Couple Trouble When Money Trouble Comes Calling

Most couples get together because they "fall in love." Most couples have real challenges when they "fall into fear." Fear breeds competition, arguments, suspicion, blaming and ego centered behavior.

I can testify to people’s present fear given my own practice. It is not what is happening, but what is NOT happening. People have stopped calling in for therapy. Very unusual for a well established therapist. And my colleagues say the same thing. My dentist also is hurting. All over people offering important services are not being accessed because people are scared. Folks are holding onto their dollars and putting off whatever they can.

And, I can’t blame them. I’m doing the same!

However, it can get troublesome. When couples are merely afraid about money their relationship suffers. When someone loses a job things can get really difficult. Behaviors or quirks that were non-issues can suddenly take on new emphasis. Low level disputes become huge arguments. Intimacy, both emotional and physical, can suffer new lows.

No need to describe it further. You understand. We all do. At such a time it is certainly appropriate to continue working on the quality of the relationship, but let’s be real, our real focus is food on the table, clothes for the kids, and paying that inverted mortgage.

So, what to do?

I learned an important insight in moving to my present location in 1991. I immediately began building a counseling practice. It came along slowly as they all tend to do. I made headway. I gained a client here and there. However, the hardest thing was my sense of being non-productive.

I had spent years learning and training, and now I sat on my hands. I became increasingly depressed, feeling further and further separated from my wife and her excitement over her new job. Thankfully, after about 6 months, things really picked up in my work and I got on with life. But I learned my lesson about being productive.

It may be mostly a male thing, but I’ve seen it in women, as well. It’s not so much the money, but the feeling of being useless. We all need the sense that we are making a difference in the world. With a job loss, or even finances getting tight, we easily can fall into the worthless trap. We feel as though we’re no longer good enough. Time stretches on and we become immobilized. And, our partners can do very little for us but look on in sympathy, frustration or even anger.

Let’s avoid this with some simple but difficult action. Let’s do something that’s keeps us feeling productive and makes a few dollars at the same time.

Idea #1: It has become a common thing to sell stuff on Ebay. Most people, if they haven’t done this themselves, know someone who has. My secretary makes some regular money on ebay. Her main job is in our office, but she is always looking for things she can sell for just a little more than she paid. She sets up an auction, and ships the products when it is over. Time consuming, but fairly simple.

Her best 3 months were this summer when she grossed over $2000 per month. Part of this was selling some things around the house she no longer wanted, like the old china. She figures that, after expenses, she made about $1500/month. Can she do that ever month? No. After all, we keep her busy in the office. But this is a great way to feel occupied and productive when jobs are tough to find, and the budget is very tight.

Idea #2: I know a homeless man living in a shelter that is doing yard work for $25 per hour. He simply advertised in our local paper. People are trying to get their yards ready for winter. With a little negotiation on his part, they are having him rake and bag leaves, clean gutters and generally clean up for them. Many are not-quite-elderly, but past their physical prime. This man is now anticipating offering his services to this same population for removing their snow from sidewalks and driveways. They only thing I would encourage him to add to his program is the free advertising on Craig’s List. If you’re not familiar with this nationwide free ad service just google it.

Idea #3: I was commuting to work this week when it occurred to me that many people are going to be looking for affordable Christmas presents this year. They won’t be using the charge cards with abandon this time around.

If you are familiar with looking for bargains at thrift stores and pawn shops, you could advertise your services to find these affordable Christmas presents. Ask for a reasonable finders fee and provide a very valuable service to hard pressed folks. Sounds like a win-win solution to me.

The key to these ideas is to get moving and beat the depression and anxiety of these times. We need not allow our relationships to succumb to these troubling times. My ideas are certainly just short term solutions (although some people can make them into real businesses), but they get at the heart of the non-productivity that robs us of our strength.

So, be productive, and make a few bucks along the way.

Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice.

Married 30 years to Pam, his partner in Life and profession, he has personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple experience.

Couple Trouble When Money Trouble Comes Calling
Money trouble makes for great stress on your relationship. Here's a few ideas to feel confident and productive again.