Can't Buy Me Love - 21
Marina finally sees the truth.
Hi all! I've posted these two chapters close together. It does leave a cliffhanger, but I will promise to update in my return asap!!
Thanks all so much for reading. I'm not responding to comments as this is out so quickly. Will do all in the finale...the next chapter!!
=======================================================================================================================
Marina left Australia soon after her revelation of thought. Her mind was clearer now, she realized that both her and Nathan were equally to blame for the early demise of their relationship, they both carried baggage and legacies cast there by others and there was no easy way to meet in the middle. So she looked to the future. She found a small bedsit in a borough of London in walking distance of her new college. It was a million miles from her previous home in the City or the mansion in California, but it was hers, and wasn't biting too deeply into her reservoirs of money.
She'd put off revisiting Alex and Heidi, partly because she wasn't ready to analyze all that had happened over the last two months. She was scared, avoiding and pretending things didn't exist. She knew that. But nevertheless she prepared for college determinedly.
Marina LOVED her first day. One of her lead lecturers was a famous TV overseas correspondent, a legend in both word and film. His welcome lecture was inspiring and exciting. She was aware that to crack a position into the world of hardcore journalism was rare compared to the number of people who studied the profession, but she was nothing if not dedicated. As she left the lecture a beam on her face, Michael the tutor, smiled at her, and she nodded in appreciation.
That afternoon a few of the people she sat near in the lecture were sat outside the student union, when one of the girls made eye contact, she smiled, and then crossed the forecourt when she gestured to the seat opposite.
And so her student life began. She thrived on the challenges and assignments, her much neglected brain stimulated in a way she'd craved for years. She'd always been literary, gathering classic books to chick lit, complex thrillers to cheesy romance. This course only encouraged her to broaden her horizons. October in London was warm, she spent hours in the various parks around the City relaxed on blankets reading such classics she'd not discovered before by Edgar Allan Poe, Arthur Conan Doyle, Dostoyevsky, even Mark Twain.
Michael the guest lecture seemed to inspire her further, and she was so enthralled with life that she was able to get on, to forget...well to block things. But one day in November she had a visitor, Heidi.
Opening her front door in response to the insistent knocking she was stunned, there stood her sister-in-law.
"Heidi!" she exclaimed pulling her into a hug, "How are you? What a wonderful surprise!"
Heidi held her at arm's length and scowled, "you left my house almost six months ago, promising to return....and you've avoided us! I know what you're doing, and I know why you're doing it. But I'm here to sort you out young lady."
Marina suddenly felt awful, she knew she was flushed with embarrassment, she'd hardly treated the people who loved her fairly, but she'd sacrificed their feelings to ease her own, and that wasn't fair.
"I don't know what you mean!"She offered, leading her sister-in-law into her home, and was stunned as Heidi continued.
"You left our home and three days later a very forlorn Nathan arrived. He left us this package," she waved a large padded envelope at Marina. "Told us he let you down and he had to leave, though his body language said anything but. And you've said NOTHING! I waited, just to see if you'd mention it...but nothing! If he'd broken your heart you'd have told me consoled. So I get the feeling that there's far more to this than meets the eye. And then there's the fact that you were going to visit....we didn't see you for almost two years, and the last six months we've had half a dozen emails and the odd phone call. What's going on Marina? I'm worried sick. I daren't tell your brother...he'd hit the roof."
At any other time Marina would've chuckled at the very British phrases and comments that betrayed her German upbringing.
"I'm sorry that I worried you, I didn't think..." as Heidi opened her mouth to launch into another tirade Marina held a hand to silence her. "And as soon as I saw you I knew that I hadn't been fair to you. I'm sorry Heidi, I really am. I don't know. I've had such a bizarre few years...." She sighed, "In Paris it was perfect. Then he had to leave...some excuse about work. I know I over reacted, but he just left. I knew if I spoke to you I'd have to deal with it, as it was I managed to make my way around Oz ignoring the fact that he'd dug my heart out with a spoon." As she looked at the older woman she had tears in her eyes. "I couldn't land this on Sara...she had enough to do, and other than you guys there was no one else, so it was easier to ignore, pretend it hadn't happened."
"You can't hide from it Marina! Love follows you around and shapes your every move."
Marina nodded, "I know. I made that realization a few months ago. I love him, but there's nothing I can do about that."
Heidi nodded to the coffee table between them and the package it held, "are you going to open it, see what was so important?"
