Concrete Angel - Already?
A girl whose past has come to haunt her.
I ran to my room and took all of my clothes off and changed into the usual: ripped jeans, old-fashioned shirts, and red shoes. I was still putting my shirt on when I entered the kitchen to grab a granola bar. But when I opened the almost empty cupboard, then only thing sitting there was an empty granola bar box. I screamed in frustration.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," I chanted aloud, "Why did I have to forget yesterday to buy granola bars? Why today did I have to run out?" I said aloud, even though I knew there was nobody in the house but me. I threw the box on the floor in irritation, when I knew I'd have to pick it up later. I stomped out of the kitchen, flew back to my room to get my backpack and left. I started running to school. I was already late, and I knew I would get sweat stains, but I didn't care. Everybody else already thinks I'm weird, disgusting, and feels sorry/ wonders why I'm black and blue. When I ran the first four blocks I started to get winded. I started heaving and I got a severe ache in the right side of my stomach. I knew I didn't have time to stop for a breather, but my body screamed for it anyway. I tried to push my legs to go faster, but when I was about one meter away from the school parking lot my legs gave in. Once again, my cheek hit the floor, where it belonged. I felt like lying there. I felt like laying there and letting my flaming muscles cool off. But I somehow knew this very meeting I am about to have with Mrs. Turbler will be the most important meeting of my life.
I eventually got up, even though it took all the will power I had. I ran to the school, then I ran to my locker. I grabbed my English books and headed to the class. Surprisingly there were no students in the hallway. No students in the hallway could only mean one thing. I was late. My slow pace quickly changed into a panicked sprint. I ran to my class and almost over ran it. I skidded to a stop and walked through the door when Mrs. Turbler was in the middle of giving a lecture. Her shocked expression quickly turned into a relieved one, then a stern one.
"I'm glad to see that you cared to join us, Miss McCauley." said Mrs. Turbler
I nodded in embarrassment, and proceeded to my usual seat - in the back of the room. When I took my seat, Mrs. Turbler's expression softened, as she continued with her lecture. As the hour ticked by I continuously glanced up at the clock above the whiteboard aimlessly. Finally, the bell rang, and all the students got up, and I still sat in my seat, waiting for all the students to be filed out. When there was nobody left in the room but me and Mrs. Turbler I walked up to her desk. Mrs. Turbler was shuffling papers when I approached her desk.
"So..." I said un evenly. Mrs. Turbler looked up with a phlegmatic expression.
"Why were you late? Why didn't you come to school in the morning? Why didn't you at least call me? I was worried sick about you. I thought your mother would have caught you, and...you know...cut the line." Her expression turned to a worried one.
"I didn't die," I stated the obvious, "I didn't call you because I didn't know your number nonetheless have a phonebook, I didn't come to school because I was cleaning Laura's bathroom, and I was late because there was an...incident." I explained.
"Oh...why were you cleaning her bathroom?"
"Because it was a punishment. She did catch me but instead of hurting me directly physically, she did it indirectly."
"Oh but how is cleaning a bad punishment?"
"Well, if you knew what was up there...," I thought about Mr. Harding,"Well I'll just say not many pretty things are up there." I thought a bout Mr. Harding's hangover and the rat. I saw Mrs. Turbler's expression turn to a questioning expression. Then she shuddered. I suppressed a laugh. I bet she was probably thinking of something like skeletons or blood. I tweaked a smile.
"So...what's on the agenda today?" I asked.
"Oh, nothing actually." Mrs. Turbler said matter-of-factly.
"What?" I asked skeptically
"Actually last night I really didn't have much to do, nothing much to grade at all, so I did some research. You know, to keep me busy. And eventually, two hours into research, I became obsessed. I figured out where he lives - exactly, I figured out what he does for living - he's a teacher, I figured out if he's married - no he's not, I figured out if he has another child - he doesn't they talk about you a tiny bit, and I found out the plain tickets - we can go on next Friday, and that's what I think is all we need to know. Now I know we still have transportation issues, you know - with the busses and etcetera. But I think you could be out and about by next Friday. We just have to get you packed, oh and the flight takes off an hour after school, so Laura wouldn't even know. Sound good? "
The truth is I'm shocked. This is just happening so quickly. Am I ready? Will I be ready...ever?
