay! I was with some friends..."
"Oh! Hello Nandita... I myself needed the time to get out.... good evening!"
What was he doing? I pointedly called him Mr. Aman and he called me Nandita as if we were some friends from college. As if he was some hot shot rich brat!
"Good evening sir, we need to decide the date for the meeting, to finalize the details...."
"Ah yes, how about..." someone walked into the balcony.
"...This Saturday?" the voice was on the phone as well as the voice behind me seemed to come from the same person. He also stopped talking as did I to take a look at the other person in the balcony.
It was none other than a hot shot rich brat, with an askew tie and ruffled hair and tired eyes.

CHAPTER 7:

"Nandita?"
"Mr.Aman?"
"Please... it's Aman, a pleasure to meet you!"
He extended a hand towards me. He wore two rings and both were diamond studded. I pumped his hand once and let my hand dangle. I was growing cautious of the fact that the person in front was incredibly cute. In a high school kind of way.
"Nandita Das, the architect for your Khandala plot."
He nodded and settled against the wall of the balcony. His questioning eyes wondered if I were going to join him or not.
"So... shall we discuss the plan for the project later or..."

He said with a gentle smile, "I'm free as of now, I wouldn't mind if I were to call you again...."
I said as politely as I could, he was a client I didn't want to lose. The project's location was way too appealing, "If you'll excuse me, I'll ask my friends to go on without me...."
"Oh no... not at all.... please join your friends, we can talk later...."
I smiled and said before walking off back to the table, "I was here to meet my friend and her fiancée. You know how these things are, I best leave them alone...."
He dipped his head in acknowledgment that he too was aware how 'these' things are and I left.

"So you'll reach home safe?" Aaradhna's worrywart antiques were in play as she felt guilty about leaving me here.
"I have a client to take care of, and I have my car, I'll talk to you about my future 'jeeju' at night, of course only if your phone will be free."
We laughed and I bade them goodbye. Loving couple going for a ride along the beach....
I jumped into work mode, bagged a scribbling pad from the staff and met Aman outside, he was staring pensively at the sky.
He offered me a chair and I sat down, my purse sat on the table.
"Nandita... do you know the irony of life?"
I thought to myself- Hell yeah! Every day, smarty pants! I know it way better than you.
What he said next sobered me up, ok. I didn't know irony as well as he knew at least at the moment.

"You came here to meet the engaged... and I came here to break my engagement."
I wondered if he was simply hitting on me or not, he seemed genuine. My eyes were tricking me perhaps... the desperation was getting to me.... I laughed internally at the whim of my jokes.
"It's alright... you know you've got to move on."
"Please don't think I'm hitting on you! I just... I just need to get myself back on track!"
"If today is not a good time, we could always meet some time else."
"No... Work keeps me alive. Can you tell me the overall preparations, so you'll be able to supervise the project as soon as you go there?"
I drew the rough print and explained it to him. An hour later, we sat in the balcony thinking how beautiful the hotel would eventually turn out, a bowl fruits and ice creams in front of both of us. It was a thank you for staying on and getting him out of depression immediately after he broke up with his lover of seven months. I wondered how a girl could dump him. Oh and by the way... the two rings were the engagement rings, one his, the other was the one which was left on the table by the girl who dumped him. Sad. Ironic.

Aman was overly polite and seemed embarrassed about him being open with a complete stranger like me.
I said as we strolled down the parking lot, "If it would appease you, I will keep this meeting official omitting the personal details you shared with me. I understand you are a human being, just like me. So, shall I register myself at your Jal hotel? For the next week? I have to submit the applications for the tour."
"Sure... and thanks about keeping the uh... private stuff to yourself. Alright, then I'll pick you up from your house, Saturday morning? Alright?"
I nodded and thought that I wasn't the only one going, two other architects, one a junior and another a renowned one were coming along to.
The hot shot rich brat was feeling low, I felt for him but somehow, in spite of trying, I couldn't bring myself to flirt with him... probably because of his broken engagement.