Marina shrugged, suddenly this was terrifying. She wanted to open the package and see signs of his undying love, his apology, but the truth could be so much harsher than that...she wasn't sure she had the guts to find out. But Heidi's pleading eyes spurred her on.
Tipping the contents on to the wooden table in front of her she was stunned, there was a wad of newspaper cuttings, internet print outs, and a letter. She glanced at the articles, all reported the same thing. Former Marine Adam Parkin had shot an unarmed man in a flurry of overzealous gunfire in the search for the man who shot his partner. He was disciplined in an internal investigation, found to be emotionally over involved, and at fault.
Every single article quoted FBI Agent Ben Avis as the chief witness, and he was almost vehement in his condemnation of his colleague. He was the only other person present and he'd not supported his Nathan in any way. Marina was furious, she knew Nathan, no one could ever call him over emotional, he was always in control of his emotions, his feelings...her mind drifted off to him following her to the ladies bathroom in a restaurant in Paris, AND the fall out that occurred there. OK, so he did lose control occasionally, but this story was fabricated. She instantly knew that, and it was no wonder that he hated Ben Avis as a result.
Mouth wide open eyes agog, she looked up to Heidi's face.
Heidi's bemusement was blatant, "good news?"
Marina shrugged, unknowing, before tearing open the sealed letter. It was dated the day after he'd left her and hand written.
"Marina. Wow, how to word this. You are right, you are better off without the complication that is me interfering in to your life. I'm not a great person, and you're right too that I've never committed to anyone or anything since I was a child, other than my partner. After getting injured in Iraq, I thought that things were ending in my life. Then I met Cal, he was ex military too, he talked me into becoming Government Intelligence. He was a partner, but also a father figure, best mate. Everything.
"He got shot when we were undercover, left for dead. It nearly broke me. He did recover, and now he lives in Vegas...But anyway, it changed me. I became harder. Then there was an incident. You'll see from the articles about that. I'm not here to beg you to believe me; I just want you to know that when the bastard who almost assassinated my mate has reappeared on the FBI radar I had to go. I had to get him. I don't know how long it'll take, or where it'll take me. But I hope that this is the end. I want a life Marina, and it took you to make me realize everything that I've been told. I've bottled up my unhappy life and tucked it away. I love Nathan Hughes more than I love Adam Parkin....how sad is that?
"I hope you have a long and successful life, you deserve to be an overseas correspondent bringing news from some war torn state...and happy. The only thing I warn is that Ben is not what he seems. He's power crazy and vindictive...he used me to his advantage and now he wants you. That I'm sure of. Don't trust him and you'll be fine. "I do love you Marina, I'm just sorry that it wasn't enough to make this work."
It wasn't surprising that he hadn't signed it; the poor bastard didn't know who he was anymore. And she'd done little to help that, she'd refused to acknowledge Adam, the reality behind the persona of Nathan that she'd met, fallen in love with. She looked up at Heidi from behind a wall of tears and shook her head, "what have I done?"
Heidi rushed over, "what?"
"I couldn't trust him, could I? I knew he couldn't tell me everything, he's FB bloody I after all, I just pushed him away at the first sign..." she waved the letter at her sister-in-law, "and he's broken! In this letter he really is....Oh God Heidi, what the hell have I done?"
There was no answer; Heidi merely sat beside her holding her close. This was exactly what Marina had dreaded, once she was made to front up to what happened, with everything out in the open that she'd realize that she was the reason, the fault landed with her. And all that hurt and uncertainty was due to her!
Stroking Marina's hair Heidi sighed, "If the question is why didn't you trust him? Then I think that's a very obvious answer. No one has even treated you in a way that has earned your trust. Why do you think he's walking away? It's not because you didn't trust him, it's because he can't be what he thinks you deserve! You have to decide what that is Marina, and whether he can be that person?"
"He told me he loved me!" she sighed, "And I just shouted at him, didn't acknowledge him, or what he'd said." She paused as another lightning bolt of realization hit her square between the eyes, "I didn't want him to love me," she looked at Heidi, "I'm always happier hating everyone, aren't I?"
"Well you'd spend weekends with Alex and I and you were a wonderful guest, then within days of going home you and your father would spark off and it'd be World War 3! I did wonder whether you might actually be pushing him away purposely....hatred is an emotion, maybe that as a response from your father was better than nothing?"
Marina nodded, "I kind of came to that conclusion somewhere between Sydney and Melbourne. I taunted my father, just to make him shout. I hated the disinterest more!"
"And Nathan?"
She sighed, "I think that both myself and Nathan need to start loving Adam?"