"Honey? Why aren't you excited? You should be happy that you get to get away from the loch nest monster. What's wrong?"
"Nothing...I just need a moment to...to think." I said uneasily. I walked to the front desk and just stared blankly at the pencil engraved desk.
_____ _____
l V l
\ /
\ J+K /
\ Forever /
\ /
\ /
V
I stared at the affectionately engrossed markings. Why can't anyone ever love me? I asked silently. Why? Everyone else is happy with their so-called relationship, and their supposed problems. I usually just ignore all the affectionate makings these young teenagers do nowadays. I use to hate it when all the little girls would be so happy that they get to go to a father daughter dance. I envied their good fortune. They are so lucky, and they don't realize it. One time I actually went to the father daughter dance just to see what they were like, and the chaperones were shocked, but they let me proceed. It was torcher.
I was just sitting down on a table, with my homemade Hawaiian outfit - tree leaves threaded through a small hole. I had a normal t-shirt I wear all the time, and I, of course was wearing my ruby red over sized covers. I watched as all the little girls danced with their friends- completely ignoring their father's. But when a slow song would come on, their father's asked them to dance, and they went, since all the other girl's father's already dancing. I watch as their fathers would swing them around, the girls screaming with joy. I also watch as the girls would be held by their dad so affectionately, and carefully. I watched how the girls would step on their father's toes as they would sway back and forth. Eventually, I couldn't take it any more. I got up abruptly from my seat and knocked over the chair. Everyone stared at me. I continued to the lemonade and water and pushed the kegs over the table and watched the drinks spill out. I popped every balloon and contaminated every bowl of ice cream with spit. But before I could start on the music that was playing, I was being yanked by my arms and being kicked out of the dance. I was throne out onto the concrete and just lied there once more as I did so many times before.
I pulled myself out of my flashback and stared once more at the engraved heart. I thought about how good it would feel to get a hug from my own flesh and blood, my father's warm hug. I wondered how it would be like to feel me in his arms and feel that same love every girl gets from day one. Suddenly, I knew my answer.
"Yes...," I said after a long time " Yes, I am excited." I said as I forced a smile. I could see uncertainty in Mrs. Turbler's eyes. She put on a brave smile and patted my back.
"Atta girl, now we should celebrate for a job well done. I know, let's go to the doughnut store"
"Uhh...,"I said unsteadily "how about tomorrow?" I suggested.
"Why tomorrow, Why not now?" asked Mrs. Turbler.
"Well... since I haven't been to school today I'm sure I have loads of homework and I really need to get started on it...is that okay?" Mrs. Turbler scratched her scalp.
"Oh...yea of course...school first right?" Mrs.Turbler laughed nervously and sat down in her chair. I kinda felt bad for leaving Mrs.Turbler to a bunch of school work and loneliness at home. But I had my grades to worry about. If Laura even saw one B she would whip me.
"Yea... well I'll see you tomorrow." I said as I gathered up my things.
"Right..."
I walked out of the door feeling guilty. But...for what? What should I be guilty of? I turned a corner to my locker. I go out my math book, science, geometry, and chem. Book. I felt a surge of guilt and sadness, how could I leave her looking like that? I asked myself silently. I slammed my locker door I frustration. I stomped my foot and headed to the library. The halls were quiet and the only noise was the football team practicing outside. I walked by the field, I don't think I've ever been on this side of the school before. I've always gone the shorter way to the library. I watched as the boys would do pushups, then up downs, and then as they start pushing sleds. I got caught up in the amazement on how they would want to work their bodies so much just for a simple sport.