I drove home, the city that never sleeps, really never sleeps. The couples along the road, the fast pace of the people running to the stations. The machine of the mind whirring, without knowing what the next second held, a bomb blast? That fateful meeting with your love? An accident that would leave you limbless? Or the death you have so long been waiting for.... my thoughts were negative. I hoped for the trip to be a successful one. Something which would make me happy. I wanted to be happy....
Should I stop feeling happy, maybe then I wouldn't feel sad... na... I had tried that before, it just shows you the depths of misery.
I grabbed my mobile and was about to turn towards the road leading to my house when I saw-

'Please get a few packets of diapers for Sasha. Thank you, Viren.'
I sped back to the closest 24 hour pharmacy, and purchased seven large packets of diaper packets for Sasha. More so out of guilt than out of help. I should have seen my mobile sooner.
It was 11.30 in the night. The light in the main hall was dim, I saw from the entrance. People still went inside and outside.
I carried the packets inside as discreetly as I could. Quietly I slipped into the kitchen and from there began looking for Viren. He was sitting in the farthest corner, his daughter sleeping in his lap. My heart clenched in me and I wanted to hold Sasha and put her to sleep in a quiet room with a soft bed. I stood in the kitchen for a while, not knowing what to do.

Viren spotted me turning this side and that.
I asked awkwardly, "Are you alright?"
He nodded and mumbled a thank you for the diapers.
"Shall I put Sasha to bed?"
He nodded and allowed me to take Sasha from his arms. I had only seen how to change diapers.... but I wanted the baby to be safe. Viren was also of concern but I had no idea what to tell him.
"... Thank you Nandita..."
I patted his arm gently and led him back to the drawing room.
After giving a warm bath to Sasha who was semi asleep, I put her to sleep and cleaned the room, arranged the water and toys in the room. Viren had laid a mattress on the floor by Sasha's bed. A photo of Natasha's peeped from under the pillow. I couldn't stop crying. For her, for her baby and for the forlorn man sitting downstairs.

CHAPTER 8:

"Nandita... where are you going for the weekend?" mother asked inquisitively.
"I've to go to Khandala for a project... I'll be staying there for a week."
My head was filled with thoughts about the plans I had for taking a break from my life in that one week.
"Can't you go some other time? Your father's brother and his family are coming over, won't you stay?"
I lied not feeling one bit guilty for leaving when relatives were coming over. I feared going insane if I didn't go on this trip.
"No Ma.... I've to go for the project. I need to go. I'll be back in a week."
Mother opened her mouth to implore her further, but seeing the tired look in her daughter's eyes she let go.
I left from office early that day.

I decided to check on Sasha before going home. Parking the car under a tree, I walked briskly along the path to their house.
The bell rang twice before Viren opened the door.
"Oh... hi Nandita..."
"I came to see Sasha."
"Go ahead, she's just waking up."
I left my purse on the dining table and went to look for Sasha. Sasha was turning this side and that, like the sun was dawning. She was a lively bundle of love. Hopefully, enough to keep Viren alive.
I turned to see Viren in his white pants and a white kurta slouched in the corridor.
"Viren, did you have breakfast?"
He shook his head honestly.
"Dinner?"

He again shook his head.
I picked Sasha in my arms and cooing to the baby walked to the basin to get Sasha ready for filling her tummy.
"Viren... I'm boiling milk for Sasha... would you like coffee?"
He nodded, still in the same position. His stubble was giving him a depressed look. Suited the moment. I wondered how long it took a man to get over his lovely beautiful but dead wife. It had already been more than a week. I was leaving tomorrow morning for the project, and the state of affairs being such wouldn't let her rest or take a break from life here.
Sasha was babbling constantly and I chatted with her playfully, trying to not let her show that her mother was missing. But Sasha's eyes were always searching.
Viren dragged himself to a chair and slumped in it, his head in his hands and elbows on the table.

"Viren... would you like sugar in your coffee?"
Another nod and I would have to shake him roughly to tell him that he had a daughter who needed his care.
"... Nandi... Nandita?"
"Hmm?" I asked careful not to let him hurt in any way. To handle the situation as best as possible. I think I had heard he hadn't cried much. That he had gone into a state of shock followed by acceptance and depression.
"Natasha was praising you the night before she... thanking god for you being there the moment when she wanted to go to get the medicines."
"I know. She thanked me enough...."
There was a silence that seemed to stretch forever before he broke it with one awkward question.
"Shall I live on or not?"

