Changing For The Better, Or Not?
Ever tried to change yourself for the better? But things just kept blowing up in your face? Ever let your guard down for once, and got hurt because of it? Here's a rant I created because I am almost at my breaking point.
Ever try to change yourself, and your ways for the better?
But when you let your guard down, and let people in...it back fires and blows up right in your face?
Well this is what I've been trying to do with every inch of my soul.
I'm a really angry person, I have a lot of pent up anger I try not to express,
but it eventually builds up and I blow up.
I don't know how to deal with my extreme anger, so I just bottle it up.
I've intentionally lost people because of it.
I decide I don't want anyone, I don't want to be bothered, I want to be alone and relax.
So I try being nice to people for once you know, mending the things I've broken.
But in the first two weeks of trying this new lifestyle, I was completely floored.
I opened myself up to something that eventually hurt me more than being angry ever could.
I realize that you waste your life hating, and being angry, but it's my protective wall.
It's me.
I do that naturally, I feel most safe, and sure of myself when I'm in my natural state.
When you let no one in, and let no one get close, you don't get hurt.
Am I right?
I like being left alone, I like my quiet.
Is that so wrong?
Anyways, I tried being a good person.
I tried desperately to accept people for who they were.
But it really just doesn't work for me at all.
I feel worse about myself for even trying.
I put myself out there like I used too, and I get repeated blows to every nerve from people.
My mind keeps telling me, after every nerve they break, to break a neck.
I see from a different view now.
I tried it, and I'm going to keep on trying for the better.
It is for the better isn't it?
It's better than sitting here rotting from the inside out...isn't it?
I'm trying to be a better person, why can't anyone see that?
People dish more out to me now because I let my protective guard down.
They sense the fragility of my heart.
This could be a mistake, but I'm not positive yet.
Maybe I'll let myself get hurt a few more times before I give up.
What's a few more stabs at my ego?
But when you let your guard down, and let people in...it back fires and blows up right in your face?
Well this is what I've been trying to do with every inch of my soul.
I'm a really angry person, I have a lot of pent up anger I try not to express,
but it eventually builds up and I blow up.
I don't know how to deal with my extreme anger, so I just bottle it up.
I've intentionally lost people because of it.
I decide I don't want anyone, I don't want to be bothered, I want to be alone and relax.
So I try being nice to people for once you know, mending the things I've broken.
But in the first two weeks of trying this new lifestyle, I was completely floored.
I opened myself up to something that eventually hurt me more than being angry ever could.
I realize that you waste your life hating, and being angry, but it's my protective wall.
It's me.
I do that naturally, I feel most safe, and sure of myself when I'm in my natural state.
When you let no one in, and let no one get close, you don't get hurt.
Am I right?
I like being left alone, I like my quiet.
Is that so wrong?
Anyways, I tried being a good person.
I tried desperately to accept people for who they were.
But it really just doesn't work for me at all.
I feel worse about myself for even trying.
I put myself out there like I used too, and I get repeated blows to every nerve from people.
My mind keeps telling me, after every nerve they break, to break a neck.
I see from a different view now.
I tried it, and I'm going to keep on trying for the better.
It is for the better isn't it?
It's better than sitting here rotting from the inside out...isn't it?
I'm trying to be a better person, why can't anyone see that?
People dish more out to me now because I let my protective guard down.
They sense the fragility of my heart.
This could be a mistake, but I'm not positive yet.
Maybe I'll let myself get hurt a few more times before I give up.
What's a few more stabs at my ego?
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