Cinemaddiction (Part 4)

Twenty minutes into the film, I realized that what I was witnessing on the screen was not in the least bit what I expected "Marley and Me" to be about. There were no hilarious dog tricks. There was no graphic nudity. Nobody had even gotten killed yet. I was starting to think that "Marley and Me" was not worth the effort I'd expended forging the ticket. Suddenly, as these malicious thoughts were coursing through my mind, I felt something strike me on the back of the shoulder. I cried out in anger and spun in my seat. Every set of eyes locked onto me. I scanned the theater for the perpetrator but all I saw were startled and angry faces. I turned back to the screen and gulped my wine. I was already feeling the effects of the alcohol heavily. Seconds later, I was struck again on the back of the neck by what appeared to be popcorn. Rage filled my soul and I turned and shouted into the darkness, my voice high-pitched and furious.
"I will destroy you!!" I screamed, the veins protruding from my neck. "How dare you interrupt my movie watching experience by showering me with your filthy snacks!!"

My cries of rage were met with a barrage of shushes and several profane slurs and gestures. The blood in my veins was hot enough to boil a goose egg. Like some crazed mythical warrior, I let loose with a incoherent string of screamed profanities. Then, I turned back towards the front and started slogging wine from my jar, satisfied that I had frightened the culprit into submission.

"Maybe if you took off that huge stupid-ass fucking hat, the people behind you could see the screen." A voice behind me muttered. I realized that I was still wearing my large hunting hat and that, with it on, I was easily taller than the huge freak in the back. It sat atop my head, over a foot tall.

I sprung from my seat and pointed fiercely into the audience behind me.
"This hat was given to me by my father, who just happens to be a war hero!!" I lied, "Now which one of you fools has the audacity to hurl your delicious refreshments in my direction?!?!"

At that moment, I found myself face to face with a scrawny dark haired young movie usher who looked like he was no older than twenty. With my foot, I pushed my jar of wine under the seat so it was hidden from view. The lad shined his flashlight into my eyes and spoke in a weakly pathetic voice. If he knew how stupid he sounded, he would no doubt shut his terrible mouth and quit his job immediately.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to sit back down and be quiet or you'll be asked to leave..." He aimed the flashlight downward and a puzzled look spread across his face. "And why are you not wearing your pants??"

I followed his flashlight beam down to my pasty legs and my snug mustard-stained briefs. I noted that in addition to not wearing my pants, I was fully erect. I'd removed the pants earlier in the movie, moments after the beautiful temptress had relocated her seat.

"This theater is stifling hot so I took them off. I needed to let my legs breathe." I replied. This stupid boy clearly had no common sense.

"Sir, if you're so hot, why are you wearing that enormous parka and that winter hat?" I was fed up with this usher and his nosy prying questions.

"Why do you carry that gigantic novelty flashlight?? Why does your face look like a dry piece of salami?? Why do you have the voice of a prepubescent girl?? And why do you insist on viciously antagonizing an innocent cinema-goer who is attempting to enjoy the film that he bought tickets for??" I realized that my voice was boisterously loud and I was practically drowning out the movie. I also realized that my jar of mustard was leaking and tasty mustard was seeping down my stomach. I brushed aside the realization and continued to shout at the cowardly wretch.
"I purchased these movie tickets with my own hard-earned money and I'd very much like to sit and enjoy the film! So unless you're going to do the right thing and ravage and destroy the insolent juveniles sitting behind me, I suggest you cower back to your post at the snack bar!!"

"Sir, just please sit down or you will have to go." The boy looked devastated. I made the decision that I'd smashed his hopes and dreams enough for one day and I sat back down smugly. I was feeling quite drunk.

The usher disappeared back up the isle and I returned my focus to the movie, sipping my jar of wine like a famished desert-dwelling hog.

Forty-five minutes into the movie, I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I even asked the people around me to explain the plot and the characters, but they shunned me rudely. There had been no killings or stunts or guns at all! There hadn't even been any thrilling fights yet! It was nothing but fluffy blather and failed attempts at humor. I was really starting to loathe that dog. Plus, I was very drunk. I'd already emptied my first jar of wine and was putting quite a dent in the second. I opened my shirt and dipped pieces of sourdough bread into the enormous amount of mustard that had pooled in and around my belly button. I'd long since put the leaking jar on the floor and then accidentally kicked it over, only to hear it rolling under the seats towards the front of the theater. I'd also removed my briefs and stuffed them into my coat pocket due to the fact that my genitals were feeling quite confined and stuffy.

The more I watched the horrible movie, the more attracted I became to the gorgeous female co-star. She was stunning in every way and she excited all five of my senses. I thought of the things I would surely do to her and felt a beautiful warmth traveling through my loins. Suddenly, "Marley and Me" wasn't half as bad. I dabbed a large amount of mustard from my belly button and generously slathered my penis. Then I went to work, furiously massaging and pumping my fists up and down the shaft while vigorously thrusting my hips forward like a sex-starved fornicating ape. Apparently, I created quite a ruckus and before I knew it, I was being torn from my seat by security guards and manhandled out the door. I was harshly told that I was banned from that movie theater and all the ones in the surrounding area and that if I showed my face at any of the theaters, I'd be arrested on the spot. Sadly, I put my briefs back on and staggered to my car. Unfortunately, my car keys were in my pants, which were still draped over the seat back in the theater. I begged to go get them, but the man picked up the phone and started calling the police so I fled the scene, leaving a trail of mustard behind me.

After several days, I finally threw all of my phony tickets away. No use for them anymore. I had tried standing outside of the theater in a wig and scalping them to unsuspecting movie-goers, but they just laughed at me and insulted the craftsmanship of the tickets. Then, the staff of the movie theater recognized me and called the police and once again, I had to flee.
On the up-side, however, I give "Marley and Me" a very spirited thumbs up.
Oh wait... that's not my thumb.