Core Stress Relief - Mind the Gap

In increasing numbers, people are seeking relief from stress. Many of them are searching for a magic potion, a relaxation CD or whatever else they believe will provide the stress relief they need.

But there are times when the answer is within, and looking there need not be the scary place you imagine it is.

I’ve spent many years professionally helping people to gain stress relief, and through this process I gradually became aware of one particular cause that was common amongst them. I call it ‘the gap’ – the space between where they thought they should be and where they were.

I’ll use a personal experience from a few years ago to demonstrate what I mean:

My girlfriend one day commented that the lifestyle we enjoyed was one that many people craved. With a very pleasant home in the UK, situated opposite an attractive park which, via woodland, lead to the Peak District, this is certainly true! In fact, I believe that areas in the Peak District are among the most beautiful places on this planet – and I’m a person who loves traveling around the world!

What’s more, the work I do enables me to enjoy this beautiful place when I choose. For instance, if the sun is shining (yes – even in the UK!) and I have a couple of hours before my next client, I can take my wonderful dog, go through the park and enjoy a relaxing and enjoyable walk, exploring nature. Now that’s freedom!

Would you believe that until this realization I’d become rather dissatisfied with my life and was striving to achieve more – even though in reality I’d already got most of what I wanted? Once I’d adjusted my thinking to the way things really were I was able to remove a large part of the stress in my life.

But let me show you another example of how thinking things should be different can create stress.

I had a business a few years ago but was unhappy that it wasn’t further advanced than it was, that it wasn’t making more profit and that it wasn’t easier to run, having read numerous stories about people who’d had amazing success very quickly. Of course I now know that these individuals are not very common.

I have a trusted friend with expertise and knowledge in this area, so I asked him to check out my business. His response was that it was pretty good and that I was doing a lot better than most people would be at that stage. Clearly I had a distorted view of how things should be, and wasn’t able to recognize that they were actually okay.

If you too have a trait like this, perhaps you’d gain some benefit from reviewing, as I did, where you think you are and where you think you should be, in relation to whatever issue you’re stressed about.

If the outcome is that you believe things should be different you can do a ‘reality check’. Ask yourself whether your situation is really how you feel it is, then question whether your assertion that things should be different is, in fact, an assumption on your part.

You need to get proper information regarding your situation in reality to enable you to re-assess it.

It’s not always easy to assess your real situation so you’ll need to pay close attention to what you do have, then ask yourself whether this is part of the way towards what you want.

Just remember that our core passions and values have lead you to this point, and that’s powerful. The fact that you may want to change those is a different issue.

My recognition of the Gap and the stress it caused me, happened many years ago. Building on that experience I now use ‘mindfulness’ with my clients. I help them to pay attention to the here and now and the thoughts that pass through their minds, and this in itself can be powerful in getting them back in touch with the important things – their passions, their purpose and their achievements in life.

Coach John Nolan
About Coach John Nolan