Chung Foo!

I've always wondered what it would be like to be a father. On my mid-day walks through the park, I see them there with their small sons and daughters in tow, frolicking in the grass, playing Frisbee, and chasing each other through the trees. I see them in malls, scolding their little ones for screaming, rough-housing, or shoplifting from various stores. I closely watch them in the quiet of their own homes from the telescope in my living room, fathers cooking the little chitlins dinner, playing board games, and spanking their bare rumps for being ornery. I want what these men have. I want a little one who respectfully calls me father. (Or maybe a tiny, well behaved Hispanic boy to call me padre) A tiny organism that respects and fears me because they know in their hearts that I can make their lives miserable on a whim.

Of course, this is no venture to set out upon, without first knowing what I'm getting myself into. In other words, you don't buy the car without first test driving it. And by car, of course I mean child. I like to research something before I decide to buy it. So, before I decided to buy one of these small humans, I needed to make sure its performance was to my liking. I set out on a caper to find a child to test my fathering skills upon.

I found a nice spot on a bench in the park down the street from where I live. It was a great location...plenty of playground equipment, a huge sandbox, a teeter-totter, and a vast grassy area to run and play. I settled down with my newspaper, my hot cup o' java, and my binoculars to wait. Before long I noticed a mother with a stroller walking her dog down the sidewalk. The dog was becoming unruly and the mother was paying less and less attention to the stroller. When she lost the end of the leash and chased the rowdy dog into the grass, I seized my opportunity. I dashed down the sidewalk , hoisted the stroller up under my arm, and started to run towards the trees. Suddenly, the infant in the stroller began to scream and thrash around violently. The sound almost shattered my eardrums and I stumbled, crumpled to my knees, dropped the stroller, and rolled into the bushes. Clearly, this was not the right child for me. I lay, hidden in the bushes for over an hour, waiting for the crying mother and the police officer she had notified, to both go away. When it was finally silent, I crept from the bush and resumed my position on the park bench, calmly sipping my java as if nothing had happened.

I was becoming quite engrossed in an article I was reading in the daily paper when I felt something tap my foot. I lowered my paper and gazed down to my feet to see what horrible being had broken my concentration. It appeared to be a rubber ball. I picked up the rubber ball, confused. Why had this ball hit my foot? What was the meaning of this? Who was I to confront and verbally thrash about this incident? Then I saw him. I heard a voice to my immediate left and I looked up to see a small Chinese boy running towards me laughing.
"Hey mister!! Can I have my ball back?" The little tyke said cheerily.
I tossed him the ball and considered going back to my paper, but stopped myself short. Perhaps this was a sign. Perhaps this was the boy that was meant to be my (experimental) son. A warm smile spread across my face.
"Hey there champ!" I called back to the boy. "What's your name?" He turned and looked at me inquisitively.
"My name is Bobby!" the small Asian boy shouted.
"Nice to me you Chung" I said and dug into my left breast pocket.
"My name is Bobby! Not Chung!" the boy spouted. His English accent was worse than my haircut. Obviously he had just been shipped to this country recently and hadn't learned the ways of America.
"That's great Chung. Listen, how would you like some tasty candy?" I said to the boy as I pulled several handfuls of delicious treats from my pocket.
"I want some candy!" the lad answered. I'm sure the word "candy" is the same in every language. The greedy lout.
"Well then here ya go Chung!" I extended my hand, full of a variety of tasty sweets. Chung grabbed at the candy hungrily and proceeded to wolf it down right before my eyes.
"Gee, thanks mister!!" the rapscallion said gratefully, chocolate covering his face.
"Say, Chung, would you like some more delicious candy?" I asked the boy.
"Yes!! And why are you calling me Chung? My name is Bobby!" said the sniveling young lad.
"Shut up Chung! Uh...I mean...follow me if you want some more yummy delights!" I corrected myself. I was going to be a strict father... a good father.

