Dear Elisabeth
I letter to my sis after she died..it is my feeling........the good, bad and ugly truth.
Dear Elisabeth,
I could tell u how much I miss u or that I hope u r having a wonderful time up in heaven but that is not what this letter is about. This letter is addressing the people u have left behind, DO U REMEMBER THEM NOW?? Have u no heart anymore bc plz I would love to understand now. How can u sit up there in heaven well others suffer on ur behalf. In what universe do u think that is a fair trade... u get peace and we just have to accept hell, no, that is not how it works dead or alive.
I cannot forgive you for hurting so many people. U have destroyed our family or I guess my family now since u no longer seem to care anymore. I hate u so much. I hate feeling like this without a choice, I hate having to look at ur dead body every time I think about u or Collingswood,
I hate skiing, I hate the music that I had at my gr.8 grad, I hate the person u have me become, I hate the walls, I hate the tears, I hate the sadness, the grief, the black hole the proclaims ur name, I hate the sun, and I hate myself c of u. I can't sleep at night without seeing people die in front of my eyes. I wake up in cold sweats; I dream about blood, I dream about u. U have destroyed my life and just so I know that is not enough for u destroyed others and made me sit there and watch, helpless to it all.
I can't say I don't know its my fault bc the truth is I do know it is part of my fault. I paid for ur trip so u could go, I gave you my jacket as well as my yoga pants and then I just waved you goodbye. I didn't know the better. But nobody is let off the hook for that when they do something besides that....right, so why should I be? It just so unfair...don't u love me at all, I didn't even say goodbye to u when u left to go to Collingswood. I don't even know what our last words together were. I didn't get to tell that I loved you before u left...does that make me a monster bc that is how I feel.
Every time I put on a brave face and tell the world I don't care but who am I kidding we both know very well it is not true. I didn't even cry at your funeral. I would not feel so much guilt if I didn't really do something wrong. At least I know one thing is for sure that is good...I know that there is a god. Why u ask well because I'm living in hell and where there is hell there is heaven. Like black or light. btw I was just wondering what 17 means. I have looked it up and I cannot find anything. Just more clues to an unanswerable question I guess.
U know what is so wired about this? That fact ur dead and I'm not. I was cutting when I was like 10 and thinking suicidal thoughts since about gr.2 or 3. I'm the screwed up child in this family how people seem to think will go nowhere in life. So why is it someone how could have made such differences to us all (like I thought god wanted!!) dies off, to me it says screw u all...I'm god and I can do what I want. But he can't. When someone gives a life and soul to someone u give them an identity of their own, which means that they r their own person and has stopped trying to control there very heartbeat.
Once ur sister
Alex steel reurink
I could tell u how much I miss u or that I hope u r having a wonderful time up in heaven but that is not what this letter is about. This letter is addressing the people u have left behind, DO U REMEMBER THEM NOW?? Have u no heart anymore bc plz I would love to understand now. How can u sit up there in heaven well others suffer on ur behalf. In what universe do u think that is a fair trade... u get peace and we just have to accept hell, no, that is not how it works dead or alive.
I cannot forgive you for hurting so many people. U have destroyed our family or I guess my family now since u no longer seem to care anymore. I hate u so much. I hate feeling like this without a choice, I hate having to look at ur dead body every time I think about u or Collingswood,
I hate skiing, I hate the music that I had at my gr.8 grad, I hate the person u have me become, I hate the walls, I hate the tears, I hate the sadness, the grief, the black hole the proclaims ur name, I hate the sun, and I hate myself c of u. I can't sleep at night without seeing people die in front of my eyes. I wake up in cold sweats; I dream about blood, I dream about u. U have destroyed my life and just so I know that is not enough for u destroyed others and made me sit there and watch, helpless to it all.
I can't say I don't know its my fault bc the truth is I do know it is part of my fault. I paid for ur trip so u could go, I gave you my jacket as well as my yoga pants and then I just waved you goodbye. I didn't know the better. But nobody is let off the hook for that when they do something besides that....right, so why should I be? It just so unfair...don't u love me at all, I didn't even say goodbye to u when u left to go to Collingswood. I don't even know what our last words together were. I didn't get to tell that I loved you before u left...does that make me a monster bc that is how I feel.
Every time I put on a brave face and tell the world I don't care but who am I kidding we both know very well it is not true. I didn't even cry at your funeral. I would not feel so much guilt if I didn't really do something wrong. At least I know one thing is for sure that is good...I know that there is a god. Why u ask well because I'm living in hell and where there is hell there is heaven. Like black or light. btw I was just wondering what 17 means. I have looked it up and I cannot find anything. Just more clues to an unanswerable question I guess.
U know what is so wired about this? That fact ur dead and I'm not. I was cutting when I was like 10 and thinking suicidal thoughts since about gr.2 or 3. I'm the screwed up child in this family how people seem to think will go nowhere in life. So why is it someone how could have made such differences to us all (like I thought god wanted!!) dies off, to me it says screw u all...I'm god and I can do what I want. But he can't. When someone gives a life and soul to someone u give them an identity of their own, which means that they r their own person and has stopped trying to control there very heartbeat.
Once ur sister
Alex steel reurink
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