Dear Diary.. (A Cat's Perspective)

Today didn’t really go as planned. As usual those pesky humans outsmarted me. They seem to be completely against me. The bossy human has assigned us all smelly necklaces. It’s something to do with ‘fleas’, whatever that means. Anyways, they smell yucky. I miss my old one.

The smallest human seems still to think I’m his play toy and no matter how hard I try to set him straight, nothing works. Note to self – KILL BOY! The girl however is turning out to be not so bad. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was one of us. Trapped, but well looked after.

Tomorrow will try to put my plans into action to take down the big male, therefore taking control of the house.

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Again my plan failed. Try to trip a guy on the stairs and does he fall down? Does he mouses! He falls up them! These humans are sneakier than I first predicted.

Earlier they actually gave us food from the magic box! Something called ‘chicken’. Well I’ve got to say it’s much better than tuna any day.

Trying to befriend the human cat is turning out to be quite difficult. She’s forever guarded by the oldest of my feline friends, Sasha. But, that will soon change

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Attempts at forming an alliance with the girl aren’t going to be too simple now. Basically I found myself a tasty snack sat in her room, and figured if she doesn’t want to eat it why can’t I? However, my feathery meal turned out to be her feathery friend. ‘Nash’ she called it. So yeah, now she won’t even look in my general direction, never mind take part in my hostile take over.

So, back to my earlier plans. Ridding the house of its dominant male. I’ve two plans so far which may work. Infact, one of them has to. Plan A entails 'accidentally' laying on the dominant males face as he sleeps. Plan B consists of 'getting stuck' in a tree, waiting for dominant human to use his reaching device and as he does, I may just have to become 'unstuck'.

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Finally, result! One down and three to go, (Or maybe only two, depending on the girls’ decision.) Hospitalised dominant male. What a plan! Plan B that is. Plan A, not so good. Just made him angry.

It’s the kids and us kitties tonight. Should be fun. Although, the bossy human has left my hopefully future ally in charge and as we’re not on speaking terms, this isn’t a good thing. After the snack incident I don’t think she’ll be feeling like being overly friendly with me. I’ve a feeling it’s going to be a loonnnggg night.

Nothing else extra ordinary happened today. Except for I met the other household pets. Meeko and Smeeko they call themselves. Can’t tell whether they’re puppies or a completely different animal altogether. The boy calls them ‘ferreties’; I’ll assume that’s their species. They’re more intelligent than they look however. I think they may know of my plans. Will have to watch them closely and unfortunately, silence them if it gets out of hand.

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Last night was hell! Locked out of my own home. How dare she! I was completely and utterly disgraced. Infact, I still am. Although on the plus side, she did give me tuna when she finally let me back in the house. Befriending plan is progressing slowly. Should progress quicker now, as I’ve no dominant male to erase.

Whilst out last night, I overheard the ‘ferreties’ talking about how they’d overheard me talking to next doors cat about my terrorist plans. Luckily, I don’t think they know that I know that they know about my plans. It’s a sad fact of life that now they know too much something will have to be done.

Bossy human arrived home earlier to pick up some of ex-dominant males’ things. He must be staying at the human vets for a while. What a shame. However, now the bossy human isn’t speaking to me.

The smallest human is still harassing me. This morning he thought he’d act like one of us and stalk me. He slinked behind the sofa whilst I was cleaning myself and then pounced on me as if I were prey (which I’m certainly not), so yeah I fought back with teeth and claws and scratched him to shreds quickly and violently before going back to resuming my cleaning. I’ll really have to teach him that I’m no animal to mess with.

There’ll be no one at home tomorrow so I’ll have to find ways of entertaining myself around this hellhole.

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Today was ace! Although there are still two and a half humans walking around, I did have fun wrecking their living space. Of course, making sure to avoid the girls’ room and the food room.

This morning before they left the house through the human sized cat flap at the back of the house, they forgot to feed us! And well, because the ginger twins are fat bundles of fluff, they thieved all the biscuits. So, as I’m a vengeful kitty, I thought it only necessary and fair to eat the bossy humans’ prized plant. I mean if it’s so special it has to taste good. But that really wasn’t the case. It was worse than licking my own bum. Well, almost. I decided I wasn’t going to stand for this. As a present I decided I’d surprise her by throwing it all back up on her bed. I figured, at least she’d get the rest of her precious plant back.

In the boys room I thought I’d leave him a friendly warning. After all, it was only fair to do that before severely hurting him. To make it even more scary and threatening, I actually carved the message in to the noise making things he calls ‘drums’. That should spook him. He’s sure to leave me alone once he reads it.

Now I’m just waiting around for them to come home and see the destruction I’ve caused. They won’t mess with me now.

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Wrecking the house was the best idea I’ve ever had! After I’d pranced around the house admiring the devastation I’d caused and giggling at the half digested plant that was now beyond help, the girl came home. She thought it was great. I’m sure she’d have had a different response if I’d wrecked her domain as well but as I didn’t she was pleased. I think she was so happy because there was actually someone who shared her dislikes of the other inhabitants as she had. I could sense she was still irritated and hurt about the whole bird mishap, but she admitted defeat anyway and stood and petted my head gently, giving in to my charms at last.

The whole making friends with the girl thing really helped me however when the other human and half of one got home. They hated me for ruining their things and she protected me from them with ease. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Nothing could ruin it now.

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The relationship with the girl is improving. I’m not allowed to sleep on her bed yet, but she hasn’t locked me out of her room for once. This is getting to Sasha. The old woman just can’t handle not being top cat in her eyes.