===================

I unlocked the door to my apartment and held it open for Chung. He entered apprehensively. It seemed the little tyke was nervous about something. I wasn't sure why. I had been nothing but good to the boy. As soon as he and I had cleared the door and were safely inside my apartment, I slammed the door and locked the deadbolt. In hindsight, perhaps I slammed the door a little harder than necessary because I seemed to have startled little Chung and he jumped and began to look very frightened. I wanted to assure the boy that everything was okay.
"Calm yourself Chung. Everything is alright. I bet you're wondering where all the candy is that I promised you." I said to the frightened boy. "Well, the fact of the matter is, I don't have anymore candy. I told a teensy weensy little white lie. You ate the last of it back there at the park. I do, however, have some cheese and a loaf of sourdough bread. Would you like a cheese sandwich?"
The boy's lower lip started to quiver, but he didn't say anything.
"Now look here boy." I said to the lad. "I am your father now and you will respect me as such. You need to toughen up. And by all means, you must answer your father when he asks you a question! Now let's try that again. Would you like a cheese sandwich Chung?"
"I want to my mommy. I want to leave." The cowardly boy whimpered at me.
"That is NOT what I asked you!" I bellowed. "I am your mommy now!" I was becoming drunk with power and it felt fantastic. Was this what all dads felt like? "I am also your daddy! Now answer my question!!"
"No!!" the child shrieked. "I don't want a sandwich!!"
"Well too bad Chung! Because I already made you one earlier today and put it in the refrigerator!" I had awaken early that morning, filled with excitement, and generously prepared a cheese and sour dough sandwich just for this occasion and I'd be damned if I were going to let this child be ungrateful. I bolted for the refrigerator and snatched the cheese sandwich, wrapped in foil, from the middle shelf. I also grabbed the carton of milk and a glass from the cupboard. Chung started to cry.
"Chung! Why are you crying son? Daddy's made you a fine lunch. Now plop on down at the table and enjoy your meal!"
Chung continued to cry, harder now.
"Hey now, stop that!" I shouted. "You'd better stop that crying or else I'm going to send you to your room with no food at all!"
The boy was practically screaming now. He had his face in his hands and tears were dripping from between his fingers.
"Alright you've forced me to do it!!" I yelled. "You will go without your lunch!! Now, GO TO YOUR ROOM!!" I grabbed a plate and smashed it against the wall, just for effect. The boy was terrified. He sprung up and dashed towards the hallway but his vision was clouded by tears and he smashed into a wall, knocking a hole in the plaster, and then falling back onto the couch. At that moment, I felt bad for little Chung. He had banged his head pretty hard on the wall. I decided I would get him something for his bruise before I made him fix the hole in the wall. I got a rag and soaked it in ice water. Then I spread it over the boys head. Chung seemed to enjoy it because his crying let up a little.
"That hurt me more than it hurt you son." I told the boy, trying to be as soothing as possible. "Now get cleaned up. I have a few boards, a hammer, and nails in the closet. You can repair the damage you've caused and go to bed. I really hope you've learned your lesson."
The boy started crying again as he walked to the closet and pulled out the tools. I walked to the pantry and pulled down a tall bottle of Jack Daniels. Then I walked to the couch to watch the boy work and have a drink. As I took long swigs from the open bottle of whiskey and watched the boy, I realized that I could definitely get used to this. There I sat, drinking and yelling vicious and derogatory things at the work Chung was doing for at least half an hour. I guess I passed out because the next thing I knew, I was waking up to somebody tapping me on the forehead. It was Chung.
"Hey mister." The boy said to me.
"Hey there son." I replied. "If you're done with the wall, go get your pajamas on and......"
Suddenly the boy raised the hammer over his head and brought it down as hard as he could. My world went dark.

I woke up with a throbbing headache. I could feel blood trickling down the side of my head and I couldn't think clearly. Chung was gone, along with my wallet, my car keys, my telescope, and my valuable coin collection. He also took the cheese sandwich. Go figure.

I don't think I want to be a father anymore. It's too much responsibility and let's face it, kids are a pain in the ass. Especially little boys. Little Asian boys. Named Chung. I think I'll probably just end up getting an iguana.