============================================================================================================================
Hope this answers some of your questions??
Will post in a week! Promise!!
MZ
Thanks all so much for reading. I'm not responding to comments as this is out so quickly. Will do all in the finale...the next chapter!!
=======================================================================================================================
Marina left Australia soon after her revelation of thought. Her mind was clearer now, she realized that both her and Nathan were equally to blame for the early demise of their relationship, they both carried baggage and legacies cast there by others and there was no easy way to meet in the middle. So she looked to the future. She found a small bedsit in a borough of London in walking distance of her new college. It was a million miles from her previous home in the City or the mansion in California, but it was hers, and wasn't biting too deeply into her reservoirs of money.
She'd put off revisiting Alex and Heidi, partly because she wasn't ready to analyze all that had happened over the last two months. She was scared, avoiding and pretending things didn't exist. She knew that. But nevertheless she prepared for college determinedly.
Marina LOVED her first day. One of her lead lecturers was a famous TV overseas correspondent, a legend in both word and film. His welcome lecture was inspiring and exciting. She was aware that to crack a position into the world of hardcore journalism was rare compared to the number of people who studied the profession, but she was nothing if not dedicated. As she left the lecture a beam on her face, Michael the tutor, smiled at her, and she nodded in appreciation.
That afternoon a few of the people she sat near in the lecture were sat outside the student union, when one of the girls made eye contact, she smiled, and then crossed the forecourt when she gestured to the seat opposite.
And so her student life began. She thrived on the challenges and assignments, her much neglected brain stimulated in a way she'd craved for years. She'd always been literary, gathering classic books to chick lit, complex thrillers to cheesy romance. This course only encouraged her to broaden her horizons. October in London was warm, she spent hours in the various parks around the City relaxed on blankets reading such classics she'd not discovered before by Edgar Allan Poe, Arthur Conan Doyle, Dostoyevsky, even Mark Twain.
Michael the guest lecture seemed to inspire her further, and she was so enthralled with life that she was able to get on, to forget...well to block things. But one day in November she had a visitor, Heidi.
Opening her front door in response to the insistent knocking she was stunned, there stood her sister-in-law.
"Heidi!" she exclaimed pulling her into a hug, "How are you? What a wonderful surprise!"
Heidi held her at arm's length and scowled, "you left my house almost six months ago, promising to return....and you've avoided us! I know what you're doing, and I know why you're doing it. But I'm here to sort you out young lady."
Marina suddenly felt awful, she knew she was flushed with embarrassment, she'd hardly treated the people who loved her fairly, but she'd sacrificed their feelings to ease her own, and that wasn't fair.
"I don't know what you mean!"She offered, leading her sister-in-law into her home, and was stunned as Heidi continued.
"You left our home and three days later a very forlorn Nathan arrived. He left us this package," she waved a large padded envelope at Marina. "Told us he let you down and he had to leave, though his body language said anything but. And you've said NOTHING! I waited, just to see if you'd mention it...but nothing! If he'd broken your heart you'd have told me consoled. So I get the feeling that there's far more to this than meets the eye. And then there's the fact that you were going to visit....we didn't see you for almost two years, and the last six months we've had half a dozen emails and the odd phone call. What's going on Marina? I'm worried sick. I daren't tell your brother...he'd hit the roof."
At any other time Marina would've chuckled at the very British phrases and comments that betrayed her German upbringing.
"I'm sorry that I worried you, I didn't think..." as Heidi opened her mouth to launch into another tirade Marina held a hand to silence her. "And as soon as I saw you I knew that I hadn't been fair to you. I'm sorry Heidi, I really am. I don't know. I've had such a bizarre few years...." She sighed, "In Paris it was perfect. Then he had to leave...some excuse about work. I know I over reacted, but he just left. I knew if I spoke to you I'd have to deal with it, as it was I managed to make my way around Oz ignoring the fact that he'd dug my heart out with a spoon." As she looked at the older woman she had tears in her eyes. "I couldn't land this on Sara...she had enough to do, and other than you guys there was no one else, so it was easier to ignore, pretend it hadn't happened."
"You can't hide from it Marina! Love follows you around and shapes your every move."
Marina nodded, "I know. I made that realization a few months ago. I love him, but there's nothing I can do about that."
Heidi nodded to the coffee table between them and the package it held, "are you going to open it, see what was so important?"
Marina shrugged, suddenly this was terrifying. She wanted to open the package and see signs of his undying love, his apology, but the truth could be so much harsher than that...she wasn't sure she had the guts to find out. But Heidi's pleading eyes spurred her on.
