Broken Pieces - Ch. 2

That night at dinner, my mother and father were sitting quietly picking at their food. Neither one of them would bring the fork to their mouth.

I gently asked, "What's wrong?"

My mother looked up at me with sadness in her eyes. She sighed as she said, "That Halloway girl got pregnant. Her folks found out this afternoon. They had to kick her out."

I stared at my mother wide eyed. Catherine Halloway was my best friend in fifth grade. I'd known her almost my whole life. We had grown apart when we no longer had classes together. My mother continued by saying, "She's got nowhere to go so she's living on the streets. Poor girl but it is a good thing what her parents did. She needs to be taught that she can't defile the lord's body like that. She should have been married."

I looked back down at my food, and all I could think about was what I had done last night. This was a small town so I knew that the news spread fast. Everyone knew about it, and she would be no longer welcome. No one would speak to her when she would go down the street. No one would take a second glance at her.
She could be withering away on the ground and no one would even try to help her.

I looked up at my mother and I softly asked her, "Who is the father?"

She looks up at me sternly and says, "That doesn't matter! The little whore shouldn't have spread her legs to begin with! Her parents should have kept a better eye on her! She is no longer welcome in this town! She tempted that boy with her body, and she deserves what she got!"

I looked back down at my plate and set my fork down. I could no longer eat. In fact, I felt sick. There are so many double standards in this town that it's not even funny. I knew Catherine wouldn't be okay on her own. She would probably die along with her baby, and I couldn't do a thing about it.

I excused my self from the table and I went up the stairs into my room. I softly cried myself to sleep. My dreams that night were horrific. I woke up that morning in full sweat. I quickly sat straight up and my breathing was coming quickly.

I got out of my sweat soaked clothes, and walked into the shower. I turned the water hot enough to turn my skin red but not burn me. I needed the heat against my skin.

When I finished my shower, I gently dried off my skin. I walked back into my bedroom and over to my closet. I looked inside to peer upon the jeans and t-shirts inside it.

I pulled a purple t-shirt from the hanger and a pair of light blue jeans. I slicked my hair back into a ponytail then went downstairs. My mother was standing in the kitchen cooking breakfast. She called over to me from the bottom of the stairs saying, "Good morning Gracie! I hope you are in the mood for pancakes. That's what I am making for everyone."

I look over at her and say, "Thank you, but I am not very hungry. I think I will go for a walk."

She looked up from the pancake that was cooking to look at me.

She said, "Okay dear, but don't be gone to long."

I walked out of the front door onto the wooden porch. The birds were singing this morning, and the sun had risen early in the calm sky. I believed that was a good sign. I put my hands into my pocket and I started down the dirt road.

My thoughts were flying around my head like the morning nats. I was looking down onto the bumpy dirt road when i saw something flash in front of me. It was an old beat up Chevrolet. It was him.

I kept my eyes down and ahead. He pulled up right beside me, rolled down the window, and said in that smooth voice of his, "Hey baby," a huge grin showing on his face, "How's it goin'?"

I looked up into his eyes, and I couldn't help but melt like butter. I quickly but softly said, "Hello." A quick flash of confusion crossed his face.

"Is something wrong, babe?" He asked, worriedly. He put the truck into park, and he stepped out of it like a jungle cat swiftly moving through the forest. He gently laid his hands on top of my shoulders.

"No, I'm okay, I promise." I give a small, sheepish smile. He gives a huge wide grin as he pulls me into a deep embrace.

"Last night was amazing Gracie. Thank you for letting me show you how much I love you. You were great too. I loved it." He pulled me in tighter.

I looked up into the sky and said, "Yea, me too..."

He pulled me swiftly away from him, and looked me in the eyes. His hair was beginning to fall in front of his face. He flipped it back then said, "I can't wait to be with you like that again. He moves in to give me a quick kiss.

He begins to open his truck door then says, "I gotta get goin', babe. My dad wants me to do some errands for him. Will I see you tonight?"

I think about it for a minute then say, "I'm sorry but mama wants me to do things tonight too." In my mind, I'm not that sorry. I feel horrible for what I did.

He looks back at me as he fully enters into the front seat, he says with a hint of disappointment in his voice, "Aw, I really wanted to see you. Maybe sometimes tomorrow we can get together."

