Create Jobs in America: Stop Building Banks

Lately, there's been a lot of talk amongst socialist types (i.e. Warren Buffet) about letting tax cuts for the wealthy expire and closing tax loopholes for a few luxury items. They'll give you all types of skewered statistics about wage disparities and tell you that the richest 400 Americans have accumulated as much money as half of the country. They may even get you wondering how a reasonable person could support any sort of break for these ultra wealthy folks when they're hoarding all the money but not creating any jobs, despite the "job creators" moniker given to them by some apparently confused politicians. These people are engaging in what is commonly called "class warfare" or, in some circles, "poor people trying not to starve to death". What they fail to realize, however, is that those jobs are right on the horizon, we just have to do two things- keep the tax cuts and stop building new banks.

This may be hard for you to comprehend if you don't have a sophisticated economic mind like I do (which comes in very handy in my job as a truck driver), so let me explain. On August fifth The Federal Reserve reported that cash held by U.S. banks rose over eight percent to $981 billion. Shortly afterward, Bank of New York Mellon announced plans to start charging fees to clients who have too much money in their bank, a scenario that one analyst said "I've never seen (this) happen, not in 25 years". Clearly, it is getting to a point that the richest Americans are simply running out of room to store their money. "What does this mean to me, an everyday Working Joe?" you might ask. That's a good question, Joe, and here's the answer. When the vaults are so overstuffed with cash that the bank just can't accept anymore, then, finally, the job creators, being encumbered by all that extra undepositable money, will do America the favor of creating some jobs.

I know what you're thinking- "Wow, this is a dream come true. I knew trickle-down economics work and the economic policies of the last thirty years weren't just a big scam. I should be employed again anytime now" but you need to do your part, too. You see, in a lot of places, new banks are still being built. I live in Port Charlotte, Florida, a small retirement community that no one would ever have heard of if not for Hurricane Charley, and we currently have three new banks under construction. This gives the wealthy new places to store their money, which holds them back from creating jobs. There's an old Native American saying that goes like this- All politics is local. So go to your local zoning board meeting and tell them "I need a job. No new banks." That will solve part of the problem, but we still need to fill those existing vaults. They're getting hard to close (one guy has to push while another person turns the lock) but until they're completely overflowing with greenbacks- no job for you. Write your local congressperson and state senator and tell them to keep all the tax cuts and maybe make a few more.

If we all follow this simple plan banks everywhere will soon be busting at the seams with cash and America will be on the track to gainful employment for its citizens. Also, if you can, maybe just take your next unemployment check and send it to some random billionaire to speed up the process.