Customer Service - The Customer is No Longer Right, But Confused

Remember the days when the customer was always right? Well, no more. Now the customer is the enemy. It’s a world of hatred and vengeance. Piss off the customer service agent, and all of a sudden your personal information is being sold on the Internet. Complain about the language barrier at Taco Bell as you desperately try and place a simple order, and you are a racist. The variable story lines are as diverse as the individuals involved in the world of customer service.

In this article, I am going to take you through three situations that I have recently experienced, and then give you a tidbit of advice as to avoiding the frustrations that I suffered. Three scenarios by no means cover all facets of prevention, but they will get you thinking on how to avoid becoming the victim customer.

Better Just Say, "Bunkhouse Breakfast"

If the length of our lives were measured by the number of breaths we take, we could definitely add at least a decade to our nursing home adventure by ordering our food more appropriately while dining out. This is painfully all too true in light of our new-and-unimproved multi-bi-lingual culture here in the U.S. By definition, bi-lingual means "speaking two languages equally well." Unfortunately, the majority of our immigrant work force is actually uni-bi-lingual. This translates as "one who actually only speaks their native language well and is sadly inept with their so-called second language." A perfect example that enlightened me to the verbal life-extension awakening stems from a recent breakfast outing.

After taking my seat I was pleasantly greeted by my waitress. "How I may help you on this morning?" Hmmmm, bad grammar and poor sentence structure, compounded by an inarticulate Asian accent — all before my first caffeine fix. I’m not ready for this yet. "Hot tea with honey, no lemon please." She shuffles off to the kitchen. That went well — painless enough. Little did I know that I had already set in motion today’s first life-breath-wasting event.

She returns. Hot water . . . tea bag. Going pretty well so far. A dish of lemons. Not good. And I’m not seeing any honey. "Did you bring my honey?" She looks at me like I just asked her, in pig Latin, what the gross national product of Moscow is. "Honey . . . I asked for honey." I get that delay like I am a CNN anchor that just asked a reporter in Pakistan a question. I say it again, "Honey!" Another short pause. "Ohhhh . . . I be right back." So she shuffles off again, and finally returns with some honey. Apparently mixing the word honey with other words earlier had confused her.

"You ready I take odor."
"I’ll have two eggs over medium with bacon, extra crispy, wheat toast, and an orange juice please."
She just stands there looking at me like I am speaking a foreign language. Oh wait . . . I am speaking a foreign language — to her.
"You want egg what kine?"
"I want two eggs, over medium please."
"You want a scrammel egg?"
"No. I want two eggs . . . over medium." (I’m talking louder now, like that’s going to help. You are all guilty of the same thing when speaking to an illiterate retard, so don’t deny it.)
"Ohhhh, ova meedyum yes."
"Yes. And bacon, extra crispy." She’s not writing. She’s looking at me. Fatty bacon is on its way.
"What kine tose?"
"You heard me didn’t you? Crispy bacon." She is smiling and her head is bobbing. She’s not writing, which means that fatty bacon is still on its way.
"What kine tose?"
"Wheat toast. And an orange juice."
"What kine juice?"
"Orange juice."
"What kine, lodge or smaw?"
"Large."
"You want Bunkhouse Breakfass then."
"Uhmm, okay."

So, you see where I am going with this. Had I taken a minute to look at the menu, and simply ordered the assigned meal title that the illiterate immigrants have programmed into their microchip, eaten a little fatty bacon, and settled for whatever sides accompany the Bunkhouse Breakfast (a one-breath order), I would have most likely afforded myself at least nine additional Bingo Tuesday’s at the Yank-My-Catheter Rest Home.

Note to self: When confronted with a uni-bi-lingual food server, no ad-libbing is advised.

Technical Support — Delhi, India Style

You have all no doubt called for technical support at some point recently. For your computer, your new software, or your high-definition solar GPS-enabled diamond-studded poodle shock collar. You also most likely know that your frustrated, at-wits-end, cries for help are increasingly finding themselves routed to Bell South India, and other developing nations. Not only are your calls reaching the ears of individuals still enrolled in You Can Learn English in Only 437,312 Easy Steps, but you are paying good money for your extended technical support contract. So, one would have to beg the question, "Why would anyone want to purchase so-called first-rate technical support that comes from a third-world country?" Good question.

I recently purchased a PDA SmartPhone. So, this is all my fault right off the bat — kind of like running across eight lanes of freeway traffic with blinders on, and expecting not to get hit. Anyway, I was having issues with third-party software associated with synchronization between the phone and my computer. Software that I was assured would work with my new SmartPhone by the customer service representative with my cell phone carrier when I purchased the phone. However, that is a whole other issue that you can read about in the next section entitled, Classic Home-grown Customer Support — The Non-minority Incompetent Loser.

