Class Reunion (Part 3)

The morning of the big event, I rose from my bed attempting to brush aside the fact that I (and the bed) was thoroughly soaked in what appeared to curdled milk. I struggled to remember what I'd been doing the night before, but alas, the last thing I remember doing was drinking mass amounts of gin and attempting to paint a mural of a large-breasted woman onto the mirror in my bathroom. I'd become aroused and abandoned my paints and brushes, only to end up sliding out of my tight corduroys and beginning to masturbate and thirstily slog gin from the bottle simultaneously. After that, my memory fails me.

I leapt into the shower and scrubbed my foul-smelling body fiercely with a dish sponge. I needed to be cleansed of the previous night's mischievous activities (whatever they happened to be). After that, I brushed my teeth and greased my bald scalp with Vaseline, creating a luminous shine and a slick surface on which to place my wig. Unfortunately, my mustache and eyebrows hadn't even begun to sprout back yet. I planned to use the excuse that they were singed off by flames while rescuing a mother and her small leprosy-infected child from a house fire. I'd be seen as nothing less than a hero.

I dressed myself in my new tux, slid the wig onto my dazzling dome, and stood before the mirror to inspect my appearance. It was indeed difficult considering the mural I'd painted the previous night covered most of the mirror. I gazed upon the well-endowed maiden and felt my phallus begin to straighten. This was no time for leisure-activities, however. I walked to the living room and gazed into the mirror above the couch, which was free of crude drawings of busty temptresses. I looked a bit strange, to say the least. My face was smooth and bald and the spots where my mustache and eyebrows used to be was noticeably paler than the rest of my face. The wig that sat atop my head was black and curly. Much different than my regular straight, brown hair, however, someone who hadn't seen me in years would be none-the-wiser. My cheap Halloween costume-tux looked slightly wrinkled and shabby and I had been unable to remove the cape and tall collar from the back. I resembled some terrible disoriented vampire. In addition, the arms and legs were too short for my gangly appendages, as the costume was obviously made for a large child. I looked down at my visible milky white ankles and shuddered with distaste. No matter though, as I slid into some old black cowboy boots, thus hiding my unsightly ankles from view.
Then, I stuffed several saltine crackers into my mouth, suckled a few gulps of water from the tap, and excitedly dashed out the front door to my car. I had a reunion to get to.

As I arrived at the old gym, I realized that I was tremendously early. The reunion didn't start until four and it was apparently only nine forty-five in the morning. I was the only car in the parking lot. I walked to the large double doors and for ten minutes, I furiously screamed and banged at the doors, pleading for someone to let me inside... to no avail. My pleas were met with silence. A dog barked in the distance. I passed gas callously. A car horn sounded in the distance. I was clearly getting nowhere by standing outside the gym like a vagrant and I sure as hell wasn't going to wait here for six hours. It was time to find a bar.

O'Malley's Pub & Grill is a well known establishment located downtown on the corner of Ellison and Academy. It's apparently famous for its delicious club sandwiches and it's wide selection of beers from across the country. At least that's what they proclaim on the sign outside their front door...the conceited fools. I snorted and ripped down the sign. Then I burst through the doors much like an outlaw bursts into an old Western tavern, a look of confidence on my bald face. Unfortunately, my hastiness resulted in a breeze hitting me from inside the pub as I entered, knocking the wig off of my greased head. I quickly replaced the hairpiece and looked around anxiously to see if anyone had noticed. They had. Everyone seated at the bar and most people sitting near the door had witnessed my ridiculous shenanigans and were guffawing loudly, some of them even going so far as to point at me and my clothing. My hairless face turned beet-red and I slid into a seat at the end of the bar.

"One double Jack Daniels please",, I said softly to the bartender, not wanting to draw anymore attention to myself.

"Those are some damn fine cowboy boots you got there Dracula!" the bartender chuckled, drawing the laughter of everyone else at the bar once again. I was livid.

"Fetch me my drink order at once Barkeep!" I screamed, slamming my fists onto the bar. "I didn't come here to be made a mockery of! Now do your damned job!" I was satisfied that my harshness would surely frighten this weakling into shutting his mouth. I was, however, mistaken.

"Or what? You gonna suck my blood?" The bartender said and erupted into boisterous laughter, slapping his knee hysterically. The entire bar apparently found it just as amusing.
My face was red. My temples throbbing. I wanted to tear this man limb from limb. The rage inside my soul was so intense that I couldn't even find the words to speak...

"You... How dare you... I'll destroy you!!" I shrieked. This resulted in more hysterical laughter from everyone in the establishment.

Blind with rage, I violently heaved a salt shaker at the bartender. He ducked and it smashed into a stack of liquor bottles. Shards of glass flew everywhere. Then, I grabbed the tall beer glass sitting in front of the woman next to me and doused her face with liquid hops and barley. The beer mug then went flying in the laughing bartender's direction as well. Suddenly, I felt somebody grab me from behind. A large arm went around my neck and I felt the oxygen leaving my body. The last thing I remember before I was choked out unconscious, was sinking my teeth deep into the arm of the beast choking me from behind and drawing blood. After all, they DID call me a vampire.

When I woke up, my skin was burning fiercely. I could barely open my eyes, partially because they were both almost swollen shut and partially because the sun was so bright. I examined my surroundings and realized that I was in the desert. There was nothing for as far as I could see. Tire tracks traveled off into the distance. I realized that I was also completely naked and had acquired an extremely severe sunburn due to the fact that I'd been lying spread-eagle on my back in the one-hundred degree desert sun for God-knows how long. I glanced down and cringed. My penis looked like an over-cooked vienna sausage. My head felt like it had been doused in acid and I realized that I would no longer have to worry about tan lines where my eyebrows and mustache used to be. On the bright side, they'd left me my cowboy boots. I slid them on and started painfully limping, following the tire tracks into the distance.

Apparently, the 10 Year Reunion was a complete success. I haven't really talked to anyone that attended, but I saw an article online about it. Plus, anything's a success compared to what I did that day. I'm sure Gina was devastated that I wasn't in attendance, but hey, there's always the 20 Year.