I look up at him with a small smile, and he gives on back. He says, "See ya, babe." He begins to pull off, when I yell, "Bye!"

I'm left standing there in the middle of the road with spits of dirt flying around in the air. I continue to stare in the direction he took off until I can no longer see him.

I look down at the ground where a rock is resting. I pull my leg back then kick it as hard as I possibly can.

The rock tumbled down the dirt road, leaping up into the air as it went. I watched it until it came to a complete stop about twenty feet away. I looked over into the trees for a quick second before looking back.

I realize that I saw something through the trees, so I do a double take. I see a small trail in the brush. It is very discrete, so the fact that I even saw it is amazing. I move over into the opening on the side of the rode, and I peer in like a small child peeking through a door while playing hide-and-seek.

I slowly make my way through the trees. Every once in a while, I saw claw marks on the bark of the trees. The crunch of the leaves seemed like loud booms of thunder in the quiet forest.

About fifteen minutes after I began to walk, I heard a small flowing sound in the near distance. It sounded like a small creek or stream. As I continue to make my way through the brush, the little trickle started to become bigger.

Finally, there was a wider opening. I looked out, and it was a small opening with the sun pushing through the top of the trees to throw shadows. The stream was a clear as the sky last night.
I looked to my left, and I saw a white tailed doe. She was drinking sheepishly from the water. Her ears roamed over the top of her head, listening for any type of strange sound. Then, I saw it. The small baby fawn huddled under its mother. Suckling as fast as it can, knowing it may need to run at any minute.

I try to move closer, but I can feel a twig begin to snap under the soft pressure of my heel. It's too late by now. The doe has heard the twig, and she is now looking straight at me with those beaming eyes. Frozen in place, she points her ears high into the air.

Her lashes flow ever so gracefully over her eyes as she continues the stare down. The fawn is now peeking behind its mother's backside. I take a step closer, and they both take off. It is only seconds before I can no longer see the doe for it is hidden by the grandiour of the trees. The fawn quickly following in step.

I swiftly move down to the stream, and slowly dip my hands down into the crystal clear water. I pull my hands up about halfway to my face. I stare down into the face o the girl that is looking back at me. It's like I can't even recognize her. The features so different from what I saw yesterday morning.

The light in her eyes, now dimming. The twinkle in her smile, now diminishing.

I throw the handful of water back down into the gentle stream, hitting my hand over the top as well.

The tears begin to flow down my cheeks. The slaty water slowly traveling downward, searching for the solid ground.

I was violated in the most private of ways, but I allowed it to happen. I let it happen, now I must live with it. All the shame and guilt that comes along. Now longer will I be whole, be one for my husband.

To be joined in the most sacred of ways, but not having anything to give back to him hits me so hard that it is almost unbearable to take. My heart slowly is shattering into pieces, and there is no way it can be fixed.

I fall to the ground by the river, and I shut my eyes. I fall into the sweet abyss. The darkness seems like the best place for me. Surrounded by the quiet, that way, I can't hurt anyone.
***
I hear a voice in the distance. I can hear it calling to me. It begins to sound closer. The choice becoming louder, more booming.
I open my eyes little. A bright light shining into my eyes. Am I to be judged now? Is that why the angel is coming for me?

Wait, am I dead? It feels like it. I know I am. My muscles are frozen in place to where i can't move. It's like I'm floating on a sea of regret.

The voice is right on top of me now, and the light so bright that I can no longer keep my eyes open to it.

The arms I now feel are strong. They are very familiar. One is put below my armpits and the other under my knees. He pulls me up into his arms, and my head sloshes against his chest. i can now feel the water dripping down onto my shoulders. My face is soaked and freezing.

I hear a very small whisper of a sound. he says, "It's okay now.
You're okay. Everything is alright now."

I'm being pulled harder into his arms. that voice is so clear, but it's like I know it, but I can't pinpoint it. I can hear him call, "I found her! She's okay! Over here!"

Who is he talking to? What does he mean? He found me? Was I lost?

More bright lights flood onto my face and body. It's too bright for my newly awakening body to handle. I push into his chest, and I thrust my eyes closed hard.

I try to block everything out. It seems like the sound is to loud. Too forceful. I can feel myself shutting down. Everything is going darker. Then, I go limp.
***
I can feel myself on a soft ground. Leaves are under my head lifting it up. I can hear a voice calling my name.