After a brief call to my cell phone carrier’s technical support, I was advised that I would have to contact technical support for the phone’s manufacturer. I promptly made that call. As soon as the agent answered, and introduced himself, I found myself in a mini-daydream, visualizing the setting where this man was seated. I pictured a dingy, smoky atmosphere. This man sitting at a small table under a canopy. A large ceramic Hookah water pipe within reach. Dead chickens hanging upside down from the canopy. A hand-spun Tibetan rug at his feet, and a temple elephant wandering around in the background. I am silent for the moment, anticipating what is sure to be an excruciatingly unsavory grammatical and pronunciation nightmare, atop an already troublesome and confusing technical issue.

Note: I’m a bit disappointed that I will not be able to portray the sing-song pitch accents, and syllabic rhythm, with which this man’s Indian-English was spoken. It would normally be very entertaining to listen to, but only in a Saturday Night Live skit, not when I am bordering on a technical support issue nervous breakdown. I can’t tell you how many times I had to ask him to repeat himself, but I have only included the basic gist of the conversation. What I can tell you is that he was a very thankful person, as you will see.

"Sir, you are there?
"Yes."
"Thank you. I can help you how today?"
"I am having difficulty with some third party software that is supposed to synchronize my Lotus Organizer software on my computer with the Palm OS software on my Palm Treo 700P SmartPhone."
"Thank you. You have called before on this problem?"
"No."
"Thank you. I can get your phone number should we get disconnected?"
"Sure, 702-xxx-xxxx."
"Thank you. I can help you how today?"
"I am having difficulty with some third party software that is supposed to synchronize my Lotus Organizer software on my computer with the Palm OS software on my Palm Treo 700p SmartPhone."
"Thank you. Can you tell me what is the problem?"
"I am having difficulty with some third party software that is supposed to synchronize my Lotus Organizer software on my computer with the Palm OS software on my Palm Treo 700p SmartPhone."
"Thank you. What is it doing?"
"Well, it’s not doing anything, that’s the problem. When I perform a HotSync operation it is supposed to synchronize my calendar, contacts, notepad, to-do list, etc., in my Lotus Organizer on the computer, with the same categories in my Palm OS software on the SmartPhone, but it doesn’t work. When I bought the phone, they told me that Lotus Organizer was compatible with the Palm OS software when using this particular synchronization software."

There is a long silence (although I am sure that I am hearing the faint plucking of a sitar in the background). This long pause could be the result of numerous things. Here are a few that were going through my mind: 1. He has no idea what I just said. 2. He has no idea what I am talking about. 3. He is taking a Hookah break. 4. He is finishing choking down the last of his Shish kebab. 5. He is on Google, feverishly trying to find out what Lotus Organizer is. Nevertheless, I am terribly disappointed with his next utterance.

"Thank you. Did the software you mention come with this recent purchase of your phone?"

At this point I was able to rule out that he wasn’t on Google searching for the term "third party software" during the long pause. I was fighting the urge to say, "I’ll have the Bunkhouse Breakfast," and then hang up. However, I needed to get to the bottom of my problem.

"No it didn’t."
"Thank you. Might I place you on hold as I look into this issue?"
"Uhmmm, sure."

Why not let him? After all, this wasn’t my phone bill clock ticking away, as I used the 1-800-GO-INDIA number — and anyway, I needed a solution. As I was waiting, I began to fiddle around on Google. I searched numerous terms, and keywords, associated with my problem, and I began making some headway, as I located an article entitled Synchronizing Palm OS Software with Third-party Applications. But, then I was interrupted before delving into the article.

"Thank you sir. What version of Windows is it that you are using?"
"XP."
"Thank you. And you have installed the software that came with your new phone?"
"Yes."
"Thank you. Do you find the HotSync manager icon located on your taskbar?"
"Yes, it’s there."
"Thank you. Please could you make a new test entry in the contacts section of your new phone by placing a name and phone number?"
"Yes. (I enter one) "Okay, I entered one."
"Thank you. Please could you connect your phone to your computer with the synchronization cable that came with your new phone?"
"Yes. (I connect them) "Okay, they are connected."
"Thank you. Please could you perform a HotSync by pressing the HotSync button on your phone?"
"Yes. (I press the button and the synchronization process takes place) "Okay, it’s done."
"Thank you. Please could you open the Lotus application and look now to see if the data from your test entry on your phone was transferred to your Lotus application?"
"Yes." (Of course the transfer did not take place. However, maybe they are instructed to have customers test the alleged problem, on the highly remote chance that the customer is more retarded than the tech support representative) "The contact entry did not transfer into the Lotus application."
"Thank you. Sir it seems that your phone is not recognizing the third-party software which you speak of."
"Yeah, I am aware of that. That’s why I’m calling tech support, so I can find out why. Because according to the sales agent it is supposed to work, and I can’t figure out why it isn’t working."
"Thank you. Might I place you on hold for one moment?"
"Sure."

