Can Marriage Destroys Good SEX?

FROM companionship to conversation, marriage can give you everything. What it can't give you, it seems, is good sex! According to a new book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, author Esther Perel has shocked readers with her research that says that in the bedroom, familiarity breeds contempt. "There is a paradox between our need for security and predictability, while erotic sex thrives on mystery and risk. It creates a tension between our need for security and our need for adventure," says Perel.

Interestingly, she says that men have always got rid of sexual boredom in the bedroom by having affairs. "It is high time women make it clear too that one man simply isn't enough. In fact, two might be the absolute minimum," adds Perel.

Apparently. the biggest problem in modern marriages and the reason for a sky-high divorce rate is domesticity dampening one's sexual interest in one's partner. Meet 31-year-old Steve Hanson, a call centre employee in Michigan. The upmarket, urban youngster married since the last five years, says, "Frankly, if men are bored with their wives, they don't talk about it. They quietly have an affair or two! It's like you can't have dal and rice everyday. After sometime, that spark is amiss. There's nothing about your partner that surprises you anymore. Predictability in your partner just kills your relationship. The fact is that family life needs a regular routine, while eroticism opposes it. After sometime, wives just concentrate on the kids. The partner becomes secondary. And men can't cope with that."

Most couples after marriage treat their spouses like a worn-out sofa. And that's where a torrid affair outside the marital boundaries steps in. Laura Johnson, a 35-year-old lawyer-turned-doctor says, "Your spouse will never be that Someone Other. Most times, we want that Someone Other, These days, even women are bored having sex with their spouses. They feel having that Someone Other is a good idea. You go back to your spouse feeling complete."

Perel, in her chapters like Democracy Versus Hot Sex and Sex Is Dirty: Save it For Someone You Love, talks about how sexual excitement doesn't play by the rules of a good citizenship. It thrives on power plays, role reversals and subtle cruelties. Psychiatrist Dr Greg Mckenzie says, "If you're looking at having great sex, it's not going to be possible with your spouse after 10 years of marriage. Even when you're having sex with the Someone Other, who is not your spouse, it'll get boring after a while. She'll become as boring as the wife. Then most people start moving from one partner to the other, for more fulfilment and variety. But that really isn't dealing with the problem. You're avoiding it. The new secret of marital sex is to treat your spouse like a stranger. Desire needs space. And couples need to talk about it to each other, but that's just not happening.

Like Perel says, "If you can look at your partner and something about him/her surprises you, then you can recapture what you've lost. When your partner becomes unknown, that's a problem. Great sex thrives on the unknown. You must always have secrets, as it is vital for a healthy marriage. After all, no one wants to read the same book a 100 times!

Take your cue, ladies and gentlemen.