Earlier, I found one of the ‘ferreties’ trying to spell out a warning to the humans in its little star shaped biscuits. Well that, for me, was the final straw. Smeeko, the cocky one who wrote the message, was the first one I dealt with. I had no option other than to drown him in the outside water bowl, which contains live fish. I felt bad. For like a second! Then I went back to the cage, only to find that Meeko had sneaked off whilst I was dealing with the main problem. I decided to leave him out there. He wasn’t going to come back.

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Today I thought I’d focus solely on gaining my human ally. I mean we both want to eliminate the other members of the household so why can’t it work? I suppose I could live with sharing control of the house with someone who shares my goals.

So, earlier I spent most of my day camouflaged in a field stalking a pesky little mouse as a gift for her. I was just hoping and praying it would be substantial enough for her to consider joining forces. Also, to say sorry for the cold-blooded killing of one of her ferreties she seemed to be mourning over. Not that she knows it was I. It had to be done.

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My mouse plan sort of worked. Although, human didn’t seem as appreciative as I’d have liked. She thanked me however and actually ‘kissed’ me (it wasn’t much of a kiss because she didn’t even lick me, but it was a good attempt non the less!)

I’ve never felt so content. Sat amongst the clutter of her bombsite of a room, I finally feel at home. Domination is within my grasp, and only one mouse’s blood had to be spilt. Life can only get better from now on.

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Unfortunately, the last line of my last entry appears to be incorrect. I think bossy human is finally cottoning on to my plans.

Earlier today I had no other option than to maul the boys face. Overheard him tell my ally that he had to have five stitches! But get this; he’s supposedly going to kill me! Anyway, for bossy human I think this was the twig that broke the birdies nest.

Even though my friendship with the girl has never been better, she seemed unable to get me out of this situation. After hospitalizing one human and deforming another, there wasn’t really much she could say. I admire her for trying though.

Fortunately, I know my humans are under my control. I’ll regain their trust somehow.

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I’m absolutely distraught. The humans don’t seem to want me as their commander anymore. I’m scared they may be plotting to mutiny. My senses are tingling with anxiety and through stress, I’ve used my scratching post so much that I have no claws left and my scratching post has now got no hope of surviving through the night.

The ex-dominant male is home from the human vets now and he’s less than pleased to see I’m still walking around on all fours still when he can’t even walk on two legs thanks to me. Luckily, he’s in no state to challenge my position so therefore I have the upper hand this round.

What I don’t understand about these humans is how come once they’ve been to the vets and had stitches and whatnot, that they don’t have to wear a silly lampshade on their heads. It’s not like they can be trusted to not lick their wounds any more than we can.

Tomorrow should be interesting. Home alone with a badly injured human that’s worse at fending for himself than a newborn kitten. There’ll be trouble I’m sure.

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Although the human is all covered up with hard white stuff and looking like a mummy off one of those TV documentaries I used to watch on the box with the little trapped people in it, he still managed to battle me. I tried to suffocate him by lying on his face whilst he was asleep again. However, he realized, again. Obviously the large fall didn’t damage his brain enough.

Well, this upset me a lot. I knew there had to be some way of getting rid of him for good. So I went and plonked myself on the windowsill at the north side of the house to calm myself and watch the birds. That was when I saw a completely different creature altogether. She was beautiful! Her long slim body, and the way she moved that tail! I could have collapsed from the sheer shock of the fact that a cat that perfect lived so close to where I was based. I think it was at this point that she noticed me spying so I tried to clean my bum and fell off the windowsill. I bet I made a great impression. I hope she’s there tomorrow.

My cat senses are still tingling. I wonder why.

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Today I saw the lovely neighbour hood feline. She seemed more intrigued with me today. Possibly because she couldn’t figure out what kind of brain damaged cat falls off a windowsill. At least I landed on my feet.

I sat and contently watched her for most of the day. Luckily for me she seems to enjoy catnapping in that spot so I had the pleasure of watching her sleep too. Oh, and the way she stretches. It’s enough to take any tomcats’ mind off tuna for life. She’s so slinky and appears well groomed.

Hope I can maybe get to know her.

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I hate this life! I really can’t wait for the second one out of my available nine. I now know why my cat senses were tingling. Meeko, the ‘ferretie’, that got loose actually had the stupidity to come back! This could only mean one thing. He was out for revenge. Well, what kind of tyrant would I be if I didn’t at least let him make an attempt? So we fought. A fight to the death seemed a bit out of the question with my new allegiance, but if I injured him badly it wouldn’t matter if I had marks too. Self-defence isn’t a crime.

It was a blood bath. It started out okay really. A few swipes from me and then a nip or two from him and then he pounced on me! The nerve I thought. So I went for the throat. This turned out to be my worst idea ever. My new best friend came running out when she heard his final screams as a surrender, only to find me with his dead body at my feet. I’d never felt so awful or seen a human so angry. It was like when you’re little and you chew your mothers’ tail too hard you get a mixed look of pain and anger and then you get ignored. Well she’s done worse than ignore me. They’re supposedly sending me away. I doubt she will go through with it though. Well, I hope she doesn’t anyway. All hopes of getting to know the female across the road would be lost.

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I’m sorry to inform you that this is the last entry I will be writing about this family. My plan of domination worked only for a little while and then I failed. I left them no other option other than to remove me from their home.

From this family however I learnt many new tricks and also that, although humans are all humans, many have different personalities surprisingly and some can even be nice! I’ll take my new teachings and implement them in my next attempt at taking control of another house.

I currently have one family that already seem interested in re-homing me and I’ve only been trapped in this place for a day. I used my ‘I’m so innocent and angelic I wouldn’t even hurt a fly’ kind of look and it appeared to work. It’s the big kitten eyes that do it for humans. But underneath this cute exterior is a stealthy cat that’s one goal is to conquer a household. We’ll just have to see what the next family is like won’t we >:)