I watched how they would work out and the way they would position themselves just to hike a football. I've never actually played any sports. Laura would never give me the money or provide transportation. If I could play any sport it would be softball. Its so fun when we played it in P.E. I mean, I'm not the best but I think I could be if I was allowed to be. I sighed in defeat. Just face it, nagged my conscience Laura would just bring you down if you did try out. So why even try? Suddenly I took an interest in my feet. I studied the pebbles on the ground and the gum stains.
"But, when I get away of that bitch I could ask father." I reasoned with myself. But do you really think he would say yes? What if he doesn't remember you? Then you'd be off on the streets. You know you wouldn't be able to go back to Laura. How would you survive then? Go back to Mrs. Turbler and ask for forgiveness for bailing on her? She is doing this all for you. I kicked a rock angrily.
"You know, for a conscience you're a pretty crappy one!" I contradicted myself. I started walking around the field arguing with myself. When I passed the cheerleaders I heard a lot of "Who is she's" and "Did you see what she's wearing's?" I ignored the powder puff girls and continued mumbling to myself. I didn't know where I was going because I was looking at the ground. But before I knew it I was staring at the sky.
"Oh I'm so sorry." said a voice. Then a hand was extended toward me. I took it searching for the person's eyes. As I got up I didn't just get eyes I got a face too. It was a familiar face, but I couldn't remember the name. I saw beautiful sky blue eyes, and a beautiful face to match. Every girl's dream boy, cute and nice.
"Are you okay? Sorry I bumped into you I was distracted." said the boy.
"No...It - it's okay I wasn't paying attention." I said. I focused my eyes on his body, muscular, he's a football player, and he is really thirsty right now.
"Right...my name's Logan. Who are you?" he extended his hand towards me to shake. I took it and shook it gently wide eyed. Logan...Harding?
"Ummm....my name's Madison."
"Madison...that name sounds familiar, do I know you?"
"Well actually I cannot answer that question for you, because if you knew me you would recall my name easily. But I guess you should know me...I think I'm in your literature class. But I can see why you don't remember me."
"What? How can you see why I don't remember you?"
"Well, its simple actually, my right cheek is usually facing you, unlike this time you are looking at my left cheek. Here maybe now you will remember me." I adjusted my body so he could get a good look at my scar which brought me so many memories. He stared at the strait line across my face for a long time.
"Yea, yea now I remember you...how did you get that scar in the first place?" Logan asked. I flinched. I know it's a pretty simple question. All I have to do is tell him the truth. And that is what I'm afraid of. So instead of telling him the truth, I did what I do best. I lied.
"When I was little, I was running with scissors, the sharp edge was toward my face. I was running and then I tripped and the scissors scratched my cheek." Logan clenched his teeth and took a deep breath.
"Ouch. That must have hurt." I looked away from him and switched my attention to the sky. I know I've been lying since I've been born...but lately it's been getting harder and harder. That's because now more people actually care about you, and you feel guilty about it. Well, maybe if you'd shut up then it would be easier. I told my conscience.
"It sure did."
"Can I touch it?" Logan asked. I was taken aback by his random question. Can I touch it? Those words ran around and around in the walls of my head. Why would anyone want to touch my scar? Well, judging since he is a guy, maybe he thinks it's cool stupid. But it's not cool. Laura ruined my face. I argued. But he doesn't know that, to him it's just a scar you got when you were little. It means nothing to him. But to you it is like a reminder of how rough your life has been a reminder of who you are. I pondered what my conscience a moment.
"Ummm..okay?"
"Awesome." Logan mumbled and reached out his index finger towards my scar. His finger felt warm as the son on my cold, beaten face. Of course I wanted more, but as soon as he dropped his hand, he became quiet. I could feel the awkward tension between us. I felt like a magnet. He is the positivelike most everything in his lifeand I am the negativethe one nobody wants, and has the worst of everything and all of a sudden we realized we both have a soft magnetic pull which slowly makes us both wonder.
"Logan!" a balding, fat man in small shorts and a whistle, yells. I am guessing the football coach. "Get your ass over here!"
"Be right there Coach!" Logan hollers back. He turns back to me. "Well I have to go Madison. Catch you later?"