I nodded as if for a scientific doubt and answered him.
"I think you should, not only for Sasha but for yourself. Because, you can't leave her blood helpless."
I wondered if my words healed or wounded.
"I... I wanted to die, but Sasha wants to live, because she can still smile. And she does not know...." he broke down into sobs.
I wheeled around with Sasha contently feeding from the bottle. Placing Sasha in the high chair and I sat opposite him with the two coffee mugs.
"Viren, even if she does not say it, she knows her mother is not near her.... did you notice she keeps searching for someone all the time...."
"Maybe... she cries all through the night, and I don't know how to handle it! Why...." sobs and tears falling on the polished table, "How could she leave me so soon? Wasn't I supposed to die first?"

I pushed the mug towards him and said softly, "I can do little help by answering those questions, I do not know the answers Viren. But you, I am not asking you to forget it all and move on, I'm simply a human being asking another human being to not grieve for the heart. That your happiness and your happiness alone will let her rest in peace. How will she rest if you... don't move on?"
"I will... she believed in me, believed that I was strong but the strength was sourced from her. How shall I be strong? I wish I would have died instead of her...."
I placed my mug on the table noisily and said imperatively, "Would you have her grieving for you the way you're doing now?"
He shook his head.

"Then learn to gather your broken pieces and stand up. Because you're the only one who can make you stand and there are people who are willing to support you through and through. The world is waiting Viren! Its waiting for you to show up, with her in your memories her strength in your heart. Get up! Move Viren! Your daughter is as sad as you, but look at her! She's way stronger than her."
He stilled for a few minutes and said very slowly to Sasha, "I'm being a poor dad, aren't I darling?"
Sasha cocked her head to one side and smiled. Viren smiled back mildly.
"Let's see if Natasha's strength can bring me back to life. Shall I show you her strength?"
I didn't quite understand what he meant, but cleared up when I saw him shuffle to his daughter and said, "Sasha... daddy will take care of you.... I'll try... you know, I really will. And if I ever fail, you don't fail me...."
I looked on as the father daughter conversed with each other, each promising to support the other.

Viren said after he had refreshed and returned to find me still in the kitchen cum hall playing with Sasha, "I'm sorry, you disturbed your routine for us?"
"I've accumulated a year's worth of leaves. I'll help out today. Tomorrow I'm leaving for Khandala for a new project, so I won't be able to see Sasha for a week."
Viren nodded and sat on his chair again.
"Nandita? Why do you like Sasha so much?"
"It's a silent promise to Natasha. I don't know about her, but she was the only one other than my colleagues that I knew, and we were becoming good friends. So it's obvious that I look after Sasha, and I love Sasha loads and heaps, isn't it baby?" I patted the girl's head and the baby chuckled immediately.

Viren was making some calls to his relatives to thank them for their support while I bathed Sasha and set the dinner preparations rolling. Neither I nor Viren had much regard for troublesome traditions like not cooking in the house etc.
I prepared dinner for the two of them and said politely, looking ready to leave, "Sasha has her milk bottles in the refrigerator. The food is on the table. If I find it not all gone, I'll personally see to it that you're put on IV lines and glucose."
He smiled softly and thanked me, "thank you so much, I'll try to finish it off... but why are you not having dinner with us?"
"I've to report to my second office, my laptop. My client will be calling today to confirm the schedule.... I have to go. I'll see you after a week, alright?"
"Sasha would like that. Thank you once again Nandita. It is very kind of you."

"Na! I want to help out. I like playing with Sasha, she's like my link to happiness."
Viren didn't miss the glint of sadness her world without the baby's laughter held, her office life and outside, it must all be tiring for her to feel gloomy about it.
He heard the sound of a car backing away and racing off.
He said to Sasha who was asleep on the sofa, bundled clumsily in blankets, "Sasha... she's very kind to us both but herself looks forlorn doesn't she? God bless such wonderful people. Natasha, you would have been a very good friend to her, she seems depressed about something.... look who's talking. Sigh... Natasha, it wasn't fair of you to leave me that way... but I... I'll try to accept and change things, I'll try, for our daughter. I really will."