This guy was making serious progress on my issue. I had only been on the phone for twenty-three minutes, and he was able to confirm that I was unable to synchronize my new phone with the Lotus Organizer software on my computer. I was wondering if I had actually been fortunate enough to catch an experienced tech support supervisor who was filling in for the regular guy who was on his lunch break.

Meanwhile, I got back to the article I found on Google just as my guru had come back earlier with his ground-breaking disclosures. The article refered to several personal information management software programs, and how they can, or cannot, synchronize with Palm OS software. Suddenly the clouds broke, and the light of revelation beamed down upon me. And so it stated:

". . . While previous versions of Palm’s HotSync manager software were able to synchronize with Lotus Organizer 6.0, the latest Palm SmartPhones (Treo 700 Series) contain an updated application version of the Palm HotSync manager software, which is no longer compatible with the Lotus Organizer synchronization software. And according to IBM, maker of Lotus Organizer 6.0, there is no plan to continue making updated synchronization software for Palm OS."

I hung up the phone, and proceeded to manually transfer all of my information from Lotus Organizer into my Palm software, and then delete Lotus Organizer. Funny . . . Haresh never called me back.

Note to self: When confronted with a uni-bi-lingual tech support agent, sporting a Sri Lanka snake charmer accent, hang up immediately and consult Google.

Classic Home-grown Customer Support — The Non-minority Incompetent Loser

Rest easy all of you who are reading this article and thinking, "Hey, he’s prejudice." Let me, for the record, express here and now that I truly am not prejudice. I am an equal opportunity disliker of all incompetent morons — regardless of race, sex, creed, sexual orientation, or nationality.

However, if you are a member of the American Black Housewives Association, International Federation of Armenian Ironworkers, National Same-sex Marriage Council, Slovakian Civil Liberties Delegation, Latino Day-worker’s Coalition, Fraternal Order of Pedophiles, World Alliance of Catholic Priests (I see a partnership of the previous two in the near future), Confederation of Asian Flight Attendants, Fellowship of Filipino Car Thieves, Brotherhood of Lesbian Autoworkers, or Partnership for the Toleration of Defense Attorneys, you can simmer down, breathe easy, and read on.

My next victim is a white, middle-class, American-born, English-speaking individual like myself. Well, not exactly like myself. My last CT scan revealed an average size, healthy brain (note that I did not say normal). Slide this girl into the tunnel, and I’m certain we’d be looking at what would appear to be a Tic Tac rolling around in helium balloon. However, in essence, no language barriers, no cultural differences, no racial divide — just simple stupidity. Nevertheless, I am sure that at this very moment someone from the Society of Prevention Against the Berating of Bubbly Stupid American White Chicks Under 40, has just gotten up to phone my agent and complain.

"Hello, thank you for calling XXX Wireless, my name is Brittany, may I get your name please?" (There was no mistaking her hyper southern drawl)
"Larry."
"Well thank you Larry, and where are you calling from today?"
"Las Vegas, Nevada."
"Las Vegas, wow. I bet that’s an exciting place to live."
"Yeah, it’s pretty cool, where are you at?"
"I’m in Texas — born and raised!"
"Cool."
"How can I help you today Terry?"
"Larry."
"Oh I am so sorry Larry. I have just been talking to so many people today."
"No problem."

So at that very moment a scene from the Blues Brothers movie is flashing through my mind. You know the part I am talking about. It’s the scene where Jake and Elwood walk into Bob’s Country Bunker looking for a gig, and Elwood asks Bob’s wife, "So, what kind of music do you have here?" and the wife responds in her squeaky energetic southern voice with, "Why we have both kinds . . . country and western!" If you remember that scene, imagine her taking my call and you have the picture. Yes, I am on the phone with Southern Belle Barbie.

"So what can I do for you today Larry?"
"Well, I just upgraded to a new phone, and extended my contract another two years, and I’d like to upgrade my current protection plan."

Quick note: There are three plans available. I am looking right at them in my phone’s brochure.
Plan A: $1.99 a month = Extended Manufacturer’s Warranty (which I currently had).
Plan B: $4.99 a month = Replacement (lost, stolen, or damaged phone. No extended warranty).
Plan C: $5.99 a month = Total Coverage (Both Plan A & B, which saves you .99 cents a month).