"Right. Catch you later." I mumbled as he turned around walking toward his coach. But absentmindedly disconnecting the magnetic pull. I sighed and ran to the library.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," I chanted aloud, "Why did I have to forget yesterday to buy granola bars? Why today did I have to run out?" I said aloud, even though I knew there was nobody in the house but me. I threw the box on the floor in irritation, when I knew I'd have to pick it up later. I stomped out of the kitchen, flew back to my room to get my backpack and left. I started running to school. I was already late, and I knew I would get sweat stains, but I didn't care. Everybody else already thinks I'm weird, disgusting, and feels sorry/ wonders why I'm black and blue. When I ran the first four blocks I started to get winded. I started heaving and I got a severe ache in the right side of my stomach. I knew I didn't have time to stop for a breather, but my body screamed for it anyway. I tried to push my legs to go faster, but when I was about one meter away from the school parking lot my legs gave in. Once again, my cheek hit the floor, where it belonged. I felt like lying there. I felt like laying there and letting my flaming muscles cool off. But I somehow knew this very meeting I am about to have with Mrs. Turbler will be the most important meeting of my life.
I eventually got up, even though it took all the will power I had. I ran to the school, then I ran to my locker. I grabbed my English books and headed to the class. Surprisingly there were no students in the hallway. No students in the hallway could only mean one thing. I was late. My slow pace quickly changed into a panicked sprint. I ran to my class and almost over ran it. I skidded to a stop and walked through the door when Mrs. Turbler was in the middle of giving a lecture. Her shocked expression quickly turned into a relieved one, then a stern one.
"I'm glad to see that you cared to join us, Miss McCauley." said Mrs. Turbler
I nodded in embarrassment, and proceeded to my usual seat - in the back of the room. When I took my seat, Mrs. Turbler's expression softened, as she continued with her lecture. As the hour ticked by I continuously glanced up at the clock above the whiteboard aimlessly. Finally, the bell rang, and all the students got up, and I still sat in my seat, waiting for all the students to be filed out. When there was nobody left in the room but me and Mrs. Turbler I walked up to her desk. Mrs. Turbler was shuffling papers when I approached her desk.
"So..." I said un evenly. Mrs. Turbler looked up with a phlegmatic expression.
"Why were you late? Why didn't you come to school in the morning? Why didn't you at least call me? I was worried sick about you. I thought your mother would have caught you, and...you know...cut the line." Her expression turned to a worried one.
"I didn't die," I stated the obvious, "I didn't call you because I didn't know your number nonetheless have a phonebook, I didn't come to school because I was cleaning Laura's bathroom, and I was late because there was an...incident." I explained.
"Oh...why were you cleaning her bathroom?"
"Because it was a punishment. She did catch me but instead of hurting me directly physically, she did it indirectly."
"Oh but how is cleaning a bad punishment?"
"Well, if you knew what was up there...," I thought about Mr. Harding,"Well I'll just say not many pretty things are up there." I thought a bout Mr. Harding's hangover and the rat. I saw Mrs. Turbler's expression turn to a questioning expression. Then she shuddered. I suppressed a laugh. I bet she was probably thinking of something like skeletons or blood. I tweaked a smile.
"So...what's on the agenda today?" I asked.
"Oh, nothing actually." Mrs. Turbler said matter-of-factly.
"What?" I asked skeptically
"Actually last night I really didn't have much to do, nothing much to grade at all, so I did some research. You know, to keep me busy. And eventually, two hours into research, I became obsessed. I figured out where he lives - exactly, I figured out what he does for living - he's a teacher, I figured out if he's married - no he's not, I figured out if he has another child - he doesn't they talk about you a tiny bit, and I found out the plain tickets - we can go on next Friday, and that's what I think is all we need to know. Now I know we still have transportation issues, you know - with the busses and etcetera. But I think you could be out and about by next Friday. We just have to get you packed, oh and the flight takes off an hour after school, so Laura wouldn't even know. Sound good? "
The truth is I'm shocked. This is just happening so quickly. Am I ready? Will I be ready...ever?