The next morning, I came to see Viren and Sasha working on the preparation of a homemade swing for Sasha.
"We got it today! I ordered it on TV... yesterday...."
I nodded appreciatively and went to the kitchen, the vessels were washed and the dustbin showed no signs of gulping down human food.
Viren's voice called out to her, "The dinner was wonderful.... I'm going to try to eat the icky noodles Natasha liked so much- maggi for today. I'll add a few vegetables though."
I said thoughtfully, "alright, but don't give much... it'll end up in a state of constipation. I'm in a terrible hurry for now, so," I bent and kissed Sasha on the forehead and smiled at Viren, "I'll be taking my leave. Take care...."
"Have a nice trip!"
I nodded and exited the door at which once Natasha had stood waving.

CHAPTER 9:

NANDITA'S POV:
The trees were a blur as Aman's car zoomed past them. Aman had come to pick me up in his 'Ford Ikon'. I had politely kept my air bag in the back and the handbag sat in my lap.
"I think it will take us another hour to reach...." Aman said while checking the rear view mirror.
I nodded, for some reason, I was feeling ,more at ease with him as time passed. But the nagging worry about Viren and Sasha never left my head. I glanced at the driver sitting in the back seat, trying to be as invisible as possible.
After a while I whispered to Aman who was sitting next to me and driving, "Why is your driver in the passenger seat?"
"That's cause I love long drives.... you know, it takes my mind off things."

I nodded and continued staring at the endless beauty of the view in front. I still felt like calling Viren and asking him about the situation back at home, under the pretext of asking about Sasha.
"Something on your mind?"
Aman's voice was a gentle tinker in my whirlpool of thoughts.
I replied with a laugh, "I do have a mind... so technically I will have something on my mind all the time... I'm sure you do too..."
He laughed and then sobered up.
I looked sideways to see him looking sideways too.
I passed a nervous smile and tried to concentrate on being a good, unobtrusive passenger.

The one week in Khandala was wonderful. While I worked tediously with the other three architects and supervised the infrastructure planning, Aman loitered around the plot the whole day, jobless but enjoying himself every bit. I spent a lot of time with him. As friends. I wonder if I should think of myself as a failure in making the potent relationship into something I would have wanted. Maybe not.
The day we were to leave for Mumbai again, we sat lazing away by the fountains of the Jal, a hotel that was also owned by Aman.
I folded my knees and hugged them. He sat opposite me and stared at me, in a manner I had become accustomed to. I knew he had some sort of feelings for me. after all I was the female he met after having broken up with his lover.

"Nandita... shall I tell you something very frankly?"
"Hmmm...?" I inquired, relaxing in the cool breeze.
"I like you a lot. But I will not ask you to be someone more than a friend to me...."
I simply smiled and said, "I appreciate your understanding of a girl's heart...."
He chuckled deeply and said, "I wonder if that was a compliment or a sarcastic remark.... I thought you would find me as interesting as I find you... for some reason, your friend Viren seems to be on your mind more than you know...."
I protested weakly, "I am worried more about his daughter you know! Sasha is very comfortable with me... and I really want to see Viren stand up and walk."
"Walk? Where to Nandita? Does he have a destination? No one to love, no one to share his now incomplete life with. Where do you think that will leave him?"

I stared silently at the grass at my feet. What he said made sense. I was too desperate for my own good. And I also knew I had a liking for the widower of a few weeks. Perhaps knowing that I wouldn't ever get my feelings returned, or that how lowly of me to even think of falling in love with a man who had just lost his wife.
My desperation tore at me. the shame, the guilt of trying to deceive myself.
There was a hand on my head.
I looked up, it was Aman's.
He was sitting on his haunches with a sad smile gracing his cute face.

"Do what you must. Listen to your heart sometimes. It might hurt, but it gives more happiness. I'm not the right person to wipe away these tears. However if someday you need someone to wipe these tears for you, you know I'll be there, as your friend, nothing more, nothing less either. I'll see you tomorrow morning...."
Aman left me with my head in my hands. The words that I couldn't tell myself were so easily spelled by a friend. It was almost a wonder. But it wasn't like I was in love with Viren. I was simply trying to be of help.
I wondered who was being fooled.

