Dear Diary Chapter 15

In the woods...

I could hear a stream a little ways off, but it was nothing new, Hayes Crossing was full of them, probably because it was so humid and rainy all the time. Other than that one little trickling sound it was like the world had stopped. No bugs, no animals, no wind, nothing.

We had finally stopped running a short while ago, and I had to admit that even though I had only followed Nick's lead and he was the one that had pushed his way through the tangled branches of the Chicago forest, I was done. No more running for me.

He was breathing hard but, amazingly, not panting like me. I sat on the only rock in sight but left enough room for Nick in case he needed a seat as well. He just stood, staring into the forest and, occasionally, turning. I was quiet because I knew he would be listening to determine how safe we were here.

A few minutes later he spoke, "Does your head hurt? And I mean it Ana, no bullshit." His voice was rough, he didn't meet my shocked gaze, he only continued to stare into the darkening forest around us.

When I didn't answer, he finally decided to looked at me. Nick had never cussed at me before and I was hurt. What did he mean by that? Did he not like my joking. My cheeks started to burn, but I wasn't mad, only embarrassed. I thought he would tell me if he didn't like something about me. Were there other things he didn't tell me as well?

"N-No," I studdered. His eyes were no longer the melting pools of green, they were shallow and business-like, I didn't like it.

He nodded. "Come on." He reached for my arm but I pulled it back, stubbornly. If he was going to pretend to be someone else I was not going to be pathetic. He turned and started leading me in a slightly different direction than the one before.

"How do you know where we're going?" I asked.

He didn't answer. I glowered.

"Nick, I'm tired of walking. Can't we just rest a few more minutes?" I said more than asked, I didn't think he would answer.

To my surprise, he wheeled. "You can't complain about everything," he yelled. "This was your idea. If it were up to me we'd be on a fucking plane back home. So don't you dare complain to me, Ana."

I blinked. He turned back to the path only he knew. I followed obediently. And that's how the rest of the afternoon went, if he told me to do something, I did it without question and without response. Actually, I didn't speak to him at all. I just did what I was told. He didn't seem to have any remorse for what he had said. I spent all afternoon fighting back tears. And for the first time in my life, they were Nick's fault.

Sometime later, between the endless walking and relentless non-talking, something dawned on me.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Nick didn't seem to notice and I didn't inform him. He walked a few more feet then stopped and turned, finally realizing that the second pair of footsteps had faded.

"What now?" He asked.

"I left my diary." My voice was weak and I didn't know if he heard it or not. The look on his face and the rolling of his eyes said he had.

"We'll get you a new one when we get home." He said, I didn't want a new one I wanted that one, and I didn't know who Nick was right now but I didn't want the happiest time of my life to sit and rot under a Chicago bridge.

He turned like he was going to continue but I could not. He seemed to realize this halfway through his turn and he stopped and sighed.

"I-" My voice broke, I took a deep breath to calm myself. "I need it."

"For...?" He trailed away skeptically.

He wasn't going to take me back. Not all that way. And definitely not for a two dollar book. But that book was my life, literally, I had recorded every single thing I had done all year in that book.

He must have realized that I knew this so he turned back to his trail. "We might not make it back tonight. It's getting dark so we should make a camp soon."

"Okay." I didn't care, and so we continued on our route, in my opinion, one man down.

Eventually, he made a fire and pulled up a log for me to sit on. I did, but when he sat down directly beside me, almost touching me, I scooted to the extreme left of the log. He rolled his eyes.

"So, what? Am I getting the silent treatment again?" He asked sarcastically.

In accordance with the rules of the silent treatment, I refused to answer. He sighed and slid towards me on the log, pulling a very stiff me into his arms. I turned my face away.

"I love you." He whispered into my ear. The tears I had been fighting all afternoon finally leaked over the edge. I shook my head as he pulled me against his chest, trying to push him away.

"What the hell Ana?" He said, much louder than before but not quite a yell. "Why do you keep acting so stupid? Can't you understand that I’m just a little stressed right now?"

I pushed away from him as hard as I could and finally got free. I stood a walked a few feet away, then wheeled on him. "You don't need to be, Nick. You can go home, you don't have to be here. I don't need you so just go back to Cyndle."

His eyes narrowed. He seemed like he was going to say something but then figured that he might regret it later. "I’m sorry. Please. Ana... I'm sorry."

He reached for me but I backed away. "Just leave me alone." I turned and stalked away into a thicker section of trees. I kept walking with no destination.

I found the river, with my foot. It was icy and my leg stung where the water soaked through my pants leg. "UGH!" The universe was conspiring against me.

I sat down on the riverbank to dry my leg. Time went by. Maybe an hour or two later I was dry enough and decided to head back to camp. My temper had cooled and I actually felt bad about what I said. I approached camp silently.

Looking around, I finally spotted Nick, unaware that I had come back. He was no longer on the log, instead he was several feet beyond the ring of light the fire produced, he was sitting on the ground with his back against a tree. His hands were knotted in his hair, his elbows resting on his knees. I had only seen him cry one other time in his life, when his grandmother died. They had been closer than him and his mom. I couldn't stand it.

I went to him, he didn't hear me come, and I pushed his arms off of his knees and crawled into his lap. I had tried to look at his face but he pulled me so tight against him that I couldn't.

"I'm so sorry, Ana." He whispered. "Please don't be mad. I'm sorry." And he continued that way for hours, apologizing for everything he had ever done wrong and begging for forgiveness. I had never seen him like this and I tried my best to comfort him, to no avail.

I fell asleep in his arms, and woke in them. He had moved us closer to the campfire but he still held me. When I moved stiffly I realized that he was awake. There were dark circles around his eyes. He still felt bad and I could tell by the way he looked at me that he wasn't forgiving himself any time soon.

I hugged him. "I love you." I informed him then started kissing him. Today was going to be long but, with any luck, we would make it back to the... actual... city before noon. Then we would find a hotel and decide where to go from there.