"Honey? Why aren't you excited? You should be happy that you get to get away from the loch nest monster. What's wrong?"
"Nothing...I just need a moment to...to think." I said uneasily. I walked to the front desk and just stared blankly at the pencil engraved desk.
_____ _____
l V l
\ /
\ J+K /
\ Forever /
\ /
\ /
V
I stared at the affectionately engrossed markings. Why can't anyone ever love me? I asked silently. Why? Everyone else is happy with their so-called relationship, and their supposed problems. I usually just ignore all the affectionate makings these young teenagers do nowadays. I use to hate it when all the little girls would be so happy that they get to go to a father daughter dance. I envied their good fortune. They are so lucky, and they don't realize it. One time I actually went to the father daughter dance just to see what they were like, and the chaperones were shocked, but they let me proceed. It was torcher.
I was just sitting down on a table, with my homemade Hawaiian outfit - tree leaves threaded through a small hole. I had a normal t-shirt I wear all the time, and I, of course was wearing my ruby red over sized covers. I watched as all the little girls danced with their friends- completely ignoring their father's. But when a slow song would come on, their father's asked them to dance, and they went, since all the other girl's father's already dancing. I watch as their fathers would swing them around, the girls screaming with joy. I also watch as the girls would be held by their dad so affectionately, and carefully. I watched how the girls would step on their father's toes as they would sway back and forth. Eventually, I couldn't take it any more. I got up abruptly from my seat and knocked over the chair. Everyone stared at me. I continued to the lemonade and water and pushed the kegs over the table and watched the drinks spill out. I popped every balloon and contaminated every bowl of ice cream with spit. But before I could start on the music that was playing, I was being yanked by my arms and being kicked out of the dance. I was throne out onto the concrete and just lied there once more as I did so many times before.
I pulled myself out of my flashback and stared once more at the engraved heart. I thought about how good it would feel to get a hug from my own flesh and blood, my father's warm hug. I wondered how it would be like to feel me in his arms and feel that same love every girl gets from day one. Suddenly, I knew my answer.
"Yes...," I said after a long time " Yes, I am excited." I said as I forced a smile. I could see uncertainty in Mrs. Turbler's eyes. She put on a brave smile and patted my back.
"Atta girl, now we should celebrate for a job well done. I know, let's go to the doughnut store"
"Uhh...,"I said unsteadily "how about tomorrow?" I suggested.
"Why tomorrow, Why not now?" asked Mrs. Turbler.
"Well... since I haven't been to school today I'm sure I have loads of homework and I really need to get started on it...is that okay?" Mrs. Turbler scratched her scalp.
"Oh...yea of course...school first right?" Mrs.Turbler laughed nervously and sat down in her chair. I kinda felt bad for leaving Mrs.Turbler to a bunch of school work and loneliness at home. But I had my grades to worry about. If Laura even saw one B she would whip me.
"Yea... well I'll see you tomorrow." I said as I gathered up my things.
"Right..."
I walked out of the door feeling guilty. But...for what? What should I be guilty of? I turned a corner to my locker. I go out my math book, science, geometry, and chem. Book. I felt a surge of guilt and sadness, how could I leave her looking like that? I asked myself silently. I slammed my locker door I frustration. I stomped my foot and headed to the library. The halls were quiet and the only noise was the football team practicing outside. I walked by the field, I don't think I've ever been on this side of the school before. I've always gone the shorter way to the library. I watched as the boys would do pushups, then up downs, and then as they start pushing sleds. I got caught up in the amazement on how they would want to work their bodies so much just for a simple sport.
I watched how they would work out and the way they would position themselves just to hike a football. I've never actually played any sports. Laura would never give me the money or provide transportation. If I could play any sport it would be softball. Its so fun when we played it in P.E. I mean, I'm not the best but I think I could be if I was allowed to be. I sighed in defeat. Just face it, nagged my conscience Laura would just bring you down if you did try out. So why even try? Suddenly I took an interest in my feet. I studied the pebbles on the ground and the gum stains.
