Definitely Not Average - Chapter 27

This chapter is dedicated to: Missy, Amen, Randommiss, Cheyenne Taylor, Ashley Kanara, Rebby and Lina. Can I here you guys say 'Awesome Comment-Leavers'? =)
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Have you ever felt empty before? Have you ever…ever felt like everything inside you, your soul included, had been ripped away from you by the most terrible means, leaving you with an ache, an ache to minor to resemble pain, but an ache that was constant? It might not have been pain, but it still hurt. Badly.

I was sitting in the library, my head buried in a science revision book that I was not reading. Yesterday’s events kept on replaying over and over again in my head, and I seemed to have no control over that fact.

I had planned to try and avoid T.J to the best of my ability, and I wasn’t finding it too hard since it was only fourth period, and I had only one lesson left, which, unfortunately, was with T.J. I had kept up constant mobility, going to the library for five minutes at break, then spending five more minutes of it in the courtyard, then going back into the library for five more minutes, then spending the last couple of minutes of break in a deserted classroom. T.J hadn’t been in any of my classes so far.

And as for Rachael…well, I hadn’t really spoken to her, either. But I had seen her, and every time a sly smirk was shot my way, I just wanted to scream and jump her, rip that stupid mouth off her face and stomp it into the ground.

But I knew I couldn’t.
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I shuffled slowly to Citizenship class; my whole being dreading what might be waiting for me in there.

I had soothed myself with comforting, meaningless words that I knew just proved that I was in-denial. But if I was being honest, I honestly didn’t care.

T.J wasn’t my friend anymore. Everything around me seemed to be crashing down.

He was already there, sitting on his chair, his arms supporting the head which he held in his hands. A sigh blew from his lips and a shaky hand ran through his dark mane of hair. My stomach turned.

I walked over slowly to the desk, our desk, which I was now being forced - only forced now because previously I wouldn’t have thought it to be a punishment - to share with T.J. He looked up slowly as I drew out the chair from under the table and dropped my bag onto the floor. I couldn’t tell you how long our eyes stared into eachother’s. Seconds, hours, maybe years; I honestly didn’t know. I sunk down into my chair with shaky hands, keeping my eyes averted from him.

I could feel T.J staring at me as Mr. Walker was talking, even when he had finished lecturing us and was telling us to start working in our books.

‘Grace,’ he said softly, and when I didn’t answer him, he reached out his hand and tentatively touched the edge of my palm. I flinched. He pulled his hand back. ‘Grace, I…I just want -‘

‘Yeah, well, we don’t always get what we want, T.J,’ my voice was flat, and I tried to distract myself from the pain of my breaking heart.

‘But -‘ he started, his voice miserable, but I sharply turned my head away from him, ignoring the soft calls of my name that came from his mouth.

Throughout what felt to me to be the most dragged out lesson in the history of the world, I felt T.J staring at me, and I fixed my eyes on a spot of Mr. Walker’s desk.

When the bell rang, I quickly gathered up all of my stuff, shoved it into my bag and tailed it to the door, only to have my name called out by Mr. Walker.

I turned around slowly, slightly surprised, and made my way over to him.

‘Grace,’ he said, and was it just me, or was his smile a bit too warm?

I felt nervous, and slightly suspicious. ‘Yes?’

He started playing with the top of his tie, twisting it at different angles. ‘I…I hate to ask this of you, because I know that you probably have a date to the prom, and such -‘

‘I don’t.’ I cut him off, feeling my face heat up. ‘I don’t have a date to the prom.’

He looked relieved, and blew out a breath of air. ‘Oh, that’s - that’s easier, on my part, I suppose.’ He said. ‘listen, Grace, we have a small prom committee, you know, a group of people in your year who organize the prom and it’s doings and such, and there is one slot open and I just wanted to ask you if you would be interested in taking up the slot.’

I was slightly confused. ‘What does this slot entail?’

‘Nothing hard, it’s just, as most of our prom committee persons have dates, they aren’t willing to fulfill the job of refilling the refreshments, so I was just wondering if you could –‘

‘You want me to refill the refreshments?’ I cut in.

He nodded. ‘Yes, not so hard, is it? Just as soon as you see an empty tray of food, replace it with one that is full.’

I contemplated this. It really didn’t seem so hard. And hey, I had nothing better to do. ‘Okay.’ I said.

Mr. Walker looked ecstatic. I guessed that he was under a lot of pressure to have someone fill the slot. ‘Wonderful, Grace, wonderful. The prom, as you know, is the day after tomorrow, so if you could stay behind after school on that day and help, I’d be grateful.’

‘Of course,’ I smiled at Mr. Walker. ‘I’ll be there.’
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Why did life always have to be so hard? Granted, my R.E teacher had always told me that things happened for a reason, but was there really any reason to feel like you were slowly breaking inside? I didn’t think so.

