Dealing with Difficult Children

The child who acts unlovable is the child who most needs to be loved. ~ Cathy Rindner Tempelsman

Childhood is a period of wide ranging experiences and emotions. Childhood is about gamboling around the parks, riding bicycles, playing with friends and having a great time. Childhood is about leading a carefree life and discovering the simple joys it has to offer everyday. Childhood is a time when children observe the world around them and involuntarily shape their opinions and ideas based on their observations. Childhood is a malleable age and hence every child needs to be handled with utmost care and love – be it the parents, family members teachers or any other people around the child.

However not everyone has a picture perfect childhood. Traumatic experiences like the loss of a parent or a loved one, domestic abuse, sexual exploitation, disastrous addictions, or a severe medical condition can scar the innocence of childhood. Even things like exposure to abusive language and behavior, sibling rivalry or peer pressure, which might seem like minute problems for some people, can have an adverse effect on an innocent child. It is at times like these when dealing with children becomes extremely difficult for the parents. Dealing with children during difficult times might not be easy, but it is a process that requires a lot of patience and care.

If you are a parent and think that you need advice about dealing with your ‘difficult child’, then the first thing that you need to do is stop thinking of your child as a ‘difficult child’. Patience is one of the most essential virtues of parenting. In case your child has been acting strange - for example showing increased aggressiveness, or even complete lack of activity and disinterest, try and analyze the root cause of the problem. Talk to your child, observe his behavior, talk to the child’s friends and teachers and discuss the problem with them. It is always safe to consult a doctor or a therapist when the child is exhibiting extremely abnormal behavioral symptoms.

The first and most important rule of parenting is ‘be involved’. Although you need not be the annoying parent who keeps on snooping on the kids, you just cannot afford to lose track of their lives. Always maintain a healthy relationship with your kid and create a comfort level that will enable the children to find you extremely approachable and helpful instead of creating a cold wall of stringent disciplinary rules and regulations. Treat your children with respect. Allow them to go out and explore the world on their own, but love them enough so that they would want to come back to you at the end of the day…

As a parent always try to explain your child the difference between freedom of speech and profanity. Inculcating a sense of freedom along with responsibility in a child is perhaps the biggest achievement of a parent. It is very easy for people to teach their child to differentiate between black and white – which means it is easy to yell and scold a child when he/she goes wrong and very easy to appreciate and encourage the child for a job well done, but the art of parenting lies in introducing your child to the gray areas of life. When a child goes wrong, parents should make it a point to rebuke, but not forget to assure the child of their faith in his/her ability to avoid such mistakes and tide over difficult situations. Similarly parents should appreciate their children’s achievements but keep them humble by reminding them of the greater things in life, which are much more difficult to attain and thus encourage them to excel further.

Teach your children to handle emotions. Emotions are not only means of expression, but also important tools that can make or break relationships with the people around us. Imbibe the importance of emotions and healthy communication. Instill a sense of positive thinking in your children, and teach them the worth of a calm composed mind. Good habits and virtues can never be taught by lecturing your children. The best way to promote good habits is by practicing them. Always lead by example. Your children are a reflection of yourself. If you go around throwing fits of uncontrolled anger and yell in the house, you cannot blame your child for being extremely aggressive or disturbed. Children emulate the behavioral characteristics that are reflected by people around them. Always set a good example for your children.

Children are never difficult to deal with, situations and emotions are. There are times when the best of us break down under difficult situations and need help. It is only natural that children will require some help from the adults while dealing with complicated issues and difficult situations, which can be a cause of great confusion and distress for the mind of an innocent child. Allow your children to experience new things, and face the world, but assure them that you will always be there to support them through all the difficulties. A child should always be nurtured with the right amount of patience, freedom, understanding, discipline and love.

While dealing with your child, think of all the experiences that you have survived and enjoyed in your life. Think of the times in your life when you thought ‘ If only I had the courage to…", "How I wish I had thought this through…", "This is the best thing that has ever happened to me…", now recollect all the virtues which you possess and analyze all the bad habits that have let you down in your life. Let your children inherit your virtues and be warned about all the things that have failed you in your life. Give sound advice to your children, but let their minds be free enough to explore and experiment on their own. As parents you must see the subtle differences between love and pampering or discipline and restriction. So cherish your children but don’t smother them, scold them for their mistakes, but don’t be too harsh so as to hurt their delicate minds and lastly give them freedom but only along with a sense of responsibility.

Parenting can be synonymous with sending your child to an art class - The various values and virtues are the colors required to create the perfect painting on the canvass of life. As parents it is up to you to choose which brand of colors, brushes and canvass you want to provide your child. The teacher might provide some help by introducing the child to the nuances of painting. But as far as the painting is concerned - it is the child who is in complete control of every stroke and every splash of color…