Choose to Love

Even before my husband and I had any kids, I had some days when I wondered if we would stay married. Of course I wanted to stay married, but I didn’t know how to resolve the problems that arose between us. We both came from divorced families, and didn’t have good role models to pattern our marriage after. None of our parents, (or step-parents) could help us in resolving difficulties, and we hadn’t learned the basic skills of listening and working things out. It’s really a miracle that we have made it this far!

Three years into our marriage we found out we would be having our first child. We were thrilled and scared. Fortunately for us, we realized that we had decided to share our lives together because of our Feelings for each other, but those feelings were not powerful enough to keep our marriage strong. We needed more than that.

It took some pondering, but we came to understand that our Actions would determine whether our little family would either grow - or be destroyed. We realized that what we decided to DO determined how we would Feel - not the other way around.

This is a simple, but powerful concept. It is also something that I have to be reminded of over and over.

Most people incorrectly think that we need to Feel like we are in love, before we express love to our spouse. That isn’t a problem when we are in the beginning of a relationship - we call it falling in love because we don’t recall that it took any effort or planning. The next stages of love, however, DO require something from us. That requirement is to make a choice. To "Choose to Love" our spouse.

We make choices about what to do all the time. I choose to either fit into my favorite jeans or eat junk food. I’m not careful about what I eat and exercise 6 days a week because I feel fit…I feel fit because I am careful about what I eat and I exercise 6 days a week! And the same is true when it comes to your relationship with your husband. The things you Choose and the Actions you take will create the Feelings you want.

That first day of exercise can be brutal. It can leave you sore and tired. If you aren’t used to treating your spouse well, you can have the same result! You may end up tired and crabby, but stick with it, because you aren’t going to fit into those jeans – or make a romantic marriage in just one day.

When you Choose to love your spouse, you will begin to notice what he needs and wants. This has an amazing effect on you. Memories of your earlier infatuation come back and your behavior toward him becomes more flirtatious and more intimate. Your new attitude has an effect on him as well; he feels understood, accepted, and more connected to you.

Then here comes the most wonderful part; each time you put more effort into your marriage and intimate relationship, you will Feel like putting more effort into your marriage and intimate relationship. I have learned that it becomes a perpetual cycle that is positive.

I made a commitment twenty-five years ago to my husband. All these years and four children later, I am still choosing to honor that commitment. As I said before, I need to be reminded of this simple and powerful concept regularly, so even as I write these things, it deepens my understanding of what kind of wife I am and what kind of wife I really want to be. Since I want to Feel adored, cherished, and treasured - I will beat him to the punch and Choose to treat him that way first.