And as much as I kept telling myself that I didn’t need T.J and that life could go on without him, my heart didn’t really seem to be getting the picture. It cried out to feel his touch, and mourned for the loss of seeing his beautiful face.

I really needed something to distract myself.
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I was broken. That was the only word for it. I was broken, and although the pain increased with every second, its intensity never failed to stun me.

I was curled up in a ball on my bed, rocking back and forth while trying to soothe my frantic heart. It beat unevenly, as if I had experienced some sort of major shock every four seconds or so that caused my body to heat up and then cool to ice.

What was worse was that the feelings, the mixed emotions that I felt all directed towards T.J, were hurting me the most. I knew that I wasn't good enough for him, and I also knew, maybe at the back of my mind somewhere, that he would never be able to be with the likes of me. It just wasn't the way things went. I wasn't good enough for him, and I guessed that Rahael's words had woken me up. He obviously didn't think I was good enough for him, either.

‘Grace!’ My mother called up the stairs. ‘Grace! There’s someone here to see you!’

I shifted into a sitting position, and frowned to myself. Who would come knocking for me? Unless…

My insides turned cold with dread, and with numb legs, I crossed the floor of my room, opened the door, and padded wobblingly down the stairs.

And there he was, in all of his tanned perfection.

You know when you hear in movies how there’s always that girl who’s amazingly beautiful and doesn’t know it, and this guy secretly has a crush on her and she doesn’t know it and everything she does is adorable to him but the worst, embarrassing things to her, and she always gets butterflies in her stomach whenever she sees him?

That wasn’t what things were like with me and T.J in that moment. Because I’m sure he didn’t find the huge gaping of my mouth that attractive, nor my demented expression, or the fact that my clothes had various rips all over. Can you say Cinderella?

And then there was my mother, of course, who had surreptitiously left the room. I was going to be having words with her later.

‘Grace,’ T.J whispered, and though usually I could tell what he was thinking quite well, what I saw in his eyes at that moment when he was looking at me was completely beyond me.

He made to move towards me, and I stepped hastily away. He flinched. I looked away. ‘W-what are you doing here?’

‘I…’ he hesitated, and then those crystal clear eyes were on me again, filled with a kind of my pain I knew only too well. ‘I came to…to talk to you.

You know you want to talk to him, Grace, my conscience whispered. ‘I don’t want to talk to you.'

‘Please,’ he pleaded.

Yes. ‘No.’

‘Grace, please, just let me exp -‘

‘No,’ I ground out, folding my arms tightly against my chest. ‘I don’t want to let you explain.’

And even though my heart cried out to listen to what he had to say, and my mind, for once, was agreeing with that particularly unhelpful organ. I shut them both up. ‘I don’t want to hear what you have to say,’ I repeated, trying my best to keep my voice strong and clear. ‘Rachael was right. She was right all along. People like you and me can’t be friends - that’s just the way it is.’

His eyes flew wide in shock, and he stepped towards me again. ‘What? No! Don’t say that, Grace. Don’t ever say that. You’re my friend, and I want -‘

‘I was your friend,’ I corrected coldly, and even someone pronounced blind would have been able to see the hope flop out of his eyes, replaced by a kind of defeat that very, very few people ever experienced.

‘You don’t -‘ his voice broke, and he avoided eye-contact, started staring somewhere off to the side of my knee. ‘You don’t understand. I need -‘

‘I don’t care,’ my voice was quiet, and there was something in it that made T.J finally look up at me. ‘I don’t care anymore. It was a mistake for us to ever become friends, and I was stupid to believe that we could ever hold it up. So please, just leave.’

And then my heart was screaming, thrashing around inside my chest, begging for me to take back my words, pumping erratically, painfully, unevenly in punishment. I inhaled a deep breath and attempted to stare, composed, at him.

His voice was hollow, raw. Wounded. ‘So that’s it,’ he sounded lifeless ‘That’s it, then? You’re just…just giving up on our friendship? Just like that?’

I gulped. Decision time. ‘I…’ I closed my eyes briefly, and then opened them again. ‘Yes. That’s it.’

It was then that I knew that something inside of him had broken. He had looked rough before, but at that moment…at that moment, I knew that he wasn’t T.J.

He said nothing, so I continued. ‘Just…forget about me. Pretend we were never even friends. There’s only four weeks of school left. I’ll be going to college, and you’ll be going to a different college. Before we know it, we won’t even remember each other.’

This statement seemed to hurt him the most, but finally, in a voice whispered so low I had to concentrate hard to catch it. ‘Fine.’

That one word made my insides writhe and knot tightly, painfully together. Fine. This was really it. The end.

I didn’t try to stop the tears that filled my eyes and cascaded off the edge. They dropped onto my chin, and then slid onto my t-shirt. I wiped my cheek with the back of my hand. ‘Go.’

And he did.