Softly, it says, "Gracie? Gracie, are you awaky?"

I move my head back and forth trying to open my eyes. It feels like a steel door is bolted to them. I strain, but I finally have them opening. I can see a tiny light to the side of me as I slowly open my eyes.

I look up into a ceiling. It's a white ceiling with a small fan twisting around. I look down to where I am laying, and I see a mint green comforter covering the length of my body.

I realize that I'm not on the ground, but that I am inside my room
on my bed. I look beside myself to see my mother standing above me. She looks down upon me with a relieved expression.

The tips of her fingers brush at my hair, pushing it behind my ears and out of my face.

She whispers, "We were so scared, Gracie. We didn't know where you were or what happened. The only reason we knew was because the preacher's boy said he had seen you on the road. It's amazing that we found you all the way back there. What were you doing, Gracie?"

I looked up at her, my eyes big and round staring at her. I had to think about it for a minute. I focus back in on her face, and I say, "I've never seen that stream before."

That's all I say. My mother continues to look into my eyes, now questioningly. Her face becomes worried, and she speaks in a matter-of-fact tone.

"You almost drowned, Gracie. He said that if your face was only in the water a few more inches, you would have been taken by a watery grave."

I close my eyes to this statement. Images begin to flash before my eyes. Everyone dressed in black, the whimpers of unconsoled children. My mother sits in the front row with her head held down and her eyes closed tightly. She tries to stop the tears. One lonely droplet falls from her eyes in the hopes of freedom.

I quickly shoot my eyes open in terror. The thought of my funeral is so strange and morbid to me.

All I can manage to say to her after that is, "I'm sorry." With this coming out in a small whisper, I decide that I can't speak anymore.

I turn to my side, my back facing her. I can't look into that face that believes me to be so very innocent.

I hear her steps move across the floor. She pauses as she opens the door, looking back on me I suspect, before she finally leaves and I hear the gentle click of the lock.

The only time you can be truly innocent in life is when you are in the face of death. I was in the face of death today. Where was my innocence?

These thought turn around in my head endlessly without giving me a break. I pull the sheets over my legs onto the side of my bed.
I sit erect in the bed. I move my hands up and down over my legs thinking about what I'm going to do. I bring my hands to my face, and I wipe my eyes. I huge guttural groan comes from the depths of my vocal cords. I look towards the ceiling asking, "What do I do?"
Of-course, no response comes. No response ever comes. I'm always alone in my thoughts.

I push up with my calf muscles trying to stand. I am a littly shaky. i slowly scuff my feet across the floor. They are becoming hot from the friction it is creating.

Suddenly, I see something on my desk that wasn't there before. It's a plain white envelope with scrawled writing on the front.

It clearly reads Gracie. I pick the letter up to turn it to the opening. Gold vinyl lines the envelope. I'd never seen that before. From all the things sitting on my desk like the books, glue, paper, and labeler, I pick up a dull pencil to open the letter.

The pencil pulls across the top, ripping it in a perfect line. The paper inside is even whiter than the envelope. I use my index and thumb to carefully pull the paper out. It is folded neatly twice.

I slowly take the top of it and lift it up, then the bottom. Right in the middle of the page is one sentence in the same scrawl as on the front of the envelope. The page is embroidered with gold as well.

It simply says: You will find your way.

Who put this here? What do they mean by: find your way?
I quickly put the letter down on top of my favorite book. I then realize that I have not used the restroom for over twenty-four hours. My bladder is begging for release.

I quickly move to the doorway of the bathroom, shutting the door behind myself.

When I finish, I move to my closet. I peer into the opening of clothes, and I just stand there. I pull down a pair of jeans from the hanger, and a blue t-shirt.

Pulling my legs through the pant holes, I notice bruises on my thighs. They must have been from when I fell onto all the rocks beside the stream. I remember scraping my hands across the rocks as I tried to catch myself as I fell.

I gently poke one of the bruises to gauge how much it hurts. I can feel my legs becoming sore from it.

Then, I pull my shirt over my head. I finally look into the mirror for the first time, and my hair is flying everywhere while there is a small cut on my forehead.

I must have fallen harder than I thought yesterday. I pick up my hairbrush to pull all the kinks out of my over-tangled hair. i can feel a few pieces being pulled out with every stroke.