"But, when I get away of that bitch I could ask father." I reasoned with myself. But do you really think he would say yes? What if he doesn't remember you? Then you'd be off on the streets. You know you wouldn't be able to go back to Laura. How would you survive then? Go back to Mrs. Turbler and ask for forgiveness for bailing on her? She is doing this all for you. I kicked a rock angrily.
"You know, for a conscience you're a pretty crappy one!" I contradicted myself. I started walking around the field arguing with myself. When I passed the cheerleaders I heard a lot of "Who is she's" and "Did you see what she's wearing's?" I ignored the powder puff girls and continued mumbling to myself. I didn't know where I was going because I was looking at the ground. But before I knew it I was staring at the sky.
"Oh I'm so sorry." said a voice. Then a hand was extended toward me. I took it searching for the person's eyes. As I got up I didn't just get eyes I got a face too. It was a familiar face, but I couldn't remember the name. I saw beautiful sky blue eyes, and a beautiful face to match. Every girl's dream boy, cute and nice.
"Are you okay? Sorry I bumped into you I was distracted." said the boy.
"No...It - it's okay I wasn't paying attention." I said. I focused my eyes on his body, muscular, he's a football player, and he is really thirsty right now.
"Right...my name's Logan. Who are you?" he extended his hand towards me to shake. I took it and shook it gently wide eyed. Logan...Harding?
"Ummm....my name's Madison."
"Madison...that name sounds familiar, do I know you?"
"Well actually I cannot answer that question for you, because if you knew me you would recall my name easily. But I guess you should know me...I think I'm in your literature class. But I can see why you don't remember me."
"What? How can you see why I don't remember you?"
"Well, its simple actually, my right cheek is usually facing you, unlike this time you are looking at my left cheek. Here maybe now you will remember me." I adjusted my body so he could get a good look at my scar which brought me so many memories. He stared at the strait line across my face for a long time.
"Yea, yea now I remember you...how did you get that scar in the first place?" Logan asked. I flinched. I know it's a pretty simple question. All I have to do is tell him the truth. And that is what I'm afraid of. So instead of telling him the truth, I did what I do best. I lied.
"When I was little, I was running with scissors, the sharp edge was toward my face. I was running and then I tripped and the scissors scratched my cheek." Logan clenched his teeth and took a deep breath.
"Ouch. That must have hurt." I looked away from him and switched my attention to the sky. I know I've been lying since I've been born...but lately it's been getting harder and harder. That's because now more people actually care about you, and you feel guilty about it. Well, maybe if you'd shut up then it would be easier. I told my conscience.
"It sure did."
"Can I touch it?" Logan asked. I was taken aback by his random question. Can I touch it? Those words ran around and around in the walls of my head. Why would anyone want to touch my scar? Well, judging since he is a guy, maybe he thinks it's cool stupid. But it's not cool. Laura ruined my face. I argued. But he doesn't know that, to him it's just a scar you got when you were little. It means nothing to him. But to you it is like a reminder of how rough your life has been a reminder of who you are. I pondered what my conscience a moment.
"Ummm..okay?"
"Awesome." Logan mumbled and reached out his index finger towards my scar. His finger felt warm as the son on my cold, beaten face. Of course I wanted more, but as soon as he dropped his hand, he became quiet. I could feel the awkward tension between us. I felt like a magnet. He is the positivelike most everything in his lifeand I am the negativethe one nobody wants, and has the worst of everything and all of a sudden we realized we both have a soft magnetic pull which slowly makes us both wonder.
"Logan!" a balding, fat man in small shorts and a whistle, yells. I am guessing the football coach. "Get your ass over here!"
"Be right there Coach!" Logan hollers back. He turns back to me. "Well I have to go Madison. Catch you later?"
"Right. Catch you later." I mumbled as he turned around walking toward his coach. But absentmindedly disconnecting the magnetic pull. I sighed and ran to the library.
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