Dane Cook Quotes

Dane Cook is America’s most loved (and hated!) stand up comedian. With 3 successful comedy albums under his belt, he has appeared in various television shows and movies as well. Dane Cook quotes and jokes are such that one just cannot ignore him and therefore, he remains to be one of the most popular stand up comedians with the current generation. Think you can’t get enough of Dane Cook quotes? Read on for a compilation of some rib tickling Dane Cook quotes.

Dane Cook Quotes and Jokes:
"If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lie there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!"

"Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!"

"A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands."

"I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50."

"Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?"

"Nice teeth are a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it."

"I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably watching T.V., you hear a car pulling up like "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive you look out, strange car; you don’t know if it's a Government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don’t know this car," then they turn to leave you're like "You son of a bitch, you wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!"

"When you swear to God, its true. Right now God is watching and saying, "this is true."

"I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." *Shwwooosh* and zip up into the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. *Pppthhh.* 'Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude I'd be like, you know what? *PPpptthhh* Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, 'cause you're rude. *Pppttthh*... these are all dreams. These are all things we want to have. (To man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to cover him with spaghetti right now. *Ppppttthh* Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very egotistical. Ahhh Christ... Not you."

"One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni, a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe."

"I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff, ... They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing."

"When Napster first hit, I had a Website at the time, so I said, 'I'm going to take 20 clips from my first CD and I'll put them under comedy and jokes, and see what happens"