I returned to Mumbai, same seat, same car, but with a clearer mind. We laughed throughout the way. This time the renowned architect was with us and he was a great company.
I reached home by early evening. I checked on Viren and Sasha first.
Viren was sitting on a rocking chair with a faraway look in his eyes. When he heard the bell ring and saw me standing outside, he picked up a newspaper and threw it on the chair.
Was he doing it for my sake, so I wouldn't know that he had been upset?
I didn't feel like interrupting him.

Viren stood at the door.
I waved a small hi and left.
Was I mad at him for trying to show me that he was not upset, I hadn't commanded him to keep a happy face for me in spite of his wife's death....
Late that night my mobile beeped as I unpacked my clothes from the trip.
It was a message from Viren-
'Hope you had a productive trip. Sasha missed you loads. Thank you for seeing us."
Ah... I felt guilty for having doubted him of anything at all. it would be better to go see them again, maybe tomorrow morning.

"Ma! I'm leaving for office."
"Alright, make sure you return by 5 today, some of my friends are coming to meet me from Pune."
"I'll try...."
I wanted to try to do overtime today.

CHAPTER 10:

NANDITA'S POV:
"Nandita... aren't you missing your office?"
The question I feared surfaced after two weeks of me not going to office.
The question was from Viren and not my family members because I had informed Aaradhna that I was on sick leave and so my parents didn't know I wasn't going to office.
Viren knew about it, because I used to drop by his house in the morning and playhouse with Sasha while Viren went to office. He didn't mind but was worried about me being fired. I was in a private company after all.
"That's alright, I have lots of leaves accumulated and I like playing with Sasha."
"Nandita, I.... Thanks for taking care of us. Don't take a very long vacation; it will be harmful for your career."

I nodded and continued playing with Sasha. He seemed regretful of something.
I said softly, "Viren if there is anything you want to tell me, please go ahead."
He sat on the sofa and spoke slowly, "Nandita, I'm going to Canada for six months. And I will have to take Sasha with me. I wanted to tell this earlier. But I found it very difficult considering how attached I'm... I mean Sasha is to you."
I looked at Sasha's clapping hands, did I catch a hint of something?
Probably not.
There was a silence that seemed to stretch on to ages before I finally broke it.
"When are you leaving?"
"Day after tomorrow, early morning."

I nodded and gathered Sasha possessively in my arms, she fit there so perfectly. The way her tiny arms clung to my neck as I stood to leave her in her room.
"I will join office the day after tomorrow. Give me one last day with your daughter, she has become the solitary source of my happiness."
I saw him nod. His eyes never meeting mine.
Sasha giggled as we waved; Viren left for office. He was the managing director of a good company, and he needed to go to office regularly. I was the architect of a rich man's hotel, I too needed to go regularly, but I didn't want to be anywhere away from Sasha, or maybe even Viren.
Had he grown attached to me as well?
I took Sasha to her room with tears in my eyes. I wondered if this was the last time I would see them again. I was playing house in a broken home. What good had it done?
Maybe returning for a whole day tomorrow wasn't such a good idea.
I would leave after lunch. While Sasha played with her expensive toys, I watched from a corner with tears in my eyes.

That night I messaged Aman.
'Hi, Nandita here... do you need me to supervise the Khandala plot directly, I would be more than willing to go'
A few minutes later he replied, 'So you need to get out of your life again?'
'I think....'
'Then let's go to Khandala together...'
'Are you hitting on me?'
'Big time!'
'yeah sure, like I would believe that!'
He messaged to my relief, 'Kidding dear FRIEND. Just thought it'll coincide with my trip. I'm leaving tomorrow evening. You want to come with me, or will you join me later?'
I messaged without hesitation, 'I'll go with you.'
'Tomorrow afternoon it is then?'
'Done.'

'May I ask the reason for your troubles my lady?'
I had already started feeling better. My mood had elevated slightly when I had seen Aaradhna's wedding card in the mail. I happily messaged back-
'Maybe I need to get over my obsession for my neighbor.'
'How will the trip help? Unless of course you are planning to use me as the vehicle to move forward, but I doubt that, you're barely interested in me that way....'
I typed in as I walked around the room, beginning the packing.
'The object of my obsession is leaving for Canada, and so I decided it will be best if I don't get to see the house that reminds me of him and his daughter.'