Tipping the contents on to the wooden table in front of her she was stunned, there was a wad of newspaper cuttings, internet print outs, and a letter. She glanced at the articles, all reported the same thing. Former Marine Adam Parkin had shot an unarmed man in a flurry of overzealous gunfire in the search for the man who shot his partner. He was disciplined in an internal investigation, found to be emotionally over involved, and at fault.
Every single article quoted FBI Agent Ben Avis as the chief witness, and he was almost vehement in his condemnation of his colleague. He was the only other person present and he'd not supported his Nathan in any way. Marina was furious, she knew Nathan, no one could ever call him over emotional, he was always in control of his emotions, his feelings...her mind drifted off to him following her to the ladies bathroom in a restaurant in Paris, AND the fall out that occurred there. OK, so he did lose control occasionally, but this story was fabricated. She instantly knew that, and it was no wonder that he hated Ben Avis as a result.
Mouth wide open eyes agog, she looked up to Heidi's face.
Heidi's bemusement was blatant, "good news?"
Marina shrugged, unknowing, before tearing open the sealed letter. It was dated the day after he'd left her and hand written.
"Marina. Wow, how to word this. You are right, you are better off without the complication that is me interfering in to your life. I'm not a great person, and you're right too that I've never committed to anyone or anything since I was a child, other than my partner. After getting injured in Iraq, I thought that things were ending in my life. Then I met Cal, he was ex military too, he talked me into becoming Government Intelligence. He was a partner, but also a father figure, best mate. Everything.
"He got shot when we were undercover, left for dead. It nearly broke me. He did recover, and now he lives in Vegas...But anyway, it changed me. I became harder. Then there was an incident. You'll see from the articles about that. I'm not here to beg you to believe me; I just want you to know that when the bastard who almost assassinated my mate has reappeared on the FBI radar I had to go. I had to get him. I don't know how long it'll take, or where it'll take me. But I hope that this is the end. I want a life Marina, and it took you to make me realize everything that I've been told. I've bottled up my unhappy life and tucked it away. I love Nathan Hughes more than I love Adam Parkin....how sad is that?
"I hope you have a long and successful life, you deserve to be an overseas correspondent bringing news from some war torn state...and happy. The only thing I warn is that Ben is not what he seems. He's power crazy and vindictive...he used me to his advantage and now he wants you. That I'm sure of. Don't trust him and you'll be fine. "I do love you Marina, I'm just sorry that it wasn't enough to make this work."
It wasn't surprising that he hadn't signed it; the poor bastard didn't know who he was anymore. And she'd done little to help that, she'd refused to acknowledge Adam, the reality behind the persona of Nathan that she'd met, fallen in love with. She looked up at Heidi from behind a wall of tears and shook her head, "what have I done?"
Heidi rushed over, "what?"
"I couldn't trust him, could I? I knew he couldn't tell me everything, he's FB bloody I after all, I just pushed him away at the first sign..." she waved the letter at her sister-in-law, "and he's broken! In this letter he really is....Oh God Heidi, what the hell have I done?"
There was no answer; Heidi merely sat beside her holding her close. This was exactly what Marina had dreaded, once she was made to front up to what happened, with everything out in the open that she'd realize that she was the reason, the fault landed with her. And all that hurt and uncertainty was due to her!
Stroking Marina's hair Heidi sighed, "If the question is why didn't you trust him? Then I think that's a very obvious answer. No one has even treated you in a way that has earned your trust. Why do you think he's walking away? It's not because you didn't trust him, it's because he can't be what he thinks you deserve! You have to decide what that is Marina, and whether he can be that person?"
"He told me he loved me!" she sighed, "And I just shouted at him, didn't acknowledge him, or what he'd said." She paused as another lightning bolt of realization hit her square between the eyes, "I didn't want him to love me," she looked at Heidi, "I'm always happier hating everyone, aren't I?"
"Well you'd spend weekends with Alex and I and you were a wonderful guest, then within days of going home you and your father would spark off and it'd be World War 3! I did wonder whether you might actually be pushing him away purposely....hatred is an emotion, maybe that as a response from your father was better than nothing?"
Marina nodded, "I kind of came to that conclusion somewhere between Sydney and Melbourne. I taunted my father, just to make him shout. I hated the disinterest more!"
"And Nathan?"
She sighed, "I think that both myself and Nathan need to start loving Adam?"
============================================================================================================================
Hope this answers some of your questions??
Will post in a week! Promise!!
MZ
Post Comment | View Comments
