Class Reunion (Part 1)

I've been told many times by many different people that I'm a very boisterous and aggressive individual. I'm sorry but I just don't see it. I see myself as a great and generous man...a man with virtue and spirit who dazzles and inspires everyone who crosses his path. I fathom that I leave people pondering, "How can such a great human being possibly still exist in this dark day and age?" and "How can I possibly change myself and my personal appearance so that I resemble this man inside and out?"

Unfortunately, people don't express these amazing compliments directly to me. I assume they wait until I've left the room to praise my looks and my ways. I assume they're always too embarrassed to do it in my presence, so instead, they concoct falsehoods, commenting on my "aggressiveness", my "rudeness", my "lack of respect", and my "alcoholism"(among others).
I also assume that people are far too nervous to call me or contact me in any way, so naturally I was shocked when my telephone started to ring one Wednesday morning.

I had been enjoying a nice lukewarm bath and sipping a piping hot toddy, made with double Scotch Whiskey of course. The warm water, in combination with the toddy, made my body tingle and I couldn't help but urinate several times into the toasty warmness that surrounded me. When the phone rang, I was savagely torn from my serene relaxation and brought back to a harsh, musty-smelling reality. With a roar, I exploded from the murky water like a massive hump-backed whale, drenching the entire bathroom in water. I burst from the bathroom and tromped angrily through my apartment to the kitchen, where the phone was ringing.

I lifted the phone to my ear and bellowed into the receiver.

"Do you take pleasure in disrupting my weekly baths?!?" I uttered in a harsh throaty growl that surely would've frightened even the bravest of warriors.

"Oh my..." the female voice on the other end of the line exclaimed (no doubt horrified beyond her wildest dreams), "I'm very sorry to disturb you...I'm looking for Ben. Is he available?"

"He is most definitely NOT available!" I shouted at the insecure woman and guzzled down the rest of my hot toddy. The hot liquor burnt my tongue fiercely and I retched several times, but managed to force it down anyway. Then I smiled and filled my glass with straight Scotch Whiskey. "Unless...you are seeking a sexual encounter of some type, in which case he IS available and you are speaking to him now."

"Um, no thanks." The insolent woman replied. She obviously didn't know what she would be missing. "Ben, hi, this is Gina from high school. Remember? Class of '99? Fighting Cougars?"

I thought back to my terrible high school years. I was what you might call an "awkward teenaged boy". Or as some of my classmates called me, "Rank-Ass". (I suffered an odd and confusing bowel affliction as a teen that caused me to emit offensive odors from my rump. Later, I realized that it wasn't so much an affliction as much as it was just me eating foods that were ridiculously high in lactose and fiber.) Yes, I remembered Gina.

"Ah, yes, Gina. Have you had the decency to shave that frightening black hair off your arms as of yet? And what of your breasts? Has the left one grown to match the enormous one on the right? That was indeed comical. To what do I owe the pleasure of this phone call?" I chuckled and slurped my whiskey loudly.

"Wow, apparently you are still a huge asshole!" Gina sounded offended. I couldn't place why. I thought she'd be delighted to reminisce back to the olden days with me. "Look, I'm only calling you because I wanted to remind you of our ten year class reunion next week. It's going to be at the old high school gym next Friday and it starts at 4:00pm. Dress formally and bring a guest if you want."

"Gina! How very sweet of you to take time out of your morning just to call and remind an old high schoolmate like this! May I assume that by this gesture, you wish to seduce me and have me in your life? I assure you, I will do my very best to attempt to overlook your horrendous hormone problem, however, we must have something done about your miniscule left bosom." I was flattered to say the very least and showed it by guzzling down the remainder of my whiskey like a thirsty desert mouse.

"No you perverted jackass!!" Gina shrieked, "I was REQUIRED to call everyone in our graduating class. I hope you burn in hell!" And with that, Gina hung up the phone.

I smiled perversely and put down the phone. This fiery young maiden apparently didn't have fond memories of high school either. Perhaps that would be an adequate conversation-starter later on after she'd consumed a few too many cocktails. I laughed heartily, poured myself another glass of whiskey, and slid my nude body back into the bathtub. I had a reunion to plan for.