He messaged back with a devil smiley attached, 'You girls are wicked....'
'Never said I'm not, you know!'
'Alright Nandita... I'll pick you up tomorrow, hope we can solve your problems over our stay in Khandala. So... is that it for today?'
I replied back, filled with gratitude for Aman's friendship.
'You're a too good friend. Thank you for bailing me out of a sad situation.'
'LO! And here I thought I was your friend.... I don't take thanks from my friends....'
'Alright.... goodnight Aman, thanks anyway'
'Some people never learn, do they? See you tomorrow, night.'

The next day, I stood in the drawing room of Viren's house. He was on leave. I wondered why.
"What? You're leaving for Khandala now?" he asked incredulous.
I nodded and combed Sasha's hair once again. Making two neat plaits for her I set her down. She clung to my jeans. That is why I hate goodbyes.
Viren jammed a hand through his hair and then shrugged.
I said softly, "Take care, both of you. And if possible, keep in touch. I will mail you sometimes. And send pictures of Sasha."
I picked her up once again, more to get as much of her baby softness than to prevent tears from seeing her clinging to me like that.
Viren stood stiffly with a smile, his face looked rather artificial, I wondered if he knew that I was noticing these things about him.
It was time for me to leave.

Sasha stared at me as I left; she thought it was normal, maybe. Viren stood there. I wanted him to say something, anything. When I hadn't, why would he?
I turned once and asked from a distance, "Why did you take a leave today?"
His answer left me confused and wondering all the way to Khandala, even as I described what all I had felt when with Sasha to Aman.
His voice repeated itself again and again in my ears as if I wanted to hear the next part of what he said but couldn't.
"I'll let you know the answer to that if I see you again...."

CHAPTER 11:

SIX MONTHS LATER:
"Congratulations! I can't believe you are really leaving for Australia. This is so good.... but you do know that you're leaving me behind..."
The look in my eyes was both happy and sad. Aaradhna was leaving for Australia, with her husband. The marriage was beautiful. And when her husband had asked her to relocate with him to Australia, she had happily agreed and even got a job with his company.
Every time I looked at her and her husband I was reminded of the mild feelings which I had for Viren.

Somehow, he was still in my mind And Aman... he had been a friend I didn't think I could have. I had come to bid farewell to Aaradhna.
She would be gone and I would be left in my department which was now handling projects that Aman's company wanted. So he was a client as well as a very good friend.
I was unable to even think of him as a love interest. Because someone else was in my heart. Someone else who kept reminding me of love and sorrow.
Someone who I knew I would never ever find again.
Viren.

There had been no electricity in the city from quite some time. Alright... it was only two hours but for us Mumbaiyas, the city which never sleeps, loss of electricity was a big time disruption.
My hair had turned curly at the ends because of the humidity. It rained like crazy. Somehow I was at peace. The wiper cleaned the windshield of my santro... the one constant in my life was my car. Ever trustworthy.

Maybe I shouldn't have praised my car. My mood like my car broke down.
The smell of oil and machinery irritated me further. I called the mechanic and in a very curt way said tightly, "I will collect my car on Saturday. Please hand over my key so I can get my stuff from my car."
He quietly gave me the key and watched curiously as I withdrew my huge load of files.
Protecting the files with my flimsy dupatta I hailed an auto. I had already begun to feel cold. Ah! I was going to catch a cold if I didn't go home to dry clothes and a hot mug of coffee.
For once, in the six months that had passed, I forgot to turn towards Viren and Sasha's house; sorry, ex- house.
It was alright. It must have been the same as always- sleeping.

There were two vans parked near my house. Ugh! Another kitty party. I was so sick of these. They made me angry. The very sight. It represented the group of people whom my mother always paid more attention to.
I slicked a hand over my forehead to wipe of the rainwater and climbed the stairs towards the main entrance. The door was slightly ajar. I picked up the scent of samosas. Hmmm. I was hungry, maybe I could grab a bite after a hot bath.
I trudged through the main hall trying to be as invisible as possible.
The colorful heap of files drew a lot of attention.
The ladies began chattering. Not all of them. Just a few insensitive ones who were loud enough. Or maybe my hearing had suddenly become inhumanly sensitive.
"... How old is she?"
"...Arey! Mrs. Das, isn't she your daughter?"
"... is she still staying with you?"
"... Oh... I see, she is not yet married."

