Defense Mechanisms of Rejection

The slavery of rejection is present in everyone’s life to a certain extent. Whether you suffered from deep wounds like being abandoned or being physically abused or lighter ones like the nicknames you had in school/high school or negative responses you received from certain teachers or influent people in your life, the feeling of being marginalized creeps into our hearts and if not dealt with, it’s fruits will surely show sooner or later.

Some of these fruits of rejection are the aggressive reactions and self-rejection; these include the rejection of others, a judgmental attitude that goes well with perfectionism and lies like: "I am not good enough; I will never be good enough". To compare yourself to others is simply a part of our culture nowadays but few realize how destructive can this habit be. There will always be people who will do better than you in a certain field and there will always be people who will not be as good as you in that area.

However, when you realize that your merits are not recognized when you prove to be the best in front of people but rather when you simply do your best in front of God, it is then when you are free inside. Free from the pressure of people’s opinions, of how well or how bad you are singing for example. Your main concern is to give your best in the field where God called you and not to compare yourself to anyone but to constantly look at God to be transformed into His image. It is then when you know that God approves your work and you don’t need the approval of people (of course I am talking in the limits of the holiness God requires).

Sadness comes along the fear of failure and inability to communicate and relate to others, all because you have been hurt, rejected before and you want to make sure by all means that it will not happen again. I don’t know about you but I have been there and I have constructed my own wall of defense but let’s see more about these walls of defense that we build around us without realizing that it is our own heart that is primarily isolated by them.

See if you find yourself hiding behind one of these "defense walls" :

Struggle for competition - To reach the highest performance at all costs, to prove "who I am".

Independence - Isolation you want to make sure that you don’t need anyone to rely on because they have disappointed you and they are not trustworthy so you try to do it all on your own, not depending on anyone.

Self-protection - This is obvious especially in the "love chapter". If you think you can’t trust people, you will find it very difficult to open up to your spouse for fear they might use that information against you as others did in the past. Although it is good do have a certain dose of realism and not "blow" your heart of hearts in the first date, but also after gaining trust, keeping and hiding things that should be dealt with in a relationship will stop the process of your growing closer and closer to your partner. This leads to frustration in your heart first of all and then, of course in your partner’s.

Selfishness - Worried about your own image "nothing else matters but me!"

Pity towards yourself - Look what they have done to me!" wishing everyone could see our wound and marvel, feel compassion for you and if possible defend you. However…all people have their own wounds and if you are waiting on others to mend your own hurt, you might have to wait too long and it is not worth it.

Criticism and a judgmental attitude - These are mechanisms that try to make the dark look brighter but not with shedding light on your own life but with spreading more darkness on others’ lives which brings no real help to your situation, on the contrary, it deepens the pain on long term.

Pride and Arrogance - Pride ("Look at ME! I Can do this! You can’t") arrogance ("I am the best anyway!") and egoism bring along manipulation (controlling others) and perfectionism, this way, envy and jealousy get an open gate to carry along possessiveness and emotional immaturity: "Only MY way!"

If you found some of these "walls" in your life, ask God to help you forgive those who have first caused them, ask God to heal your heart and give you back the emotional wholeness so you can work for God without fears of any kind, without having to justify yourself (as a defense wall). You see, if you want to help others put their oxygen mask on a plane, you have to first wear the mask yourself. That’s why it is imperiously necessary to realize where you stand emotionally, to let God heal you wounds and afterward you will be able to go "put the oxygen mask" to others. Be blessed and may all the wrong defensive walls come down!