"Larry, can I get the last four digits of your social security number?"
"1-2-3-4."
"Thank you. Let me take a look and see what protection plan you currently have on your phone." (pause) "Okay, I see that you currently only have our extended manufacturer’s warranty."
"Yes that’s correct."
"Well you have many options available to you. You can either stay with your current protection, or upgrade to one of our other plans."

Okay, so you folks read my "quick note" above right? First, I don’t have "many" options available, only I have two, because I am calling to upgrade from my current Extended Manufacturer’s Warranty plan. Even If I had no current plan, I would only have three options, not "many." Secondly, I’m pretty sure that I won’t choose to "stay with my current plan" since I specifically told Brittany that I was calling to "upgrade my current plan," which is why she is explaining the plan options to me in the first place. She probably would have had more success if she had tried talking me into trading in my new phone for a box of condoms, as Birth Control Barbie.

Anyway, in my mind at that moment, I was fantasizing about standing on stage playing Jeopardy.
"Our returning champion, with current winnings of $68,000 is Larry Cox. Larry, pick a category."
"Alex, I’ll take Upgrading My Current Plan for $400."
"This annoying brain-damaged customer service agent was confused by the terms "upgrade" and "many."
"Who is Brittany."
"Who is Brittany, correct!" (large applause)

Anyway, back to the story.

"Well Larry, you can upgrade to our Replacement coverage, which would replace your phone if it was lost, stolen, or damaged."
"Well I don’t want to get rid of my extended manufacturer’s warranty, so I was thinking . . ."
(I abruptly get cut off by Southern Baptist Barbie)
"Well Larry, you can still keep your extended warranty, that’s no problem. I can just add the replacement coverage to your plan for $4.99 a month."

Now I’m not hard up for cash, but I’ll be damned if I am going to let Mental Illness Barbie con me out of .99 cents a month. And of course, who could resist the apparent fun that was to come —certainly not me.

"Brittany, just sign me up for the Total Coverage plan."
"Well I can certainly do that. Let me just add the Total Coverage for you. (pause) Now, did you want the Replacement coverage as well?"
"The Replacement coverage is part of the Total Coverage."
"Well, I just wanted to make sure you wanted to add it, because your monthly charge will be a little more than what you are paying now."
"Yes, I know, but it is not going to cost me any more than the Total Coverage plan, because the Replacement coverage is part of that plan."
"Yes it is, but that will be $5.99 more a month."
"Well, it won’t be $5.99 more a month. It will actually be $4.00 more, because the Extended Warranty will also be included."
"Oh, did you want to keep the Extended Warranty also?"
"Well, it’s part of the Total Coverage plan."
"The Extended Warranty is $1.99 a month."
"Well it says in the brochure that the Extended Warranty is included in the Total Coverage plan."
"That Extended Warranty is provided by the company that provides the Replacement Coverage."
"Uhmm, yeah, so why are you talking about the extended warranty being a $1.99 more a month?"
"The $1.99 is for the XXX Wireless Extended Warranty."
"So what’s the difference between the two warranties?"
"There’s no difference sir, one is provided by XXX Wireless, and the other is provided by XYZ Phone Insurance."
"Well I don’t need both then. Why would I want to spend $7.98 a month when I can get the same coverage for $5.99?"
"Well that’s up to you sir."
(I laugh) "Okay, well I don’t want to do that."
"Okay, so do you want me to remove the XXX Wireless Extended Warranty?"
"I thought the whole purpose of signing up for the Total Coverage plan was to bundle all of the protection coverage’s into one plan for $5.99 a month."
"Well you can certainly do that."
"Well I don’t have much of a choice, if I sign up for the Total Coverage plan, then that is exactly what is going to happen. Otherwise I would be purchasing the Replacement Coverage for $5.99 and the XXX Wireless Extended Warranty for $1.99, and spending $6.98, when I could just spend $5.99 for the Total Coverage plan."
"Yes, I guess you could look at it that way."
"You know what Brittany, I’ve changed my mind. Have a great day."

So, I hung up on Mathematically Challenged Barbie, and head straight for the XXX Wireless web site, go to my account, go to the FAQ’s, select "Coverage Plans," select the link to "Update Coverage Plan," and then I select to add the Total Coverage plan to my phone for $5.99 a month, which automatically removed the $1.99 charge for the Extended Warranty, because it is now included in my new coverage plan. I select "Add Coverage," log out of my account, and head out the door to lunch. The whole process from hang up to walking out the door took all of about six minutes, with zero aggravation.

Note to self: When confronted with a bubbly, over-friendly customer service agent named Brittany, hang up immediately and check the FAQ section of the company’s web site.

I hope that sharing my experiences, and three helpful tips, will give you the insight to head off such encounters in the future. Best of luck with your next customer service episode, and don’t be a confused victim customer!