Dear Mom and Daddy

Mother
You've always hated the sound of that
Babies make you tired
Demand your presence
And make you fat
Perhaps that isn't entirely fair
Daddy said when we were babies
You were always there
It wasn't until we began talking

That you began withholding
Then we were walking
Honestly I can't remember
No I don't recall
If you read me a book
Or a me a story
Or if you were even there at all
My memory finds me about 8 years old
In the doorway
Of our long ago home

Your suitcase was packed
Keys in hand
You were leaving
I didn't understand
There was no simple explanation
You bent down
Whispering a motivation
You told me to find you
In the stars
And picture myself

Safe in your arms
It seemed cruel even then
That I'd never once held your hand
And suddenly you had a plan
I did look up to the sky
A couple times
You were on my mind
Maybe finally
If it was true
You'd tuck me in
Like I'd wanted you to

But it was empty
Yes my heart
Didn't feel different
Just that we were apart
Physically now
There were many miles
To represent
Your excuse for a while
You didn't love me
I thought you did

I thought you had to
Feel love for your kid
Should I have known
Would it have been good
To know that my mother
Couldn't love like she should
Probably not
It would've caused more pain
And pain I was full of
Feeling the blame
I had gotten in trouble at school

Huge trouble
I was told
The worst child
They had ever known
I had caused my father
A debilitating disease
That the doctor told him
Was all because of me
Good thing my sister informed me
Or I wouldn't have known
It was a stress related illness
From a bad child at home

I cried and I cried
The father I loved
That occasionally did
Offer me a hug
The only one in the world
To tell me I mattered
To say I was pretty
When I felt pretty battered
Why couldn't I be good
And keep things together

My mother would love me
And my dad would get better
But good was one thing
I was very bad at
No matter how I tried
I couldn't wear the hat
I seem to always
Do something wrong
At home I would find
The punishment long

Daddy had changed
Sure because of me
He said I wasn't
The little girl I used to be
I felt so much pain
I felt so much guilt
What was wrong with me
Why was I built
I wanted to quit
I wanted to run
I wanted to hide

Life wasn't fun
But there was nowhere to go
There was nowhere to hide
Life wasn't a game
You can't quit till you die
Eventually I was older
And things just got worse
My sister moved to college
My brother was a jerk
We sold the old house

Moved into town
I didn't make cheer leading
I let myself down
I had grown used to
The pain I knew well
I was 13
And going to hell
Daddy said I flirted
With every boy I seen
He called me naive
What did that mean

My friends were cheering
They had moved on
I wasn't cool enough
My last hope was gone
I decided to leave
I didn't care where
I was getting out
No one would care
I stole some money
From my grandparents drawer

I went as far as I could
Till I could go no more
I went pretty far
But no far enough
Daddy was waiting
Police and handcuffs
He drove me back home
I'd never seen him so mad
I felt like a criminal
With no mom or dad

The pain that I'd thought
Couldn't get any bigger
Grew and grew and grew
Somebody pull the trigger
Now there was no question
Who was to blame
Everyone could see
The public family shame
I had been impossible to parent
Impossible to love

Impossible to hold on to
Impossible to be rid of
They took me to court
They didn't want me anymore
They begged them to take me
A runaway, a whore
The judge agreed to take me
They put me in jail
Juvenile detention
My own little cell

I would stay there
They told me
Till they found a place
That took runaways
Until they behaved
On the bright side
It was there
I finally made friends
People to relate to
I tried to cleanse

A heart that was scattered
Broken beyond repair
Perhaps I could make it
Beat with some care
It was a long time
Till I got out of that place
The group homes and hospitals
My road to grace
They weren't places

That made you
Want to smile a lot
More they were places
Were kids forgot
The pain they had lived with
Could be replaced
By a meal that was hot
And a bed that was safe
Maybe no one there loved you
But the comfort was in

The fact that you didn't expect
That they did
When you realize that love
Isn't going to be found
You start slowly letting
Your standards down
Eventually so so
Isn't so bad
Actually its nice
And doesn't feel sad
As an adult
I still feel like a kid

I don't place bets on good fortune
I don't place a bid
I know I will fail
And fail quite a lot
But I know I can make it
I haven't forgot
Mom and Dad
May never do right
I may have to make it
Through a cold night

But there is a place
On the other side
Of all this suffering
Where we won't hide
Be it over just the next bend
Or years ahead of us
In the face of a friend
We will find relief
If God is so good
To give us a rest
Just like he should