Cinemaddiction (Part 2)

It was movie night. Actually it was the evening of the day that I'd gone to print out my fake movie tickets so ipso facto, it was movie night. Free movie night. I dressed heavily in some large ski pants, a sweater, a giant winter parka, and a hunting cap, the purpose of the excessive amount of clothing being to hide the food and drinks that I was planning on sneaking in with me. If those bastards thought they were going to get me by still making me pay eighteen bucks for a bag of lousy popcorn, they were certifiably insane. They're called refreshments, but there's nothing refreshing about overdrawing my bank account in order to purchase a box of junior mints. Point made.

I stuffed my heavy winter clothing with a large loaf of sourdough bread, a jar of dipping sauce (mustard), and half an onion. I would've brought more traditional movie food, but due to lack of funds, this was all I had in my cupboard. I also slid two glass jars full of homemade wine into my side pockets. I'd recently watched a special about a state penitentiary that explained in detail how prisoners make wine in their toilets using fruit, yeast, and sugar. It's an incredibly easy process and the end result is to die for! (if you don't mind drinking something that tastes like harsh fermented prunes and gets you so incredibly annihilated that you cant walk or form coherent sentences) It's delicious!

I ensured that I had my phony ticket and headed out the door. I had thirty minutes to get to the theater, into my seat, out of my pants, and into a nice drunk before the movie started rolling. To be honest, I was a bit nervous. This was, after all, illegal and I'd only broken the law several times before (not counting alcohol related incidents). I thought back to that horrible snowy night in January where I'd been found at the train station with my erect penis frozen to the banister of the stairs leading down into the subway. Apparently it's still considered "indecent exposure", even if only one old custodian and a mother with her two small children witness it. I digress.

My nervousness increased exponentially as I pulled up to the theater and got out of my car. I shuffled up to the window, trying to blend in with the crowd of other movie goers. Perhaps the ticket-jockey would mistake me for part of the family in front of me and let me walk through. I edged closer and closer to the happy family until I was standing practically in the midst of them. I heard the stern father order three adult tickets and four for the kids. The tickets were given and the family started moving into the theater. I moved in between them so they were surrounding me and slipped through the door, unnoticed by the man in the ticket booth. Unfortunately, I WAS noticed by the stern father, who called me an asshole and took a swing at my head. My hunting cap caught the blow and flew off. The onion that was hidden beneath the hat also fell and bounced away through the throng of people, catching some very bewildered looks as it went. Not wanting to attract any more attention, I walked with my head down towards the man at the little podium who rips tickets and admits people into the flick.

"Good evening, Sir. May I see your ticket please?" the older gentleman asked in a raspy voice.

"Of course!" I said triumphantly, pulling the ticket from my pocket. "I have my ticket right here! There's no need for you to closely inspect it, because I can assure you with every fiber of my being, I purchased it at the ticket counter up front."

"Yep. That's where most folks get their tickets too." The man said with a chuckle. "Say, you're sure wearing a lot of clothing, considering its ninety-five degrees outside."

"Yes. Well, I grew up in Antarctica and I still haven't properly acclimated myself to this harsh environment." I replied angrily. "Enough small talk! If you force me to miss the previews, I will surely return and force you into inevitable submission!"

"Okay, okay! Geeze buddy, I was just trying to be friendly, take it easy!" The old geezer pleaded like some worthless slave, begging for his life. "Here ya go, enjoy your movie."

I watched with glee as the old man barely glanced at the ticket, ripped it in half, and gave me back the remainder. I snatched it from his withered hand and, with a snarl, I stepped over the red velvet rope and into the dark corridor. Movie time.