I looked up at the scene unfolding in front of my eyes. The aunties who had called me lovely and spirited on my face were talking so about me, finally on my face and not behind my back.
I think there were tears in my eyes. I wanted to shout at all of them. Including my mother.
My mother, sitting with a plate of hot samosa, like everyone else said hurriedly, "Nandita! Hurry to your room...."
I stared at her, was she embarrassed about me looking this way? The sweaty face, my messy hair, my plain suit?
Was she upset that I had not looked like the others daughters- smiling and blushing, engaged to some rich man or married already with a bursting tummy to show a happy life?
Why?

My mother said after everybody had silenced because I had been staring at them.
"Hurry Nandita... or you'll catch a cold."
I knew why she was asking me to hurry up. And the knowledge hurt so much.
I nodded and walked stiffly to my room. My room was clean. The water that drenched me as I stood under the shower was icy cold. I hadn't cared enough to get hot water for a bath.
Like the water that trickled down my back, I wanted to melt into the water and flow away too. The misery of it, the utter helplessness, the loveless-ness of my life seemed overwhelming in that one moment.
I pulled on a loose shirt and a pair of slacks after bathing. The hot mug of coffee (which ha d now become cold) lay abandoned on my desk.
I sat in my room, looking outside the window to the houses nearby. I couldn't see Viren's house from there. It was still early to call it a night. So, fatefully I decided to go for a walk on the wet roads. The air could give me better company than the souls in this house.

CHAPTER 12:

My slippers slapped my heels as I observed the gushing drain nearby. The trees were still dripping wet. The path to Viren's house was still the same. The shrubbery, the lovely architecture. Perhaps the only thing that had changed was his and Sasha's absence from the house.
I bit my lip to control the tears that threatened to overflow if I thought anymore about him.
It was a shocking registration to see that the lights in the house were switched on.
I automatically stepped in through the gates. What if it was a burglar? What if there was someone new wishing to shift?
What if... it was Viren standing in the hall? I could only see the silhouette. But the person moved away so he was no longer in sight.
The path to the door seemed a bit too long. The wind seemed just a little bit chillier than it was. And my heartbeat a little faster than usual as I neared the door. With every step the door came closer. With every breath my prayer to let the person inside be Viren got stronger.

I rang the doorbell. I heard the chair scraping and the lock twist on the door.
My prayers were too strong.
Viren Srivastava was standing in front of me.
There was a silence. It was typically long. Each waiting for the other to break the silence.
"I... um... er... the light was... o..on, I thought it was a burgular... so... I..."
His deep voice shook my heart. It had been so long. Too long.
"I was wondering why you hadn't come to meet Sasha yet...."
I nodded as he moved aside to let me in.

All of a sudden, there was very little distance between us and yet we seemed desperate to meet each other.
"Sasha!"
My little angel, whom I had cradled for so long, whom I had loved all along toddled towards us. She had become even more beautiful in the months that had passed.
I sat on my knees and hugged her. It was heaven to have her back. I cried softly into her hair. She was holding my back as if she understood everything. Maybe she did. Children have this uncanny ability to recognize any emotion that occurs. I think.

Viren sat beside me and said softly, "Nandita, do you know why I took leave on the last day of office, six months back?"
I smiled tearfully and replied, "You said you'd tell me if we would meet again."
He nodded with his eyes closed.
"Because... I wanted to spend one last day with you."
I stared at the empty walls in front of me. The world seemed a better place for some reason.
I stood up, with Sasha nestled closely in my arms. I turned to Viren and said firmly, "Are you better now?"
He nodded and said, "It was not the right time for me to even think of happiness, yet you somehow offered me peace in a way no one could. Something that I thought would never happen, started happening again."

I nodded, wishing for him to proceed on the path I thought he was going towards.
"You... you were always there, for Sasha... for me. Always. I relied on you and you let me depend on you even when you hadn't anything to receive from any of it."
I smiled, "You're wrong, I found happiness in playing house with Sasha. I found peace in combing her hair. I loved making dinner for both of you.... I liked staying in this house... I wasn't trying to take Natasha's place. I was just... just running away from my misery by escaping to a world that existed in your house. Playing house in ruins.... I'm sorry for trying to find happiness at a time when there was only sadness in your life."

Tears, unbidden rolled down my cheeks. I felt guilty of trying to find happiness when someone else was so depressed. I couldn't understand why I was so troubled. I felt... I felt hopeless. Because the man I had so desperately wished for was standing right in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything to tell him my feelings.
I was very surprised when Viren's hands wiped away the tears and staring into my eyes said the words I thought I would never hear, from anyone, leave alone him.
"Nandita, will you allow me to give you a life of happiness, would you be willing to take care of Sasha and me for the rest of your life?..."
I stood shocked. For a moment, time stopped. My heart stopped. And all of a sudden, life just changed, in the blink of an eye. Fate turned in that one moment.
I continued staring skeptically at him.

He said a bit hesitantly this time, "Will you marry me?"
I stood rooted to the spot. I wondered when I had last moved a muscle.
"I... I just...."
Words were not enough. The answer was in my eyes long before he could worry about it.
My hair, still wet from the bath felt oddly cold. I stepped a bit closer to him.
Before my mind could register what was happening, his arms were around me and Sasha.
I could feel his heartbeat. In rhythm with mine.
He whispered slowly but firmly, "Nandita... I want an answer... please."
I whispered back, letting go of the tears I had tried to hold back for so long. How much could I cry in one day?
"Yes...."
**

EPILOGUE:

3 years later:
"Ma... today we want to go to the park." Sasha said enthusiastically.
Her hand was still holding the spoon which was dangerously close to falling off.
Nandita placed the spoon in her hand properly and said nodding her head in acceptance of her decision, "We will if both of you finish your glasses of milk."
Sasha made a face but relented and in a few gulps downed the milk.
"Now? Can we go now?"
"No... we'll wait for papa to get home. let's go to the garden I have some things I want to show you both...."
Sasha hopped off her chair and walked slowly pushing the little buggy in which her younger sister sat towards the garden.
"Tasha doesn't like worms...."

Nandita looked at Sasha who was playing her role of elder sister very well.
"We're going to check on the seeds you planted for your class project, not worms, my sweetheart."
One year old Tasha giggled continuously as Sasha showed her various plants in the garden.
Nandita went to attend the phone.
"Hello..."
"Nandita?"
"Mumma? How are you both?" her face had a cheerful expression as she chattered with her mother.
The other end was not as cheerful.
"Are you still upset about..."

"Not at all ma... we're holding up just fine. My job is also easier to handle and the four of us can stay together."
Nandita recalled the argument they had when she had told her parents that she was going to marry Viren.
Things had settled down and Viren and Nandita had mutually decided to move to Canada so they could be together for more time.
Her children were also adjusting well with the place. Especially Sasha. She loved the weather and she got to be with both her father and mother every day.
"I'm happy for you Nandita... really... even if..."

Nandita cut her mother's usual line and said, "Ma... maybe destiny was waiting for the right man to come for me and according to me, no one in this world is as right as Viren."
"Ah... yes... I understand.... if there is any change in your plan for coming to India for the winter break, let us know, we'll have the arrangements done accordingly."
"Thank you ma... for letting me fly away.... even if you say that I was desperate, I cannot believe it, I was just desperate to spread my wings."
There was a chuckle at her mother's end and she said lovingly, "Nandita... you turned out to be quite a fine lady.... are you joining any kitty parties?"
Nandita laughed so hard that her girls turned to look at her.
"Ma... even if my life depended on it, I wouldn't!"

That evening, after Nandita had submitted her report for her office project she returned home to wait for Viren. She had some news to share with him.
Viren's car honked in the driveway. She stood at the door while her daughters went out on the porch to meet their father.
He lifted both of them in one arm each and walked towards Nandita.
She said taking his bag in one hand, "Aman called today..."
"That's great... how is he doing?"
"He's doing well, said he is going to get married next month and wanted us to come. the marriage card will reach in a few days."
"Hmmm... good, we can show off our two princesses when we go to India next month then...."
Nandita smiled and stepped inside her lovely abode, her home.
The bird with desperate wings, had finally settled in its nest.